Maybe I should get therapy?

[pregcurious]

I don't think Christian forgiveness is related in any way with keeping your child around someone who sexually abused them. That is only my opinion as someone who struggles to be Christian. God also teaches us about righteous anger. There are many facets to the God in the Bible.

Maisie, you are rightly disturbed by the path she has chose. Therapy is expensive, but I think it may help you cope with the situation and perhaps help you to interact with your sister in a positive way. As for that man, I would deal with him as little as possible. He has not changed if he truly believes anyone is to blame but himself. To admit to one's sins, especially something as horrible as child sex abuse, is a very painful thing. What he is doing is not condoned by Christianity.

 

[nkarma]

In addition to what others have suggested, I think you need to try as hard as you possibly could to remove your niece from this situation. She needs therapy and help from any reasonable adult SOOOO VERY MUCH!!! She is going to spend THE REST OF HER LIFE feeling guilty, ashamed, violated, dirty, etc...even with therapy.

I think you need to see a therapist to get over the fact that you have lost your sister and forget about her. I can't imagine how you are feeling losing your best friend to depression and enabling a very controlling abusive husband.

BUT, at least she is an adult while your niece was an innocent child. Go to your niece's house, she is almost an adult. If you can offer to support her financially and definitely through therapy so she can get out of this mess. Right now she listens to her mother because that is all she has ever known. She needs to get away to somewhere safe where she can start the very long process of healing. I would do whatever I physically and financially could for her. She has never had a mother in any definition of the word and if you could be one for her, her life will be sooooooooooo much better. The reason she has a child at 17 is because of all the emotional and sexual abuse she has endured from both her "parents." You will be saving not only her life, but also her childs. These abusive cycles very much keep repeating themselves. It is not surprising that your mother also sides with the molester your sister married. It is a cycle.

EDIT TO ADD: Also, keep trying with the police to press charges. People are often sexually abused by the people closest to them and do not report it because of that. He will keep finding victims until the day he dies unless he is in prison.

 

[Enerchi]

Well said nKarma!

 

[Maisie]

If I lived closer I would do so much more to help my niece. I am at least 3 1/2 hours drive away (and thats my husbands driving.. I am a lot slower!). I feel that being so far away makes it more difficult to be of any kind of help to my sister or her daughter.

As far as I am aware there isn't a statute of limitations here for sexual abuse. There have been cases of victims who are now adults bringing the abuser to court. I wonder if my niece will ever make a report. I'm so frustrated with this whole situation. I can't fix it. I'm a fixer. So I feel like a failure. Therefore I get angry... and on it goes.

I had a letter from one of my sisters sons today. He is in prison for assault and robbery. (not against the husband). He begged me to keep an eye on his mother because he knows she is so unhappy. I can't do anything. He is worrying himself sick because he isn't there to protect her. I wish she would just get out and stay out.

Someone said that she is financially dependant on this man. That is correct. She gave up her job as a social worker to own a bed and breakfast with him. She gave up her car so he could buy himself a better one. She retrained as a massage therapist so she could work from home. He took the money she earned. She wasn't allowed a business credit card. She isn't allowed a wage from the business. He controls the finances. Won't let her drive the car unless it suits him.

I think I have found a therapist. She lives quite near me and her rates are reasonable. I am going to visit her next week to see what she is like in person.

Thank you to everyone who has posted. I really appreciate the support and advice.

 

[TravelingGal]

If I lived closer I would do so much more to help my niece. I am at least 3 1/2 hours drive away (and thats my husbands driving.. I am a lot slower!). I feel that being so far away makes it more difficult to be of any kind of help to my sister or her daughter.

As far as I am aware there isn't a statute of limitations here for sexual abuse. There have been cases of victims who are now adults bringing the abuser to court. I wonder if my niece will ever make a report. I'm so frustrated with this whole situation. I can't fix it. I'm a fixer. So I feel like a failure. Therefore I get angry... and on it goes.

I had a letter from one of my sisters sons today. He is in prison for assault and robbery. (not against the husband). He begged me to keep an eye on his mother because he knows she is so unhappy. I can't do anything. He is worrying himself sick because he isn't there to protect her. I wish she would just get out and stay out.

Someone said that she is financially dependant on this man. That is correct. She gave up her job as a social worker to own a bed and breakfast with him. She gave up her car so he could buy himself a better one. She retrained as a massage therapist so she could work from home. He took the money she earned. She wasn't allowed a business credit card. She isn't allowed a wage from the business. He controls the finances. Won't let her drive the car unless it suits him.

I think I have found a therapist. She lives quite near me and her rates are reasonable. I am going to visit her next week to see what she is like in person.

Thank you to everyone who has posted. I really appreciate the support and advice.

Maisie, please tell me you are making this up. He is a SEXUAL PREDATOR who owns a BED AND BREAKFAST???!?

 

[Maisie]

I'm totally not making any of this up.

 

[movie zombie]

.........I'm so frustrated with this whole situation. I can't fix it. I'm a fixer. So I feel like a failure. Therefore I get angry... and on it goes.........I think I have found a therapist. She lives quite near me and her rates are reasonable. I am going to visit her next week to see what she is like in person.

Thank you to everyone who has posted. I really appreciate the support and advice.

all good steps in the right direction for you, Maisie. i know it hurts to see a family member making decisions that result in what seems to be a very dysfunctional family [from what you've described and even a son in prison being concerned!].

you are doing the right thing and perhaps one day your sister and/or niece will be ready for your help. i'm glad your niece is not with her mother at this point.....please tell me your niece is keeping her baby away from this guy. if nothing else you may be able to get through to her on this basis.

good luck.

 

[Maisie]

The Husband shows zero interest in the little one (she is almost 2). My sister tries to force a relationship. Calls him 'grandad' and pushes him to show affection to the baby. If she tries to show him a toy for example, my sister will get all animated and go 'Look grandad, she is trying to play with you'. I'm sickened. This is horrible for me. I feel like I am living in some unreal world when i'm around them. My husband hates it when I go over there. I always come back in a bad way. I was there a couple of weeks ago for my nephews sentencing. I was supposed to stay for 5 days. I managed 3 before I had my husband come and get me.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

oh dear Maisie! Please look after yourself first. She will follow (or not ) but at her pace. It may not be her that is telling you to go away. It seems to me it is the husband who has told her to shun family/friends/outside influences so he can control her and destroy her. I don't know anymore than what you are posting, but a typically abusive relationship has a dominant partner who isolates and manipulates because of their own insecurities. He will be a fierce opponent!

Do you have a mental health hotline in your city/town? Call it. They are usually staffed 24/7 and are their to listen. They can provide you with local resources to contact for support for you.

And your niece - can you get her support as well? Abused children (even tho they are now adults) need support from professionals. She may look healthy and thriving on the outside, but inside, she is still suffering. I wish I could be there to help you!

She has said everything I wanted to say except she has said it much more eloquently that I could. And please, spend some time with your neice, she is going to need a lot of support to get thru this.

eta: I belong to a conservative Baptist church and the pastor is very emphatic: LEAVE IF THERE IS ALCOHOLISM OR ABUSE.

 

[Maisie]

oh dear Maisie! Please look after yourself first. She will follow (or not ) but at her pace. It may not be her that is telling you to go away. It seems to me it is the husband who has told her to shun family/friends/outside influences so he can control her and destroy her. I don't know anymore than what you are posting, but a typically abusive relationship has a dominant partner who isolates and manipulates because of their own insecurities. He will be a fierce opponent!

Do you have a mental health hotline in your city/town? Call it. They are usually staffed 24/7 and are their to listen. They can provide you with local resources to contact for support for you.

And your niece - can you get her support as well? Abused children (even tho they are now adults) need support from professionals. She may look healthy and thriving on the outside, but inside, she is still suffering. I wish I could be there to help you!

She has said everything I wanted to say except she has said it much more eloquently that I could. And please, spend some time with your neice, she is going to need a lot of support to get thru this.

eta: I belong to a conservative Baptist church and the pastor is very emphatic: LEAVE IF THERE IS ALCOHOLISM OR ABUSE.

We stopped attending the church we were going to because the pastor advised my sister to go to her own church and ask for prayer for the situation. He didn't inform the police about the abuse which I thought he was required to do. I felt that I could no longer trust the pastor after this. Surely my niece should have been the priority here. Why didn't anyone do the right thing? I was the only one who stood up for her. Not a single other person did.

 

[Enerchi]

We stopped attending the church we were going to because the pastor advised my sister to go to her own church and ask for prayer for the situation. He didn't inform the police about the abuse which I thought he was required to do. I felt that I could no longer trust the pastor after this. Surely my niece should have been the priority here. Why didn't anyone do the right thing? I was the only one who stood up for her. Not a single other person did.

And don't stop standing up for your niece because,clearly, no one else will!! You are her sole hope for strength and support in this very sick situation. The stronger you become the more she can learn from you and to trust adults again. The poor girl looks and mat act like an adult but she is still a hurt little girl inside who needs to be healed. She doesn't know yet how important you are and will be, for her recovery, but that will come with time.

You are making progress everyday. One day at a time, as a famous saying goes....

 

[HollyS]

Do you have proof, can you get proof of this abuse? If so, find someone in law enforcement who will listen and act.

If they won't listen and act,
If you sister won't listen and act,
If the niece just wants out and won't act,

then let it go. You have to. There won't be anything else for you to do.

 

[Maisie]

I don't have proof. He is very careful. He will discuss the things that happened in person but never by text or email. It would be my word against his. There are many people who know it took place but not one of them will stand up and tell it.

Looks like I am going to have to let it go. Which is why I need some therapy. I will find it really hard. It still tears me up that she went through this and her mother did nothing to protect her.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

oh dear Maisie! Please look after yourself first. She will follow (or not ) but at her pace. It may not be her that is telling you to go away. It seems to me it is the husband who has told her to shun family/friends/outside influences so he can control her and destroy her. I don't know anymore than what you are posting, but a typically abusive relationship has a dominant partner who isolates and manipulates because of their own insecurities. He will be a fierce opponent!

Do you have a mental health hotline in your city/town? Call it. They are usually staffed 24/7 and are their to listen. They can provide you with local resources to contact for support for you.

And your niece - can you get her support as well? Abused children (even tho they are now adults) need support from professionals. She may look healthy and thriving on the outside, but inside, she is still suffering. I wish I could be there to help you!

She has said everything I wanted to say except she has said it much more eloquently that I could. And please, spend some time with your neice, she is going to need a lot of support to get thru this.

eta: I belong to a conservative Baptist church and the pastor is very emphatic: LEAVE IF THERE IS ALCOHOLISM OR ABUSE.

We stopped attending the church we were going to because the pastor advised my sister to go to her own church and ask for prayer for the situation. He didn't inform the police about the abuse which I thought he was required to do. I felt that I could no longer trust the pastor after this. Surely my niece should have been the priority here. Why didn't anyone do the right thing? I was the only one who stood up for her. Not a single other person did.

Can you talk to your neice about documenting the abuse? Going back as far as she can remember, any specific dates, etc? The power of knowing an adult is on her side may be very liberating for her.

When I was working in a high school a student came in EVERY FRICKING Monday with the sh!t beat out of him. NOT ONE ADULT wanted to call DYFS and get involved. I was the only one willing to step up and make the call. One out of a staff of 78 adults who knew about the situaion. He was finally removed from the home after I threatened DDYFS I would go to the papers witth the story if they didn't do something immediately. {I wanted to bring him to live with us, but I lived in a different county and they wouldn't bend the rules}

God luck to you and your family. Sorry for the thread hijack.

 

[Maisie]

You are a wonderful person. Its people like you, people who stand up for the victim, that make a difference.

My niece won't talk about the abuse. Her mother has told her not to. I can't get her to open up. We have had one conversation about it and that was when we very first found out. I was never left alone with her again after I called the police. I can text her but I know she will tell her mother that I am trying to discuss it with her.

 

[Amys Bling]

I'm not allowed to discuss any of the abuse with my niece. My sister has made that clear and she has made my niece enforce it. I can't imagine how she has suffered. No support from her mother, or me. My mother said she could imagine that my niece encouraged the abuse. I was disgusted by that. She said that young teenage girls can be flirtatious. If that is the case surely its the adults place to stop it before it gets out of hand. None of my daughters were like this so I don't even know if thats true. I hate the idea of the victim being blamed. She was 12 years old. My sisters husband agrees with my mother. He blames her too.

what???? oh my. I can't imagine a parent or grandparent basically saying it was the child's fault that their step-parent sexually abused them!

 

[Maisie]

I'm not allowed to discuss any of the abuse with my niece. My sister has made that clear and she has made my niece enforce it. I can't imagine how she has suffered. No support from her mother, or me. My mother said she could imagine that my niece encouraged the abuse. I was disgusted by that. She said that young teenage girls can be flirtatious. If that is the case surely its the adults place to stop it before it gets out of hand. None of my daughters were like this so I don't even know if thats true. I hate the idea of the victim being blamed. She was 12 years old. My sisters husband agrees with my mother. He blames her too.

what???? oh my. I can't imagine a parent or grandparent basically saying it was the child's fault that their step-parent sexually abused them!

I know. it makes me sick too

It makes me glad that I live a long way from my mother. I wouldn't want her around my kids to be honest. I don't trust her judgement at all. I have no idea whats going on anymore with my family.

 

[movie zombie]

You are a wonderful person. Its people like you, people who stand up for the victim, that make a difference.

My niece won't talk about the abuse. Her mother has told her not to. I can't get her to open up. We have had one conversation about it and that was when we very first found out. I was never left alone with her again after I called the police. I can text her but I know she will tell her mother that I am trying to discuss it with her.

maise, i know this is difficult but given everything i think you have to back away. let your niece know you will be there when and if she so desires. if you want to keep contact with her you're going to have to drop "the topic'. i would hate it too but you're going to completely lose her if you don't. one day she'll walk through the door you provide....keep it open but don't try and push her through it. again, difficult, i know. but its time for you to put distance between you and "the topic"....personally, i'd have no contact with my sister knowing what you know. you have not been able to change her.....and continuing to hit your head on the same brick wall expecting different results is just unrealistic. the only one i'm concerned about now is your niece and her child. your sister made her bed. let her lie in it until she approaches you. however, keep that door open with your niece....just stay off "the topic" with her until she brings it up.

 

[Maisie]

You are a wonderful person. Its people like you, people who stand up for the victim, that make a difference.

My niece won't talk about the abuse. Her mother has told her not to. I can't get her to open up. We have had one conversation about it and that was when we very first found out. I was never left alone with her again after I called the police. I can text her but I know she will tell her mother that I am trying to discuss it with her.

maise, i know this is difficult but given everything i think you have to back away. let your niece know you will be there when and if she so desires. if you want to keep contact with her you're going to have to drop "the topic'. i would hate it too but you're going to completely lose her if you don't. one day she'll walk through the door you provide....keep it open but don't try and push her through it. again, difficult, i know. but its time for you to put distance between you and "the topic"....personally, i'd have no contact with my sister knowing what you know. you have not been able to change her.....and continuing to hit your head on the same brick wall expecting different results is just unrealistic. the only one i'm concerned about now is your niece and her child. your sister made her bed. let her lie in it until she approaches you. however, keep that door open with your niece....just stay off "the topic" with her until she brings it up.

Thats good advice MZ. Thank you.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Maisie, I am very sorry. I wish this was an unique situation but unfortunately it is not. It is heartbreaking how frequent a mother believes her BF/DH over her child. You cannot change your sister. You cannot change your niece. You cannot change the past. You are 100% powerless which I know is devastating. I think therapy *could* be a great tool because it sounds like you want a relationship with your sister and niece. Also, there may be support groups for families who have relatives in abusive relationships or perhaps an incest group. Individual/group therapy can help you learn to love your sister and niece while letting go and expecting them to make different choices.

ETA: I would not suggest you try to talk to your niece about her sexual trauma. Unless you are trained on how to deal with victims of abuse you could unknowingly re-traumatize her. Like others said, just let her know you love her and your are always there for her.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Maisie, I am another Christian who has seen some great advice given to you on this thread. You are right to be disgusted with this situation, but you must let go of it. You are not in control. I know how hard it is to want to see justice and protect those we love. But sometimes we cannot. You need to trust that God is in control of all things, even the things we cannot understand. The very best thing you can do for your sister and family is to pray for them. It is not your battle. Your sister must come to a realization that she needs to leave if her husband does not have a miraculous change. No one can do that for her. I think it is wise for you to seek counsel to help you let go of this. I would only recommend Christian counseling in this case, though, so I hope that is what you are seeking.

 

[Maisie]

Tacori, the last thing I want to do is traumatise my niece and make her any worse. That would be horrible. I will make sure I don't try to talk to her about the abuse. I will make sure she knows I am there for her always. I hope one day she feels able to deal with this herself and if she ever reaches out to me I will support her in getting the help she needs.

DS, we don't attend a church here. We moved when my husband was relocated due to his job. I don't know even know where to start looking for a christian counsellor. I have major trust issues with church after when happened with my niece, and while I know most churches would be fine i'm worried I might go to one that isn't so good.

 

[movie zombie]

maise, just wanted to say Merry Christmas to you and yours. i know it must be difficult given the circumstances but you have an immediate family to enjoy and cherish.

not all counselors/therapsits are created equal. i know you will find someone who resonates with you. it is ok to "shop" around to find one.

i hope that the new year brings you peace regarding this issue.

 

[Maisie]

maise, just wanted to say Merry Christmas to you and yours. i know it must be difficult given the circumstances but you have an immediate family to enjoy and cherish.

not all counselors/therapsits are created equal. i know you will find someone who resonates with you. it is ok to "shop" around to find one.

i hope that the new year brings you peace regarding this issue.

Thank you so much for your kind words MZ. We have had a wonderful day filled with lots of love and laughter. I really do cherish my little family.

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Maisie, I think good churches are hard to find, actually. But I hope you will find one eventually. If you were in the US, I could help you with finding a counselor, but I really don't know what organizations they have there for Christian counselors.

 

[Maisie]

We are on the move in a few months so we are starting to look at churches at our next posting. Hopefully we can find something there. I might have to have non christian counselling. I have researched chrustian counsellors around here and I can't find any.