MIL rant

[Imdanny]

SO and I have been together for 17 years and have known each hoer for 21 yeas.

MIL visited us, spent 10 days here and we all had a great time.

I've known MIL as long as I've known SO.

Obviously she hears his side 99% of the time.

This is not to say she and I don't have a relationship. We call and text each other but mostly on holidays.

I thought when she came here she could spend some time getting to know me better and she cold see for herself how I treat SO and how we get along.

I thought (as in past tense) this is what happened.

I had to call her to talk about a crisis SO was having and he said I call (at that point he was in a rage but he was 100% fine with me calling, in fact his exact words were "call her".

I sent her a nice text asking her to call me in the morning, told her we were having some problems, some quite critical.

What I didn't know is that SO had in his rage called her and wound her up against me. The actual facts of the actual crisis, well no he didn't mention them.

She didn't call the next morning so I called her.

OMG.

First SO's sister answers the phone, the fundamentalist bigoted one, and says, "This is so and so and I'm speaking for my mom".

I was like WTF? Who acts like that and why?

I just saying "who are you?" and repeating SOs mothers name.

Like she had to protect her mother from me the pond scum or something. Just WTF?

So she puts her mother on the phone.

Her mother blasts me with hostility, and dresses me down about what I was doing SO complained about.

I could not finish a sentence (me trying to was related to her son as me "yelling" at her. Big words for a woman who hung up on me 4 times, basically because she didn't want to listen to what I wanted to say.

She was very, very confused about what was ha

 

[Missy]

Oh Danny, I'm so sorry about this. Not a good situation. My dh and I find it best not to involve our parents/family in any problems we may be having. We find it's just best that way. Unless of course the problem is them and then that is a different story.

It was not right of your SO to tell you to go ahead and call his mom and then for him to call her and get her against you. Very immature behavior and not helpful in the least. Not constructive on so many levels. Not sure why his mom would take such a poor stance as well but it does seem best not to involve her in the future.Hugs to you Danny. I am sure you and your SO can resolve this.

 

[Imdanny]

IPhone, sorry.

about what was happening. Her belief about what was happening while I was talking to her (prompting many of her strange responses) was so bizarre that I certainly won't bore you with it.

I gave up the 4th time she hung up on me.

I'm disappointed, I think it's too bad she was so confused, but I'm also done.

I don't react to people who treat me this way. I choose not to pretend to care about people who can't buy a clue about who I am and what I intend.

I didn't marry his mother. Our conversations from here on out will be most severely limited.

Thank you for reading if you made it this far.

 

[Missy]

IPhone, sorry.

about what was happening. Her belief about what was happening while I was talking to her (prompting many of her strange responses) was so bizarre that I certainly won't bore you with it.

I gave up the 4th time she hung up on me.

I'm disappointed, I think it's too bad she was so confused, but I'm also done.

I don't react to people who treat me this way. I choose not to pretend to care about people who can't buy a clue about who I am and what I intend.

I didn't marry his mother. Our conversations from here on out will be most severely limited.

Thank you for reading if you made it this far.

Exactly. It is a sucky situation for sure but my advice is to keep his mom out of it. If I had to base my decision to marry my dh on his family I would never have married my dh. And I have absolutely no regrets after being together for over 12 years. It would be great if his family was as close to you as they were to him but it doesn't always work out that way. And we cannot make people behave the way we want them to. So I agree with you that the best course of action is to limit any sharing of personal info with her and just keep it cordial and respectful. Unfortunately over the years she has shown her true colors. You know the saying-Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me...

 

[Imdanny]

Oh Danny, I'm so sorry about this. Not a good situation. My dh and I find it best not to involve our parents/family in any problems we may be having. We find it's just best that way. Unless of course the problem is them and then that is a different story.

It was not right of your SO to tell you to go ahead and call his mom and then for him to call her and get her against you. Very immature behavior and not helpful in the least. Not constructive on so many levels. Not sure why his mom would take such a poor stance as well but it does seem best not to involve her in the future.Hugs to you Danny. I am sure you and your SO can resolve this.

Thanks! I try never to say anything bad about SO but I don't hink it was right of him to call her so upset a me while choosing not to tell any of the relevant facts that were too inconvenient and embarrassing to him to mention.

I've called her twice in all these years to talk to her about an urgent situation involving her son's welfare. Both times I got spit on. It won't happen again.

 

[Imdanny]

Missy, thanks! I don't disagree with a word.

 

[allycat0303]

Hi Danny,

I really sorry about this stuff.

Honestly, if there is one thing I've learnt from being in a relationship for 15+ years, it's that you keep all MIL OUT of the relationship. I find that MIL are rarely rationale (my Mom toward my husband included). They take everything and see if from the side of their child. And I feel like their natural inclination towards, "You're not good enough for my child" kicks in and you are always WRONG. And they remember FOREVER. My husband and I made a pact years ago that we don't discuss fights between each other with our parents. EVER. We don't even discuss gripes, annoyances etc. Everything is always fine unless we have filed for divorce. This prevents any messiness.

That being said, I'm sure MIL will get over it. She seems a little prone to drama, because having your SIL speak for her is excessive. I would lay low for now. People that are dramatic tend to let things die down after they've calmed down.

 

[zoebartlett]

Sorry you're having a difficult time, Danny. I hope your SO is better today and things are fixed soon. I agree with Missy and Ally about not involving your MIL in arguments you and he are having in the future. One other reason is that when things blow over and everything is fine with you and your SO, your MIL may still have resentment towards you. She may not be over the argument, if that makes sense. You've moved on but she's still stuck in what happened.

I'm not a therapist, but here are my thoughts in cases in general where the issue is very, very serious (as in, not just a petty dispute). Not that this is your situation, but I can understand asking for your MIL's help if your SO is in danger to himself or others and he disagrees with treatment or whatever steps you want to take to ensure his safety or the safety of others. Again, obviously I don't know the exact situation, but in thinking about times when I would involve my own MIL in something would be in an instance like that (not that this has happened, just thinking through possible scenarios). Feel free to take what I've said with a grain of salt though, since I'm not a professional in that field.

 

[swingirl]

DH and I agreed 30 years ago to never bring up in-laws in an argument and never to discuss our relationship or personal lives with them. We both love our in-laws and they are all wonderful members of our family, but just to keep them out of the issues where its too easy to take sides.

I hope things work out for you and SO. It will be your SO's job to calm down his MIL and sister and remind them how important you are to him.

 

[Jennifer W]

Sorry Danny. You don't need this, and I hope it has settled down for you by now. Hugs.

p.s. I agree - no inlaws in spousal arguments. You don't have to like them or get along well, you just have to be civil to them at family functions. How they are towards you, well, that's their problem. Just be true to yourself. You're a good person, no one can change that.

 

[JewelFreak]

Danny, I'm sorry you went through such a hassle. It wasn't right of SO to 1) involve his family in an issue between you two, and 2) go off on you to them, only telling one side -- and that perhaps a little exaggerated? Sometimes when we're very upset we do things we regret later.

Good thoughts here about involvement of parents in a relationship. I don't talk about DH's & my many disagreements -- we're very different people & both stubborn -- to anyone, even good friends. Even my sister, to whom I tell almost everything. Because nobody else was there when whatever-it-was happened & can only give advice based on what I tell them. I found that wasn't useful & it also eventually conveyed a rotten impression of DH, since she heard all the bad stuff & not all the good.

Once we're grownups & on our own, I think we're stuck with solving our problems ourselves -- & if we can't, then talking to a counselor. Family members naturally are emotionally invested in their relations & know them best, as opposed to understanding the viewpoint of those relations' SOs.

I hope this gets fixed up & you are both happy again. Mama doesn't seem to have the wisdom you need -- your idea of keeping things civil but at arms' length is very smart. Hang in there, honey! Wish I could talk to you on the phone.

--- Laurie

 

[movie zombie]

i hope you are clear with your SO that after being set up for this confrontation you will no longer be calling your MIL.

 

[junebug17]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry about all this ugliness Danny - everyone else has made good points - when push comes to shove, I guess a parent is going to side with their child, but her behavior towards you was very uncalled for - I think your idea of basically not interacting with her from now on is a good one - she's obviously not going to be able to remain impartial with problems you and SO are having. I really hope you and your SO can work things out. Sorry you're going through a rough time right now.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I agree with those who said a couple should never, ever bring their parents into their personal problems in the relationship. I've been married for 35 years and we would have never made it if we had done so!

Hopefully it will be a lesson learned on both sides. Both of you need to commit to not communicating relationship problems with your parents.

 

[SomethingSinful]

I think if this happened to me I would be more annoyed at my SO for setting up a hostile confrontation with his mother then at her for being angry at me after being mislead by him

 

[Imdanny]

Thanks, all! I tend to be very forgiving with SO. That's part of it, but I let him know in no uncertain terms that he must decide whether to reach out to his mother in the future because I never will again.

 

[kenny]

Sorry you are going through this Danny.

IMHO, you need to talk to your SO and agree to keep family (and friends) out of conflicts between you two.

I think using others to gang up on a partner is unfair and immature. (But I wouldn't say that to your SO.)

 

[iheartscience]

I think if this happened to me I would be more annoyed at my SO for setting up a hostile confrontation with his mother then at her for being angry at me after being mislead by him

Ditto this-sounds like your SO definitely set you up for a fight. I hope things get smoothed out and that he keeps your MIL out of your relationship in the future.

 

[jewelerman]

im in the you were set up big time camp and im sure that you have learned from the experience.im surprised that you called her back 4 times!after the first one i would have hit the roof.the only time to text her now is if her son is literally dying and cant call her himself.all other stuff is not her business.

 

[Enerchi]

OUCH! oh ImDanny --- that's pretty hurtful. And once something is said, it can't be "unsaid" or unremembered. I feel for you. The other thing that struck me reading your story, is 'what was she thinking about me all these years leading up to today?". That would make *me* wonder if she had been honest all along.

Whatever the situation was between you and SO, I hope has been resolved, but be a bit more wary from here on in with your MIL.

Thinking positive thoughts for you both...

 

[Tuckins1]

Oh boy, sounds like a rough one. I'm sorry you're stuck in all of this... I do think it's unfair for one SO to "vent" about the other to his mother. Mothers will ALWAYS defend their kids, no matter how old and how wrong. I guess you've tried to be the bigger person and talk to her, but that's really her problem now. If she wants to continue to hold some sort of grudge, then so be it. Hopefully when your SO settles down, he can talk to his mother and apologize to HER, saying that it wasn't fair for him to jade her against you. He really should be the one apologizing in this situation, because it seems that he had instigated the whole debacle with his complaining about you to her...

 

[movie zombie]

im in the you were set up big time camp and im sure that you have learned from the experience.im surprised that you called her back 4 times!after the first one i would have hit the roof.the only time to text her now is if her son is literally dying and cant call her himself.all other stuff is not her business.

personally, i think the appropriate emergency staff/nurse/dr/cop, etc. could make that call for danny...........

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am confused, why did you call your MIL? Was this a crisis between the two of you or only with SO? What were you hoping she would say/do? IL drama is the worst. Trust me, I have first hand experience. I agree with the other posters and it is never a good idea to involve them in a personal fight. Parents rarely can be objective and it creates triangulation. It creates drama. No one involved wins.

 

[HollyS]

Couple of thoughts:

1) You two need to keep your crises to yourselves.

2) Two people of a certain age (and you've long since passed it) don't call their mommies and rant about each other.

Now, I know you won't like my perspective - - you rarely have - - but c'mon. The solution is behavior modification . . . yours and his.

Hard for his family to weigh in if neither of you involve them.

 

[hlmr]

Couple of thoughts:

1) You two need to keep your crises to yourselves.

2) Two people of a certain age (and you've long since passed it) don't call their mommies and rant about each other.

Now, I know you won't like my perspective - - you rarely have - - but c'mon. The solution is behavior modification . . . yours and his.

Hard for his family to weigh in if neither of you involve them.

But, I am sorry for your pain, Danny!

 

[Kaleigh]

Very sorry about this trouble you are going through...

To make things simple, don't go to the MIL.. You are too old for that. You and your SO need to deal on your own.... No good can come of either of you running to the MIL...

I hope all works out. You are a loving and very caring guy. From what I have read anyway... Wishing you and your SO all the best...

 

[Imdanny]

Thanks, everyone.

To the question asked, SO was having a crisis. This crisis had the potential to affect his life as he, how can I say this diplomatically, took deleberate action to place himself in harm's way.

So maybe now you all know (or not, I admit this possibility) why I felt I needed to talk to his mother.

Still, I never will again. I viewed her as being a person of concern. She viewed me as the enemy.

She had called me only two days before and had left a voicemail complaining she had called SO "10 times" and could I ask him to call her.

I have now had a conversation with SO about handling our problems without involving our families. I have also told his mother not to call me again.

Some tough lessons learned, for sure.

Everything did get resolved. In fact, I helped create the crisis and I was instramental in solving it. I don't mind owning the blame and credit due to me.

I'm also glad to have learned that his mother considers me an outsider and that my mother feels the same way about him. I thought that they fully accepted our relationship and I was a naive fool to beleive it but at least now I know.

He and I are going to 'begin again' and hopefully we'll work closely together so that this hellish week doesn't happen again.

 

[hlmr]

Good for you, Danny!! Lesson learned. And hopefully you can rebuild the trust with your SO, once again. Best wishes to you!!

 

[Imdanny]

Thank you, hmlr!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

If you are implying your SO was suicidal, I can understand why you called his mother. Would not be *my* first go to, I would take him to the ER to have him admitted or go to the courthouse to get an order of involuntary commitment, but what I don't understand is how you became the enemy? I still feel like we are missing vital information.

I am sorry you feel like an outsider. I know what that is like. I hope you can find a way to have a civil relationship with his family b/c that does make things easier. Most things in life are not black and white.