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Maid of Honor''s having a LEGAL marriage...

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alli_esq

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Okay, I didn''t know where to post this, but I figure there''s a lot of foot-traffic here, so I''ll post it here
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Sooo, I just got married in November, and my maid of honor was wonderful, especially since she was long-distance (I''m in NY, she''s in DC). I didn''t ask anything of her except to be there (I had other, closeby friends who were more involved in the planning, since a couple of them had recently gotten married), but she was very supportive and fun and came for my shower and planned an AWEsome bachelorette party with my other friends.

Now, her boyfriend is from Spain, and due to school/work issues, he needs some green card help. They had been talking about getting married, but due to $$ constraints and various other details, they hadn''t officially gotten engaged yet...but now, they decided a few weeks ago that they are getting married NEXT WEEK! It will be a city hall marriage, and it won''t be a social marriage yet (i.e. they''re not telling most people, and they''re not even going to live together until their apartment leases run out in a month or two). The plan is that her BF will officially "propose" to her in the next 6 months or so, and they will have a real celebration (or actually, several celebrations--they have lots of family in several different countries) in 2011 at some point TBD.

Now, money is very very tight for me, and this came as a surprise to everyone (including to the couple!)...so I haven''t had time to put anything aside for her. I have offered to come to her ceremony next week, and she has told me that it''s really no big deal for me to be there (it will be on a Thursday morning, and she is studying for the bar exam right now, so she is actually going to bar class later that day!), and that she''d rather me come visit just for fun another time (even though I told her I could come now AND later if she wanted)...

I want at least to send her something....but what on earth is appropriate? I know there are lots of etiquette and generosity experts here...what do you think is appropriate to send, especially if I''m not able to come visit? I know that the only thing either of them really NEEDS right now is cash (which is what she gave me for my wedding gift), but what kind of thing is that to send at this point? I would certainly give them a cash gift when I attend their "celebration" next year...but I''m not sure about what to do now...

Any ideas? I''m at a loss!
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How about a gift card somewhere along with a bouquet of flowers congratulating them and a card?
 
I am by no means an etiquette expert, but I think it would be nice to send her a flower bouquet like the one she would carry if it were a wedding. I think that money would be nice, but not sentimental. She probably will not have anything from the day she actually married and it might be something she would like to remember. Maybe a bouquet sent to her and a vail or something. Just to make the day special even though it isn't a ceremony.
 
DH and I had a court wedding with a big celebration later for a lot of different reasons. We only told our close friends and my parents about the court wedding. When we got home, my parents had sent us a lovely bouquet of flowers in this beautiful vase. The card said something like "Just because we love you. Mum and Dad" It was really sweet and everytime I look at that vase, I smile because it is the only keepsake we have of that day. There weren''t any pictures or witnesses or anything.

Every year on our anniversary, we put flowers in the vase and think about how special that moment was when we came home as husband and wife and were acknowledged as such by the gift from my parents.
 
I second the gift card thing. Maybe one that could be used anywhere like a Visa or Amex giftcard? That way they could use it for practical stuff if they need to. That along with some flowers or maybe a nice bottle of wine or box of chocolates?
 
Maybe a gift certificate to a nice restaurant for their first romantic dinner as husband and wife? I don''t know how this would factor into your budget, though.

Also, I know you didn''t ask this, and since your friend is also a lawyer (almost) she''s hopefully thought of it, but they might want to reconsider living apart for the first couple months of their marriage. It would be a shame if the marriage looked suspicious to the powers that be, since they really are serious about their relationship. Anyway, enough of my unsolicited $0.02, and best of luck to your friend!
 
I think a nice vase with flowers would be special.

Cello, that is such a sweet story!
 
I love the idea of sending a lovely vase and flowers...love it. Maybe send her a beautiful handkerchief...
 
I like the idea of flowers, but I am concerned about sending something that they will both really appreciate, and I'm not sure they would (especially him, y'know?)...

I was hoping only to spend around $50 and that's not enough for a gift certificate, IMO...I will DEFinitely give them a much bigger gift at their actual celebration wedding...I just wanted to send a token. I also thought about sending champagne and flutes...but that seems to be above my budget too
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There is one cute photo of the two of them from our wedding, and I was considering maybe doing something like this for them? Photo Canvas?

ETA: Cello--that IS so sweet...I'd love to give them something like that, but again, I'm not sure he'd really appreciate that...and honestly, looking at the vase arrangements, they are all so expensive, and honestly, I can't express how broke I am right now
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I wish I had more time to plan to save for her!
 
Date: 1/6/2010 11:52:18 AM
Author: Octavia
Also, I know you didn''t ask this, and since your friend is also a lawyer (almost) she''s hopefully thought of it, but they might want to reconsider living apart for the first couple months of their marriage. It would be a shame if the marriage looked suspicious to the powers that be, since they really are serious about their relationship. Anyway, enough of my unsolicited $0.02, and best of luck to your friend!

This is what I was thinking too. They might want to reconsider-these days they are getting pretty tight on greencard/marriage stuff and no one would want your friend''s marriage to be mistaken for a sham and her husband deported!

Anyway, I third the idea of some kind of beautiful keepsake for the day like a gorgeous vase or something they can remember the day by and a bunch of flowers.

Since she''s not really getting married in her mind (and not telling people, etc.) I think it might be odd to send cash at this point.
 
Date: 1/6/2010 11:52:18 AM
Author: Octavia
Maybe a gift certificate to a nice restaurant for their first romantic dinner as husband and wife? I don''t know how this would factor into your budget, though.

I love the idea of a certificate for (or towards) a romantic dinner. We got one as a wedding gift and it was great to be able to treat ourselves even when we were trying to save money.
 
Thanks for all your responses! And for those concerned about them not living together--thank you for the concern!
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They are going to apply for the green card when they move in together in a couple of months, so no worries!

As far as a gift certificate for dinner, I like that idea too--but $50 isn''t really enough for a nice dinner, and plus, I am not familiar with DC or where they would like to go, so it makes it tricky for me
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Thanks again--keep the ideas coming!
 
How about a bottle of champagne - or a bottle & two inexpensive flutes? Do you know anyone local to them that could be your co-conspirator & drop the gift off in a basket or something on their doorstep day of? Some local liquor stores might do the champagne delivery pretty cheaply (but no flutes).

I think something that says "celebration" is the way to go. The flowers/vase idea is nice too - but may be outside the price range.

Another weird idea -- you could hire some local improv actors (Georgetown has a great program) & have them show up at the courthouse & throw confetti or rice or something as they exit. Take out an ad on Craigslist? Give them pictures to ID them. Students would do it for a bit of cash just as a hoot. One to throw, one to take pictures? That could be really memorable & creative!


ETA: Here's where I got the improv actors idea ... can't take credit for the concept!
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Here''s my suggestion... you could send her something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.. but just fun silly little tokens where she could incorporate her "something new" as her "something old" when she has her offical wedding, and promise to give you back the "something borrowed" when you see her again.
 
deco--I definitely wanted to do the champagne and flutes thing, but unfortunately, it seems like that''s outside my price range to do a basket (and for some reason, all the places that I''ve found that sell flutes don''t also sell champagne, and vice versa)...and OMG I LOOOVE that improv idea! Did you hear about that on This American Life? I think this was the same group--or at least a very similar one who did that "Best Gig Ever" for those musicians? I love the idea, but I think it might be a little too complicated. Thank you for the great ideas though!!!

and Sizzle--I also reeally love that something old, new, borrowed, new idea...I''m going to try and brainstorm about that...what a sweet idea!
 
Date: 1/6/2010 11:09:10 AM
Author: Smurfyimproved
How about a gift card somewhere along with a bouquet of flowers congratulating them and a card?
I agree! I think a gift card to a nice restaurant would be good
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Could you buy, or make, them a beautiful small cake for them to use as a wedding cake?

ETA: And I don't think $50 is too small for a store gift card, especially if what they need right now is money - so I'd definitely consider getting them it to a store they use regularly.
 
oh oh oh--I like the cake idea too!!!

What do you think about sending them a little Godiva cake? I''ve never had their baked goods...has anyone here? For people who love chocolate, could it be that bad??
 
I went through the same thing a year ago, and I completely understand your friend when she says she doesn't want to make a big deal out of it.

My dear sister though, surprised me with a gorgeous bouquet that morning, and that was just the right amount of touch needed to make me feel like a bride without going over the top. FI couldn't thank her enough, even the bouquet wasn't for him.
Personally, I don't think gift certs or any other kind of gifts necessary. If you aren't going to the civil ceremony, then a nice card of congrats would made their day.

If your friend is like me, she does not want to make a big fuss because in her mind the "real" wedding is going to be when they do the whole ceremony and reception thing with all of their family and friends. If everyone congratulated them now she will probably think that it will minimize the celebration later on.
I know, I know, everyone will celebrate just as much for their wedding, but she doesn't know that yet.

ETA, the cake is a GREAT idea!

On a side note, is she going to have anyone close to her? A friend or a family as a witness? It will be a good idea for someone to take pictures for the Green Card Interview.
 
One of my best friends and by bro and SIL got married in similar ways. I helped my friend with her hair and makeup as I would if she had a "real" wedding. I picked up little things for her that I thought she could still use so she had a few keepsakes, too. We didn''t really do anything for my bro and SIL as they weren''t accepting gifts.

Maybe you could find a "something blue" for your friend and send it to her.
 
I was going to suggest getting her a silver sixpence (ebay sell them) and an antique lace hankie (again ebay have loads) that she can use for both weddings.

I don''t know that you need to do a ''couple'' gift at this point if you intend to do that later - a little something for your friend is different and just shows that you are thinking about her.
 
I like the keepsake idea. Perhaps the handkerchief and have it monogrammed with their initials and the date of the city hall ceremony? Just a little something to remember the date by.
 
Date: 1/6/2010 2:20:18 PM
Author: alli_esq
oh oh oh--I like the cake idea too!!!


What do you think about sending them a little Godiva cake? I''ve never had their baked goods...has anyone here? For people who love chocolate, could it be that bad??


I doubt anything with the words "Godiva" and "cake" in its name can be THAT bad
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Thank you for the wonderful ideas! I bought a handkerchief with her initial, a blue garter and a silver sixpence...now cross your fingers that I get them in time so that I can pack them up and ship them quickly to her in DC before next Thursday!!!

Thank you again--I would never have thought of those things without your help!
 
since they are in a relationship I''m not sure they''ll be able to NOT feel married right now - they really should consider that and honor it at least a little bit because when they look back they''re going to look at this day more than the celebratory day as the day their marriage began - even if they don''t think they will.
 
what about something like a silver cake slicer/server and a silly cake from a local grocery store - they can reuse the server when they have their formal to-do.

Tell her to take some pictures though - I don''t thinks he realizes what happens when you legalize it and are in love - there''s no turning back!
 
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