Losing a grandparent (or anyone, really)

[that_someone_special]

My grandmother passed away yesterday. My grandfather passed 4 years ago, but I''m taking the loss of my grandmother much harder.. What do I do?? I keep thinking of things I want to tell her.. things I regret, and I''m thinking that if I do ANYTHING BAD she''s watching me now.

and FYI I''m agnostic but believe they are somewhere... just don''t know where...

Any help would be great. I''m barely staying afloat this month.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Sorry for your loss, Swedish Bean.

I''m not highly religious, but do believe we pass on to another "realm." If you feel this way, possibly purchase a candle and send thoughts to your grandmother this way?

Hugs to you.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am sorry for your loss as well. My grandmother is not doing well. She is basically giving up and waiting to die. It is heartbreaking to watch. I just try to remind myself of happy memories. Death is always difficult. It''s okay to be sad.

 

[purselover]

I''m so sorry swedish bean, I know the pain involved in losing grandparents all too well, and I''ll be thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.

Tacori I''m sorry to hear about what you''re going through as well, I hope you and your family are doing okay.

 

[mrscushion]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, swedish bean. You are in my thoughts.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I''m sorry for your loss. I believe it''s better to concentrate on the memories of the good times you had together and the loving words you actually said to each other. Thinking about things you want to tell her won''t ease the grief, and she probably knew/knows everything you wanted to say. You can always make time to say "I love you" to her every day.

 

[Lilac]

I''m so sorry for your loss.

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

Swedish bean - I am so very sorry for your loss. As someone who has also lost my grandmother recently, I just wanted to echo what some of the others have said. I have tried to focus on all of the good times that my grandmother and I shared together and it has definitely helped me through the grieving process. I hope that it will do the same for you....sending lots of hugs your way.

 

[isaku5]

I''m so sorry for your loss, but am certain that if you had a great relationship with your grandma, she knew long ago how you felt.

As others have said, try to think of your good times together, and if it helps, start a journal about those times. It might ease your pain.

 

[that_someone_special]

Thank you every.. a journal is a good idea. Yesterday I tried to think of as many happy memories as a could and tried to share them with everyone. I think I will continue and write some down.

As another thought, I am standing to get some jewelry pieces (per what I was told by my grandmother). Yesterday, all of a sudden my mother says, "And how are YOU going to afford to insure all of those pieces!?" I was like... whaaa? I didn''t want to talk about it, and feel weird that people are already trying to divide items up. It''s not like it''s going anywhere... I just want to be able to grieve (and do the funeral picture boards) and think about grandma without everyone laying claim to what they want.

Don''t get me wrong, I don''t think they are being mean or evil.. I think it''s just hard and people are trying to cope or grab things that remind them of grandma.

Tacori, I was there with my grandma too. It''s so painful to see someone say those things or act that way (wanting to just pass away). If it were up to me, I''d have my grandma and dog here with me (my dog was put down 3 days ago).. and it sounds selfish, but I just don''t feel prepared to live without them, you know?? I hope your grandma holds on to health for a while longer. *hug*

 

[Shoopy]

Big hugs swedish. Losing a relative is always so heartbreaking. If there are things you want to tell her, I encourage you to just say them. Perhaps by her gravesite or in the privacy of your own home. I believe that they do hear you and sometimes getting those words out in the open can be so uplifting. There are times that I still "talk" to my dad even though he passed away 14 years ago.

As for doing anything bad, I had to giggle at that statement because I felt the same way. But look at it this way, if you did "anything bad" while she was alive what would her reaction have been? Would she have laughed? Would she have given you words of wisdom to help you through it? Would she have supported you? All of the love that she would have shown you during these moments is still there but in spirit and in memory.

I hope you can feel better soon.

 

[packrat]

Swedish, I''m very sorry about your gramma, and your dog too! One of my grampa''s died a little over 20 years ago. I''m almost 35 now. It does get easier, but it will never completely go away. I was really close to Grampa-born on his birthday and the "favored" granddaughter. Death is hard to deal with, no matter how old you are. I remember writing Grampa a letter a couple years after he died, and that helped a little. Thinking and talking about all the good/fun memories helps. I had a penpal shortly after Grampa died and writing to him helped a lot too-he was a few years older and had been thru something similar..and he listened. It''s good to have someone to talk to, cry with, whatever you feel like doing. There''s not a right or wrong way to handle it, and whatever feelings your feeling-they''re ok. It''s ok to feel selfish and cheated that someone you love is gone. It''s ok to feel like you want to crawl in a hole for a year and not come out. It''s ok to feel angry at the person for leaving you. If you believe in God, it''s ok to want to punch Him in the face for taking your loved one from you, or for allowing it to happen. Sooner or later, the sun will come out again, and the birds will sing, and you''ll smile and know that even tho Gramma''s gone, you''ll be ok-she would want you to be.

 

[Skippy123]

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear grandma. I lost my grandma about 5 years ago; I still miss her. I actually have a book of my favorite pictures of her and also cards she gave me over the years (for my birthday, etc, she was my godmother too). I know in my heart my grandma went some place great and that she is looking over me. This may sound a little weird but sometimes I talk to the ones I love who are gone and just let them know my thoughts from my heart in hopes they hear me and know I am thinking of them. It just takes time but treasure the memories and maybe write down your favorite things about her or talk to you family about her. sending you a hug.

 

[Efe]

Swedish, I am so sorry that you have had to deal with the loss of your grandma and your dog. Losses like these are hard enough, but having them so close together makes it extremely difficult. Take care of yourself and don''t fight the grief. It helps to get it out with words or tears or simply dwelling on the great memories.

 

[dragonfly411]

Swedish - I am so sorry for your loss. I am of the firm belief that if they feel like they want to or need to watch over us, they do. My great grandmother passed when I was 5 but I used to feel like she was in the room with me all the time. Not as much since I''ve gotten older, but when I was ages 8-15 definitely so. Maybe you should write a letter of the things you wanted to say, it will help you to put them out there, whether she gets to read them or not. Or meditate on what you want to say.

I lost a good friend this week to, it is a sad week. ((hugs)) I hope you feel better, loss of family is always hard.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 6/16/2009 1:59:34 PM
Author:swedish bean
My grandmother passed away yesterday. My grandfather passed 4 years ago, but I'm taking the loss of my grandmother much harder.. What do I do?? I keep thinking of things I want to tell her.. things I regret, and I'm thinking that if I do ANYTHING BAD she's watching me now.

and FYI I'm agnostic but believe they are somewhere... just don't know where...

Any help would be great. I'm barely staying afloat this month.

Hi swedish bean:

Perhaps another way to help would be to write your grandmother a letter. It would consolidate all those thoughts and feelings in one place, and help get them out of your head.

I am sorry for your loss.

eta: I see that we had the same thought Dragonfly.

 

[dragonfly411]

hlmr - great minds

 

[Kaleigh]

I am so sorry for your loss swedishbean. I lost my Nany 3 years ago, it was a huge loss for me. I do try to think of all the great times we had, and all the great memories. Writing her a letter is a great idea. HUGS!!!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Just wanted to say I understand how you feel..I had a very hard time with the loss of my Grandfather back in 2000 (he was like a second father to me and I was relatively young). And it''s all coming back to me now a bit since I am getting married next weekend and he had always hoped to officiate over my ceremony (he was a reverend). But I agree with others, what has worked for me the most has been to concentrate on the good memories and the good times. Also, it does get easier..it''s kind of like a disability..you learn to live with the new normal and life eventually seems to feel more normal although there''s always something missing and you''re not quite whole anymore. The pain never goes away, but does get more manageable especially as you learn to concentrate on the good things as bittersweet as they may be. Sending you tons of prayers and my thoughts..

 

[atroop711]

so sorry for your loss.

My grandmother passed away last July 4th. It was hard..I was her baby...her first grandchild. The only thing that got me though her death was knowing that she wasn''t suffering any longer. She suffered for over 5 yrs with Alzheimers. The pain she was in during the last 2 yrs was excruciating to see. Seeing her at peace made me feel better. I know she''s still with me. I was pregant when she passed away and was very upset that she wouldn''t meet my son but I see her every day in his eyes. He actually has her eyes and her facial expressions. It makes me so happy to see her in his eyes.

I hope that with time you will feel better. It does get easier. Try to think about the good times together. Those great memories brings a smile every time!

 

[waxing lyrical]

I''m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and yours. (((hugs)))

My husband is atheist (strong/explicit) and I''m a spiritual ignostic/atheist (in the Buddhist/Taoist sense). When our son died I did entertain the thought of reincarnation and rebirth. It was comforting to me. I don''t feel the need to "see" him again, but I like thinking he''s "somewhere." The naturalist''s view doesn''t bother me, but I guess I like something more comforting.

 

[Haven]

Swedish Bean, I'm so sorry for your loss.

My grandmother died on May 6th, and it has been a very difficult loss for me. I spent a lot of time with her this past year because she was very ill and in and out of hospitals, so it was a long time coming and I had time to say goodbye, so to speak. That still hasn't made it easy.

I think everyone deals with a loss differently, but for me I like to be surrounded with things that remind me of her. She had this ratty, ugly little sleeper loveseat that she just adored. All of my memories of spending time with her in her home center around her reclining in the loveseat with her head resting on one end, and her feet thrown over the other. That loveseat is now in our family room, and even though it is quite an eyesore, I smile every time I see it. I also have an apron she used to wear that has her name stitched on it (Helga) and I hung that up in my kitchen so I see it every morning when I'm making coffee. And she left a beautiful ring for me, so I think of her every time I see that.

I suppose what I'm saying is that I need to surround myself with physical things that remind me of someone after I lose them, and those physical things bring back all of the great memories that I have. Maybe you just need to figure out what triggers your positive memories of your grandmother, and that will help you, too.

Time is also a great healer. It does get easier to face the reality of the loss with each day that passes.

 

[atroop711]

Date: 6/16/2009 7:54:08 PM
Author: waxing lyrical
I''m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and yours. (((hugs)))


My husband is atheist (strong/explicit) and I''m a spiritual ignostic/atheist (in the Buddhist/Taoist sense). When our son died I did entertain the thought of reincarnation and rebirth. It was comforting to me. I don''t feel the need to ''see'' him again, but I like thinking he''s ''somewhere.'' The naturalist''s view doesn''t bother me, but I guess I like something more comforting.

Waxing lyrical...I just want to say I''m sorry for your loss. As a mom, my heart goes out to another parent who has lost a child.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

waxing, I am so sorry for your loss.

swedish, it is very difficult b/c mentally she is not always with it. She has stopped getting out of bed and has to be forced to eat. My mom took her to the doctor to see if something was wrong and straight out asked her "are you just waiting to die" and she replied "yes." I am not very religious either but I do think you can say aloud the things you want her to hear. Even if you believe she cannot hear it I think it would make you feel better. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Ellen]

swedish, I'm so sorry for your loss. Grandparents (aside from parents) can be particularly hard to deal with. They really are such special people.... I've had several losses in my life, one in particular that I had an extremely hard time getting over/coming to terms with. My sister gave me this poem, and it really did help bring me peace. I've also said it to myself over the years, when I get nostalgic over someone I've lost. I find it very comforting, so I'm passing it on to you, in the hopes that you do too.

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep




Do not stand at my grave and weep;


I am not there. I do not sleep.


I am a thousand winds that blow.


I am the diamond glints on snow.


I am the sunlight on ripened grain.


I am the gentle autumn rain.


When you awaken in the morning's hush


I am the swift uplifting rush


Of quiet birds in circled flight.


I am the soft stars that shine at night.


Do not stand at my grave and cry;


I am not there. I did not die.


Mary Elizabeth Frye - 1932

 

[hlmr]

Date: 6/16/2009 8:45:12 PM
Author: Ellen

Do not stand at my grave and weep;


I am not there. I do not sleep.


I am a thousand winds that blow.


I am the diamond glints on snow.


I am the sunlight on ripened grain.


I am the gentle autumn rain.


When you awaken in the morning''s hush


I am the swift uplifting rush


Of quiet birds in circled flight.


I am the soft stars that shine at night.


Do not stand at my grave and cry;


I am not there. I did not die.


Mary Elizabeth Frye - 1932

I love this poem. It always makes my stomach pang.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 6/16/2009 8:53:56 PM
Author: hlmr

I love this poem. It always makes my stomach pang.

I know, it really is touching.

 

[ello]

I am so very sorry for your loss. It''s a difficult journey but remember that you are not alone.

What I have learned from my own loss is the following:

You will say WHY?
You will ask WHO AM I?
Some days you will feel LONELY.
You might QUESTION LIFE.
Some days you will WAKE-UP CRYING.
Other days you will NOT BE ABLE TO CRY.
You will learn who really cares - WHO IS YOUR TRUE FRIENDS?
Some people''s IGNORANCE WILL SHOCK YOU.
Some days you will feel ANGRY.
Other days you will feel at PEACE.
You will find yourself TALKING OUT LOAD.
You may write a LETTER or dot down your thoughts. -(This is so new to me)
You will look for your loved ones faces in CROWDS.
You may even find yourself being more COMPASSIONATE -(Talking or taking the extra time to talk to an elderly)

BUT remember that these emotions are NORMAL. These feelings will help you GROW.

I think all of us have a favorite relative or friend and it''s like losing a piece of your heart/soul when they die, that will never grow back - BUT you will learn to live without him/her. I struggle with this every day.

AND THIS IS HOW I FEEL:
Grief is slow when you truly loved someone. Don''t rush. This is YOUR journey. FIND YOURSELF. LOVE YOURSELF.
If you loved someone your entire life, you should not have to forget or get over it in a few days. I THINK true beauty and love is the love that you carry with you ALL YOUR LIFE! Whether the person is with you or without...

Here is a card I made for my dad this year...(My first Father''s Day without my daddy)

I''m not very spiritual but loved the poem and made the card for my mom and sister. I find comfort in the words...I hope you do 2!

HUGS and Strength!

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 6/16/2009 9:25:12 PM
Author: Ries
I am so very sorry for your loss. It''s a difficult journey but remember that you are not alone.

What I have learned from my own loss is the following:

You will say WHY?
You will ask WHO AM I?
Some days you will feel LONELY.
You might QUESTION LIFE.
Some days you will WAKE-UP CRYING.
Other days you will NOT BE ABLE TO CRY.
You will learn who really cares - WHO IS YOUR TRUE FRIENDS?
Some people''s IGNORANCE WILL SHOCK YOU.
Some days you will feel ANGRY.
Other days you will feel at PEACE.
You will find yourself TALKING OUT LOAD.
You may write a LETTER or dot down your thoughts. -(This is so new to me)
You will look for your loved ones faces in CROWDS.
You may even find yourself being more COMPASSIONATE -(Talking or taking the extra time to talk to an elderly)

BUT remember that these emotions are NORMAL. These feelings will help you GROW.

I think all of us have a favorite relative or friend and it''s like losing a piece of your heart/soul when they die, that will never grow back - BUT you will learn to live without him/her. I struggle with this every day.

AND THIS IS HOW I FEEL:
Grief is slow when you truly loved someone. Don''t rush. This is YOUR journey. FIND YOURSELF. LOVE YOURSELF.
If you loved someone your entire life, you should not have to forget or get over it in a few days. I THINK true beauty and love is the love that you carry with you ALL YOUR LIFE! Whether the person is with you or without...

Here is a card I made for my dad this year...(My first Father''s Day without my daddy)

I''m not very spiritual but loved the poem and made the card for my mom and sister. I find comfort in the words...I hope you do 2!

HUGS and Strength!

This is such a beautiful tribute and beautiful words. I am so very sorry for your loss too Ries.

 

[Kaleigh]

Yes she lost her dad... Very sad, and so touching at the same time.