Love question .....

[Bliss]

Starsapphire, I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through. But the only person you would be hurting from this exchange is yourself. I was relieved to see that you've decided to cut ties with this shady character. Sup-A Granny wants to kick his butt! He's awful on so many levels, expressing a desire to cheat on the mother of his 5 year old daughter... emotionally, he's already cheating on her. It's good that you are staying away from this train wreck!

It's funny that he writes how 16 years ago, he was going nowhere fast. Looks like he's still going nowhere fast. Don't let him drag you down to his slimy level. Ugh. Sup-A Granny wants to punch him in the butt, but she doesn't want her white lady gloves to get soiled by his slug slime.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Bliss...

SS, there''s not much that I can say that has not already been said. But I would not find it acceptable for my husband or myself to be communicating with an old boyfriend or girlfriend. I''d say a quick farewell and delete him from your FB. He''s not the kind of guy I''d be interested in if I were single!

 

[phoenixgirl]

Yikes, I would not respond to that last email. Any kind of response -- even the "Just so you know, I'm not responding anymore" kind -- will elicit another response from him. And then he'll say, oh, you know I didn't mean it, wink wink, ha ha, and you'll say even so, etc., etc., and he'll say . . . You see what I mean, right? Don't hit the ball back; keep it in your court.

As you know all too well, affairs don't usually just materialize out of nothing. They start out casually, innocently, then become more intimate in the name of being "friends." The best way to avoid them is to stop them before they become emotionally intimate. A man telling you he has imagined having sex with you in a joking manner is definitely intimate.

You seemed to want confirmation that he really liked you before and was perhaps looking for something now. I know it can be flattering to feel that you still have a chance with "the one who got away." So, now you know . . . nothing left to do now but let it lay where Jesus flung it, or whatever the funny expression was!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 5/23/2009 8:12:40 PM
Author: icekid

Date: 5/23/2009 2:02:58 PM

Author: trillionaire

Date: 5/23/2009 12:33:25 PM


Author: MonkeyPie


This thread kind of made me laugh. Why is everyone screaming for her not to see this guy? Has he ONCE ever made it clear that he wants her back? Has he said his relationship is on the rocks? That he has always loved her? If yes to any of these, then don't go. But if he hasn't, what's the big deal? Not EVERYONE has a secret agenda guys, and that may sound naive, but I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt before freaking out.

'



According to men that I have talked to, men do not talk to women for no apparent reason. They talk with intention. A guy doesn't come and randomly sit next to you and strike up conversation. They want something (sex, relationship, a shot at one of the two), and they talk to you to figure out if they can get one of those things and how hard they have to work to get it.

trill- Do you think this is really true?? If so, do you believe that men and women can never be platonic friends? All of my best friends are guys and I have a hard time believing that ALL of them want something from me.


starsapph- I am so sorry to hear about everything your marriage has endured lately. It must be incredibly difficult to move on from something like that. I can certainly understand even more in that context why this guy's attention would be flattering. But really, his latest response says it ALL. I agree it's time to cut communication with him.

My personal philosophy is that friends that you make after college are likely befriending you because they are attracted to you. Just because the opportunity never presented itself for more to develop does not mean that one person or the other wouldn't have liked that to happen. I have guy friends too, and they all were interested in me at some point or other if I am being honest. They wouldn't necessarily date me now, because they see me more as a sister, but nevertheless, the platonic thing doesn't usually work out well once you are in your 20's because the time that you invest in a good and true friendship is very similar to the energy that it takes to cultivate a relationship. It is pretty illogical and inefficient to invest that energy in a friendship and not get more out of it if you are also interested in being in a committed relationship.

But that's just my perspective. Neither my SO nor I put energy into cultivating close ties to new friends or acquaintances of the opposite sex. We both have plenty of friends that we have known and trusted for years, and new people that we meet of the opposite sex just stay pretty casual. That way, their intentions, innocent or not, are irrelevant and neither party is ever made to feel uncomfortable... which is really the most important part anyway.


ETA: FWIW, every guy I have dated started as just my friend.

So maybe I am the common denominator in the equation, lol... I hate aggressive and forward guys, they are only fun to flirt with, but not for me to date, so that probably plays into my philosophy.... I like to casually get to know people, then decide to date if i feel we are compatible.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 5/23/2009 7:47:04 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier

Date: 5/23/2009 12:33:25 PM

Author: MonkeyPie

This thread kind of made me laugh. Why is everyone screaming for her not to see this guy? Has he ONCE ever made it clear that he wants her back? Has he said his relationship is on the rocks? That he has always loved her? If yes to any of these, then don''t go. But if he hasn''t, what''s the big deal? Not EVERYONE has a secret agenda guys, and that may sound naive, but I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt before freaking out.

If she''s ok with telling her husband everything and telling him she plans on meeting the ''ex'' for lunch, fine.


If she''s planning on deceiving her husband and meeting with him behind his back, me thinks there may be something more to it and I don''t think it''s a good idea, at all.

Must agree with LaurenThePartier. Honesty is the best policy. Also, if you don''t mind showing your husband the emails (which seem inappropriate from his part, not from yours) and if you feel like there''s nothing to hide, then there''s nothing to hide. I think the best check is that if it makes feel guilty thinking about it, then its probably best not to do it.

My mom actually had something similar happen to her. She was 16 and he was 17, and his parents told him that he had to stop having a relationship and focus on school. So he did. Then, she married at 25, and just a few months after he came around asking for her. Then a couple years later he tried to call her, even after I was born, and said that he would still like to marry her and would raise me as well. She didn''t go. I think she is perfectly content with her decision. That is another story and of course not your life.

And I am sorry for your troubles with DH. I think it is truly impressive, commendable, and a sign of your unconditional love for him that you two have gotten over it to save your marriage. And I know it must have hurt like hell...but I think it hurts like hell to be on the other end of it too. It hurts when someone you love does you wrong, but it hurts to hurt someone you love as well. Thank goodness you can go to bed with a clear conscience!

 

[loriken214]

Date: 5/23/2009 9:51:36 AM
Author: starsapphire
WOW, I am so glad I posted here. It makes me kinda sad to take such a hard look at my situation. All of you have been so helpfull. I guess I was too quick to give this guy a pass for what he did so many years ago. I am 41 and he is 42. Our ''thing'' was back around 1993 or so. It is kinda like re-living the past. Maybe the past wasn''t so good. I have a good husband. He loves me and adores me. I am not going to mess with this. I know the dangers. I am heeding your advice and counsel and I will cut off contact. I will not be his victim again. And I will not help him create new ones in his GF and daughter!

WAY TO GO starsapphire!!! LET IT GO....TRUST ME....YOU DON''T WANT TO GO THERE......

Lori

 

[starsapphire]

You know, this whole thing has kinda made me mad at him all over again. Coming back into my life, making me think about him again and all the stuff we did back then, and then finding out that I, and my feelings for him, was thrown away like a piece of trash. And now he is "thinking" of me again??? This just burns me up!

 

[butterfly 17]

HI, I am really sorry about what happened with you and your husband. I hope that your relationship is on much better grounds now. You are so brave to let us know what happened in the past.

I think Italiahaircolor really nailed it on the head, two wrongs don''t make a right.

I read over what he responded to you and I think that he is subtly trying to tell you he would be interested in having an affair. When he writes that he has thought about having sex with you but doesn''t want to be in a relationship again if he leaves his gf, it''s kind of like putting it out there in the open and saying hey, lets have a no strings attached affair.

"Lets have sex but don''t expect it to be more than that because I won''t leave my GF and if I do, it won''t be for you, it will be for me, so I can play the field."

For what it''s worth, I am also on FB and have been contacted by three of my former ex''s. All three of them have told me they would love to see me, gave me their cell phone numbers and asked if I would contact them.

I sent them a reply, nope, I don''t think so. One went so far as to describe every single girl he went out with after me and even asked me if I could pick out from his FB friends list which girl he cheated with while he was with another girl. One word, LOSER!!

My marriage is far from perfect and there are always what if''s, but I have always told myself, if I ever ever fall in love with another man, I will let my husband know and leave him first. I won''t do anything behind his back. He deserves as much respect as I expect him to give me.

 

[butterfly 17]

Date: 5/23/2009 2:30:35 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Oh SS, I am sorry to hear what happened...

It makes a lot of things more clear...but it doesn''t change any advice I''ve offered in long run though.

You probably feel like--hey, if he did it then why can''t I? You''re probably still hurt, and like you said, you probably harbor a lot of resentment over what he did. But the thing is, two wrongs never make a right. You''d be cheating just for the shear fact that you''d be evening a score. But in the end, it would only make you as guilty as he is...it wouldn''t make you feel any better. You''d be getting down to a level that so below you.

If you''re not happy in your marriage...if you feel like you''ll never get over his betrayal, then you''d be better off doing the right thing. Leave him with your head held high, so you''ll never look back with regret. Don''t have a silly fling with an ex-boyfriend to make yourself feel better. But, if you want to stay married...then you need to find away to reconcile yourself with what happened, so you can move on and be really happy. Either way, leaving yourself emotionally vulnerable isn''t good for you.

((big hugs))

I ditto this post +7, I reread it about 3 times already, great advice Italiahaircolor!

 

[D&T]

Date: 5/22/2009 10:10:05 PM
Author: starsapphire
I dunno, I guess I wanted you all to slap some sense into me!!! I feel so stupid, and gullible. My marriage is not perfect BTW. Far from it, maybe I guess I am flattered by this attention or something.

lol...

wanted to use my first ever emoticon... hope it works... but don''t do it! It is flattering but don''t risk losing your family and causing more drama for yourself

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 5/25/2009 12:09:54 PM
Author: starsapphire
You know, this whole thing has kinda made me mad at him all over again. Coming back into my life, making me think about him again and all the stuff we did back then, and then finding out that I, and my feelings for him, was thrown away like a piece of trash. And now he is ''thinking'' of me again??? This just burns me up!

Which is why you should have nipped it in the bud when everyone told you to. Did you think there would a more romantic explanation that would open the door to more fantasies?

Do yourself a favor and stop thinking about this, and focus on your marriage. You''ve been through a lot it seems and if you are going to continue to have a marriage, it could probably use the energy you''ve misdirected to this loser.

 

[mrscushion]

Either you do a double date with the husband / wife, or nothing at all. Don''t even go there.

 

[Kelli]

YUCK! This guy sounds like a total creep.

I would de-friend him for what he did to you all those years ago. And I''d be even MORE insulted at his behavior now. Maybe he''s tired of taking advantage of his current girlfriend, and trying to see who else he can screw over.

I''m sorry to hear about your husband''s indiscretion.

I hope that you are willing to stand up for yourself. I totally get liking the attention. I would feel the same way after dealing with what you have, but it''s probably a better idea to work on your marriage first, or at least decide whether or not you want to save it for sure.