Wedding marriage counseling?

[Smurfysmiles]

So we have officially been approved to have our wedding at the church and we have to come back to town for a session of marriage counseling. it''s in a group setting and then it says we have the opportunity to discuss the results with the pastor. I''m kind of nervous because what if they tell us we can''t get married because we hadn''t discussed something like retirement plans or something...Has anyone had any experience with this? I''m trying to calm my mind down

 

[Smurfysmiles]

*bump*
anybody out there? my posts seem to be getting ignored so maybe ill just quit posting so much...

 

[dragonfly411]

Smurfy
Don''t stop posting, I love your personality! I wish I could offer some solace but alas, I''m not even engaged yet lol. I would think they can''t deny you marriage over retirement plans. I think the counseling is more to make sure you are prepared for the long term commitment and to give you guidance, if that helps!

 

[Morgie44]

I am assuming that this is going to be like a precana class is for the Catholic church since you said it is a group setting. I havent been to ours yet, but from friends who have gone through precana, they have said it is more of a discussion. There will be presenters who discuss the topics (money, children, cleaning, sex even) as a large group and then they had worksheets with questions that each person filled out individually then each couple will discuss their answers with each other before returning to the group. So I am guessing that if you meet with your pastor afterward it would be more like a "debriefing" sort of thing. What did you learn about each other what do you need to work on etc.

For the most part, it seems that pastors etc aren''t out to judge you but moreso to help you two learn to work through your issues and differences together and make sure that all the major issues are discussed before marriage. And if the pastor is judgmental ( I have heard of some priests being like this) then that probably isn''t the best person to be joining you two in marriage to begin with and you can know in advance to look for someone else to officiate. Don''t be scared!

 

[kstar512]

This is my first time posting on here, while I have been a lurker for a long time. But I just wanted to put your concerns to rest. My best friends father is a pastor and what he explained to me is that the only thing this counciling is for, is to make sure going into the marriage you are aware of both your strengths and weaknesses as a couple. This is supposed to make for better communication and a better marriage. He said under no circumstances would he ever tell a couple they should not be married.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Yeah, don''t stop posting just because one doesn''t get commented on soon! Haha I''ve definitely had a few of those, some didn''t get posts at all. I think sometimes people just don''t have a whole lot to say (ha and I know sometimes I just like lurking and reading, and I have to make myself go sign in and type because I realize I need to contribute too). Besides, this is a great site - I love it!! Where else can you find such nice people with honest opinions and nothing but nice things to say??

Anyway, I totally agree with Morgie. I''m nowhere near the counseling step yet, but I don''t think there''s anything to be scared of. Just go in and be honest. These things are just meant to make sure you haven''t forgotten to discuss the important issues and you both understand each other enough before you enter into marriage. And if there happen to be things you haven''t discussed or don''t realize about each other, this will just bring it to light so you can discuss it or be prepared. In other words, help you both be more willing to give and take as needed and know how compliment each other with strengths and weaknesses. And I second the comment about if they are judgemental, then you probably aren''t on the same page with them and they shouldn''t be performing the ceremony.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think the best thing you can do between now and then, is to just continue to talk freely with your FI about lifes issues--big and little. Hopefully when the time comes, you two will be able to address the pressing questions.

However, I would be very surprised if you were denied marriage because you hadn''t talked about every detail...So, I guess if something comes up...be honest about the fact, and then discuss it. The thing is, you two are partners and everything will be okay.

 

[gtn]

smurfysmiles, don''t stop posting. I try to come and read and post as much as I can, but I do try. I wanted to add that I went through the precana classes with my DH and it was a lot of fun. It is what you make of it, and you don''t have to share your thoughts and opinions with anybody but your FI, but I think you get so much more out of the counseling if you share. The classes stress the importance of communication and go over topics that people usually have difficulty doing such as money, kids, parenting expectations, sex, etc. They also teach you methods to cope with disagreements and how to talk to each other.

We talked to two priest, one for the church and the other who officiated, not once did they say we shouldn''t get married. They just wanted to talk to us and see if the classes presented any concerns we wanted to talk about.

Also, there was a couple who I believe shouldn''t get married, but they still got their certificates. I don''t think you have anything to worry about.

 

[neatfreak]

Don''t stress, the worst that will happen is that the classes will identify a big issue between you guys and they will recommend some more counseling. This happened to a friend of mine and in her case it was a really great thing, they really shouldn''t have been getting married and they had a chance to figure that out before taking the plunge!

But they won''t refuse to marry you anywhere I have ever seen!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Thanks guys, that makes me feel a LOT better I just got a little down because my landlord caught my cat in my apt

and I thought I would get evicted or something and it was at the same time I was checking to see if anyone had posted lol. I''m in a much better mood now because I found out I most likely got the new job I applied for

 

[oobiecoo]

The church probably wouldn''t deny your marriage because you haven''t discussed retirement plans... but I have to say:

You NEED to discuss these things now. Things like children, discipline, finances, religion... these are all huge things.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 10/17/2008 2:33:57 PM
Author: oobiecoo
The church probably wouldn''t deny your marriage because you haven''t discussed retirement plans... but I have to say:


You NEED to discuss these things now. Things like children, discipline, finances, religion... these are all huge things.

We have actually discussed all of those things, retirement was just the first thing off the top of my head i could think of that we had not discussed. We talk about those things when were laying in bed at night

 

[marchswallowbird]

I went through a 8-week series of premarital education classes with FI. He wanted to do it before we officially announced our engagement. It was one of the best things we could have done. It brought us so much closer together, and enabled us to talk about difficult subjects in a really safe and supportive environment. Much of the discussions revolved around communication; how to discuss difficult subjects so that there is mutual resolution, learning the best way to communicate with each other when there is stress or conflict, how both couples need to give and take, and skills to enhance true listening and empathy on both sides. Also how to communicate so things don''t escalate into a fight, or, if you are fighting, how to compromise and resolve your issues without hurting each other or saying things in the heat of anger that could be permanently damaging to your relationship.

Usually this counseling also gets into your views about child-rearing, religion, handling money and resolving financial conflicts -- all those sticky subjects that could result in serious conflict in a marriage. The goal is to come to a mutual understanding about how you as a couple will approach these BEFORE you get married. Sometimes this counseling reveals conflicts large enough that the couple ends up deciding not to get married after all.

We were given the opportunity to work on this together as a couple apart from the others in the class, and only share with the group things we were comfortable sharing.

We thought we knew each other really well, but we both found out (good) things about each other that we hadn''t known before.

You will be fine. They won''t tell you that you can''t get married just because you didn''t cover a particular topic or other. Usually the crucial aspect is how to effectively communicate during times of high emotion, conflict and stress. I think pretty much every single one of these premarital courses focuses on communication.