Wedding Mom Frustrations

[StormyCane14]

hi ladies,
well, as the title says i'm having some wedding related issues with my mom. ok here goes.....
Our wedding is a year away, so naturally Fh and I needed to decide where we would have it. we have 2 choices either have it where I'm from in NC or have it where Fh and I met, in GA. After weighing all the options and discussing it alot, FH and I decided on GA. It was where we met and regardless of where we have it family will have to travel. I also know that my mom has control issues, which I why I have been putting off telling her it will be in GA. She says she wants me to have it in NC because then she can "help" me plan it. When help actually mean she'll plan it. i know my mom, since she never had the wedding she wanted, she wants to plan mine. I've really tried hard to work with my mom, but time and again she has shown me she doesn't care about my feelings. My FH has seen this also an has encoraged me to do what I want. So last night I got up the nerve to tell my dad that I want to have it GA.
let's go back a few months for a moment: Mom calls, out of the blue, and asked "how many people will FH be having at the wedding?" i'm thinking the wedding is more than a year away, why are you asking this now. She then states that she just wants to know. Ok so I give her an estimate.
Fast forward to my visit home around the first of July. I'm checking my email on the computer and there is a notepad on desk fliped open with names on it. I pick it up and realize my mom has already made a guess list which includes at least 25 of her friends, most i'm not that close to and some I don't even know. So, knowing the # of FH's family, I take that # and add that to the # on her list, it totaled at 120. I'm like, i don't think so, i want a smaller wedding of about 70 to 80 pp. and i told her that. I want a wedding of just family and few close friends.
Fast forward to this morning......keep in mind that I told my dad about the wedding in GA. I get a phone call from around 11:00, it's my mom. She wants to know why I changed my mind and proceeded to tell me all she has planned. i told her that I never made a decision to have it in NC, that I want it in GA. During the yelling at me, proceeds to tell me she is going to have a friend of hers do the photography. I'm like "what the heck?!" I never even mentioned wanting a photographer and now you've hired one?! I hung up the phone so frustrated because I want my mom to be supportive, not hijack my plans for what she wants.
2 other issues is that she can't handle the money, they somehow make it from paycheck to paycheck. Instead of saving, she takes what they have and spends it on cigarettes or on a whim goes with my aunt to the casinoes in New Orleans. second is, we just lost my sister to a car accident a year ago, which is why FH and I have tried to be extremely patient with her, but after a year of this stress, my body just can't take it. I'm currently on prescription pepcid from my doctor to treat a possible peptic ulcer. Emotionally I'm a wreck and going back into counseling.
Between the wedding, money problems she and my dad are having, and losing my younger sister, if she doesn't get counseling soon I fear it will get worse than it already is. When she gets really stressed she just blows up and cusses at anything that moves. It's the main reason i moved to GA 2 years ago.
so, i know this was longer than i intended, but anyone got any advice? I could really use some encouragement.

 

[surfgirl]

Well, seeing as this is your first post here and I dont know you, all I can say, based on your post, is that this is more YOUR problem, not your mother's. It doesn't appear that you have taken control over your own wedding and that is nobody's fault but your own, you know? You relayed the convo with your mother above, but nowhere do I read that you told her "look, this is MY wedding and I am planning it MY way. I will be deciding on the details, etc. so while I appreciate your enthusiasm, I will be taking care of the details." Period. End of story. You already acknowledge that your mother is difficult and she's already gone way too far down the planning road without your inputs or permission, let alone discussing your wishes with you. If you dont take control now, you'll continue having these yelling phone calls and you'll be miserable. Time to put on you big girl panties and take control of your wedding, yes? If I were you, I'd include Dad in the phone call where you let them both know that YOU are planning YOUR wedding. That way perhaps your father can help remind her when she gets crazy, that it's not her wedding to plan. I'd also be clear that she is NOT inviting her friends if you're not close with them.

ETA: I know I sound harsh, but I have a mother that would have taken over my entire wedding and made it all about her, had I had a bigger wedding. It would have been me constantly yelling at her to butt the hell out of the planning, so I totally get where you're coming from and with mothers like this I think you need to be direct and very clear on the boundaries. Otherwise you'll be very unhappy, and nobody wants to be an unhappy bride...

ETA2: Why dont you just elope?!?

ETA3: DMBs approach is probably nicer...perhaps you need to have your FI with you and talk to your parents in person?

 

[DMBFiredancer]

part of the reason we decided NOT to have our wedding where my family is fron is so that we didnt have a huge guest list of people i have not seen or talked to since my first holy communion (7-8 years old?)
so we decided to have it where we live now (which happens to be near the beach so it worked out perfectly as my excuse)

i say to stick to your guns about having it in GA - and maybe sitting down and trying to talk to your mom nicely about the reasons why you want it there. you can also explain why you want a smaller wedding. can you afford to pay for it yourselves? if so, then you can have control over more things. just try (as hard as it may be) to keep your cool and talk to her about how you are feeling. she may not want to hear it, and she may yell, but for YOU - it will make you feel better in the longrun to know that you at least tried to talk to her about what your desires are and the view you have for YOUR wedding.

hang in there...it will all work out - everyone has some bumps in the planning process- just try to take care of yourself through it all and step away from any wedding planning when it gets really stressful

 

[miraclesrule]

Stormycane, first, congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding

Second, I am so sorry about your sister. I can''t even imagine what your Mother is going through. Was it her child? If so, trust me when I tell you that there is no way you can even imagine what trauma your Mother is going through by losing her child. I can''t even begin to imagine it myself.

Do you have any other siblings? Are you her only remaining child? Was your sister married?

I ask all of this, because I am trying to get a better understanding of your family dynamics before I even begin to think about comments as to your situation.

It''s a year away. You have plenty of time. You will change your mind....a lot. It happens. Weddings will magnify a lot of behavior characteristics and reveal some you never knew existed.

As for her inviting 25 people. I never quite understood this aspect of parental involvement. I would have loved to invite all my friends. I was the MOB recently, but no way did I want to pay for them, so they weren''t invited. I had one male friend so I could have someone to dance with. His new girlfriend was very tolerant, bless her soul. And belatedly decided to invite my former boss, because I really like her personally, more than professionally, but that was it. They get to see pictures. Which does bring up the issue of photographer. You have to have a photographer. Okay, well you don''t have to, but don''t you want one?

 

[Linda74]

Weddings can bring out the worst in all of us. I would say that you are both still grieving for your sister. Your mom needs something to "sink her teeth into" just to hold onto her sanity. What a testiment to your sister if you could both work it out and compromise. It sounds like your parents won''t be footing the bill so they won''t really be able to invite whomever they choose. You can explain that financing a big wedding is out of the question. I think the main thing here is for you to work on preserving and improving your relationship with your mom. You really do need each other.

 

[diamondfan]

I am so sorry to hear about your sister.

truly there is nothing worse than losing a child and I am sure you are being as patient as can be.

Do you mind my asking how old you are? Not that it really matters but...just wondering if that might be causing your mom to be more prone to controlling things. Age is not always the issue, some parents control no matter what.

I think you just have to stand your ground nicely. She is no emotional state nor financial state to really take this on, and you want to have a smaller affair with your touches. I think it might be a balm to her to be planning this since she cannot do it for your sister now, maybe she is just wanting to feel needed and important to you? Can you give her tasks that are less important to you, but make her feel very needed and wanted in the process? I think she is likely floundering right now and the wedding gives her something to focus on.

 

[StormyCane14]

Surfgirl - I''ve actually been on here for a while, formally DED14, I just can''t remember my password for that username..lol. About my mom, she doesn''t know the meaning on the word "no." Having been the baby from her family she is use to getting what she wants, guess that was where my sister got it from. I''ve told her no before, she just doesn''t get it. So now I just shut up, figuring if I didn''t talk about the wedding she wouldn''t make anymore plans. Wrong. i wish my dad would stand up for me more but he is non-confrontational. He just lets her rant (and smack me around when i was in high school). We have never had a good relationship.

Miracle - My younger sister was her child. There was just her and me. she was 21 and unmarried when she passed, I''m 24. On the photographer, I want one. The one she wants is her friend in NC, i''m sure she would not be able to shoot the wedding in GA.

Linda - I have tried and tried to mend my relationship with my mom. it got to a point where my FI told me to stop trying, it hurt him to see me get hurt everytime I got pushed further and further away.

diamond- I''m 24. My mom has always tried to control me. It''s partly my fault b/c I can''t stand against her manipulation and yelling tactics. I''m like my Dad. My sister was more like my mom and always got babied. When she picked her college, my mom was fine with it. When i picked my college(in GA) she said "you need to pick one in NC, we can''t pay for one in GA." Huh? you don''t pay for my college! Uncle Sam(govt) and my sweat pay for my college. You can''t afford it. This what I was thinking, by the way. It''s always been that way, i can''t do anything right or good enough for her. My dad even knows that, but doesn''t say anything.

 

[StormyCane14]

Hi DMB,

FI and I have decided to pay for it ourselves, to avoid mom throwing fits and treats to pull funding. I wish my mom would listen, she just doesn''t want to hear it.

 

[StormyCane14]

oops! I meant threats.....i made a typo.

 

[miraclesrule]

Well, as a MOB, I need to recuse myself from this thread. To have two daughters, and lose my youngest in an accident and then have my other one move or marry away from me...well, my kid would be dragging me because I would be hanging on to her ankle.

But every situation is different and every relationship is different.

Now... I am the one that wants to move away and my daughter is having a difficult time being supportive of that. That is why I had prayed for a supportive and large family for her to marry into, so that she would be able to handle it if I up and moved out of here.

My thoughts go out to both you and your family. This will tough for you all. Wedding planning is not for the faint of heart. You have to go with your gut and your heart and hope you do it in a way that is understood...if not, at least you tried.

Are you sure you don''t want to elope?

 

[StormyCane14]

I understand, Miracle.

Thanks for the help and advice though. I seen some of your other posts and really enjoyed reading them.

 

[Linda74]

Well, Stormy, you have a full plate. The mother in me feels so badly for your mom. Like Miracles said she doesn''t want to lose two daughters. A good friend of mine lost a child and it totally changed her personality. She could not control things to save your sister so she is trying to control what she can in life. You do have to stand up to her. Time heals. Talk to your dad. Your wedding should be the way you want it since you are paying for it. I wish you the best.

 

[Gwyn]

Date: 8/5/2008 10:37:21 PM
Author: StormyCane14
Hi DMB,

FI and I have decided to pay for it ourselves, to avoid mom throwing fits and treats to pull funding. I wish my mom would listen, she just doesn''t want to hear it.

YAY!!! I seriously think this is the best decision you could have made.

Ideally, parents would realize where their lives end and your begins but, unfortunately, that is not always the issue. Having lost one child may have further compounded this for you. I was in a somewhat similar situation with my own mother, mostly just a small battle involving where I wanted the wedding to take place. I wanted it where my FI and I currently live (and where his family and friends are) She wanted it on the other side of the country where she and the rest of my family were.

Stick to your guns and dont let her talk you out of or guilt you into something you dont want to do. I am lucky that just standing up to my mother a few times and letting her know I was not going to be intimidated or guilted into things was enough. I think alot of mothers go through a time where they think they are "losing" their children, usually when their kids move away. My mother and I are still dealing with the repercussions of me striking out on my own and moving acorss the country.

I wish you all the luck but remember that in general, the one who pays holds the power. I know you dont want to start WWIII with your mother or strain an already imperfect relationship but now is the time to be a little selfish. Your day, your money so IMO your rules.

Good Luck!

 

[D2B]

No matter what, this is your and your FI wedding, not your mothers. Firmly and politely tell her this, be direct, but explain you love her, give her one special thing to do or organise, and stand your ground. You cannot let your mother control your wedding, you are the adults, which means you will have to stand your ground as an adult, and be firm again and again and again. If she is paying, I would pay for it myself then.

Besides lines have to be drawn somewhere, if you give in now, just wait until the first grandchild comes

It can be all said nicely and lovingly, but be consistent and dont give in.

pb

 

[aprilcait]

Oh, I''m so sorry hon''! How frustrating and difficult foryou. Sending big hugs!!!

 

[lala2332]

First welcome to PS. I also live in GA, and I think there are only a few us PSers from there, so its nice to have some peach state representation.

second, I''m so sorry about your mom. I''m not engaged yet, but when i told me mom that BF and I were talking about she was so NOT excited. I think engagements and weddings can put a lot of stress on the mother/daughter relationship. Unfortunatly, its just one of those things. Stick to your guns about having it in GA.

I think your best bet is to ask her to come and help with ________. Whatever it is, give her a job. Maybe the cake, or favors, or flowers. Maybe something that you don''t have a strong opinion about and just let her go to town. That way she is "helping" and you can concentrate on the parts you do care about.

I think at the end of the day even though its your wedding, a lot of times it is really the family''s wedding.

So try to stop stressing (harder said than done...I know!) and just stop discussing it. Plant your feet and say this is how it is...and then say this is what I would love for your help/advice/opinion on.

Good luck! keep us posted!

 

[StormyCane14]

hi ladies,

no update yet as I have not heard from my mom since yesterday and she usually calls. I think she is still mad. Oh well. If she doesn''t call by tonight, i guess I''ll have to call her or e-mail her. I thought about e-mail because you can''t yell at it....lol. I think she thinks I''m not really serious about GA, which I am. All I can do is wait and see if she calls. If not, when my fiance'' gets home I''ll call her. His support right now is what helping me keep myself together.

D2B - very valid point about the grandchild thing. I''ll keep reminding myself about that when I talk to her.

Gwyn - FI wanted to make sure nothing about our wedding falls through b/c of my mom. I know she would have tried to pull the money string b/c she has done it in the past.

april - thanks for the hugs, i needed them.

lala - yeah it is cool to meet someone else from GA. When I told my family they were all happy about. After my sister passed away, she did change for a short time. Since last christmas, things have been getting worse and she became her old self again. I''ll stick to my guns, I just hope she tries to understand.

 

[Independent Gal]

Give your mom one or two special things to do. For instance, if you don''t care that much about the invitations, ask her to pick out three or four for you to choose between. Or similar with food or flowers or something that you care a little less about. That way, you are giving her input and responsibility in a BOUNDED way that you can cope with.

And by asking her to pick three or four of something for you to choose between, you still get a final veto, see?

Just an idea.

I''m so sorry about your sister.

 

[StormyCane14]

keep the advice coming ladies, it really helps.

I''ll post an update later after i make that call.

 

[StormyCane14]

Hi ladies!

I''m back with an update! Turns out after my mom''s early morning phone call. She preceeded to vent to my dad that I wasn''t making the right choice....etc etc. My dad stood up for me! yay for my Dad! After giving her a few days to clam down, I put the big girl pants on(surfgirl''s analogy) and told her that Ga was my decision. What amazed me was that she didn''t try to argue or talk me out of it.

I know she was upset but she accepted it and i think she is on-board now. I hope that soon she will start to get excited about it, like I am.

Anyway it looks like things are starting to look up! iIdid take everyone''s advice, I was strait forward and adimant about it being in GA. i also gave her some wedding stuff to work on. I asked her to work on the invitations for me. She seemed happy that I gave her that, i don''t know the first thing about invitations and I was glad to let her worry about those.

well. i just wanted to let everyone know about how everything went. i''m glad i did it, now I''m already beginning to feel some relief from the stress. Thanks, Ladies!