Wedding Long Distance Rels''p / Cold feet

[bettina]

Here''s rehashing an old idea to no end. I checked other posts and couldn''t find what I was looking for. My problem is a mixture of "is he the one?" and "how do I bring us closer with 1200 miles distance?" It seems like everytime we''re apart we fight. He''s one of those people who say really hurtful things when they''re upset and you just can''t forget about. I''m trying to work on us and he says his attitude is a reaction to mine and I just don''t understand. My decision is either uproot and move from florida to indiana and marry him, or stay in florida because without the distance between us I will go running to him (experience, we''ve broken up 3 times in our 4 years). I keep telling myself that he was confident enough to spend that much on me so recently and I need to understand the stress the distance is taking on him.

My questions are:

How do you distinguish between cold feet and a big mistake?

How do you Long Distance girls make it work?

 

[DMBFiredancer]

i was a long distance girl (me in NJ - him in CA) and my biggest bit of advice to you would be to live together first if that is possible for you and your situation.
if you can and want to, uproot to be with him and if it was meant to be you will know soon enough.
if it was not meant to be, you can always move back home and know that you tried.

luckily for me, i knew after only a few months of living in CA with him that it was going to work out for the best. i''m a HUGE supporter of testing the waters first - living together to make sure you are truly compatible. but, not everyone believes in this, or can do this, so i am not sure what your circumstances are fully.

good luck! long distance can be tough but if if is meant to be it will all work out.

 

[LaraOnline]

If he says hurtful things when enraged, that can be a problem...

will he engage you prior to moving, (you mentioned moving and marrying) or is the move all on your shoulders?

I think he should show good will by engaging you prior to your move, then, if it doesn''t work out, you will feel able to make a more dignified departure.
While there, do what you can to make the move worthwhile to you on your terms (career wise, or interests, etc)

Would he be prepared to come to you?

Be prepared to bail if he looks like a fruitcake, or is inconsiderate. Make it a long engagement, too, and low key....

Who initiates the break ups? You or him?

 

[Laurie2]

Before I was married we were long distance for a year. Then we lived together 3 (I moved) years before we were married. I don''t think we could have lived apart much longer. I guess you do what you have to but this is what worked for us. And remember anything that annoys you now will get stronger when you live together. I think living together might help you see the relationship more clearly. Plus I''m an Indiana girl. I moved here from Texas and I love it. Good Luck

 

[bettina]

We moved to florida from indiana and have been living here together for 2 years. Recently, we decided to go home and be with family (all my idea, by the way). He''s already found a job but doesn''t start for 3 weeks. He''s been up there since the beginning of july. We fought when he left, I took a 2 week vacation up there and it was wonderful, and we fought when I left.

My biggest qualm with moving is that he has a good job up there and I''d be leaving a good job to go do lord only knows what. It''s much smaller so employment is limited.

We''ve been engaged for 6 months. The plan was to move up and buy a house since cost of living is so low up there. We can have the kind of life we can''t in florida.

Thanks for the imput.

Since he''s already vacated and lost his income for awhile it''s entirely up to me to pay for the 2 bedroom apt we shared and the cost to break the lease. With that and bills, it''s hard to save for the move which will be another grand. He doesn''t have the money to help me right now, so I''m trying to wait until he can give me a hand. He did the same thing when we moved down in the first place. Packed his car, stayed with a friend, and I packed everything we both owned and payed to move it. I feel like he should have planned for this instead of flying by the seat of his pants. Whenever I try to talk to him about money he says I should worry so much or he gets upset and tells me to stay here if that''s what I really want. I just don''t logistically see a move possible RIGHT this second.

I have initiated the break-ups. The first one was the red flags going off, but I saw it hurt him and made up a lie to cover my real reason and we made up in hours. I just felt like I could do better, but are my standards too high? His temper 3 years ago was one, after 2 months of absolute misery I ran into him and it was back on. Myspace, dirty texts to the ex, and lying about them was another. A 6 page letter when I changed my phone number got me that time. But, all I see in that is his consistency. We fought and he never left - I did.

It sucks to see it in print. Like looking into a window. You guys probably think I''m nuts, right?
Shouldn''t you not doubt it? On the other hand, isn''t it right to doubt such a big decision? Add in that old maternal clock ticking and I''m a mess.

I know how much I love him. He''ll be a great father. A good provider. We want the same things in life at the same time. I''m confused.

 

[LaraOnline]

I''m not sure I can help you, Bettina.
I had a boyfriend who was quite whirlwind about everything, but it seemed like life was kinda a ... performance, with him the star player.
He was really high maintenance, and when he went off, I didn''t even know what had caused the problem.
He was nasty too, sneering and cruel - when I didn''t even know what the offense was!
I went overseas (had booked my ticket nine months earlier) and he took to ringing me up 6am on Sundays my time, just to keep an eye on me! Then he proposed over the phone!
What a fool he was!
Alarm bells were ringing all over... when I finally got on a plane to come back to sort it all out, he had dumped me for someone else. The killer was... I felt sorry for the girl.
what a lucky escape!
Life is longer than you think, and yes, you do have nine lives.

 

[bettina]

Thanks for the story, Lara. I think a major issue is texts, to be honest. It''s hard to convey tone. The proposal came after I stopped waiting by the phone for his calls. He went out of town for a week and we talked so well over the phone that we went to the jewelry store as soon as he got off the plane. We''d been looking at a ring a month or so before and it was still there. I took that as a sign. Of course, a lady found Jesus in a cheeto last week so it''s all up to interpretation.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 8/14/2008 5:41:56 AM
Author: bettina
Of course, a lady found Jesus in a cheeto last week so it''s all up to interpretation.

Hilarious quote, and so truthful, it hurts!
If he''s abusive, or emotionally abusive, get outta there.
are there any specific events where you''ve just thought ''uh-oh...''
my ''guy'' tried on my lipstick and nightie, telling me he was interested in cross dressing, and would I help him out...
is there an element of ''rescue me'' in him? (above and beyond the romantic normal, that is!!!)

There''s no doubt that distance creates pressure, both good and bad.
But listen really hard to that little voice inside you... no, listen harder than that!

It''s so very hard to be honest, even with yourself, when it comes to lerv!!!

anyway, I''ll stop now and let someone else weigh in,
all the best Bettina!

 

[bettina]

Thanks for chatting, sometimes it makes things easier to talk about them. He''s more of done things that piss me off. I get it in my head that relationships are about working through issues and learning how to fight and it''s not a big deal. I have a tendency to shrug off anything that might be an issue because I know he loves me, even if he''s a baby sometimes. But I don''t think you should talk that way to somebody you love and want to be with.

As far as the rescuing goes, I don''t think he''s any worse than anyone else. We all have our issues.

 

[Sabine]

Bettina, it sounds to me like you know what you have to do, and you''ve known for a long time (hence the previous breakups), but you are doubting yourself for some reason. You broke up with him for very legitimate reasons, and although it''s hard to be on your own, it doesn''t sound like he has changed enough to warrant going back on your initial reasons to not be with him. I think it''s time to leave, but I wish you luck with whatever you decide.

 

[mayachel]

When you are sitting with yourself, very quietly and calmly and you think about spending, not your weekend together, but a month or a year, living in one home, does it make you want to run and hide? In and of yourself produce anxiety? That''s when you know, and it sounds like you do know already to me too.

Barring trusting that gut instinct, like others have said, find a way to be in the same place for more than a week at a time. How often do you get to see each other? Every weekend? Once a month? Physically being in one another''s space is no match for lengthy phone calls when it comes to having questions about what''s going on.

LDR can work, but usually best when both people are on the same page.

 

[purrfectpear]

We can only go by the details you''ve given but I see red flags here.

Sounds like he puts himself first. He moved once and left you with the work and the expense of moving. Now he''s done it again. It doesn''t really matter that you think you discussed the move jointly, the fact is he''s off the hook and has a dandy new job. You are still paying for an apartment you can''t afford, would have furniture to move, and so far...no new job.

The cards are always in HIS favor aren''t they? He sort of makes sure that the impact is never on him.

If I were you I''d either get a roommate to share the 2 bd. or break the lease and find an apartment in Florida I could afford by myself. If he wants his furniture or stuff, let him fly back down there, pack it up and pay to move it himself. If you feel like staying engaged fine, but I would NOT be moving at my own expense and giving up my job right now. If your relationship is strong enough for a healthy marriage, it will be strong enough for long distance. The fact that you probably cannot have a good long distance relationship should open your eyes to what the next 50 years could be like if you married him.

Living in the same house and being married is not a cure for things that are wrong.

 

[bettina]

It means a lot to me that you girls took the time to respond to this. I have some time to make a decision and I guess I''ll have to buck up and do it. I don''t want to imagine my life without him, but I know I can do better. I''m not sure how else to put that. I''m not afraid to be alone. I''m essentially alone now. I just don''t understand how we can get along so well when we''re together but after a day or so apart everything''s different.

 

[bettina]

Date: 8/14/2008 8:54:38 AM
Author: purrfectpear
We can only go by the details you''ve given but I see red flags here.

Sounds like he puts himself first. He moved once and left you with the work and the expense of moving. Now he''s done it again. It doesn''t really matter that you think you discussed the move jointly, the fact is he''s off the hook and has a dandy new job. You are still paying for an apartment you can''t afford, would have furniture to move, and so far...no new job.

The cards are always in HIS favor aren''t they? He sort of makes sure that the impact is never on him.

If I were you I''d either get a roommate to share the 2 bd. or break the lease and find an apartment in Florida I could afford by myself. If he wants his furniture or stuff, let him fly back down there, pack it up and pay to move it himself. If you feel like staying engaged fine, but I would NOT be moving at my own expense and giving up my job right now. If your relationship is strong enough for a healthy marriage, it will be strong enough for long distance. The fact that you probably cannot have a good long distance relationship should open your eyes to what the next 50 years could be like if you married him.

Living in the same house and being married is not a cure for things that are wrong.

I know. Excellent point. Plus, he''s pressuring me to go now with no cushion and it''s just impossible. I''m an extremely emotional person. This is all very hard for me.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

If you want the truth, it''s there in your own words...

First of all, times get hard in relationships. Harder than simply being long distance. If he is verbally abusive... that, in and of itself, is a reason to hit the road, girl. You cannot, in good faith, marry a man that cuts you with his words every time he gets the chance. Life is full of ups and downs and I fear for you that if you over look this now, you''re just signing up for more of it in the future. And another thing to consider on this issue is that the tenticles of abuse (verbal or otherwise) stretch far wider than just you...they will affect your children if and when you have any, your extended families, friends, your job...be wise about this, please.

Secondly, apparently you''re in an unstable relationship if you''ve been continuely off and on for the duration of your time together. When you''re with the right person, when you''re finally with your soulmate, everything changes. Fights, and issues that would tear a normal couple apart, brings soulmates closer. Taking breaks and seperating would be a fate worse than death. Clearly you''ve have trying times....but you deserve more.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

 

[sklingem]

Bettina -
I think that you have made up your mind - and for a good reason based on what you told us.
"He''ll be a great father. A good provider". Yup. There is just one little thing missing: A great husband (and friend)! Kudos to you for not letting yourself get carried away and make a mistake you will regret for a long time.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 8/14/2008 8:59:11 AM
Author: bettina
It means a lot to me that you girls took the time to respond to this. I have some time to make a decision and I guess I''ll have to buck up and do it. I don''t want to imagine my life without him, but I know I can do better. I''m not sure how else to put that. I''m not afraid to be alone. I''m essentially alone now. I just don''t understand how we can get along so well when we''re together but after a day or so apart everything''s different.

There''s your answer.

Please don''t settle for less than looking into the future and seeing nothing but happiness. If you''re having doubts like this now, it''s time to walk.

 

[PostIt]

I think you''ll probably feel LESS alone if you break up with him.

 

[Thomperchik]

Bettina - I don''t post much, but your situation hit a little close to home. I was a lady in waiting for a while. I dated someone similar to your current FI. The relationship was never about us or we, it was always about him. He always made me feel guilty for everything, even for his short commings. Long story short, when he was going to propose I told myself, Even though I''ve dated him for a while, do I really want to live with someone the rest of my life who doesn''t consider me to be his #1, but I consider him to be my #1? I always knew I could do better and the best sign I got was my intuition. Sometimes women are natural givers and you want to give and please all the time. But there comes a point in your life when you should consider this, "when is it my time to receive the same amount that I give?" That''s what did it for me. Think about everything that you''ve done and ask yourself, "would he do the same for me?"

Good luck!

 

[trillionaire]

Good luck with your decision! I have been in a LDR for 4 yrs, and we rarely fight, ever. We see each other about once a month, and we don''t fight then either. Everything in life doesn''t have to be hard. A relationship should feel comfortable and natural. The hard things should be the general logistics (whens, wheres and hows), NOT the actual relationship per se. You should not have to fight to be treated well, to be respected, to be happy.

Best wishes!

 

[Gwyn]

Date: 8/14/2008 4:00:56 AM
Author:bettina
Here''s rehashing an old idea to no end. I checked other posts and couldn''t find what I was looking for. My problem is a mixture of ''is he the one?'' and ''how do I bring us closer with 1200 miles distance?'' It seems like everytime we''re apart we fight. He''s one of those people who say really hurtful things when they''re upset and you just can''t forget about. I''m trying to work on us and he says his attitude is a reaction to mine and I just don''t understand. My decision is either uproot and move from florida to indiana and marry him, or stay in florida because without the distance between us I will go running to him (experience, we''ve broken up 3 times in our 4 years). I keep telling myself that he was confident enough to spend that much on me so recently and I need to understand the stress the distance is taking on him.

My questions are:

How do you distinguish between cold feet and a big mistake?

How do you Long Distance girls make it work?

One thing I am a little confused on is that line above? Spend that much what? Did you guys go and buy the ring that was still there? Are you now engaged? Is the fact that he bought a ring part of the reason why he doesnt have the few thousand dollars to help you move now? Another thing about the money issues...if you two are going to be together and get married, I am a pretty firm believer of the old adage whats yours and mine whats mine is yours. You said he has a good job and you said he would be a good provider. If you take up the slack now, it seems like you will be covered later.

Okay my two cents... First off, If he is physically abusive, I say walk! Even if he has cleaned up his act now, there is no way of telling when that might resurface. Second, the mental abuse, is it just when you are fighting, or in general. Some people can get pretty heated in an argument. And alot of people, especially depending on how they were raised, can yell or say nasty things at the dtop of a hat when fighting. Its not really an excuse and by no means am I trying to justify this behavior but I would not condemn him for it. If, however, he is mentally abusive in general or says things to put you down or make you feel bad unprovoked/for no reason....then I would think twice about keeping him around.

The few things you mentioned, the texts to his ex and the lying...I dont know what i think about that since i dont really know what was said. Personally I think it would really bother me too and I would have to be sure they were not in contact anymore and that he understood it was wrong and no okay to lie about it and that getting annoyed or mad at my insecurity on the subject is not an option because it is a trust he broke and kind of brought on himself. Now I am not saying to get mad and hold this over him, i think its best that, if you trust it is over, to just forget about it. But if the same kind of behavoir starts happening again. I would act a little faster to getting to the bottom of it.

Lastly, if you think you can do better, and you are happy where you are in your apartment and your job then why not try. You said you had broken up 3 times over th e last 4 years, did you date anyone during that time? How did it turn out? How did you feel without him? Personally whether you can do better or not isn''t the issue, it is whether or not you want this person period. From your posts, it sounds like maybe you don''t. And since you appear to already be living ok without him now, I dont see huge ramifications in making that permanent. If you feel like you are settling, then you probably are.

If you do decide to give it a shot, I think that moving to Indiana is a step in the right direction (or try to get him to move back) definitely like with each other for a lil while longer before making the "plunge".

 

[iheartscience]

Texting his ex and lying about it? Saying hurtful things to you and blaming it on you? Dump him now...you know that''s what you need to do. You deserve better. Good luck!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 8/14/2008 4:16:04 PM
Author: thing2of2
Texting his ex and lying about it? Saying hurtful things to you and blaming it on you? Dump him now...you know that''s what you need to do. You deserve better. Good luck!

Ditto. It may seem nearly impossible now, but I know you can get through this. Be strong!

((Hugs))

 

[HollyS]

Date: 8/14/2008 8:54:38 AM
Author: purrfectpear
We can only go by the details you''ve given but I see red flags here.

Sounds like he puts himself first. He moved once and left you with the work and the expense of moving. Now he''s done it again. It doesn''t really matter that you think you discussed the move jointly, the fact is he''s off the hook and has a dandy new job. You are still paying for an apartment you can''t afford, would have furniture to move, and so far...no new job.

The cards are always in HIS favor aren''t they? He sort of makes sure that the impact is never on him.

If I were you I''d either get a roommate to share the 2 bd. or break the lease and find an apartment in Florida I could afford by myself. If he wants his furniture or stuff, let him fly back down there, pack it up and pay to move it himself. If you feel like staying engaged fine, but I would NOT be moving at my own expense and giving up my job right now. If your relationship is strong enough for a healthy marriage, it will be strong enough for long distance. The fact that you probably cannot have a good long distance relationship should open your eyes to what the next 50 years could be like if you married him.

Living in the same house and being married is not a cure for things that are wrong.

I have to agree. I''m really kind of stunned that you became engaged after all of your prior experience with this guy. The red flags are still there. You see them. You just told us you do. Now, what?

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

People who are engaged are a team and plan their life together. I say "life" and not "lives" because that is what a marriage is - one life composed of two people. A man who moves on the spur of the moment and leaves his girlfriend to clean up his mess or moves again on a whim without a clear plan of where his fiance will be and how the logistics will be handled... well that is not a man who is part of a team. He is doing what he wants to do and hopes that you tag along.

I had this a similar conversation when my boyfriend was living in Japan. I told him that I wanted to be a part of a team. I told him that I felt like he was living his life, and I was living mine, and he didn''t seem to be moving toward those two lives being joined. I needed someone to want to share a life with me, not just invite me to participate in his. It was really hard to be so far away from each other.

In any normal situation, distance is stressful. The everyday stuff of life tends to separate you. BF and I have broken up 3 times over the last 6 years.(once when we graduated college and moved apart after two months of dating, once when he was ignoring me for flight school, and once when he was sent to Japan for a three year tour while I was finishing grad school) Ever since he moved back to Texas, things have been wonderful with my boyfriend. Ever since I moved to be in the same city, I''ve felt like I''m in relationship heaven. However, you two were together in the same city for a loooong time, and it doesn''t seem as if you were living a shared life.


Really, only you can know what you need to do! Hugs to you, sweetheart. I wish you the best.

 

[PrincessDijon]

I think that your gut was right to break up.....

Honestly, I was in an LDR, to include marriage for 3+ years...My ex cheated, still talked to other women online, made excuses, ect.

Long story short I came to FL to find myself while on internship and it was then that I made the decision to leave him for good. I felt guilty about it for a long time and I have blamed myself many many times. But in the end, everything always seems to work itself out, even if it takes a little while.

Heck, if it wasn't for my failing LD Marriage, I wouldn't have come to FL or found my FF ....

All I can say is PLLLLLLLLLLLLEASE go with your instincts, if something isn't right, it most likely isn't and getting in to a marriage will only hurt all parties involved. I know it's hard, believe me, I didn't break up with my cheating ex for 3 years....Needless to say I had low self esteem, I beat myself up on a regular basis (blaming myself for his cheating), and no matter how much I did for him, it was never enough....

Enough of my ranting, but do what you think is best....Believe me, we all have to kiss the frogs before we find THE one....most importantly we have to find ourselves first (which was something I neglected to do before my last marriage)

Best of luck to you girl!