Maybe I should get therapy?

[Maisie]

I have a sister who is a couple of years younger than me. She is married to her second husband. He sexually abused her 12 year old daughter. She decided to forgive him and she is still with him (says she has to forgive him because she is a Christian). My niece is 17 now, has a baby and has moved out but she did live with them till recently. I reported him to the police but my sister persuaded my niece to refuse to make a statement of complaint so they couldn't take it any further. I hate him. I wish he would leave and never come back. He said that my neice instigated the 'relationship' and he made a mistake.

I can't stop worrying about my sister. She has become severely depressed. She has poor health anyway and now spends most of her life in bed. She won't listen to me about anything. He controls her life.

I know I can't make her change. The problem is I am really angry about this situation. And helpless and frustrated. I argue with her husband on a regular basis. Now she doesn't want to see me anymore. I don't know what to do. Should I get therapy? Would it help me to come to terms with this situation and stop stressing over it so much? I don't want to be this angry my whole life.

 

[TravelingGal]

I have a sister who is a couple of years younger than me. She is married to her second husband. He sexually abused her 12 year old daughter. She decided to forgive him and she is still with him (says she has to forgive him because she is a Christian). My niece is 17 now, has a baby and has moved out but she did live with them till recently. I reported him to the police but my sister persuaded my niece to refuse to make a statement of complaint so they couldn't take it any further. I hate him. I wish he would leave and never come back. He said that my neice instigated the 'relationship' and he made a mistake.

I can't stop worrying about my sister. She has become severely depressed. She has poor health anyway and now spends most of her life in bed. She won't listen to me about anything. He controls her life.

I know I can't make her change. The problem is I am really angry about this situation. And helpless and frustrated. I argue with her husband on a regular basis. Now she doesn't want to see me anymore. I don't know what to do. Should I get therapy? Would it help me to come to terms with this situation and stop stressing over it so much? I don't want to be this angry my whole life.

Maisie, I'm no health professional, so take this with a grain of salt, because this is a knee jerk comment to some extent re: your sister.

Your sister is delusional. She needs help. I know all about that Christian model of forgiveness, but you can freaking forgive from AFAR while taking your child out of a horrific situation. Your sister has committed a heinous act against her own daughter by not getting her out of the situation and making excuses for her husband. Again, the health professionals can speak more intelligently than I can about such domestic horrors, but of course she won't listen to you...because something is WRONG WITH HER imho.

I am so sorry about what this must do to you. She is your sister and it sounds like you love her. Therapy might do you good to work out your feelings of anger and helplessness. You can't control her. You can control you and your life. It makes me sad to hear about such a sad situation so I can only imagine how you feel.

You can be there for her, but it also might be necessary for you to distance yourself from them too, if that makes any sense.

 

[kenny]

Yeah it sounds like there is nothing you can do about your sister or her husband but DO take care of yourself.
If you feel therapy will probably then it probably will.

Hugs.

 

[Enerchi]

Oh Maisie...

You can't control people, places or things (this was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn the hard way) but you can control yourself. Get help for YOU! You are suffering here as well, and perhaps counselling will guide you thru this terrible dark point. If you can possibly persuade your sister to seek help, that would be ideal. Get her to her doctor/ Nurse Practitioner/ health centre as soon as you are able to - and she is willing to attend. She is depressed - but she is not stupid!

She may be in "self preservation mode". Denial is a powerful defense mechanism and she is living in it at this time. Who forgives a husband who rapes his step daughter? NO ONE! She is surviving the best way she knows how, at this moment in her life, but unfortunately at the expense of her daughter and herself. She doesn't have the inner strength you do to openly face and try to deal with what has taken place. He has also emotionally abused her to the point where she is lacking in confidence to risk rocking the boat. There could be other things holding her back as well. Do not be mad at her - support her. She needs you now, more than she has in her whole life!

You can't control what she does. You can help and support her. You can report to the authorities again, and if they don't have cooperation, you can't do anything more at this time. Maybe now that your niece is out of the house, maybe NOW she might cooperate with the police?

Look after yourself Maisie. You are in my thoughts. It takes extreme strength to decide to disclose a huge 'family secret'. In my health care professional experience, that's the first step to resolution -acceptance of a situation. Stay strong. You have our support...

Please check in again.

 

[Maisie]

TG, I love her with all my heart. We used to be so close. Now, i'm not allowed to be near her. If I could pick her up and take her to a safe place I would. But she doesn't want that. She says she loves him. I don't understand this. I would die to protect my children from danger. I'm a Christian. I'm having major problems with forgiveness here. And that bothers me too. I feel that my niece wouldn't have gotten pregnant at 15 if she hadn't been abused. She must have felt that was all she was worth. She is going to University next September though, which is wonderful. Having her baby hasn't ruined her life at all. I adore my niece and her daughter.

Kenny, thank you for the hugs. I really wasn't sure about posting something so personal here.

 

[Maisie]

Oh Maisie...

You can't control people, places or things (this was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn the hard way) but you can control yourself. Get help for YOU! You are suffering here as well, and perhaps counselling will guide you thru this terrible dark point. If you can possibly persuade your sister to seek help, that would be ideal. Get her to her doctor/ Nurse Practitioner/ health centre as soon as you are able to - and she is willing to attend. She is depressed - but she is not stupid!

She may be in "self preservation mode". Denial is a powerful defense mechanism and she is living in it at this time. Who forgives a husband who rapes his step daughter? NO ONE! She is surviving the best way she knows how, at this moment in her life, but unfortunately at the expense of her daughter and herself. She doesn't have the inner strength you do to openly face and try to deal with what has taken place. He has also emotionally abused her to the point where she is lacking in confidence to risk rocking the boat. There could be other things holding her back as well. Do not be mad at her - support her. She needs you now, more than she has in her whole life!

You can't control what she does. You can help and support her. You can report to the authorities again, and if they don't have cooperation, you can't do anything more at this time. Maybe now that your niece is out of the house, maybe NOW she might cooperate with the police?

Look after yourself Maisie. You are in my thoughts. It takes extreme strength to decide to disclose a huge 'family secret'. In my health care professional experience, that's the first step to resolution -acceptance of a situation. Stay strong. You have our support...

Please check in again.

Thank you so much for posting. Can I clarify, he didn't rape her. He did pretty much everything else though. It was only when it came to the point of rape that she told her mother. The abuse went on for 2 years till she was 14.

I wish I could get my sister some help. She won't go. I've tried. Her first husband was violent towards my sister so she already has a fear of rocking the boat. She thinks that if she perseveres her life will improve. I am watching her get worse and worse and can't do a single thing to help her. She has asked me to stay away from her now. She says she can't take the pressure anymore.

 

[TravelingGal]

TG, I love her with all my heart. We used to be so close. Now, i'm not allowed to be near her. If I could pick her up and take her to a safe place I would. But she doesn't want that. She says she loves him. I don't understand this. I would die to protect my children from danger. I'm a Christian. I'm having major problems with forgiveness here. And that bothers me too. I feel that my niece wouldn't have gotten pregnant at 15 if she hadn't been abused. She must have felt that was all she was worth. She is going to University next September though, which is wonderful. Having her baby hasn't ruined her life at all. I adore my niece and her daughter.

Kenny, thank you for the hugs. I really wasn't sure about posting something so personal here.

I know this is very unchristian, but at some point I'm OK with leaving the forgiving to God. He's supposed to be better at it anyway.

I'm glad to her it didn't ruin her life, but the situation still makes me want to be sick. I have a daughter, and I simply cannot imagine.

 

[Enerchi]

oh dear Maisie! Please look after yourself first. She will follow (or not ) but at her pace. It may not be her that is telling you to go away. It seems to me it is the husband who has told her to shun family/friends/outside influences so he can control her and destroy her. I don't know anymore than what you are posting, but a typically abusive relationship has a dominant partner who isolates and manipulates because of their own insecurities. He will be a fierce opponent!

Do you have a mental health hotline in your city/town? Call it. They are usually staffed 24/7 and are their to listen. They can provide you with local resources to contact for support for you.

And your niece - can you get her support as well? Abused children (even tho they are now adults) need support from professionals. She may look healthy and thriving on the outside, but inside, she is still suffering.

I wish I could be there to help you!

 

[Maisie]

TG, I love her with all my heart. We used to be so close. Now, i'm not allowed to be near her. If I could pick her up and take her to a safe place I would. But she doesn't want that. She says she loves him. I don't understand this. I would die to protect my children from danger. I'm a Christian. I'm having major problems with forgiveness here. And that bothers me too. I feel that my niece wouldn't have gotten pregnant at 15 if she hadn't been abused. She must have felt that was all she was worth. She is going to University next September though, which is wonderful. Having her baby hasn't ruined her life at all. I adore my niece and her daughter.

Kenny, thank you for the hugs. I really wasn't sure about posting something so personal here.

I know this is very unchristian, but at some point I'm OK with leaving the forgiving to God. He's supposed to be better at it anyway.

I'm glad to her it didn't ruin her life, but the situation still makes me want to be sick. I have a daughter, and I simply cannot imagine.

It makes me sick too. I have 2 daughters. I just couldn't imagine letting them go through something like this and not protecting them. They are so precious to me.

 

[marchesa6989]

maisie i am so sorry for you and your sister's situation these things are never easy, and there is no right answer. i know that feeling of fighting against a brick wall and trying to save someone from a bad situation. unfortunately, THEY are the only ones who can get themselves out. and getting to this step involves them recognising there is a problem and wanting to leave. it doesn't seem like your sister is at that stage yet.

may i ask, apart from the sexual abuse (and i'm by no means minimising the gravity of the situation here), how does he treat your sister?

a few points that came to my mind:
- forgiveness as a Christian is not condoning someone's actions. it is finding peace in yourself and with God so that you can let it go and not let the situation eat away at you and become a lifelong burden. however it is not an instantaneous process and i can see how this situation particularly is a very tough one to deal with immediately since there has been no resolution and what he has done is on such a perverse level
- it seems that while you continue to advocate strongly for your sister to leave her husband and report him, she will only distance you. what she might need right now is someone to support her in the way she needs - she needs a loving family member who knows the right thing to do, but will gently guide her there. sometimes it is easier to block out the things we need to hear the most. i know you miss her and only want the best for her. perhaps the best way to do that is from the inside. understand that leaving a partner is one of the hardest things to do, and even more so condemning them to prison by reporting their actions. by doing that you are forcing her hand without giving her the time to process or plan what to do without him. if you can slowly spend more time with her and broach the topic, i think explaining her options and providing her with different ones will help her see that she WILL be ok without him. things will be better and she can continue to live a fulfilling life without that hanging over her head.
- since she has used the forgiveness aspect in regards to him, would it be useful to get a pastor or someone at church to talk to her? perhaps that would help her to see that her understanding of the term and its application to this situation is erroneous.

i'm so glad that your niece is still getting an education and making plans for her life though. that is something to be truly thankful for. another big role you can play is to continue to support and be there for her. make sure she knows that she is worthy. that what has happened does not define her and she has a great future ahead of her, and that God has a wonderful plan for her and her daughter. encourage her to be the best mother she can be.

either way please look after yourself. if you feel you need someone to talk to apart from family and friends, by all means book an appointment with a psychologist. your mental health is of utmost importance and you need to be in the right frame of mind for the time when she does come and ask for your help. if you are also a wreck that is going to be a problem.

 

[Maisie]

oh dear Maisie! Please look after yourself first. She will follow (or not ) but at her pace. It may not be her that is telling you to go away. It seems to me it is the husband who has told her to shun family/friends/outside influences so he can control her and destroy her. I don't know anymore than what you are posting, but a typically abusive relationship has a dominant partner who isolates and manipulates because of their own insecurities. He will be a fierce opponent!

Do you have a mental health hotline in your city/town? Call it. They are usually staffed 24/7 and are their to listen. They can provide you with local resources to contact for support for you.

And your niece - can you get her support as well? Abused children (even tho they are now adults) need support from professionals. She may look healthy and thriving on the outside, but inside, she is still suffering.

I wish I could be there to help you!

I'm not allowed to discuss any of the abuse with my niece. My sister has made that clear and she has made my niece enforce it. I can't imagine how she has suffered. No support from her mother, or me. My mother said she could imagine that my niece encouraged the abuse. I was disgusted by that. She said that young teenage girls can be flirtatious. If that is the case surely its the adults place to stop it before it gets out of hand. None of my daughters were like this so I don't even know if thats true. I hate the idea of the victim being blamed. She was 12 years old. My sisters husband agrees with my mother. He blames her too.

 

[TravelingGal]

I'm not allowed to discuss any of the abuse with my niece. My sister has made that clear and she has made my niece enforce it. I can't imagine how she has suffered. No support from her mother, or me. My mother said she could imagine that my niece encouraged the abuse. I was disgusted by that. She said that young teenage girls can be flirtatious. If that is the case surely its the adults place to stop it before it gets out of hand. None of my daughters were like this so I don't even know if thats true. I hate the idea of the victim being blamed. She was 12 years old. My sisters husband agrees with my mother. He blames her too.

 

[TravelingGal]

Maisie, with a mother who could possibly think a grandchild could have "encouraged" abuse, my guess is that you could have done well with therapy ages ago. I hope that doesn't come across as insulting, but I am just having a hard time grasping what you are saying here.

 

[Maisie]

maisie i am so sorry for you and your sister's situation these things are never easy, and there is no right answer. i know that feeling of fighting against a brick wall and trying to save someone from a bad situation. unfortunately, THEY are the only ones who can get themselves out. and getting to this step involves them recognising there is a problem and wanting to leave. it doesn't seem like your sister is at that stage yet.

may i ask, apart from the sexual abuse (and i'm by no means minimising the gravity of the situation here), how does he treat your sister?

a few points that came to my mind:
- forgiveness as a Christian is not condoning someone's actions. it is finding peace in yourself and with God so that you can let it go and not let the situation eat away at you and become a lifelong burden. however it is not an instantaneous process and i can see how this situation particularly is a very tough one to deal with immediately since there has been no resolution and what he has done is on such a perverse level
- it seems that while you continue to advocate strongly for your sister to leave her husband and report him, she will only distance you. what she might need right now is someone to support her in the way she needs - she needs a loving family member who knows the right thing to do, but will gently guide her there. sometimes it is easier to block out the things we need to hear the most. i know you miss her and only want the best for her. perhaps the best way to do that is from the inside. understand that leaving a partner is one of the hardest things to do, and even more so condemning them to prison by reporting their actions. by doing that you are forcing her hand without giving her the time to process or plan what to do without him. if you can slowly spend more time with her and broach the topic, i think explaining her options and providing her with different ones will help her see that she WILL be ok without him. things will be better and she can continue to live a fulfilling life without that hanging over her head.
- since she has used the forgiveness aspect in regards to him, would it be useful to get a pastor or someone at church to talk to her? perhaps that would help her to see that her understanding of the term and its application to this situation is erroneous.

i'm so glad that your niece is still getting an education and making plans for her life though. that is something to be truly thankful for. another big role you can play is to continue to support and be there for her. make sure she knows that she is worthy. that what has happened does not define her and she has a great future ahead of her, and that God has a wonderful plan for her and her daughter. encourage her to be the best mother she can be.

either way please look after yourself. if you feel you need someone to talk to apart from family and friends, by all means book an appointment with a psychologist. your mental health is of utmost importance and you need to be in the right frame of mind for the time when she does come and ask for your help. if you are also a wreck that is going to be a problem.

He treats my sister very poorly. He doesn't accept her medical problems as valid or real. We are both carriers of a genetic condition which have led to her entering premature menopause. She has a sleep disorder which makes her fall asleep at the drop of a hat. She is on medication for both issues but they come with side effects so she doesn't always take them properly. He gets very irritated when she doesn't take them and gets really angry with her. If she arranges a time to have a nap when they don't have to work (they run a b&b) he will wait till she falls asleep then comes in and wakes her up to argue with her. He does this on purpose because it seems he enjoys annoying her. He will pick fights over the least little thing. She can't go far from home because she has to be near a toilet as her stomach is very sensitive. He gets angry with this too. He is from the type of family who never gets sick, so he has no patience with her being unwell. He says depression isn't a genuine illness. Its just an excuse to get out of doing things you don't want to do.

 

[Maisie]

Maisie, with a mother who could possibly think a grandchild could have "encouraged" abuse, my guess is that you could have done well with therapy ages ago. I hope that doesn't come across as insulting, but I am just having a hard time grasping what you are saying here.

Can you see now why upgrading made me so happy? Just kidding.

You are correct. My mother thinks my niece instigated the situation. And the husband was more of a victim. I come from a quite dysfunctional family. But i'm rather normal all things considered

 

[marchesa6989]

ok not being judgemental but this man is all kinds of wrong. i was going to suggest that if he treated her well, maybe that's why she's sticking around. but this is just mind boggling.

i definitely think talking to someone about it well help you. whether it will help fix the situation is another story, and whether you can really do anything without her being willing is the key issue. the whole thing is quite disturbing and its hard to fathom how someone could so blatantly mistreat his entire family.

again i'm so sorry maisie i can't begin to imagine the pain your sister and you have gone through over the years...

 

[Enerchi]

I'm not allowed to discuss any of the abuse with my niece. My sister has made that clear and she has made my niece enforce it. I can't imagine how she has suffered. No support from her mother, or me. My mother said she could imagine that my niece encouraged the abuse. I was disgusted by that. She said that young teenage girls can be flirtatious. If that is the case surely its the adults place to stop it before it gets out of hand. None of my daughters were like this so I don't even know if thats true. I hate the idea of the victim being blamed. She was 12 years old. My sisters husband agrees with my mother. He blames her too.

WHAT?!?!?! OMG!!!

PLease get that poor girl to a counsellor. She is being punished for being a 12 year old robbed of her innocence and childhood! That perpetuates the 'unworthiness' of her psyche!!!

Who puts restrictions on discussing abuse? I am so amazed at this. This sends the message that the daughter was at "FAULT" and lets deny and sweep under the carpet. Even if the girl DID flirt with her step father, flirting does not equal or "OK" sexual advances or predatory behaviours on his part!

Maisie, you are fighting this battle on your own, from a family perspective. You will be able to send a strong message to your niece that this is wrong and that there are adults who care and can help, if you get yourself help. Would you consider telling your niece that you are getting counselling to deal with what happened to her and not put any pressure on her at this time to do anything other than know that you need to cope. You have the chance to 'lead by example'. It will take time and patience to get thru to your family members, but it can happen. Not instantly, but over time.

My heart is breaking with this story. Please get counselling for yourself. There is a web of hurt being uncovered in this situation. Please look after yourself.

 

[Maisie]

I'm going to wait until after Christmas and New Year then find a therapist. Everything shuts down round her for the holidays.

If I can show my niece that its ok to get help and talk this over she might do it too. She is very protective over her mother and never does anything to make her stress more than she already is. This too is wrong. Its like the roles have been reversed. It was my sister who pushed her into the relationship with the boy who she got pregnant with. She said my niece needed some 'normality' which included finding a boy her own age. As if to say 'stay away from my man, get your own'....

 

[Enerchi]

Go at your own pace, Maisie. After the holidays may be better for all involved. Emotions are always elevated now anyhow (family is not always fun like a Hallmark card thinks it should be!) Find a therapist/counsellor that you connect with and specializes in family dysfunction.

I'm proud that you feel you can help your niece by setting an example of healthy self care and self respect!!

Your sister has too many issues to be able to help her daughter. Maybe this is a time that you have to be a surrogate parent for a while - there could be relief for all involved if you start to set limits and make changes. Change is never easy - and in this type of dynamic, it will be fought tooth and nail to alter the flow of how things roll right now. Stay strong.

Happy to support you in any way I can. Wish I could IM you personally, but this will have to do.

 

[Maisie]

Go at your own pace, Maisie. After the holidays may be better for all involved. Emotions are always elevated now anyhow (family is not always fun like a Hallmark card thinks it should be!) Find a therapist/counsellor that you connect with and specializes in family dysfunction.

I'm proud that you feel you can help your niece by setting an example of healthy self care and self respect!!

Your sister has too many issues to be able to help her daughter. Maybe this is a time that you have to be a surrogate parent for a while - there could be relief for all involved if you start to set limits and make changes. Change is never easy - and in this type of dynamic, it will be fought tooth and nail to alter the flow of how things roll right now. Stay strong.

Happy to support you in any way I can. Wish I could IM you personally, but this will have to do.

I like to think I can help my niece by getting help myself. She is a lovely girl. She deserves the very best of everything. I appreciate your support

 

[Enerchi]

only a message away!

 

[iLander]

I'm so sorry to hear this, Maisie.

The girl feels abused by her father and betrayed by her mother. But your sister is in an un-winable situation; she has health issues, so how can she leave him? Where would she go? How would she pay for her food, clothes, a place to live? That's probably what's behind her "forgiveness". I think you should make her aware of the phone number and resources at the local battered women's shelter, because that's basically what she is; abused. If not physically, then mentally. The first thing an abuser does is isolate the victim from friends and family. She doesn't see a way out, but there is one: a women's shelter.

Then move on. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. Stop feeling guilty or whatever, you can't do it all yourself. You can't control everything around you, and you have to realize that. Control is an illusion, the illusion might make you feel secure, but that's all it is-an illusion. The sooner you get past that, the happier you'll be, in many aspects of your life. So, maybe therapy will help.

Be there for her when she's ready, but if she's not ready, there's nothing you can do.

 

[TravelingGal]

Maisie, I know there is only so much you can do, but forgive me when I say this as I thought about it more...

Not sure if this is just "dysfunctional." I mean, isn't it a CRIME to sexually abuse a minor there? I am not a law person, but your family is making excuses for someone who has commited a crime. They're covering it up! I know you filed a police report (and good for you!) and that it couldn't go anywhere, but this sounds way beyond dysfunctional to me.

 

[Maisie]

Maisie, I know there is only so much you can do, but forgive me when I say this as I thought about it more...

Not sure if this is just "dysfunctional." I mean, isn't it a CRIME to sexually abuse a minor there? I am not a law person, but your family is making excuses for someone who has commited a crime. They're covering it up! I know you filed a police report (and good for you!) and that it couldn't go anywhere, but this sounds way beyond dysfunctional to me.

Yes its a crime. And I reported it to the police. I had spoken to the husband the day after my niece told her mother about the abuse. He admitted everything to me. He was arrested but then released on bail while the police made enquiries. My family turned against me. My sister wouldn't speak to me for almost a year. The same with my mother. My niece wasn't allowed any contact with me. I found out later that Social Services became involved with the family and my sister and niece had to move out of the house for a few months. The problem came where my niece just flat refused to make a statement to the police, so they couldn't proceed. I felt just as helpless then as I do now. And still very angry - 3 years later. My sister has two sons who are adults. They have both attacked the husband as they also feel angry at the situation. She always sides with the husband. He says the boys are out of control and need to stay away from him and my sister. I'm not surprised at their behaviour. While I don't condone violence I can see why they did it.

 

[baby nurse]

I don't have anything new to add but I do want to offer you more support, Maisie. This situation turns my stomach.

 

[movie zombie]

direct answer to the direct question: yes, see help with a counselor/therapist. there is no way you're ever going to be ok with this. either walk away from your sister, tell your niece you're there for her if she ever wants help, and tell your sister why you are walking away... or learn to live with their decisions.

your sister definitely has problems. but you can't change her: remember before you try to change someone else how very hard it is to change yourself. she has made her decisions. in my mind's eye, you are perfectly right to be upset and mad. but in the end you've probably done everything you can and the upshot is that she is moving away from you. that has got to hurt.

please take care of yourself.

 

[Arkteia]

I think your question about therapy already contains an answer. Best of luck in the process.

On a side note, as a Christian who saw churches, and temples, and mosques, I feel that there is a huge difference between Faith and religion. At the end of the day, it is between a person and God, and people of true faith are few and far between. No sense in changing anyone, it comes from within. Sorry to go there... I am so sorry for your niece and you.

 

[aviastar]

Hi Maisie, I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this. A few thoughts on forgiveness; I have struggled with this concept and the action of forgiveness many times in my life, so I speak from my own experiences only which are in a Christian context. Please feel free to skip my post if that's not your thing It sounds to me like your sister may be using the forgiveness card as an excuse, but as you said that you were struggling, too, hopefully my continued journey towards forgiving can help, or just lend some support

For me, forgiveness is letting go of the anger and the ill-will towards another person. This absolutely can and should be done from a distance if that is the healthiest course of action. Forgiving does not include condoning wrong behavior or allowing someone to walk all over you- it simply means letting go of the hate.

Forgiving is REALLY HARD, but what helps me is to remember that I am not responsible for holding anyone else accountable, in an eternal sense. God is GOOD, He is mericful, but He is JUST. Your brother-in-law WILL be held accountable for his actions, in this life or the next (or both), rest assured of that. I am grateful that the Atonement of Jesus Christ allows me to hand over the burden of judgement and punishment to those much better suited for it than I, namely God. Thus, I am able to forgive and then be forgiven myself.

I don't usually go so heavy on the religion in such a public way, but the topic and journey of forgiveness is one that is near to my heart and I know that you will be in a much better place to help your niece, though your excellent example and your compassionate and strong actions if you can let go of the anger. Not to mention, you will have much more peace in your own life!

Please, continue your relationship with your niece, she needs you. And I do think speaking with a councelor is a great idea to help sort though a lot of the emotions and thoughts. You are doing everything you can!

Best wishes and much love!

 

[makemepretty]

Maisie, take care of yourself and hopefully someday you and your niece will have a healthy relationship. I hope she realizes she is so young and still has a full wonderful life ahead of her. Eventually she'll come to terms with what your sister allowed and how she chose her husband over her own daughter. It may take a few years but believe me, it will happen when she matures. When that day comes, she'll probably seek you out.

I know you asked about your sister but I feel no sympathy for a woman who does not protect her child. She did the opposite, she LET her child be harmed. I have nothing nice to say and will leave it at that.

 

[rubybeth]

I'm going to wait until after Christmas and New Year then find a therapist. Everything shuts down round her for the holidays.

If I can show my niece that its ok to get help and talk this over she might do it too. She is very protective over her mother and never does anything to make her stress more than she already is. This too is wrong. Its like the roles have been reversed. It was my sister who pushed her into the relationship with the boy who she got pregnant with. She said my niece needed some 'normality' which included finding a boy her own age. As if to say 'stay away from my man, get your own'....

Oh, maisie, what a horrible situation. Your sister is obviously very damaged herself to allow her daughter to be in this situation to begin with. And, no doubt, you are right that your niece would not have had a child so young if she had not been abused. The damage done to that young woman's psyche, heart, and soul can never be undone, but therapy could help her to see her own worth and that her relationship with her mother is reversed. I think you are right that by going to therapy yourself that your niece may see that it's okay to talk to someone when there's a problem or you don't feel good. My DH works with teenage girls who have been traumatized in various ways, and sometimes their logic is stunning. Sexual contact between an adult and a minor is never okay, and I'm glad your sister's husband was arrested, but it would be better if your niece could go on record before the statute of limitations runs out on prosecuting this man. If she is protective in nature, maybe she could be convinced that he is not only a threat to herself, but also to other young women, and a predator of that kind should be kept away from those likely to be taken advantage of, including her own mother.

What a mess. Hugs to you, maisie.