Moms: Does it annoy you when childless people give you advice?

[luckystar112]

I gave my SIL some unsolicited advice the other day about her 15 month old. It was through facebook and she just ignored me.

But I thought about it later and I think that if some someone without kids tried giving me advice I'd be like "pfffft...please". So I was wondering what you think. If it matters, it was about CIO and how it was breaking her heart. I gave her some of the advice I read on here, so it's not like I pulled it out of my a$$. I'm not offended by her snub, though I will probably refrain from giving her suggestions in the future.

ETA: Wrong section....again. I've been doing this so much lately!

 

[soocool]

I hate it whenever anyone gives me unsolicited advice. But I will always listen and politely tell them I appreciate their feedback/comments and go on doing whatever I have been doing. If I ask, it means I really want advice...so do not assume I need help, unless I am drowning and going down for the third and final time!

 

[TravelingGal]

I always listen because I go through life assuming there are people out there who are smarter than me. I would hate to bypass some great secret to childrearing because I think I have it all figured out.

Even moms who may be iffy moms in my opinion might have some good advice about something. Since I know that I give advice (solicited) because I honestly have my heart in the right place in that I want to help, I give people the benefit of the doubt and assume they mean well.

But since I''m known in my circle of friends as "the walking encyclopedia" (mostly because I love useless information), I don''t get unsolicited advice very often.

 

[Shoopy]

I''m not a mom yet but I usually don''t mind it as long as its thoughtful. I don''t think you have to be a parent to give a really thoughtful and honest answer.

There are also people that decide to never have children but do really well with taking care of children. My Director is like that. She found out late in life that she couldn''t have children (she really wanted to). The woman is awesome with kids, babies especially. She gives a lot of insight just based on her observations and I can see myself taking her advice in the future about things.

 

[neatfreak]

If it isn't advice that is coming from someplace well thought out (i.e., they read about it from a reputable place, their sister who has 5 kids told them, they are a nanny themselves) then yes it annoys me. But if it's someone I respect and the advice is something useful and well intentioned it doesn't bother me as much.

Like TGal, I also am often the one giving advice instead of receiving it! I read EVERYTHING so my friends are usually the ones calling me. So it's rare that unsolicited advice is given.

 

[mrssalvo]

It usually doesn't bother me, but depending on the advice I may just ignore it. I've learned that parenting is one issue that I never give advice on unless asked. that said, I'm still open to advice and still am learning. for example, my sister and her baby came over yesterday and my sister used my pack-n-play to nap her daughter. when she was done she packed in up, folded the frame and wrapped the mattress around it and attached it together with the velcro straps. in the 7 years I've owned that pack-n-play I never knew it folded up like that in a nice little box shape. i always just put the frame in the bag and 3 -way folded the mattress to lay on top with the handle sticking out to carry it. I went into my son's room last night and saw it all packed up nice and neat and called my sister to tell her that I learned something new. 7 years, 3 babies and never knew how to fold up my pack-n-play correctly. guess I should have read the instruction manual. My point is, even if you have kids you can still learn things from other people, even those who don't have kids.

 

[luckystar112]

Well, I typically don''t give unsolicited advice either. But to be fair I thought I was doing her a favor by giving her tips. Three days in a row she updated her FB status and made statements about how listening to him CIO was breaking her heart. So I was just trying to give her a little support, you know?
But it''s good to hear that most don''t find it annoying.

 

[mrssalvo]

lucky, just out of curiosity what advice did you give her?

and I think if she''s updating her FB status then that''s an open invitation for any FB friend to offer advice or comment. if one of my friends did that 3x I would probably say something too and offer any advice I could think of.

 

[D&T]

Date: 6/23/2009 5:35:49 PM
Author: mrssalvo


and I think if she''s updating her FB status then that''s an open invitation for any FB friend to offer advice or comment. if one of my friends did that 3x I would probably say something too and offer any advice I could think of.

ditto!

I have a few friends who don''t have kids, but when talking about my children, one friend will tell me about her sister''s experience, and I see a different view point, regardless if she has her own kids or not, its an opportunity to see another''s perspective and what could possibly work in my own life. Those who don''t have kids I still value their opinions/comments/advice or whatever, I may not take them, but I don''t totally disregard it either.

 

[Mara]

ha ha i was like what is CIO? chief information officer? noooo. i got it finally. but yes i agree with others re: updating your FB status with complaints or whining totally invites peeps to give you advice. so i wouldn't worry. re advice, i don't have kids yet, but in general i tend to listen to people who have experience i respect...for everyone else i am like no thanks. i imagine it will be the same with kids.

 

[decodelighted]

Did you post it on her wall where all her friends can see the advice or did you message her directly. Thing posted on my wall embarrass me ALL THE TIME. I know people don''t mean to ... but eh, it happens.

I kinda look at Facebook wall posts now as ... would I announce this on a loudspeaker in front of all the person''s friends & family? Is it *that* important?

If it was a private message, dunno -- maybe it hurt her feelings because it implied she doesn''t know what she''s doing? Maybe you should send a follow up message kinda joking about what you realized re: childless people giving kid advice. If you can laugh at yourself or the awkwardness a bit maybe it''ll loosen her up & bring things back to "normal". **shrug**

 

[swingirl]

By definition advice is, guidance or recommendations concerning prudent future action, typically given by someone regarded as knowledgeable or authoritative.

So if you are not considered knowledgeable on the subject don''t expect a big thank you. But I don''t think you''ve been snubbed. Sometimes it takes a while to digest information or hear if form more than one source. So even if you don''t get acknowledged you have done your best to pass along information that you thought might be helpful. Your SIL is just frustrated.

I will say one thing to everyone who has an opinion about child-rearing. There are no set rules and even when you think there are--they change. In the 22 years since I had my first everything has changed from when you start solids, how you lay the baby down, nursing, co-sleeping, bedtime routines, feeding schedule, the use of pacifiers, and the list goes on. A "perfect" mother of the 50''s would be nearly considered a child-abuser today because back then it was thought if you picked up your child too often or made a lot of eye contact you''d be spoiling them, pacifiers were a no-no. Babies ate on schedule. An appropriate method of potty training was to rub a baby''s nose in their diaper (and I say baby because every 50''s kid was potty trained by 1 year old).

These things sound ridiculous today. It''s surprising my children lived because I laid them on their front, back and sides AND I used crib bumpers. My grandmother had all her babies sleep in her bed until they were 3 or 4 or until the bed got too full! Cribs were a luxury. And NO ONE would considered CIO because it would be way too disruptive for the rest of the family. Eating and sleeping is so natural you wouldn''t think a baby would need to be trained.

 

[whitby_2773]

well, speaking as a child psychologist who has no kids of her own...

sure. i''ll give people advice. but only when they ask. and - frankly, my problem wasn''t in trying to give people unsolicited advice, it was in people trying to extract from me unpaid professional help. so the shoe is kinda on the other foot with this one.

as for being childless, i often say to people - "i might not have children, but i once WAS a child. i had parents. i experienced difficulties and successes at the hands of my parents and lived as the product of parenting for 28 years. that entitles me to an opinion."

i''m also a very calm sort of person, and babies really respond to that. my friends - even acquaintances - would often hand me their crying children for me to put to sleep. i have one woman who refers to me as ''the baby whisperer'' because i can always quieten crying babies or screaming toddlers. and that''s not magic - it''s a skill, and can be taught. so people would often ask for some clues on how to do that.

but unsolicited advice? nope - never. (don''t ever come between a mother bear and her cub)

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 6/23/2009 5:35:49 PM
Author: mrssalvo
lucky, just out of curiosity what advice did you give her?

and I think if she's updating her FB status then that's an open invitation for any FB friend to offer advice or comment. if one of my friends did that 3x I would probably say something too and offer any advice I could think of.

I commented on how awful it must be listening to him cry, and then mentioned all the moms on this forum and what they recommend. I think I mentioned having downtime before bed with soft music/massage, a particular book, suggested her going for a walk and letter BIL handle the crying. etc. lol...okay okay okay now that I think about it, it was kind of a list. haha It was a couple of weeks ago. The only reason why I thought of it today was because someone asked her about her progress. Apparently it took a good two weeks but he goes to bed on his own now.

Deco, good point about how it may have come across to her friends and family. It certainly wasn't my intention to embarrass her. She just sounded miserable. One of her status updates was something like, "I don't know how much more I can take of this! My poor guy!" and a few of her friends commented and said things like, "It'll get easier. So-and-so took this long...."

 

[packrat]

I think for me it would depend on how it''s said, maybe. MIL''s advice back when she gave it, was delivered very poorly. So, no matter how fabulously brilliant it might have been, it was ignored. If it''s someone trying to help and they''re considerate of my feelings so I don''t feel dumb, then I''ll listen. I''m all for trying different things, especially w/the kids-different ideas work for different moms/kids. Someone w/no kids can have just as good an idea as someone who''s had 10 kids.

 

[somethingshiny]

Date: 6/23/2009 5:04:00 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I always listen because I go through life assuming there are people out there who are smarter than me.

BIG ditto!! I also give a lot of thought to advice given from members of big families, I mean if they lived it, I could spare an ear.

I have gotten great advice from a childless woman and I gave some great advice when I was childless (I know because I eventually used the advice myself!)

 

[upgrade]

What is that saying? "You''ll never know as much about parenting as you do before you have kids" or something along those lines...

Support I would welcome at any time. Advice- not so much, unless I''ve asked for it. I have one very picky eater and one poor sleeper and everyone loves to give me advice on how to get them to eat/sleep better. I''m okay with unsolicited advice from someone who''s been there and found a great trick because I take that as their attempt to help me get through something they really understand. I don''t appreciate unsolicited advice from those who don''t have picky kids or poor sleepers, nevermind those who don''t have kids at all though, because that comes across to me as them thinking that they know better than I do and I must be doing something wrong! Oversensitive? Probably but that''s my honest answer.

 

[diamondringlover]

Yes it annoys very much when someone gives me advice about something they know nothing about.

 

[atroop711]

it's annoying when ANYONE gives me advice that I didn't ask for. It's just rude. I'm not against asking for advice but let me ask. The worst thing anyone could do is to tell me how to be a mother to my children. That's when my other Gemini personalities take over

 

[butterfly 17]

I suppose it depends on if the person giving me advice is sincere or not, ie: just wants to show off how much "smarter" they are compared to me, someone I like or can''t stand, and also the way the advice is expressed, ie: hey idiot, why don''t you do this, or what the hell is wrong with you, it''s not that hard.


Now that I come to think of it, I don''t think I have ever had advice given to me by a childless person.

If someone did give me advice I would just thank them and go about my business.

As for your SIL, maybe she isn''t ignoring your advice, maybe she is just too busy to log on to facebook to respond. I update my status and people respond, but I don''t always answer them back.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Yes! and I don''t use bold very often

I agree any unsolicited advice can be annoying but it is worse when someone has NO experience with what they are trying to convince you to do. No matter how many brothers or sisters you have, no matter how many years you have babysat or nannied, you are NOT a parent until you have a kid. Period.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 6/23/2009 6:44:51 PM
Author: diamondrnglover
Yes it annoys very much when someone gives me advice about something they know nothing about.

I agree to a point, but how do you know they don't know what they're talking about? Just because they haven't had a child doesn't mean they're not well versed in taking care of and raising young children and infants. I'm not a mother, but I spent more time taking care of and raising my little brother (16 now) than my mother did. She was off working three jobs and I was up all night with him while in hs. She took him to the drs but I had to make the call between sudafed and dimatap at CVS.

So don't be so quick to discount well intended suggestions.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

In short, no. As ever, I take what I want and leave the rest.

cheers--Sharon

 

[AGBF]

The person's status as a parent (being a parent or not being one) doesn't affect my attitude toward his advice. My attitude is based primarily on the nature of the advice and the spirit in which it is given. If someone gives me advice on a critical matter with which I am having great difficulty and I know that that person's advice is the last thing on earth I would do, I try to disengage from the conversation before I blow up. If I have somehow invited the advice-giving by being too open, I kick myself and remind myself not to do that again.

Having a child with emotional problems seems like an open invitation to friends to give me their ideas on how to cure my daughter. Sometimes a friend's suggestions make me think that it is she who is in more need of psychiatric treatment than my daughter! Never have I heard wackier and more bizarre suggestions than since I started to have problems with a child that I couldn't conceal from my close friends! Experienced mothers, social workers, psychologists and psychiatrists have all given me suggestions that really needed to be looked at a second time. I am just glad that I am old enough and secure enough to question anyone treating my daughter as well as my friends, because the ones who are not clueless are sometimes just not aware of what is really going on at home or in school or with her friends....

AGBF

 

[Kelli]

On the contrary, I hate it when people with children make excuses for their kids and tell me "you don''t have kids, you just don''t understand".

I know it''s different when you have your own and all, but my mom owns a daycare/preschool that I worked at for about a decade, and I''m CONSTANTLY around kids. I know a thing or two about them, and what buttons they will push to get their way.

However, I usually don''t offer people advice unless asked for it.