Home Moms - have you ever had the TALK?

[TravelingGal]

So, my gal pals and I were talking about this today...

Have you ever had to talk with a friend (whether it be a true friend or a friend because your kids hang out) about their parenting because it is affecting your child? For example, friend''s chlid does X, but you have taught your child that X is not appropriate. Your child sees friend''s child do X, and wants to do it too. So it gets harder and harder to have the kids hang out because your child has to be parented even more when playing with friend''s child.

What do you do in situations like this? Do you not hang out with them anymore, or do you risk insulting the parent by addressing the offending behavior - which may not be that offensive to them?

 

[Aloros]

We found out, after seeing a small wound/abrasion on my stepson''s cheek, that his friend had shot a BB gun at his face (and told him not to tell anyone). This wound was less than an inch away from his eye!

We were VERY upset, and talked to the mom about it. She said she''d "talk" with her son.

She just didn''t seem too concerned.

It probably would have come down to not letting my stepson hang out with the other kid again, but we moved away immediately afterwards, so the problem solved itself. Haven''t spoken with her since.

I''m not sure what we would have done in a less extreme situation, but for this, the choice was clear.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/9/2009 4:29:22 PM
Author: Aloros
We found out, after seeing a small wound/abrasion on my stepson''s cheek, that his friend had shot a BB gun at his face (and told him not to tell anyone). This wound was less than an inch away from his eye!

We were VERY upset, and talked to the mom about it. She said she''d ''talk'' with her son.

She just didn''t seem too concerned.

It probably would have come down to not letting my stepson hang out with the other kid again, but we moved away immediately afterwards, so the problem solved itself. Haven''t spoken with her since.

I''m not sure what we would have done in a less extreme situation, but for this, the choice was clear.

Oh wow, that makes my heart palpitate just hearing about it!

 

[KristyDarling]

LOL, we must be the non-confrontational type because we just stopped hanging out with the family that we disagreed with! It was my son''s birthday party, which was at a local playground...it was a scorching hot day (unusual for San Francisco, it took us by surprise) and I had only one tank of drinking water for the group. Our friend''s son (4 1/2 at the time) decided that he wanted to open up the spout and play with the water gushing out. In front of him and his dad, I said, "Excuse me, Robbie, but I have only one tank of water for everyone at this party, it''s a hot day and we need to make sure we have enough. Please don''t play with the spout." Mind you, I was sensitive to the fact that this was someone else''s kid, and his dad was standing right there, so I took care to be polite and respectful with my request. The dad''s response? "Oh, it''s OK, Robbie. Don''t worry about it."

Um, WTF?? This is MY party, and that''s MY water that I bought, and these are MY guests that need the hydration!! Talk about gauche and inappropriate!!!!

This was only one of many situations in which we felt the parent was too permissive with his kid. There was another time when my husband, Robbie, Robbie''s dad, and my son went trick-or-treating together. Robbie said to my son, "You''re not my friend anymore. You''re a DUMMY, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!" He said it right in front of both dads, without hesitation. DH waited for Robbie''s dad to say something, a la, "Robbie, that''s wrong. Say you''re sorry"...but noooooooooo, he let Robbie say that over and over again as my son became increasingly hurt. DS became upset and said, "Robbie, PLEASE don''t say that. PLEASE say I''m your friend. Please! Please say I''m your friend!" Basically begging his friend to reassure him of their friendship (my son is a teddy bear and takes things very personally). Even after that, Robbie''s dad said nothing and acted like nothing was wrong. DH saw that our son was about to cry, so he practically yelled, "Robbie! For pete''s sake just tell him you''re his friend! You''re hurting his feelings." Robbie''s dad stayed silent the whole time.

I could entertain you all day with other stories about Robbie, i.e. how he liked to pinch our son''s arm until he left bruises, but obviously we could see that this other family''s parenting style was NOT one that we agreed with...they seemed to condone their son being a bully, and didn''t care to teach him common courtesy. Rather than deal with the drama of confronting them, we just decided to stop hanging out with them in order to protect our son''s self-esteem and sense of what was right and wrong. If we were closer to the parents, we *might* have wanted to discuss things, but it was more of a "playdate-acquaintance" kind of friendship so we didn''t bother.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Edited: Sorry, I replied twice, probably repeating myself. . .I had to vent about the confrontation post just because it also came from the opposite angle.

There are a number of children who have proven to be unsuitable for my kids to be around and I just break off friendships in those circumstances. Mostly, I pick mommy friends who raise their kids similarily enough to me that there haven't been issues. With the "issue" children, my kids only play with the friends at school.

Once a mom friend of mine once confronted me and I found it offensive. Basically, I let her son and my kids watch a small 20 minute clip of a movie (Contact) and she later called and said she wanted me to call her before I allow her son to watch any movie so she can approve it. The three reasons I found it offensive were, #1 - it came across as bossy. #2 - her request implied she feels I do not have good judgement. #3 - she lets my son play violent video games at her house (which I find much worse than letting my kids watch the small scene in Contact where Jodi Foster's character travels to the "alien planet," or whatever it was and I've kept my mouth shut even though it bugs the crap out of me. Regarding "Contact," the kids did NOT watch any of the religious parts of the movie. JUST the tiny part where she travel through the device!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Oh, and yes, my son has had to be parented more when two seperate friends come over because when the friends come over, they pick on my younger son. With all other friends, all the kids get along.

Rather than address the situation, I''ve just not allowed any more playdates and say we''re busy when it''s asked.

 

[Pandora II]

LOL, I saw the title of this thread and wondered why you were having THAT talk with Amelia at her age...

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/9/2009 5:52:52 PM
Author: Pandora II
LOL, I saw the title of this thread and wondered why you were having THAT talk with Amelia at her age...

Ha, lol, well, you have to start early these days. Boys are crazy!

Interesting stories everyone. KD (always good to see you here), I think every mom must have a Robbie and his dad in their lives. There should be some kind of "disciipline boot camp" for people before they decide to have kids.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Well I am pretty confrontational

but I would pick my battles. Some parents, like Robbie''s, I would just break ties with. Others I would talk to. MC, I would probably be the parent to ask you to vet shows with me before showing them to my son. Maybe he had nightmares about the aliens later on and didn''t tell you he was scared? You could have wonderful judgement but still make a choice that I don''t feel is right for my son. Anyways, with small stuff I''d say something, but with ongoing things I''d break ties.

Saying something is so hard because people tend to get very defensive about their parenting. I know when I have asked my MIL not to do certain things -- like have the TV on when she watched Hunter, or not to drink hot drinks around him -- she gets *very* defensive. But she is generally a rejection sensitive woman so it isn''t surprising. But I remind myself that I don''t care if it hurts her feelings or makes her think I am questioning her parenting skills, I still don''t want her drinking her darn coffe near my son!

We have some friends who I don''t like the way they parent their kids. They are good kids, but the dad is a yeller and the mom is too permissive about some things (e.g., hitting). They are friends who I would probably not let watch my kid solo to be honest, since I think the yelling is abusive. I hadn''t really thought about this issue before, but reading this thread makes me ponder. Good thing we are moving and won''t have to deal with this issue specifically

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I haven''t run into this situation with parents of other kids, but I have with my own family. Mostly because some of my family members smoke and we do not and will not allow people to smoke near James. I''ve had to say something a few times and it makes me uncomfortable but I feel it''s my responsibility to keep my son away from cigarette smoke.

 

[makemepretty]

When my son was in 2nd grade I asked him not to hang around with another kid that was continually in trouble and doing things NOT age appropriate. Well, I got a call from that kids mother because her son came home and said my son didn''t want to be his friend anymore because I said he couldn''t. Wow, I had handled that badly, I didn''t realize that would happen. I explained to her that my son was a ''follower'' type and I worried that he''d do some of the stuff I''d seen her son doing(acting up in class, not finishing his work, back talking to teachers, being too rough, trying to touch and KISS girls). I also told her that I heard her son commenting on J-Lo''s nice butt. At second grade, I felt that was just not right that he is talking about girls butts, trying to kiss them and continually snuggling up to them(the girl was uncomfortable and kept inching away). She said she didn''t know where he was getting the girl stuff from.

Sooo, I told my son he could be friends and each lunch with the kid and I apologized for hurting her sons feelings. They really didn''t stay friends though but I will say, her sons behavior did change. I''ve seen him on the honor roll since then and he''s done the spelling bee. He''s not as hyper and did better in school. She doesn''t seem that glad to see me in the hallways and I feel awkward around her but I think it was a big wake up call for her.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 7/9/2009 5:52:52 PM
Author: Pandora II
LOL, I saw the title of this thread and wondered why you were having THAT talk with Amelia at her age...

Me too!

 

[asscherisme]

Date: 7/9/2009 4:29:22 PM
Author: Aloros
We found out, after seeing a small wound/abrasion on my stepson''s cheek, that his friend had shot a BB gun at his face (and told him not to tell anyone). This wound was less than an inch away from his eye!

We were VERY upset, and talked to the mom about it. She said she''d ''talk'' with her son.

She just didn''t seem too concerned.

It probably would have come down to not letting my stepson hang out with the other kid again, but we moved away immediately afterwards, so the problem solved itself. Haven''t spoken with her since.

I''m not sure what we would have done in a less extreme situation, but for this, the choice was clear.

I stopped letting my son hang out with a friend for this same reason. They were shooting a bb gun and I found out and was livid. I called the boys mom and she had a boys will be boys attitude and said it was her husbands from when he was a kid and she saw no problem with it.

End of the boy being welcome at my house and end of my son going to his. This was back a few years ago when he was 9.

By the way, I have come to realize that "boys will be boys" really means "I''m too lazy to discipline my child"

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 7/9/2009 5:05:50 PM
Author: KristyDarling
LOL, we must be the non-confrontational type because we just stopped hanging out with the family that we disagreed with! It was my son''s birthday party, which was at a local playground...it was a scorching hot day (unusual for San Francisco, it took us by surprise) and I had only one tank of drinking water for the group. Our friend''s son (4 1/2 at the time) decided that he wanted to open up the spout and play with the water gushing out. In front of him and his dad, I said, ''Excuse me, Robbie, but I have only one tank of water for everyone at this party, it''s a hot day and we need to make sure we have enough. Please don''t play with the spout.'' Mind you, I was sensitive to the fact that this was someone else''s kid, and his dad was standing right there, so I took care to be polite and respectful with my request. The dad''s response? ''Oh, it''s OK, Robbie. Don''t worry about it.''

Um, WTF?? This is MY party, and that''s MY water that I bought, and these are MY guests that need the hydration!! Talk about gauche and inappropriate!!!!

This was only one of many situations in which we felt the parent was too permissive with his kid. There was another time when my husband, Robbie, Robbie''s dad, and my son went trick-or-treating together. Robbie said to my son, ''You''re not my friend anymore. You''re a DUMMY, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!'' He said it right in front of both dads, without hesitation. DH waited for Robbie''s dad to say something, a la, ''Robbie, that''s wrong. Say you''re sorry''...but noooooooooo, he let Robbie say that over and over again as my son became increasingly hurt. DS became upset and said, ''Robbie, PLEASE don''t say that. PLEASE say I''m your friend. Please! Please say I''m your friend!'' Basically begging his friend to reassure him of their friendship (my son is a teddy bear and takes things very personally). Even after that, Robbie''s dad said nothing and acted like nothing was wrong. DH saw that our son was about to cry, so he practically yelled, ''Robbie! For pete''s sake just tell him you''re his friend! You''re hurting his feelings.'' Robbie''s dad stayed silent the whole time.

I could entertain you all day with other stories about Robbie, i.e. how he liked to pinch our son''s arm until he left bruises, but obviously we could see that this other family''s parenting style was NOT one that we agreed with...they seemed to condone their son being a bully, and didn''t care to teach him common courtesy. Rather than deal with the drama of confronting them, we just decided to stop hanging out with them in order to protect our son''s self-esteem and sense of what was right and wrong. If we were closer to the parents, we *might* have wanted to discuss things, but it was more of a ''playdate-acquaintance'' kind of friendship so we didn''t bother.

What the heck? Robbie and his milktoast dad are bad enough, but that was your husband''s response? "For pete''s sake just tell him you''re his friend"? I would have looked little Robbie straight in the face in front of his dad and said "No problem Robbie, after your behavior, we aren''t YOUR friend either. You and your dad will have to toddle off alone now since we''re choosy about who we go trick or treating with". Then I would have taken my son off, calmed his tears, explained about manners and what true friends are, and had a wonderful time.

 

[KristyDarling]

^^^ I think my DH was in shock. What he cared most about at that point was our son's distress; the *principle* of it all was secondary for the moment because he was probably fuming and couldn't think straight. They trick-or-treated with them for a short while more and then left...my husband was so pissed! We cut off all ties with this family then, and haven't responded to their calls/emails since.

Of course, hindsight is 20/20, I can think of a MILLION different ways that I would've loved to respond to that father and son -- all equally cutting and effective!

I think DH was just in total shock at the incredible rudeness of this family!

 

[purrfectpear]

I hear ya. I guess I might have been struck speechless at the time

What''s really sad is what a little piss-ant jerk Robbie is going to grow into. Poor kid doesn''t stand a chance with his dad. That''s likely where he learned that to begin with.

 

[TravelingGal]

No kidding KD. As much as I can have a quick tongue, something like that would probably strike me dumb!

 

[vespergirl]

Ugh, this just happened to me today. I have a friend that has a son the same age as mine - as much as I love this girl, her discipline styles range from "lackadaisical" to "nonexistent." Maybe I''m a little mroe strict with my kid, but this girl NEVER tells her kid to stop doing ANYTHING. In fact, whenever we hang out with other moms, she gets the stinkeye from them, so I know I''m not just being anal.

Anyway, both of our kids are 2 and a half now, and she lets her kid play in filthy, nasty stuff, trample on flowers in people''s gardens, pull on the dog''s tail, etc. My son knows that''s unacceptable behavior - however, when his friend is doing it, he goes to copy him, and then I sound like a total shrew when I tell him that he''s not allowed to participate in the bad behavior. Then my friend will be like, "Oh, should I not let my kid do that?" And she seems annoyed that she has to tell her kid to stop. These types of things happen all the time with them, and I''ve tried seeing them less, but she is such a good friend, and I can tell that it hurts her feelings when I respond to fewer invitations. I have tried to talk to her about discipline in a roundabout way, giving examples of discipline styles that I find effective while sharing an anecdote, for example, but my friend and her husband don''t actually have the best manners either, so I think that they just don''t know better, and don''t necessarily recognize how gauche and off-putting some of these behaviors can be.

It''s such a difficult situation, because she is a really sweet girl to have as a friend, but it''s maddening when we get the kids together. If she were just an aqcuaintance it would be easier to deal with, but our friendship makes it tough to say anything in a direct way ...

 

[KristyDarling]

Purrrfect Pear -- The dad has a chip on his shoulder the size of a boulder! He's in his mid-40s and is very accomplished/educated blah blah but he's SUCH a jackass! As annoying as his kid is, I do feel sorry for him. He is getting ALL the wrong life lessons!

TGal -- when stuff like this happens, my reaction is almost always one of speechless shock. Maybe one of these days, the stars will leave my eyes and I'll become a cynical grouser with a razor-sharp tongue....well, one can dream!

Vespergirl -- hm, that is a toughie! Maybe you could try to set up playdate situations where the environment is a bit more controlled, with less potential for catastrophies/messes. When you get there, set expectations for your child clearly up-front, and do it in the presence of your friend and her kid. I.e., "OK son, when we're at the library, I want you to keep your hands and feet to yourself. If you want to see a book, tell me and I'll get it for you. Also, we are going to put ALL the books away as soon as we're done with them." That way, you're spelling out your expectations for good behavior up-front and your friend will take the hint. (well, hopefully!)

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 7/20/2009 6:44:44 PM
Author: KristyDarling
Purrrfect Pear -- The dad has a chip on his shoulder the size of a boulder! He''s in his mid-40s and is very accomplished/educated blah blah but he''s SUCH a jackass! As annoying as his kid is, I do feel sorry for him. He is getting ALL the wrong life lessons!

TGal -- when stuff like this happens, my reaction is almost always one of speechless shock. Maybe one of these days, the stars will leave my eyes and I''ll become a cynical grouser with a razor-sharp tongue....well, one can dream!

Vespergirl -- hm, that is a toughie! Maybe you could try to set up playdate situations where the environment is a bit more controlled, with less potential for catastrophies/messes. When you get there, set expectations for your child clearly up-front, and do it in the presence of your friend and her kid. I.e., ''OK son, when we''re at the library, I want you to keep your hands and feet to yourself. If you want to see a book, tell me and I''ll get it for you. Also, we are going to put ALL the books away as soon as we''re done with them.'' That way, you''re spelling out your expectations for good behavior up-front and your friend will take the hint. (well, hopefully!)

Thanks KristyDarling, I like this idea - I''m going to try it next timem we get together!