Love question .....

[starsapphire]

Hi, I am on Facebook, and one day about 2 weeks ago, I got an email. It was from a guy that was my neighbor and also went to school with me from 1st grade to high school. We dated briefly after high school. I was really smitten with him and I thought he was with me. We never got "intimately involved" or anything but we were headed down that path eventually. WELL, one day, he just vanished. No phone call, nothing. I went by his house, he was never there. That was 16 years ago.

He says he regrets what happened and he apologized. I have been talking with him through emails, but we have never gotten to the REASON that we never saw each other again. I am married now, and he is living with his GF whom he has 5 yo daughter with. He said that over the years he had thought about me and that he really regrets what happend and he was glad to have the opportunity to apologize to me. We have been emaling back and forth and I am going to try to find out what happened. I am not mad at him, I actuallly had thought about him over all these years and wondered what happend and how he was and things. Seems like we are both carrying a torch for each other or something....

He says he wants to talk to me on the phone and have lunch and stuff.

What do you all think he wants now after all this time?

I have to also let you know that he looks almost the same and I still look pretty good too...lol If we were both single..........hmmmmmmmmmm

Thanks in advance for you nuggets of wisdom.

 

[steph72276]

DON'T DO IT!!!!!! Unless you want to risk your marriage, I would not do it. Would you feel comfortable telling your DH about it? That is how I judge things...whether or not I would do something in front of my hubby. Seeing someone face to face that you still "carry a torch for" can only lead to bad things.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I am not going to mince words here, so please don''t take offense to what I''m about to say...

But, what are you doing?

You''re married...you have a life, a family...those are huge things that stand to be completely demolished by how you handle this situation. So I encourage you to really proceed with caution.

What is it you stand to gain from this communication? Does it really matter in grand scheme of things? Will his explaination for disappearing 16 years ago positively effect your life? Clearly this man didn''t think enough of you to ever say goodbye last time...so now you''re going to put your marriage in harms way over him because 16 years later he''s "sorry"? Are you kidding? What are you thinking? Would this be really, really worth it in the long run?

Life is full of choices. Make the right one.

 

[Kaleigh]

I wouldn't go there. My Nanny used to have a saying," leave it lay where Jesus flung it." It translates to don't mess with this.. It's kinda like opening Pandora's box... A tad dangerous if you ask me... You are married. ETC.... Ignore his emails, don't respond.

 

[starsapphire]

Yes I agree it is dangerous. Do you all think he wants to have an affair or something? I agree also with him not thinking enough of me to say goodbye.

Keep the comments coming!!! I appreciate it!!!

 

[Lynn B]

I agree with the above. The ONLY way I would even remotely consider it a reasonable idea (note that I did not say a "good" idea!) is if all four of you (you and your DH and he and his GF) all meet for lunch... just as an informal, friendly, old-friends-getting-together-and-meeting-each-other's-SO's, and catching-up sort of thing.

EVEN THEN, it could still be dangerous if you maintain a secret internet relationship with him... because will you want to see him again? Privately? And again??? The stakes are high and your heart could very easily begin to get (seriously) entangled, if it hasn't already.

My humble opinion - be very careful. I would even go so far as to suggest you nip it in the bud right now, while you still can.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 5/22/2009 9:39:10 PM
Author: starsapphire
Yes I agree it is dangerous. Do you all think he wants to have an affair or something? I agree also with him not thinking enough of me to say goodbye.

Keep the comments coming!!! I appreciate it!!!

I don''t think you should even take the opportunity to find out. I mean, what good does that do? I guess thats where I''m stumped...

Unless, of course, you''re looking to have an affair...and then it somewhat makes sense and jives with your first post.

 

[Lynn B]

Date: 5/22/2009 9:42:41 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Date: 5/22/2009 9:39:10 PM
Author: starsapphire
Yes I agree it is dangerous. Do you all think he wants to have an affair or something? I agree also with him not thinking enough of me to say goodbye.

Keep the comments coming!!! I appreciate it!!!

I don''t think you should even take the opportunity to find out. I mean, what good does that do? I guess thats where I''m stumped...

Unless, of course, you''re looking to have an affair...and then it somewhat makes sense and jives with your first post.

Yeah, I think Italia hit the nail on the head... if you are very honest with yourself, are you interested in having an affair with this man? And if so, what would the repercussions be with your husband? You need to really think about this long and hard.

Are you prepared to walk away from the old flame... or are you prepared for the possible consequences if you don''t?

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 5/22/2009 9:39:10 PM
Author: starsapphire
Yes I agree it is dangerous. Do you all think he wants to have an affair or something? I agree also with him not thinking enough of me to say goodbye.

Keep the comments coming!!! I appreciate it!!!

Methinks, the writing is on the wall from what he said to you. I wouldn't respond. But that's just me.

I could never deal with a guy that sought me out from the past... The past is the past, unless I was looking to reconnect. I have to ask, are you wanting to have contact?? If you do, it's going to be a very slippery slope. Not one I would go down period.

 

[VRBeauty]

Who knows what he wants? His inquiry could be totally innocent, or not. Personally I''d put it in the "suspicious" category immediately simply because he didn''t offer up a reason for his sudden disappearance without you having to ask.

I''d put your motivations in the same category thanks to

-I have to also let you know that he looks almost the same and I still look pretty good too...lol If we were both single..........hmmmmmmmmmm

So the question is back to you: have you shared this contact with your husband? If not, why are you even considering meeting this guy?

Or maybe the better question is... why are you asking/telling us about it?

 

[princesss]

Honestly?

I don''t think anything good could come of this. I''d cut off contact.

 

[Lynn B]

Also, SS, the title of this thread is "Love Question"... ???
Do you think you might love this guy?

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 5/22/2009 9:11:53 PM
Author:starsapphire


What do you all think he wants now after all this time?

I have to also let you know that he looks almost the same and I still look pretty good too...lol If we were both single..........hmmmmmmmmmm

Thanks in advance for you nuggets of wisdom.

Sex.

 

[Kaleigh]

I agree, asking us is really making me wonder why?? It''s not too hard to figure out... I guess most of us wouldn''t go down that road... So am wondering are you wanting us to say, cool have at it?? I see nothing good coming out of you being in contact with him. Unless it''s to say, I am flattered you want to meet with me. But am very HAPPILY married, so can''t do that. Great to catch up with you, have a nice life...

So not as blunt as that, but you get the gist...

 

[princesss]

Date: 5/22/2009 9:52:09 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 5/22/2009 9:11:53 PM

Author:starsapphire



What do you all think he wants now after all this time?



I have to also let you know that he looks almost the same and I still look pretty good too...lol If we were both single..........hmmmmmmmmmm

Thanks in advance for you nuggets of wisdom.

Sex.

+1

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I also want to point out the fact that this man has a live in girlfriend and a 5 year old daughter. So, whatever it is you decide not only effects the 4 immediate people who depend on their respective relationships....but, also an innocent child.

 

[starsapphire]

I dunno, I guess I wanted you all to slap some sense into me!!! I feel so stupid, and gullible. My marriage is not perfect BTW. Far from it, maybe I guess I am flattered by this attention or something.

 

[starsapphire]

I titled this thread as "Love Question", rather than "apology email" because I knew people would look at it and I''d get more responses. My DH knows about the initial email, but nothing else.

 

[Lynn B]

Date: 5/22/2009 10:10:05 PM
Author: starsapphire
I dunno, I guess I wanted you all to slap some sense into me!!! I feel so stupid, and gullible. My marriage is not perfect BTW. Far from it, maybe I guess I am flattered by this attention or something.

I think a lot of woman have been in similar situations, or COULD have allowed themselves to be. We all have old flames (or new potential ones, ie. attractive, attentive guys in the workplace, etc.) and no one''s marriage is perfect, either.

But if your marriage is important to you, and you want to STAY married -- I would suggest that you put the time and energy and passion into your marriage that you have been putting into that Facebook relationship.

I really think you are at a critical crossroads right now... and the rest of your life may well depend on the road you choose.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 5/22/2009 10:10:05 PM
Author: starsapphire
I dunno, I guess I wanted you all to slap some sense into me!!! I feel so stupid, and gullible. My marriage is not perfect BTW. Far from it, maybe I guess I am flattered by this attention or something.

You aren''t stupid. You''re normal. A lot of people just want to see the good in others and believe that an invitation like this is really just for lunch to catch up. Unfortunately, the reality is that most (not all but most) of the time the intention is for a lot more. Plus, any girl appreciates attention

 

[starsapphire]

I want to thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate you! I am reading all of them and you all are making a lot of sense. I guess something "innocent" can really lead to trouble. I don''t want to go there.

 

[Circe]

Date: 5/22/2009 10:10:05 PM
Author: starsapphire
I dunno, I guess I wanted you all to slap some sense into me!!! I feel so stupid, and gullible. My marriage is not perfect BTW. Far from it, maybe I guess I am flattered by this attention or something.

There''s nothing wrong with still wondering "What if?" or thinking about what might have been, and there''s nothing wrong with being flattered or even a little tickled by the attention (especially if your marriage has been getting a little "flat"). But ... if your marriage has been getting a little flat, you need to try to fix that, or if it''s something that can''t be reversed, think about what that means and what you want *before* getting involved in anything else. I think a lot of the time, people go into these things thinking it''s possible to just get the little rush of flirtation without it going any further, but the thing is, it almost always escalates. Think it through before you do anything!

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Star, you know, you have a great opportunity here! HE was the one who initiated contact recently, yet HE was also the one who unilaterally cut off contact back in the day when you guys were dating. Sooooo, here''s what you do: block his e-mail address and un-friend him on Facebook. No explanation, no discussion ~ just do it!

 

[crown1]

Date: 5/22/2009 11:51:06 PM
Author: Irishgrrrl
Star, you know, you have a great opportunity here! HE was the one who initiated contact recently, yet HE was also the one who unilaterally cut off contact back in the day when you guys were dating. Sooooo, here''s what you do: block his e-mail address and un-friend him on Facebook. No explanation, no discussion ~ just do it!

me thinks she nailed it!

 

[trillionaire]

whoa lady, pump your brakes! When guys with possible ulterior motives message me on FB, I reply on their WALLS! My mom always said ''what you do in the dark will come out in the light!'' Respect your husband. Cut off contact or at least be honest with him about it. This dude has likely changed a ton in 16 years, and *DING DING DING* he was a flake 16 years ago! He''s probably a professional master flake now! How lovely of him to be seeking out past romances while his GF and daughter sleep in the next room. Sounds like a winner!

Good thing you married your husband and not him!


*a bit harsh just to make the point. It''s all love baby, SS!

*

 

[MishB]

I think you really have to think about your motive for continuing contact. If you do genuinely want closure and to understand what happened all those years ago, I totally understand the need for that. Get it via email and then say goodbye and move on. However, if you are looking for some ego stroking, you''re on dangerous ground.

 

[icekid]

Date: 5/22/2009 10:17:47 PM
Author: Lynn B

Date: 5/22/2009 10:10:05 PM

Author: starsapphire

I dunno, I guess I wanted you all to slap some sense into me!!! I feel so stupid, and gullible. My marriage is not perfect BTW. Far from it, maybe I guess I am flattered by this attention or something.

I think a lot of woman have been in similar situations, or COULD have allowed themselves to be. We all have old flames (or new potential ones, ie. attractive, attentive guys in the workplace, etc.) and no one''s marriage is perfect, either.


But if your marriage is important to you, and you want to STAY married -- I would suggest that you put the time and energy and passion into your marriage that you have been putting into that Facebook relationship.

I absolutely agree with Lynn. We all make choices regarding our marriage. I spend far, far more time at work with my work buddies than I do with my husband. Because of this, I feel like I consciously have to make the decision to protect my marriage and put it first. This is one of those cases where you should definitely be on guard, regarding the potential effects on your marriage.

 

[whitby_2773]

hi starsapphire

i suspect, from the tone of your posts, that you''ve already made your decision, even if only subconsciously. you''re emailing him and talking about getting together for lunch, so you''ve already chosen to extend contact. you''re wondering ''what if'' and are talking in terms of still carrying a torch for each other, so you''ve already placed this newly revitalized relationship onto a romantic footing. what you *haven''t* chosen to do is ask him where he went all those years ago, thereby letting him off the hook for his previously slimy behavior. i''m guessing if you haven''t asked him yet, but are still talking in terms of carrying a torch for him, then you''re going to find a way in your head past his previous behavior and that you''ll probably continue to allow him to be unaccountable. you''re looking at him through romantic eyes. he''s looking at you through...well, what IS he looking at you through?

my guess is he found someone else all those years ago. that''s the most common reason men leave women. school was finished, he had greater mobility and so on, and probably found someone he liked more than you. he perhaps found the benefits of being a young guy having no commitments to any one person and simply bolted. or perhaps he might have been overwhelmed with his feelings for you and found it too much too soon and simply couldn''t cope? who knows? the point is that either way - he didn''t see the necessity to tell you he was leaving or why. he didn''t think you needed the respect of closure or an honest conversation. in fact - he didn''t think you deserved anything - and nothing is exactly what you got.

fast forward to now....

he obviously feels his current partner doesn''t deserve much either. she doesn''t deserve honesty or a wedding ring. his baby doesn''t deserve for its parents to be married. SS, it sounds like this guy has all kinds of issues re commitment and honesty. and how old are you both? has he hit his 30''s and is now trying to regain lost youth? is he feeling old and like time is slipping by - has he just decided to go back to his ''glory days''...using you? girl, don''t be a sucker...

if he didnt think you deserved anything back then, and if he doesn''t think the current woman - who has invested over 5 years of her life in him - deserves anything now, you can bet your bottom dollar that if the two of you get together he''s not going to think you deserve anything this time either. rather than wondering about his intentions, you''d be better off asking yourself what you owe - to your husband, to this man''s partner and child, and to your own self respect. if you think you owe nothing, then plummet down this path. but if you think you should be more accountable than that, you might wanna tell Mr Smooth to take a hike, to go work out his current relationship, and you might like to get yourself to a marriage counsellor or to a therapist to get some perspective on what made you vulnerable to such a second rate offer as this guy.

nothing is inevitable, and you can still halt this runaway train. marriages fail all the time, and if yours does - ok. sad, but ok. but don''t force it to fail by introducing someone you''ve convinced yourself is the ''Bigger, Better Deal'' - especially when he turns out to be a well wrapped box with nothing actually inside. this guy sounds like all packaging - but no substance.

marriage is a tough gig and i don''t believe ANYONE goes all the distance without wondering at some stage whether they wouldn''t be better off getting out and calling it a day - so don''t beat yourself up for not having the perfect marriage. but i would also encourage you not to let this guy tear down what you''ve taken years to build with your husband. rather, see what you can do to build your existing house stronger and to repair any cracks your marriage might have.

good luck, SS! marriage is a long journey with many periods of both good and not so good. hang in there and find what can be done to give your marriage its second wind.

 

[allycat0303]

Well I think you KNOW what he wants. It''s pretty obvious to me. The question for me, is what do YOU want. You wrote about this guy, emails, and the meeting, and you also say how your marriage is not perfect, FAR from it. So to me, you are already rationalizing why this is ok. That indicates to me that you marriage is vulnerable, and you need to take a close hard look at what is going on between you and your husband.

 

[starsapphire]

WOW, I am so glad I posted here. It makes me kinda sad to take such a hard look at my situation. All of you have been so helpfull. I guess I was too quick to give this guy a pass for what he did so many years ago. I am 41 and he is 42. Our "thing" was back around 1993 or so. It is kinda like re-living the past. Maybe the past wasn''t so good. I have a good husband. He loves me and adores me. I am not going to mess with this. I know the dangers. I am heeding your advice and counsel and I will cut off contact. I will not be his victim again. And I will not help him create new ones in his GF and daughter!