Home MIL

[Italiahaircolor]

I''ve been considering posting this topic for a while, and seeking advice on the subject matter....I guess I''ve just been to embarrassed to really put it out there, but as of lately, I''ve been pushed over the edge of reason. So please forgive me in advance, this is a long, long, long vent...

From the very start my MIL has been harder than required on me, and because of that, our relationship has been really difficult for me. Many times I have found myself in tears over things she has said, or implied, or done. She has often times made a point of pointing out how much money I spend on purses, or decorations for my home. Often times it embarrasses me, and puts me on the spot...and leaves me feeling like I have to justify to her why I can buy what I want, when I want. Most recently, I wanted to purchase a beautiful handmade bowl...the price tag was up there, but certainly not absurd. I was excited and when I showed J (my MIL)...she told me to put it on hold, go home and discuss it with my DH before spending that much money. BTW, the bowl was only $350.00!!!! Last night I was at my parents Labor Day BBQ, and my Mom pulled me aside. She said that she had spoken with J during the week, and that J implied my husband and I were in over our head when it came to money, and needed help

. My reaction went from stunned, to confused, to plain ol'' pissed off.

My husband is a working professional, as am I. Together, we make 6-figures. We own a lovely townhome which we are in the process of remodeling. We take 3 vacations per year. And I love designer bags. We can well afford our lifestyle, and are extremely comfortable. We certainly do not flaunt our money, nor do we discuss the ins and outs of our income with her. And yet, she went to my parents. I am mortified. My Mother is in a panic. All of this, for no reason.

I went to my DH last night to express my feeling (anger) over her actions and to tell him I would be taking the upcoming holidays "off"...and will not be traveling to Pittsburg. I said that if she thinks we''re so hard up for cash, it''s best I not take any time away from work, and better yet if we skip giving presents to them this year. I went on to say J doesnt know the meaning of boundries, that what was said to my mother was out of line. My DH agrees with me entirely, and said he would call her today to put a stop to it....but thats nearly pointless.

From the start, like I said, J has been tough on me. And my DH has said many times that she needs to back off, like way way way off. But nothing ever sticks. Maybe she''ll be respectful for a few days/weeks/converstations...but in short order she''ll be right back to where she was before. I have never been able to say anything to her...I am to scared of her. I wasn''t raised to mouth-off to an adult. But this time, I feel like she crossed a line.

So what do I do? Put aside my "respect your elders" and tell her to mind her own business...let my husband handle it...or let it slide? Keep in mind, this is just one of many incidents...all of which are equally hurtful.

 

[Lorelei]

One thing you could do Italia is to not share info with her about what it is you buy, that will cut down on a lot of her comments. Then let your Husband handle speaking to her and setting the boundaries, once that is done you need to enforce them - I know easier said than done, but once you make her toe the line things will get easier. Don't show her your purchases, or discuss them with her, holidays etc, if she persists then be firm.

If you don't put a stop to this, then it will spread to other areas of your life and get worse so you need to take a stand. You can do it!

 

[oobiecoo]

I can totally relate... my MIL told DH that I was spoiled and rolled her eyes when she asked if my Louis Vuitton was real and I said "yes". (I think she''s jealous)

I would just avoid shopping with her or discussing any purchases that cost more than chewing gum. Hopefully your hubby can straighten her out though

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Lorelie and Oobie...thanks for taking the time to answer.

I totally agree with what you''re saying, I shouldn''t even mention my purchases to her and from here on out, I won''t. But it just adds to my saddness knowing I can''t share my excitement with her. I never dreamt that this would be my relationship with my MIL. I mean, this woman raised my DH...and he''s a wonderful man...so I know there is some genuine goodness in her. I just want to be friends...and it breaks my heart that after 3+ years I still feel like an outsider.

I always tell my husband, I want to feel excitement driving to her house, happiness when I am there, and saddness when we leave....but instead, I feel nervous driving to her house, saddness when I am there, and happiness when we finally go home.

They live in PA, we live in IL. And believe me, the distance makes no difference.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 9/2/2008 11:19:45 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Lorelie and Oobie...thanks for taking the time to answer.

I totally agree with what you're saying, I shouldn't even mention my purchases to her and from here on out, I won't. But it just adds to my saddness knowing I can't share my excitement with her. I never dreamt that this would be my relationship with my MIL. I mean, this woman raised my DH...and he's a wonderful man...so I know there is some genuine goodness in her. I just want to be friends...and it breaks my heart that after 3+ years I still feel like an outsider.

I always tell my husband, I want to feel excitement driving to her house, happiness when I am there, and saddness when we leave....but instead, I feel nervous driving to her house, saddness when I am there, and happiness when we finally go home.

They live in PA, we live in IL. And believe me, the distance makes no difference.

I totally understand because regrettably I have been in the same situation where I can't share my excitement with a relative you would imagine would be excited for me on such occasion, but as Oobie says, don't share any prices with above the cost of chewing gum LOL!! I am really sorry about this behaviour of hers, but you can put a stop to it, once you do then hopefully things will get better and you might then have an improved relationship with her once she realizes you won't put up with her unwanted opinions and interference. You are quite within your rights to confront her with her behaviour, I also struggled with the ' elder and better' thing, but now if I need to do battle I go in politely but firmly. It takes practise and it gets easier, once you start sticking up for yourself it feels good!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I always tell my DH that in isolated instances, I could deal with anything...but it's when you add everything together, thats when it becomes to much.

I think my issue goes so much deeper than what my vent is about. My MIL just plain doesn't care for me and really makes no issue about hiding it at all . And yet, I try so hard to figure out why! My BIL is 33. His wife is 45. My SIL was married before, and has 2 children...her daughter is 25, her son is 20. I am 25. It's just weird. My SIL and BIL will not be having any children...my husband and I will....but when we announched that we will only be having one, my MIL yelled at me (we have trouble concieving, and one is going to be work enough). My SIL was divorced before, and yet the first thing my MIL said to me when my DH and I got engaged was that "you know this is forever...". My MIL invited my SIL/BIL to the beach for 4th of July, but didn't invite my husband or me. My first Christmas with them, I baked cookies....I literally spent hundreds of dollars, and worked my @$$ off every night after work...when she saw them, she called them "cute" but told me I had to see my SIL "because they look straight out of a magazine". She'll send us cards from time to time, gushing about how wondering my DH is...but reminding me to "be kind" or "be patient" or "be myself".

She's just mean to me whenever she gets the chance. Thats my true frusteration with her. And it makes me afraid to have children for fear of how it will effect them.

 

[diamondfan]

I would keep my business to myself as Lorelei said.

Unfortunately though, that does stop it. I have the mother in law from hell, and nothing has stopped her attitude, her comments, her insinuations...

so learn to keep the boundaries up yourself, and do not allow her to hurt you. Easier said than done I know!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thank you Diamondfan for taking the time to respond. I know everyone is right about just keeping expensive business to ourselves, but thats hard because the things we spend money on...like our remodel, or our vacations...are really exciting parts of lives and sharing them just seems so natural. I came from a very close family where we really did celebrate each other, and were happy when another person did well in their life. Its so strange to me to be "selective" when it comes to anything happy. Oh well, looks like I have no other choice...I know you ladies are right.

Sorry to hear you have a MIL from hell. Its so hard, because in reality, its such an important relationship.

I guess I''m still just really young, and sensitive. And I just always have high hopes when it comes to our relationship turning around.

 

[diamondfan]

You just have to know that it is not about you. It is her issue, of course it becomes yours because you are around her, but it is not anything you are doing. That is why nothing you do can change her, but you can avoid the hot button topics and keep mum.

 

[joflier]

Date: 9/2/2008 12:11:53 PM
Author: diamondfan
I would keep my business to myself as Lorelei said.

Unfortunately though, that does stop it. I have the mother in law from hell, and nothing has stopped her attitude, her comments, her insinuations...

so learn to keep the boundaries up yourself, and do not allow her to hurt you. Easier said than done I know!

I''ve dealt with some similar things, but from my own mother. And I just had to grow some thick skin, and realize that its just my business. I also laid down the rules to her, but there are different dynamics than with a MIL. I would say too, that even if you keep your shopping experiences to yourself, the best you can, and she still brings it up, don''t act sheepish or embarrassed. She can pick up that body language and run with it, fueling the fire, telling herself that your acting embarrassed because your knowingly making unwise financial decisions. Even though your really feeling embarrassed because of the way she is treating you! Does that make sense? In any case, I hope over time that things can settle out. A good mil-dil relationship can be so fulfilling! But I think your mil needs to come to terms with her own insecurities first.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 9/2/2008 11:58:25 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I always tell my DH that in isolated instances, I could deal with anything...but it''s when you add everything together, thats when it becomes to much.

I think my issue goes so much deeper than what my vent is about. My MIL just plain doesn''t care for me and really makes no issue about hiding it at all . And yet, I try so hard to figure out why! My BIL is 33. His wife is 45. My SIL was married before, and has 2 children...her daughter is 25, her son is 20. I am 25. It''s just weird. My SIL and BIL will not be having any children...my husband and I will....but when we announched that we will only be having one, my MIL yelled at me (we have trouble concieving, and one is going to be work enough). My SIL was divorced before, and yet the first thing my MIL said to me when my DH and I got engaged was that ''you know this is forever...''. My MIL invited my SIL/BIL to the beach for 4th of July, but didn''t invite my husband or me. My first Christmas with them, I baked cookies....I literally spent hundreds of dollars, and worked my @$$ off every night after work...when she saw them, she called them ''cute'' but told me I had to see my SIL ''because they look straight out of a magazine''. She''ll send us cards from time to time, gushing about how wondering my DH is...but reminding me to ''be kind'' or ''be patient'' or ''be myself''.

She''s just mean to me whenever she gets the chance. Thats my true frusteration with her. And it makes me afraid to have children for fear of how it will effect them.

All the more reason to put your foot down now Italia otherwise she will make your life a misery over how you raise your child. I know it must be so hurtful with her cruel behaviour, but she does have issues as jo pointed out and as DiamondFan says, it really isn''t about you. However you can do something to put a stop to it, call her out on her behaviour as politely as you can, remember bullies are cowards and can manifest even in the form of a MIL, once you stand up to them they very often back down and think twice before exhibiting more nasty behaviour!

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 9/2/2008 10:10:36 AM
Author:Italiahaircolor
I''ve been considering posting this topic for a while, and seeking advice on the subject matter....I guess I''ve just been to embarrassed to really put it out there, but as of lately, I''ve been pushed over the edge of reason. So please forgive me in advance, this is a long, long, long vent...

From the very start my MIL has been harder than required on me, and because of that, our relationship has been really difficult for me. Many times I have found myself in tears over things she has said, or implied, or done. She has often times made a point of pointing out how much money I spend on purses, or decorations for my home. Often times it embarrasses me, and puts me on the spot...and leaves me feeling like I have to justify to her why I can buy what I want, when I want. Most recently, I wanted to purchase a beautiful handmade bowl...the price tag was up there, but certainly not absurd. I was excited and when I showed J (my MIL)...she told me to put it on hold, go home and discuss it with my DH before spending that much money. BTW, the bowl was only $350.00!!!! Last night I was at my parents Labor Day BBQ, and my Mom pulled me aside. She said that she had spoken with J during the week, and that J implied my husband and I were in over our head when it came to money, and needed help

. My reaction went from stunned, to confused, to plain ol'' pissed off.

My husband is a working professional, as am I. Together, we make 6-figures. We own a lovely townhome which we are in the process of remodeling. We take 3 vacations per year. And I love designer bags. We can well afford our lifestyle, and are extremely comfortable. We certainly do not flaunt our money, nor do we discuss the ins and outs of our income with her. And yet, she went to my parents. I am mortified. My Mother is in a panic. All of this, for no reason.

I went to my DH last night to express my feeling (anger) over her actions and to tell him I would be taking the upcoming holidays ''off''...and will not be traveling to Pittsburg. I said that if she thinks we''re so hard up for cash, it''s best I not take any time away from work, and better yet if we skip giving presents to them this year. I went on to say J doesnt know the meaning of boundries, that what was said to my mother was out of line. My DH agrees with me entirely, and said he would call her today to put a stop to it....but thats nearly pointless.

From the start, like I said, J has been tough on me. And my DH has said many times that she needs to back off, like way way way off. But nothing ever sticks. Maybe she''ll be respectful for a few days/weeks/converstations...but in short order she''ll be right back to where she was before. I have never been able to say anything to her...I am to scared of her. I wasn''t raised to mouth-off to an adult. But this time, I feel like she crossed a line.

So what do I do? Put aside my ''respect your elders'' and tell her to mind her own business...let my husband handle it...or let it slide? Keep in mind, this is just one of many incidents...all of which are equally hurtful.

May I offer another perspective? You are in your early 20''s and making six figures, take THREE vacations a year and love designer bags - did you ever think that you are, in fact, flaunting what you have? Maybe your MIL is concerned that you''re being a bit materialistic and wants you to enjoy the "simpler" things in life. I don''t know.

I feel it''s wrong for her to put you down and I do think that you should keep your finances private, especially since you know how she reacts to your spending habits.

Before you have a child you should discuss with your husband what boundaries will need to be set up for dealing with the MIL or she will butt in there too, and we all know how miserable that can be.

I wish you the best of luck

 

[cara]

''Flaunting'' by telling her inlaws they are going on vacation or wearing her chosen bag when she sees her? Or should she actually not buy those bags or go on those vacations because it does not comport with her MILs value system? Yes, it speaks to the problem. Italia would like to share her life with her MIL, without hiding important parts of herself or her life with her husband, but her MIL then judges her for it. Maybe MIL''s background is completely different and she expects young people to have babies right away and struggle financially... and she is both confused and appalled by their wealth and excess... to some people designer bags and vacations are wealth and excess... but it is Italia''s life and her husband''s life and they only get one chance to live it.

Italia, the only good way forward is to change how you interact with your MIL, share much less of your plans and lives with her, lower your expectations of a close relationship, and deal with her inevitable comments more promptly and directly than you have been doing. Sounds like other people have recommended that as well? I can only echo them - you cannot change her, only your reaction and interaction with her. She is your husband''s mother so it really would be best if you found a way to tolerate her from arm''s length and allowed your husband to make decisions about more permanently distancing yourselves from her. Which is not to say that he shouldn''t back you up or help enforce limits (such as calling your mother is completely over the top!!)...

Clearly she is very sensitive on the money and lifestyle topic so you should avoid those areas. That wipes out large swathes of your life, when everything from your home renovation to shoulder bag is up for inspection and negative comment. And you should be careful not to discuss childbearing/conception/childrearing as well. Maybe you come from a more open family, but there are many women in your position, especially on the child issue! Last, when she does make over the line comments, such as suggesting you consult your husband for a purchase that does not cross your marital threshold for such discussions, speak up as soon as you find your tongue.

The very important trick here is to speak up firmly and directly as soon as you are able and not after you have gotten so angry that you want to mouth off to her... Or retaliate by not sending holiday presents. Which is understandable but not advisable. Skip visiting this year if you are not up for it, but allow your husband buy and send presents on your behalf and your excuses on your behalf... after he calls to tell her to bring any concerns about your financial situation to him first in the future. Good luck. Sorry she is not being easy to deal with...

 

[diamondfan]

I think, and I speak from experience, this is a jealousy issue on some level.

I feel if Italia and her hubby make the money to support their lifestyle, it should NOT matter what they spend, how they chose to use their disposable income. If they could not afford things, I might get it, but that is not that case. And it is not the mother in law''s business to judge, criticize or stir trouble with Italia''s mother, no way. She should be happy that her son and his wife are doing well. She has no reason to think they are not able to live the life they are living and should smile and zip it. It can only create major issues otherwise, I LIVE IT ALL THE TIME.

My mother in law has NO idea what I spend. If she knew what I spend on a pair of sunglasses, on my clothes or bags, on entertaining (like my son''s bar mitzvah), on our vacations...she would flip. I get her perspective as she grew up in England in WWII BUT she is amply cared for by my hubby and her daughter and what I spend or we spend is an off limits topic now. I simply do not talk about it. This is a woman who thinks anyone who buys one Coach bag in a year is frivolous. But does manage to tell me about all the stuff she bought (while giving my kids cheap things which is so funny to me)...meanwhile, I just nod and smile. Our new home is another thing I do not discuss, she asks what I have selected etc and I just say, nothing really yet, still too early...I just simply do not wish to engage.

Italia, I feel for you. I know my mother in law dislikes me (feeling is mutual) and honestly I could not care much less about her opinion of me. What bothers me is her actions, in front of my family, and how selfish and nasty she is. THAT I do not care for and will not put up with.

 

[pennquaker09]

Diamondfan beat me to it, but I think one reason may be because she is jealous. I don''t know. I think letting your DH handle it would be a start, but if it doesn''t work, I think then you might have to tell her yourself. I don''t think you''d have to lose your manners and your respect for her, however. Like, you could just tell her that both of you work very hard for what you have and that you like to invest in things of quality. I would tell her that it''s not her place to decide you do or do not buy and it was definitely way of line telling your parents what she told them. It''s in bad taste to tell someone how to spend their own money, but talking to someone else about another person''s income is just plain wrong. Like, that''s extremely wrong and I understand why you''re mad about that.

I feel really bad for those of you who have bad relationships with your MILs.

 

[Haven]

Italia, I''m sorry you have a difficult MIL. I agree with everything DF said.

I know how it feels to want to have a good relationship with your in-laws, and I know how disappointing it is when you can''t make that happen. But that''s the trick--you cannot make that happen. Not alone, at least.

I never met my MIL before she died, but I know my FIL. He gave us a very hard time when we were engaged, and he''s just disapproving and angry in general. He always has something negative to say, and nothing we choose to do is ever good enough. (e.g. He told us we were irresponsible for purchasing our Honda Civics because they are flashy sports cars. Mhm. Yeah, that''s me, driving my flashy Civic!) Anyway, this was so difficult for me to deal with for a while (I think I even posted something about it in BWW during our engagement) and I''m slowly working on ignoring all the negativity. I wish it could be different. I hope that when DH and I have children we''ll be able to make nice so my FIL can be involved in their lives. But I am not going to allow him to affect my mood anymore.

We no longer tell my FIL when we purchase new things or plan vacations until we absolutely must share. In fact, I shared the pictures of our new puppy with PS about a week before we told my FIL that we adopted her. Is it sad? Yes. My own parents were at our house playing with the puppy the day after we brought her home, and that''s the way it should be. But my own sanity and happiness is important, and I can''t try to please my angry FIL all the time.

And I totally understand that MILs are probably more difficult than FILs, but I can relate at least to a degree. And as horrible as your MIL can be, I must say I wish for my DH''s sake that I did have a horrible MIL to deal with. I know he misses his mom very much. So that''s one way to look at it--at least she''s still here. Not a huge consolation, but trust me, it hurts to see your spouse miss someone so much.

 

[diamondfan]

Oh Haven, if you only knew how much I wished for a good relationship, like great friends. And with my father in law too before he died, as I had lost my dad at 15. But I could not manage alone, it takes two to have a relationship. So I had to let that fantasy go, and face the reality of who they are and were.

And it is sad to think you cannot share with family or supposed loved ones. But if that is the truth, what can you do? Pretending otherwise and carrying on business are you wish it could occur only makes issues.

How is the puppy doing?