Wedding Major Bridesmaid Dilemma - Long Vent!

[ljsmith001]

So, I only have about 4 months until my big day! I have been going over last details to ensure everything is ready for my wedding. I just recently took a new job and have been stressed with getting it together there, getting to know everyone and getting in the groove of working again. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 15 months. My FI and I have been together for over 3 years and cannot wait for our wedding day. I have had 3 of the best friends in the entire world ever since I was about 11. My 4th bridesmaid I met about 3 years ago and I love her to death. However, she is a "free spirit", very, very spacey and cannot hold a job to save her life. She has NO money and it doesn''t seem to bother her. She is a VERY attractive girl - only 24 - and depends on men to pay for her lifestyle - going out, clothes, food, etc, and they DO IT. Well, I told her time and time again to go in and GET MEASURED and order her dress. She kept putting it off, over and over. Finally I told her that if she didn''t take care of it immediately the dresses would be ordered without her and she would miss out. Finally, she called in her measurements and assured me things were okay. I believed her and didnt stress about it for weeks. One of my other friends (who ordered hers months ago_) wanted to be sure the dresses would arrive early in time for alterations. Well, YESTERDAY i recieved a call from the bridal salon saying that yes my lazy friend did call in her size however they made it CLEAR that she had to come in and pay the deposit. Well, of course she never did it, because she has NO money. She won''t ask her mom for money to help pay for it (i know her mom personally, and I know her mom would say yes - its MY wedding afterall) but she didnt do it because she claims she asks her mom for everything from car insurance money to gas money, etc, etc. SO, I get SOOOO irritated. I tell her this is MY wedding, not something you can just blow off. You can''t NOT order your dress and NOT tell me. She tells me it slipped her mind and she is so stressed out looking for a job, etc. So, I take it upon myself to call the bridal salon and pay the deposit (76 dollars). She says she will pay my back, although I never plan on seeing that money again. Am I wrong to be irritated? Am I wrong to be irritated that I will never see a shower gift, a bachelorette gift, and a wedding gift from her? Am I wrong to expect my friends at our age to be mature enough to hold a job and treat their friends who are getting married with the respect they deserve??! Had she told me she couldnt afford the deposit and been honest with me, I would have been more than happy to help out. However, pretending she ordered the dress and pretending nothing was wrong has REALLY REALLY irritated me!!!!!!!!


Thoughts Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Gwyn]

Well you asked....

"Am I wrong to be irritated? Am I wrong to be irritated that I will never see a shower gift, a bachelorette gift, and a wedding gift from her? Am I wrong to expect my friends at our age to be mature enough to hold a job and treat their friends who are getting married with the respect they deserve??! Had she told me she couldnt afford the deposit and been honest with me, I would have been more than happy to help out. However, pretending she ordered the dress and pretending nothing was wrong has REALLY REALLY irritated me!!!!!!!! Thoughts Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

____________________________________________________________________________

No, I do not think you are wrong for being irritated. Your friend said she would be a bridesmaid (and all that entails) and she clearly cannot. She said she would take care of the dress and not only did she not, but she didnt even have the decency to tell you about it.

As for the gifts, there I think you are out of out line. Its not her job to get your stuff. Nor is it your right to receive them, especially from someone who obviously cant afford it.

Is it wrong to expect a 24 year old to hold down a job...maybe...maybe not. But its her life not yours, and I dont think you have a right to judge how she is living it. So many factors are at play there, I think that, unless you have everything in your life in order, it would be wise not to start throwing stones. And if you do have it all in order, good for you, but have some compassion, some people are not that lucky, especially not at 24.

As to the not treating you and your upcoming marriage with respect, If you are referring to her not being truthful about being able to be a BM and about the dress, then yes, i consider that disrespectful. If you are talking about the gift thing again, I think that she is under no obligation to do so and by not giving one, she is in no way dishonoring you or the marriage you are planning.

Eitherway, It doesnt seem like an ideal situation and I am sorry you have to deal with it. I know what it is like to want to plan something with great friends but knowing that they are not the most dependable people in the world. It makes things like this especially hard.

Good Luck!

Hopefully she willl get her act together a little better and not cause you much more stress

 

[cellososweet]

i don't think you're wrong in being irritated about the dress at all. about the gifts though, well. . . you had to have known she was like this if you've known her for 3 years. i could understand if, like me, you had financially independent BM's/MOH and they didn't even do something that costs a few bucks/write a sentimental card to make you feel special. But, if you knew how she was, why did you ask her to be in your wedding?

 

[CJ2008]

LJ

It sucks that you have to go through this added stress...

The thing is, if she really is that flaky, she''s not going to turn it off for your wedding...she probably wouldn''t even know how to turn it off - this is how she lives her life. It doesn''t make it OK and I think it is totally normal for you to be irritated. It''s just that based on what you''ve said, I am not surprised. I hope it doesn''t sound as if I''m minimizing what you''re feeling - I just want to give you the perspective that you knew what kind of friend/person she is - she''s no different than she was before.

So if you want her to be in the wedding, you''re probably going to (unfortunately) pick up the slack for her/make sure whatever deadlines she needs to meet are met and that you follow up more than you normally would. Hopefully this whole experience won''t sour you to the friendship as a whole - but if it does, maybe it''s because you''re tired of her ways. Like other people on here always say, weddings bring a lot of things to the surface.

 

[TravelingGal]

So you knew she was like this before you asked her to be your BM, right? Why are you surprised? Flaky friends with no money don''t all of the sudden become responsible and wealthy just because they accept the "honor" of being a bridesmaid.

"MY" wedding seems to be something you think should matter. But just because it''s *your* wedding does not mean the rest of the world cares. Yes, in a perfect world, your friends will be totally excited and do everything in they can, but you picked a gimp bridesmaid from the gate.

Don''t get me wrong...I understand why you are irritated and sympathize with you. However you can''t expect gifts from people...they are not a GIVEN.

And people don''t deserve respect in my book...they earn it (not talking about treating people with basic decency or anything like that!). Personally, if I were you, for your own peace of mine I''d kindly tell her that it may be easier for both of you if she wasn''t in your wedding. Hopefully you don''t care of about stuff like matching numbers of BMs and GM, and can make it so you will enjoy your wedding without stress!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Okay...heres my opinion since I to had problems with one of my bridesmaid....

First of all, you asked your friend to be in your wedding...and she accepted. Which means, she knew that there was a certain ammount of finances required to pull it off, and agreed in spite of that to stand up for you. But, the flip side of the coin, is that you know your friend. She know she can''t hold job, you know she has no money, and the kicker is, you knew all of that up front...so the fact that you''re surprised is what is shocking to me. She''s your friend, she is who she is...flighty, irresponsible, forgetful...whatever, but you did knew all of that. You cannot expect her (or anyone else) to change because you have decided to get married. You can''t make her get a job because you want her to buy a dress. If she cannot afford gas in her car, or insurance...your bridesmaids dress is probably pretty low on her totem pole of importance.

I had a bridesmaid who didn''t have a ton of money. I knew this. Although, my bridesmaid was/is a very hardworker, she just didn''t "bring in" enough to allow for luxuries like being in someones wedding....so, I paid for her. Her involvement in my wedding ment enough to me that I came out of pocket so that she could be involved, and have fun doing so. This was a total win/win. She could still afford gas in car, and I had one of my closest friends stand up for me. But I was willing to make that commitment because she meant that much to me. If you adore your friend, and want her involved, then prehaps you could work our a fair and reasonable split pay system...you pay for the dress, she pays for the shoes, you pay for her nails, she pays for her hair. This could be totally private and between the two of you so that no one else feels bad and shes spared any embarrassment.

Also...why in the world would you think its her Mom''s responsibility to pay for her so that she can be in your wedding? Just because you know her Mom, doesn''t mean her Mom owes you anything. You''re making a huge assumption that she''d even be willing to pay. And if your friend is telling you "hey, I need her help with everyday expenses right now" you need to respect that and back off...because as a wise PSer once said "no one cares as much about your wedding as you do".

And as far as feeling bitter over gifts is concerned....its actually okay for bridesmaids to NOT gift to the bride because standing up in her wedding is thought to be gift enough. Once upon a time, it was common practice for gifts to be approximately the same ammount as per plate...but that certainly is not the norm or standard any longer. So, if you DO NOT get the gift you think you deserve, understand that if she does manage to come up with the funds required to be part of your wedding at all...you need to just be thankful, and consider her sacrafic gift enough.

 

[DMBsGirl]

First of all Hello date twin!!!

I understand why you are annoyed, but it seems like you knew these qualities about your friend and still decided to have her in your wedding party. While it is very irresponsible of her and quite the inconvenience for you, it seems to be ''typical'' behavior for this person. Try to relax, especially so soon before the wedding. Her dress is ordered and that is one less thing to stress over. As far as the gift situation, I would assume it''s safe to not expect anything from her as she has no job. In the future, just express to her that she really needs to be honest with you about details relating to the wedding.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 8/29/2008 9:21:09 PM
Author:ljsmith001
So, I only have about 4 months until my big day! I have been going over last details to ensure everything is ready for my wedding. I just recently took a new job and have been stressed with getting it together there, getting to know everyone and getting in the groove of working again. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 15 months. My FI and I have been together for over 3 years and cannot wait for our wedding day. I have had 3 of the best friends in the entire world ever since I was about 11. My 4th bridesmaid I met about 3 years ago and I love her to death. However, she is a ''free spirit'', very, very spacey and cannot hold a job to save her life. She has NO money and it doesn''t seem to bother her. She is a VERY attractive girl - only 24 - and depends on men to pay for her lifestyle - going out, clothes, food, etc, and they DO IT. Well, I told her time and time again to go in and GET MEASURED and order her dress. She kept putting it off, over and over. Finally I told her that if she didn''t take care of it immediately the dresses would be ordered without her and she would miss out. Finally, she called in her measurements and assured me things were okay. I believed her and didnt stress about it for weeks. One of my other friends (who ordered hers months ago_) wanted to be sure the dresses would arrive early in time for alterations. Well, YESTERDAY i recieved a call from the bridal salon saying that yes my lazy friend did call in her size however they made it CLEAR that she had to come in and pay the deposit. Well, of course she never did it, because she has NO money. She won''t ask her mom for money to help pay for it (i know her mom personally, and I know her mom would say yes - its MY wedding afterall) but she didnt do it because she claims she asks her mom for everything from car insurance money to gas money, etc, etc. SO, I get SOOOO irritated. I tell her this is MY wedding, not something you can just blow off. You can''t NOT order your dress and NOT tell me. She tells me it slipped her mind and she is so stressed out looking for a job, etc. So, I take it upon myself to call the bridal salon and pay the deposit (76 dollars). She says she will pay my back, although I never plan on seeing that money again. Am I wrong to be irritated? Am I wrong to be irritated that I will never see a shower gift, a bachelorette gift, and a wedding gift from her? Am I wrong to expect my friends at our age to be mature enough to hold a job and treat their friends who are getting married with the respect they deserve??! Had she told me she couldnt afford the deposit and been honest with me, I would have been more than happy to help out. However, pretending she ordered the dress and pretending nothing was wrong has REALLY REALLY irritated me!!!!!!!!


Thoughts Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I had the exact same thing happen to me, verbatim, with my best friend. My friend is the exact same way, flakey, no job, careless...etc. Same dress issue, and I too paid her deposit for her.
I am not going to harp on you for being angry....I was angry too! Yes, I knew what a flake she was. But at the same time , after not asking her for a thing in our 13 years of friendship, I guess I kind of hoped that she would be there for me and try to make the occasion special.
I''m not going to harp on you about the gift comments either, as I can relate. I felt sad when my friend did not send a gift, card, or even phone after we got married (we changed it to a DW and that gave her an easy out). I just feel like there are certain occasions in life where it is not so absurd to expect that those closest to you would give you a gift....and it is okay to feel like they don''t care if they don''t. I mean, I would have gotten HER a gift. It''s just common sense to me. You know what though, it''s not the GIFT that is really wanted, it''s the act of caring. I don''t get mad when people don''t buy me gifts for my birthday, or after moving into a new house, or after getting a raise....you know? So it''s not a selfish thing, and I get that.

You''re angry right now, and I don''t blame you. You just want your friend to be the type of friend that you are to her. Sometimes that just isn''t possible. Which is why I cut off my "friend".

Life is too short. I say stick with the three, and let the other one grow up.

 

[doodle]

i''m in a very similar situation right now with my best friend, so i think i may have a different reading on some of what you said than others have. for example, many commented on it being rude to expect someone to give you a gift, and i would agree. HOWEVER, perhaps i''m wrong, but i didn''t read your OP as you expecting it at all so much as, when your friend accepted the position of bridesmaid, it was understood that there were certain things she would need to do, and when you wind up paying for her part of the wedding expenses, it seems a little backwards. i mean, since when do you have to buy your friends?! would you buy your friend a pair of shoes to wear to your birthday party? probably not! knowing that you won''t so much as get a post-it stuck to the windshield of your car that says, "woohoo, old married lady!" makes it downright hurtful because you feel like you care enough about this person to make an effort to have them be a part of something significant to you, but they''re putting in zero effort in return.

i think everyone has a friend somewhere that, deep down, you know is a certain type of person, but because you care about that person and you''ve invested a lot in the friendship, you hope (many times in vain), that the person will care enough about you in return to treat you as you would treat them. perhaps your expectations of such a person are too high, but when you love someone, sometimes you justify their misdeeds even at your own expense. it''s a bitter pill to swallow, but sometimes you have to accept that the people you''d hope for the most out of are also the ones who may disappoint you the most.

 

[gtn]

Although I''m not going through what you are, I understand what you are feeling and I have to keep reminding myself, "don''t expect others to think and react the way I would" and "nobody cares as much about your wedding as you do" unless of course your
my mother and she cares more about it than I do. The best thing is to clear the air with your friend. You know how she is and you can''t change that so figure out how to deal with it.

I know the gift comment isn''t really about not getting a gift, it''s about feeling like she doesn''t care enough to give you anything at all.

It''s that feeling you get when you give someone a really nice thoughtful gift and in return, they re-gift your something, or they give you a $5 gift card to starbucks, or they give you nothing at all.

I hope you can learn to get past.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 8/30/2008 5:35:32 AM
Author: gtn
Although I''m not going through what you are, I understand what you are feeling and I have to keep reminding myself, ''don''t expect others to think and react the way I would'' and ''nobody cares as much about your wedding as you do'' unless of course your
my mother and she cares more about it than I do. The best thing is to clear the air with your friend. You know how she is and you can''t change that so figure out how to deal with it.

I know the gift comment isn''t really about not getting a gift, it''s about feeling like she doesn''t care enough to give you anything at all.

It''s that feeling you get when you give someone a really nice thoughtful gift and in return, they re-gift your something, or they give you a $5 gift card to starbucks, or they give you nothing at all.

I hope you can learn to get past.

I agree with this...

I know it''s against good manners, and that I am in the minority here (or perhaps I''m the ONLY one who feels this way) but I think it''s OK to expect a gift in certain situations. I expected gifts for my wedding (oh how horrible, right?). All throughout my life I''ve never not given a gift when invited to an occasion - wedding (whether I was a BM or not), christening, birthday party, etc. - and in some cases even when I didn''t attend. Same when going to dinner at somebody''s house - I would never show up empty-handed.

Although I realize that this breaks the very definition of gift: "something given voluntarily without payment in return" I must have been taught or learned at some point that gifts should be reciprocated when it''s the other person''s turn. So it feels totally natural for me to feel this way. And I have to say that I''ve seen many people, many friends, have similar views at one time or another about one person or another. So I think it''s a common perspective, right or wrong.

 

[Gwyn]

Date: 8/30/2008 12:02:08 PM
Author: claudinam

Date: 8/30/2008 5:35:32 AM
Author: gtn
Although I''m not going through what you are, I understand what you are feeling and I have to keep reminding myself, ''don''t expect others to think and react the way I would'' and ''nobody cares as much about your wedding as you do'' unless of course your
my mother and she cares more about it than I do. The best thing is to clear the air with your friend. You know how she is and you can''t change that so figure out how to deal with it.

I know the gift comment isn''t really about not getting a gift, it''s about feeling like she doesn''t care enough to give you anything at all.

It''s that feeling you get when you give someone a really nice thoughtful gift and in return, they re-gift your something, or they give you a $5 gift card to starbucks, or they give you nothing at all.

I hope you can learn to get past.

I agree with this...

I know it''s against good manners, and that I am in the minority here (or perhaps I''m the ONLY one who feels this way) but I think it''s OK to expect a gift in certain situations. I expected gifts for my wedding (oh how horrible, right?). All throughout my life I''ve never not given a gift when invited to an occasion - wedding (whether I was a BM or not), christening, birthday party, etc. - and in some cases even when I didn''t attend. Same when going to dinner at somebody''s house - I would never show up empty-handed.

Although I realize that this breaks the very definition of gift: ''something given voluntarily without payment in return'' I must have been taught or learned at some point that gifts should be reciprocated when it''s the other person''s turn. So it feels totally natural for me to feel this way. And I have to say that I''ve seen many people, many friends, have similar views at one time or another about one person or another. So I think it''s a common perspective, right or wrong.

I can kind of see where you are coming from (though I am one of those who doesnt expect a gift, especially since my wedding requires travel from so many people). But I think that alot of people who feel it is the norm to give and receive a gift at a wedding feel that it is a little different for people who are actually in the wedding (since these people have usually already speant so much money on you and your marriage to begin with). Additionally, not being able to buy someone off someones registry does not mean that you cannot still give them a "gift" of sorts. One of my sisters friends is a very creative person and made my sister a very beautiful kind of picture book which she illustrated and wrote in nice caligraphy. Some people (many in my family do not have alot of wealth) just gave a nice card with a heartfelt message.

Also, she isnt complaining about just a wedding gift. There was a shower gift, a bachelorette gift, and a wedding gift. To me it seems like her comment did involve getting a gift, multiple in fact.

I agree I would be a little disspointed if one of my good friends did not give or do something for me when I was getting married. But it seems like this one is trying (she did agree to be in the wedding and I think that shows alot). The issue, to me is that she totally messed it up by being completely dishonest and unreliable. Hopefully she will do something to redeem herself but remember that not everything has a monitery pricetag. Since you know she doesnt have money and, though she may borrow from people for other aspects of her life she should not be expected to borrow for your wedding, maybe allow her to show her excitement for you in another way. Like alot of shopping triips to look at dresses or flowers or venues. Helping your with cards, making favors, OOT baskets and things like that.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 8/29/2008 10:45:53 PM
Author: TravelingGal
but you picked a gimp bridesmaid from the gate.

T-Gal does it again. Laughing hard at that.

About the post. I really want to be sympathetic to this post. My MOH was a bit of a laggard about ordering her dress and it caused me some stress, so I DO sympathize there. But on the other hand, there is a reason I picked only one attendant, because she''s the only one I ABSOLUTELY knew would be there for me, come hell or high water. And I made sure to discuss finances with her before we finalized anything. you did know she was a flake before you asked, and you did know she was financially pressured. I don''t think its reasonable to expect her mom to pay for her dress, or to even be upset about that, or the presents. Sorry.

 

[violet02]

Date: 8/30/2008 9:41:12 PM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 8/29/2008 10:45:53 PM
Author: TravelingGal
but you picked a gimp bridesmaid from the gate.

T-Gal does it again. Laughing hard at that.

About the post. I really want to be sympathetic to this post. My MOH was a bit of a laggard about ordering her dress and it caused me some stress, so I DO sympathize there. But on the other hand, there is a reason I picked only one attendant, because she''s the only one I ABSOLUTELY knew would be there for me, come hell or high water. And I made sure to discuss finances with her before we finalized anything. you did know she was a flake before you asked, and you did know she was financially pressured. I don''t think its reasonable to expect her mom to pay for her dress, or to even be upset about that, or the presents. Sorry.

I sympathize about problematic bridesmaids... absolutely. And I too have problems with one of mine but in comparison she''s not a flakey person in her regular life or someone who would bail on me or not order her dress, she just makes a lot of other things difficult... And we also discussed finances ahead of time. I personally would not have asked someone to be a BM knowing they had so many issues in advance. That doesn''t save me from things that happen after the fact but at least I went into it trying to be in a good situation.

On the other hand though I find it really troubling that some people agree to be in weddings and then get upset when there are expectations. I can understand if you''ve never been in a wedding before (that''s where the bride should be having the preliminary conversation..), but there are definitely responsibilities and people are depending on you. I would not have her be a BM if I were you honestly. That will probably save the both of you a lot of trouble. It''s not worth the stress to deal with this trust me.

And I agree with gtn and claudinam re: the gift issue... I know everyone says you shouldn''t expect a gift at your wedding people aren''t obligated and sure no one is being made to do it but I have never gone to a wedding and not given someone a gift. I''ve even gifted to weddings I couldn''t make it to as well. My friends and I don''t all exchange xmas or birthday gifts, or even my family but there are some occasions where it just seems appropriate to do so and awkward if you don''t. I think it''s tricky though to expect gifts from the bridal party... I mean it''s a nice to have but I know certain people have done a lot of work for us and paid out money and I''m not sure how the gift situation should work there other than their help is gift enough. Honestly I at least expect a nice note, card or letter or even an email if someone can''t make it to the wedding.... and if they come and can''t afford much then a card would be great. It''s the thought that counts.

 

[ljsmith001]

Okay - I''ve been meaning to reply to this but haven''t gotten arond to it for a while. I can''t recally exactly everything everyone said but I''m going to try!!

First, I didnt mean for it to sound like i EXPECTED gifts from my bridesmaid BUT jeez it would be nice. I have been in about 6 weddings and have given each bride multiple shower gifts, a bachelorette gift and a wedding gift. Obviously, it isn''t the most important thing that I was venting about, just adds to the frustration! It bothers me that if it were HER wedding I would act completely different.

To answer a lot of people YES i did know she was like this before I asked her to be in my wedding. And for all the people asking me why i still decided to.. I can''t imagine her NOT being in the wedding. She has been my closest friend for the past three years. What really bothers me the most I guess is that she just doesn''t DO anything. Why isn''t she working? Why isn''t she in school? Really, there was alot more to my vent/post than what you read I guess. I''m just so frustrated by her and her not ordering her dress and not having money to pay the deposit just fueled the fire. I don''t really have the money to pay for her dress myself, but I will. If there was a reason she couldnt afford it I would be way more inclined to pay for it and not care, but the only reason is because she won''t pick up a job.

As for me referecing her mother helping out with the deposit of the dress. I wasn''t suggesting her mother would be obligated to by any means. I just know SHE WOULD. Those of you who said it isnt the mothers responsability are completely right, but its not really mine either. I would never dream of kicking her out of the wedding, I just really want her to get her butt in gear. I know when I was younger and in college my mom helped me out with 2 bridesmaid dresses because she knew friends weddings were VERY important.. and my friends mom will be invited to the wedding anyway.

Hmm.. what else!? Basically.. i wasn''t suggesting I WANTED gifts, they are just nice when you get married.

I guess I come from a society that when you throw a shower and when you have a wedding, a gift is the norm. I will not be upset when she shows up with nothing, because I know that will happen. Her friendship is what is important to me, but I do have the right to get SUPPPPPPPPER frustrated! I''ll get over it. Maybe she will pay me back one day, I''m pinching pennies to pay for this expensive wedding!

 

[bee*]

I sympathise with you as when she accepted the position of bridesmaid she obviously knew all that was entailed with it. I know that you can''t imagine your wedding without her in it but if you knew she was that flaky and has no job, then part of the responsibility has to lie with you also. Yes she should have gone to you and said that she didn''t have the money to put down the deposit, but I think that''s for you and her to work out, her mother shouldn''t have to pay for things towards your wedding, even if she gladly would. As for the gifts, I think that we all see differently on that issue-I wouldn''t expect my bridesmaids to have to buy gifts when they pay for their outfits etc for the wedding, in fact in Ireland, we pay for everything for the bridesmaids and buy them gifts so it seems to work the opposite way round. There does seem to be bigger issues at play here in that you are frustrated with a lot more than just her not paying the deposit for the dress. I hope that things work out, but as others have said, just remember that no one will care about your wedding as much as you, so you can''t really expect people to change for it.