It sounds like you are not completely happy in your marriage to me and I wonder if you are wanting to sabatoge your relationship with your husband. I really wouldn''t continue contact with this old flame. I always think relationships come to an end for a reason and it usually ends up backfiring if you want to rekindle out of curiosity or discontentment with your present life.
Date: 5/23/2009 9:00:57 AM
Author: whitby_2773
hi starsapphire
i suspect, from the tone of your posts, that you''ve already made your decision, even if only subconsciously. you''re emailing him and talking about getting together for lunch, so you''ve already chosen to extend contact. you''re wondering ''what if'' and are talking in terms of still carrying a torch for each other, so you''ve already placed this newly revitalized relationship onto a romantic footing. what you *haven''t* chosen to do is ask him where he went all those years ago, thereby letting him off the hook for his previously slimy behavior. i''m guessing if you haven''t asked him yet, but are still talking in terms of carrying a torch for him, then you''re going to find a way in your head past his previous behavior and that you''ll probably continue to allow him to be unaccountable. you''re looking at him through romantic eyes. he''s looking at you through...well, what IS he looking at you through?
my guess is he found someone else all those years ago. that''s the most common reason men leave women. school was finished, he had greater mobility and so on, and probably found someone he liked more than you. he perhaps found the benefits of being a young guy having no commitments to any one person and simply bolted. or perhaps he might have been overwhelmed with his feelings for you and found it too much too soon and simply couldn''t cope? who knows? the point is that either way - he didn''t see the necessity to tell you he was leaving or why. he didn''t think you needed the respect of closure or an honest conversation. in fact - he didn''t think you deserved anything - and nothing is exactly what you got.
fast forward to now....
he obviously feels his current partner doesn''t deserve much either. she doesn''t deserve honesty or a wedding ring. his baby doesn''t deserve for its parents to be married. SS, it sounds like this guy has all kinds of issues re commitment and honesty. and how old are you both? has he hit his 30''s and is now trying to regain lost youth? is he feeling old and like time is slipping by - has he just decided to go back to his ''glory days''...using you? girl, don''t be a sucker...
if he didnt think you deserved anything back then, and if he doesn''t think the current woman - who has invested over 5 years of her life in him - deserves anything now, you can bet your bottom dollar that if the two of you get together he''s not going to think you deserve anything this time either. rather than wondering about his intentions, you''d be better off asking yourself what you owe - to your husband, to this man''s partner and child, and to your own self respect. if you think you owe nothing, then plummet down this path. but if you think you should be more accountable than that, you might wanna tell Mr Smooth to take a hike, to go work out his current relationship, and you might like to get yourself to a marriage counsellor or to a therapist to get some perspective on what made you vulnerable to such a second rate offer as this guy.
nothing is inevitable, and you can still halt this runaway train. marriages fail all the time, and if yours does - ok. sad, but ok. but don''t force it to fail by introducing someone you''ve convinced yourself is the ''Bigger, Better Deal'' - especially when he turns out to be a well wrapped box with nothing actually inside. this guy sounds like all packaging - but no substance.
marriage is a tough gig and i don''t believe ANYONE goes all the distance without wondering at some stage whether they wouldn''t be better off getting out and calling it a day - so don''t beat yourself up for not having the perfect marriage. but i would also encourage you not to let this guy tear down what you''ve taken years to build with your husband. rather, see what you can do to build your existing house stronger and to repair any cracks your marriage might have.
good luck, SS! marriage is a long journey with many periods of both good and not so good. hang in there and find what can be done to give your marriage its second wind.
''
I''m usually all for reconnecting with long lost friends. But that''s not really what this topic is about. I feel like SS was asking something more along the lines of "should I start down a slippery slope"....not whether she should have a friendly lunch with an old highschool classmate.
Oh SS, I am sorry to hear what happened...
Wise words! Listen to Kaleigh - don''t go there unless you''re looking for big troubleDate: 5/22/2009 9:46:49 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Methinks, the writing is on the wall from what he said to you. I wouldn''t respond. But that''s just me.I could never deal with a guy that sought me out from the past... The past is the past, unless I was looking to reconnect. I have to ask, are you wanting to have contact?? If you do, it''s going to be a very slippery slope. Not one I would go down period.
So I asked him what happened: ****, could you please tell me what happend 16 years ago that made you virtually vanish into thin air, with me not seeing or hearing from you since then? And what do you want going forward? Sorry to be blunt, but I need to know.
I don''t know if that made me feel worse, or better.
Date: 5/23/2009 7:03:01 PM
Author: starsapphire
And frankly I don''t know what kind of words to use to respond to that either.
Date: 5/23/2009 7:00:46 PM
Author: starsapphire
So I asked him what happened: ****, could you please tell me what happend 16 years ago that made you virtually vanish into thin air, with me not seeing or hearing from you since then? And what do you want going forward? Sorry to be blunt, but I need to know.
I have thought of you over the years, and stuff, and it seems that maybe you have of me as well.
His answer came today: No she has no clue we are speaking, old friends or not, it would create headaches at home I don''t need.
Back then I was doing nothing and going nowhere fast, I cut all my ties from * and moved on and tried to change for the better. Unfortunatly you were also a victim of that change, thats why when I saw you on a friends contact list I sent you the message I did.
As far as what I want going forward ???
It would be very difficult for me to ever start thinking about starting over with some else again(anyone), esp with my daughter involved. IF * and I ever seperated , I would probably stay single and enjoy life.
I''m not trying to say that I''m not interested in you, or I would never have contacted you. Even if just to mend an old fence...
And YES I have thought about you from time to time,
But probably in a different way than you thought about me-
(insert huge mischievous grin here)-LOL
I often wondered what having sex with you would have been like.
I know, men, one track minds-LOL
Sorry if thats too blunt,
but it''s true and you did ask.....(wink)
Have a great holiday weekend, talk or type to ya soon,
****
I don''t know if that made me feel worse, or better.
And I feel EVEN MORE that way now that I''ve read his response to you. He just sounds skeevy!Date: 5/22/2009 11:51:06 PM
Author: Irishgrrrl
Star, you know, you have a great opportunity here! HE was the one who initiated contact recently, yet HE was also the one who unilaterally cut off contact back in the day when you guys were dating. Sooooo, here''s what you do: block his e-mail address and un-friend him on Facebook. No explanation, no discussion ~ just do it!
300x240.png)
