Long Distance Marriage?

[Missy]

I think a 20 year marriage is something to be extremely proud of, I'm not gloating, it's hard work...compromise...love...selflessness on both parties on different occasions(try living without working plumbing for a bit and see how much you enjoy each other ;0). I have seen far too many people marry for the wrong reasons and become miserable. One poster said that to say you'd die of a broken heart if one of you passed on is becoming "too attached". Yeah, after 20 years you do kinda get attached to each other but THAT is exactly why so many marriages do not work. There's a "ME" mentality instead of a "WE" mentality in most relationships.

The original poster is free to take advice from any of the posts. From someone who has been married 5 years but resented their spouse for 4 of those, from someone else who has lived apart more than together, from a person who has been happily married for a very long time..... it's up to them.

Things, jobs, money, jewelry..it comes and goes. Love, time with someone you love, should not be wasted, you can't get those years back.

I also have a couple of great kids and yes, I'm attached to them too, enough to say that my heart would shatter if anything happened to them, I love them MORE than life. If someone envies me, it's not for my diamond ring, believe me.

A twenty year marriage is something to be very proud of! But that's true no matter how you get there. You got there in the way that's right for you: other people get there using a variety of other paths.

Among of the reasons that I love my husband as much as I do are that he's brilliant and ambitious and forward-thinking. I'm pretty sure he'd say the same about me. If that occasionally complicates our lives by making us want cool job opportunities and takes us off the beaten path ... so be it. If this were an abstract thread, I don't think I'd bother arguing, 'cause, hey, no offense, but your opinion isn't exactly any skin off my nose. But to suggest to another poster that her love is inferior to yours because she's facing different circumstances? Tacky, tacky, tacky.

hot.soup, regardless of whether you choose to postpone the wedding until you can live together to make it the demarcating line between phases of your life, or whether you use that bond as a way to strengthen your union during the period you have to be apart, think of what makes you (collective you) happiest and safest, and not what anybody else might think. At the end of the day, how much do outside opinions really matter?

I agree with Circe 100%. No one can tell you the right path because there is no right path. It is the path that works best for the two of you. And sometimes that is not always the easiest path but nothing worthwhile is easy anyway, is it? You guys can do it and make it work and while it won't be easy it will certainly be worth it. You share a goal and are looking ahead to the future and while 2 years seems like a long time in the long run it really isn't. You will see each other when you can, communicate as often as you can and your love will be there throughout the journey. Good luck!!

 

[TooPatient]

Is there any way he could shorten his post-doc and just do 1 year? Or get a different post-doc either in Canada or even just closer to Canada?

My main concern would be what happens when he finishes his post-doc. What if he can't get a job near you in Canada? There should be a stopping point where your relationship comes before jobs. Normally that would be marriage for most couples.What a tough situation...I personally couldn't do it, but it doesn't seem like you two have too many other options aside from breaking up, which of course it's clear you don't want.

EXACTLY what I was thinking. My main concern would be what happens after the post doc. You will be established in your job by then and you already said its hard to find positions. Will he be willing to move to you once he has completed his post doc, even if he gets a position somewhere else? Is he planning on using his education to work in academia? If so, its not like he can just show up to the closest university and start working. Positions are competitive and nothing is guaranteed.It seems to me like there is a good chance that one of you will have to make a big sacrifice when he finishes his post doc. That's where I get concerned for you. I think the long distance is doable (although not ideal) and many couples make it work. It sucks, but if you work at it you can get through it.

This is what I've been thinking as I read this thread.

I certainly think you CAN make it work if you both are willing to put in the effort/commitment BUT I think you both need to sit down and look at what the possible outcomes are when he finishes his 2 years. What is the probability that he'll be able to get a job in the little town (or near it) where you're working? What's the probability that you'll be able to find a position in your field wherever he ends up? How likely is it that he'll have to do another year or two?

After that, I think you need to have a specific plan in place for how you are going to stay connected -- IM, e-mail, Skype, etc. Will one of you call the other each night before bed? Maybe have a couple of nights a week where you video-call dinner so you can "eat" together? Will he have breaks between quarters? If so, can he drive to Canada to be with you (or drive partway and get cheaper airfare?)? Who is visiting and when?


I'm sorry you are in a situation like this. I know I'd like to say that if FI and I were in a similar situation, one of us would give up career/school/family/friends so that we could live together no matter what, but I do know that bills still have to be paid so that isn't always possible for everyone.

 

[chemgirl]

I was reading through the rest of the responses and I'm really surprised by some of them. HS, marriages are not all alike and cannot all be judged by some arbitrary standard. Being apart won't make you any less married. You can spend a lot of time together without physically being with each other. I haven't been married for very long, but I don't think that makes my opinion any less valid. Although I'm not in a long distance marriage, my husband owns a company that is incorporated in three countries. This means a lot of travel. He is gone for at least a week every month, with longer absences if he has to do any on site work. He was in the UK for 4 months over the summer supervising a contract. I wasn't about to quit my job, sell the house, and move over there with him for 4 months. The thought never crossed my mind. Instead, we focused on how to spend time together on a daily basis. We would have online dates, read the same books, send each other quirky postcards, anything to feel connected. He even came to the gym with me on my tablet. That particular contract lead to a long distance contract that requires little time on DH's part, but covers all of our monthly expenses. I think the time apart was completely worth it for the financial stability that it gave us. I don't think my opinion means I don't love my husband or there is something wrong with my relationship. SImilarly, wanting financial stability and job security doesn't mean you don't put your relationship before work. The work is helping you build a future for both of you.

I grew up in an area where it wasn't unusual for spouses to be separated for several months at a time. I lived in a rural area in northern ontario where it was standard for husbands to go hunting for several weeks. It was also fairly standard for spouses to work in different towns and see each other periodically. My parents (who have been married over 30 years) spent about 4 months apart each year for the first 6 or 7 years of their marriage. It was just necessary. My father is a civil engineer and each summer he had to go and work on site somewhere in the area. There was always a big push to get the work done before the ground got frosty again so he didn't have much time to come home and see us. My mom didn't quit her job and sell the house every summer to follow Dad to a mystery location. It just didn't make any sense. It was just accepted that in order for us to be financially stable, he had to work out of town during the summer. They knew that eventually he would be a manager, wouldn't have to stay out of town, and would be able to ensure a positive future for the family. I know now that they totally think it was worth it. They are financially stable in retirement and spend most of their time travelling together. They made sacrifices knowing what the end result would be.

I think you're doing the same thing. You're making a sacrifice now knowing that it will make things far easier for both of you in the future. You're no stranger to the long distance thing and you know how to handle it. You know it will be hard, but you've made a decision for your future family (be it the two of you or the two of you and children). Also, I know you can't just up and move to the US, even if you were to give up your job. I'm sure you know this, but you can't live there for more than 6 months per year. This will change once you're married, but there is paperwork and hoops to jump through that make it not a straightforward process. Its not like moving there and living off of his income is even a real option right now (even if it could support both of you). There is also the issue of health insurance. I don't know if you could use Canadian travel health insurance for that long of a time period...you'd probably have to get US insurance and then your provincial health insurance will have expired by the time you get back to Canada. Its really a nightmare to deal with.

Sorry that I'm ranting, but its just not as cut and dry as some posters are making it out to be. There are so many reasons why your moving there just doesn't work. You are making a very responsible decision and you and your relationship shouldn't be judged negatively for it.

 

[Bleed Burnt Orange]

My fiance and I have been apart since June 2009. We have been engaged since August 2009. At no point in our time apart have we considered not being together. I wanted to marry this man soon after meeting him and we started dating, in 2005. I only see him every 2 months, sometimes longer (not more than 3). Our situation is slightly different in that he has a job with a rotation, so he DOES come home at planned times. Even before he was relocated, we spent some of our relationship apart. Since 2005, we've lived in the same city only about 2.5 years.

Many people worry about us, but, a few people realize and understand that we have a really strong relationship that we built before. I don't think everyone could do it, but, we can, and are.

It can be hard at times, but we email each other every day and use IM, Skype (not as much in a while), and phone from time to time. The HARDEST part of it...he's in Africa! The time difference limits how much we can talk to one another. At the end of the day though, "hearing" from one another makes us happy. We are silly, serious, etc. over the phone and email. I have casual conversations with him as though he was right there.

If I have ANY advice or comfort to give you is...take advantage of being in a similar time zone. Technology is great. Just because you aren't seeing one another regularly, it doesn't mean that your conversations won't be the same as if you were in the same spot. I believe that anyone in a strong, commited relationship can deal with the sacrifice. Look at it this way, it's the man you want to marry. There will be a point in time that you are together. Until then...you already have him in your life, which is something a LOT of people cannot say. I hope anything I said has helped. If not, at least know that someone else is in a similar situation. I do not regret it for once, because I know that there will be a time when I truly get to spend the rest of my life with him.

 

[Haven]

This sounds positively silly, but when I clicked on the topic link to read all of your responses just now, I was really really hoping that one of you had miraculously found a solution that would let my FI and I move together and live happily ever after. I just keep thinking there is SOMETHING I could do that would keep us together physically, but I know there isn't.

slg47, Divadiamond and Haven: I appreciate your honesty. I want to admit that I'm a little sad that the opinion seems to be that I've prioritized work over my marriage. Love is wonderful and being with my FI is all I want, but I can't pay student loans, bills, rent, put food on the table with love. We can't live off of his income solely, and if he gives up this post doc for me, we would be able to survive of my income alone, but that just delays the inevitable. He still needs to do a post doc to find a job and there isn't even a university in the small town I'm working in. I can't find a job in my field in the States, but if I could move in with him and work in McD's I would, but I can only work my NAFTA profession down in the US so I can't even do that. So please tell me, how should I prioritize marriage over everything else but still survive? I'm not being sarcastic, now that you've heard the basics of my situation, what would you do if you were in my shoes?

HotSoup--I sound totally judgmental in my original post, and I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to imply that your marriage is any less of a marriage if you are apart, I don't believe that. (And even if I did, my opinion doesn't REALLY matter, anyway!) I'm sorry if my post made a painful situation hurt a little bit more for you, I really didn't mean to do that.

I think this thread is strong evidence that people's views on relationships and careers vary widely, and that is OKAY.

You ask what I would do if I were in your shoes. I would either figure out a way to be together, or postpone our marriage for two years. This is what *I* would do, that doesn't mean I think *you* should do this. I just wouldn't want to begin my marriage by living apart, and that is OKAY for me to have this opinion, just as it is OKAY for others to disagree. In an effort to be together, I would do this: I would sit down with my FI and have a frank discussion about our careers, and choose which of the two we wanted to focus on first. It would be difficult, and it would mean that one of us would be putting aside our career ambitions in order to support the other. In your case, I would probably move to be with your FI in MD, and I would get a job doing anything that would bring in some money. I know you said that you can't survive if you move there because you couldn't work in your field, but I imagine you could work in some field. I would apply for jobs and take the best one that came along. (AGAIN: I don't think this is what YOU should do, I'm just answering your question about what I would do.)

As for the comments about prioritizing, I think the way we view others' choices is so colored by our own values that only you know what you prioritize most in your life. As an outsider, it would appear to me that you're putting your career before your relationship, which by the way is a perfectly fine thing to do. That doesn't mean you really ARE putting it first, it's just they way that I interpret that choice based on my own opinions and my own ideas about how I want to live my life. I have a wonderful career as an English professor in a community college, but I would give it up if DH suddenly had to move and I couldn't find a FT position in his new location. But that is JUST ME, and just the way *I* would handle this sort of thing.

There really is no right or wrong, here, and I strongly believe that two people who make a decision together and commit to making it work can and WILL make it work, no matter the situation.

I know this is no help at all. I'm sorry that you're facing this difficult situation. Circe gave you some awesome ideas about how to compensate for all that distance, and I think that as long as you're happy with your decision and you and your FI are on the same page, you will make it work. Two years goes by awfully fast, anyway, it really does. If I were in a long-distance relationship, I would invest in a good video camera for my computer so I could use Skype, and I'd buy my SO a set of stationery with directions to write love letters regularly.

I wish you the best. I don't envy you this difficult decision, but it's clear that you are level-headed and committed to making this work, and so I have every confidence that in the end, it will all be wonderful. Big hugs to you.

 

[hot.soup]

I haven't had time to read through all of your posts, but I did notice that several of you asked why we are getting married at this particular point in time instead of waiting till we are together.

Our wedding had been planned, booked and paid for long before we ran into this trouble with jobs. We had fully planned on relocating to my FI's post doc would be a long time ago. We never could have imagined how difficult it is to find a job in my field. There was still jobs a year or so ago when I first began my research, it has now completely dried up.

So with everything booked and paid for, it just doesn't make sense to forfeit everything. In the end we still want to be married. If I had a big ole' glass ball and could have forseen all of this, I would have liked to wait till we were able to be together. (Well, I would have known which lotto numbers to pick to avoid ever having to worry about money again, but I digress.)

On a side note, if my FI decided to move down there permanently (the jobs in his field are more plentiful there), being married will be make it a lot easier for me to relocate down with him, legally speaking. I wouldn't be going down there under NAFTA so I could work whatever job and we would be together.

To the poster who said that they would rather be homeless than apart from their spouse: Your response made me snort. Though I applaud your strength of your convictions, I doubt you truly understand what it would be like to choose to be homeless.

 

[mayerling]

.

Our wedding had been planned, booked and paid for long before we ran into this trouble with jobs. We had fully planned on relocating to my FI's post doc would be a long time ago. We never could have imagined how difficult it is to find a job in my field. There was still jobs a year or so ago when I first began my research, it has now completely dried up.

On a side note, if my FI decided to move down there permanently (the jobs in his field are more plentiful there), being married will be make it a lot easier for me to relocate down with him, legally speaking. I wouldn't be going down there under NAFTA so I could work whatever job and we would be together.

I understand better now. Please disregard what I said. I think you're making the right decision based on the circumstances.

 

[Octavia]

You ask what I would do if I were in your shoes. I would either figure out a way to be together, or postpone our marriage for two years. This is what *I* would do, that doesn't mean I think *you* should do this. I just wouldn't want to begin my marriage by living apart, and that is OKAY for me to have this opinion, just as it is OKAY for others to disagree. In an effort to be together, I would do this: I would sit down with my FI and have a frank discussion about our careers, and choose which of the two we wanted to focus on first. It would be difficult, and it would mean that one of us would be putting aside our career ambitions in order to support the other. In your case, I would probably move to be with your FI in MD, and I would get a job doing anything that would bring in some money. I know you said that you can't survive if you move there because you couldn't work in your field, but I imagine you could work in some field. I would apply for jobs and take the best one that came along. (AGAIN: I don't think this is what YOU should do, I'm just answering your question about what I would do.)

Thing is, the OP has made clear that she can't do this. She isn't a citizen and doesn't have work authorization, so it's not like she can just take any old job for awhile (leaving aside the fact that jobs aren't exactly coming out of the woodwork). It's either finding a job in her field because she could get work authorization for that (and apparently this is not an option) or not working. I guess, depending on what sort of visa her fiancé is here on, she might be able to get a work permit after they are married, but that would likely take awhile -- so it might not even be worth it for only two years. I know that personally, I would not want to give up my career to move to a new city and go stir crazy with boredom for a couple years, lose my professional certifications, and then try to get back into the field when it's time to move again in a couple years. I wouldn't want my husband to ask that of me, either, particularly if we expected me to maintain my career during our marriage (as in, we didn't have an agreement that I would become a SAHM when we had kids, or something like that).

As an aside, I'm surprised at all the people who have said things about hot.soup putting her career before her marriage but nothing the fact that her fiancé, in applying for and accepting a postdoc in a place she had no real hope of going, did exactly the same thing. Seems a little unfair to her...

 

[Haven]

Octavia--HotSoup asked me what I would do if I were in her situation, and I answered her by sharing what *I* would do. That's all. If I couldn't get a job in his area, and if I we then had to remain apart, I wouldn't marry him yet. I shared that bit in my response, as well.

Besides, HotSoup's most recent response makes it clear that she COULD move to be with her FI and get a job there once they are married:

"On a side note, if my FI decided to move down there permanently (the jobs in his field are more plentiful there), being married will be make it a lot easier for me to relocate down with him, legally speaking. I wouldn't be going down there under NAFTA so I could work whatever job and we would be together."

 

[slg47]

ok, I didn't realize that the wedding had already been paid for.

Octavia I would agree that her fiance put his career over their marriage by going to a place in which she could not get a job.

at some point it seems there will have to be a compromise...are you two ready for that?

 

[basil]

H.S. - I had a long distance marriage. We were long distance for 3 years total. 3 months as BF/GF, 2 years as FI/FI and then 9 months as husband/wife. We weren't apart as far as you are, though, but the principle is the same when you aren't seeing each other every night.

We were in a similar situation with our jobs..we had both committed 2 years ahead to be in our respective cities for medical residencies/fellowships, and you can't exactly just quit and expect to just pick up another one. I suppose one of us could have given up our career almost entirely, and therefore place our marriage first, but to what end?

The things we did to keep close to each other was to talk every night, even if we didn't have anything particularly exciting to say. We got bluetooth headsets and that way we could move around the house and do the dishes, cook dinner, whatever activity we would normally be doing while talking to the other person. Sharing the day-to-day stuff really made us feel closer, I think. We watched TV and movies "together" too through the headsets. Skype was fun for a time but we didn't really like sitting and staring at each other. Cause we don't often do that now that we live together either!

We planned "rendezvous" in places that were partway between to keep things fun and exciting. Those were some of the best weekends even if they were in places that aren't typically tourist destinations (i.e. Scranton, PA). We would see if we could convince the hotel staff that we were having an extramarital affair

At this point, I wouldn't choose to live long distance again, but I have no regrets. In retrospect, it wasn't that bad! We live together now and we have a dog and we're expecting our first child in July. I think I would have resented giving up my career "for him" though, and I know I would have felt very guilty if he'd done it for me. I don't think our marriage suffered - in fact I think we are stronger as a result - but YMMV, obviously.

 

[hot.soup]

Haven: You've misunderstood my post. Octavia has it correct. I can NOT move down to the US currently and work any job other the one in my field whether I am married or not. Under NAFTA I only have work authorization to work a job in my field. My fiance is down there with a NAFTA visa as well.

I meant that marriage would make it easier for me legally to move down because while applying for citizenship, my application would be "attached" to his as a spouse. As a citizen, I would then be able to work ANY job instead of just a job in my field. This is not the case currently.

I have noticed a couple of posters saying that it was unfair that my FI picked a place where I couldn't find a job. Before my FI accepted the post doc about 1.5 years ago, we researched job opportunities in my field in the area and though they weren't plentiful, they existed. Fast forward to now and they are non existent.

I love all of the tips and tricks you have shared to keep connected to your SOs. Please keep those coming!

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Hey, I just wanted to say it is hard, but for the right person you can make it work.

My mother was in a long distance relationship with her husband for 4 years. They lived in different states when they met and both had jobs they could not leave (she had an established practice and he was 3 years away from retirement as a teacher). I think they were married the last 2 years of it and than finally settled together. They hae regular phone conversations, visits every couple months, and a plan in place for when they would be together. It got foiled once (he had to teach and extra year to get the retirement pension) but it worked out.

I am currently in a long distance marriage. It is not as bad as what you are talking about. We live 150 miles apart. Everyone assumed we would live together once we got married and live half way. I don't think either of us plan on drive 160 miles round trip daily to live together, we love each other....but we have better things to do with our time. After being long distance for a year and a half, my husband just got a job that will allow him to work remote. So maybe now we will graduate to being a married couple where one person travels a lot? But I can't picture myself with anyone else.

I can tell you lots more stories of couples in your situation who have made it work, one for as many as 4 years!

I think to make it work you need to be ready for the fact that it will be hard, make time for each other when you are apart, and have a plan in place to living together in the future.

It is a challenging situation, but please realize you are not alone in this situation and it is more typical than it seems.

 

[Haven]

Haven: You've misunderstood my post. Octavia has it correct. I can NOT move down to the US currently and work any job other the one in my field whether I am married or not. Under NAFTA I only have work authorization to work a job in my field. My fiance is down there with a NAFTA visa as well.

I meant that marriage would make it easier for me legally to move down because while applying for citizenship, my application would be "attached" to his as a spouse. As a citizen, I would then be able to work ANY job instead of just a job in my field. This is not the case currently.

I have noticed a couple of posters saying that it was unfair that my FI picked a place where I couldn't find a job. Before my FI accepted the post doc about 1.5 years ago, we researched job opportunities in my field in the area and though they weren't plentiful, they existed. Fast forward to now and they are non existent.

I love all of the tips and tricks you have shared to keep connected to your SOs. Please keep those coming!

Sorry for misunderstanding.

I'm not convinced *my* opinion matters enough to be upsetting anyone, anyway. All I was trying to say was that *I* would want to be together, or I'd wait to marry. But it doesn't matter! What YOU want matters. This is your life. I only offered my response because you asked for it.

I hope you and your FI can figure out ways to make those two years go by very quickly. AND, once he's finished with his post-doc, I really hope you can find jobs near each other and that you'll never have to worry about being apart again.

 

[Octavia]

I have noticed a couple of posters saying that it was unfair that my FI picked a place where I couldn't find a job. Before my FI accepted the post doc about 1.5 years ago, we researched job opportunities in my field in the area and though they weren't plentiful, they existed. Fast forward to now and they are non existent.

Sorry, hs, I didn't mean that it was unfair of your fiancé. I meant that the tone of some posts was that you are the one putting career before spouse, where really, it seems like something both of you have to do for the time being. Maybe I misread the posts, but I dislike the implication that your career is somehow less valuable and can be trashed for the sake of his, when it clearly is something you studied for and don't want to give up lightly.

Haven, I also didn't necessarily want to single you out, I just wanted to point out that it wasn't a case of "good job here versus crappy job with hubby" but really a case of having a job versus being prohibited from having one (for quite awhile, at least). Your post was just the most quotable

 

[GingerP]

I don't post often, and when I do I try to be objective, but some of the comments on this thread are preposterous, narrow-minded, and generally unhelpful. I couldn't even get through all of them. Maybe this is too personal to me, so I apologize for being as judgmental as others. Having said that, I do believe this arrangement you are embarking upon can be difficult and is not for everybody.

A little background: My husband and I dated for ~6 years before marrying. About 10 months after we married, we decided to move to the opposite coast, except I moved first. Our intent was to not be apart for more than 3-6 months, which turned into 1.25 years. The obvious differences between your situation and mine are that my husband and I remained in the same country, I had a job that was flexible so I was able to see my husband every ~2-3 months, and my husband and I did not "have" to be apart (it was completely our choice) <insert shock here>. Most of the people in our lives were restrained enough to not be too outwardly critical, but you could see it in their faces or hear it in their paused breaths. We got the "I know I couldn't do it" and "but you just got married" every now and then. To those closer to me, I was open to discussing it because I understood the trepidation. So, I empathize with you.

Going through this obviously won't be easy, but it was not as hard as I thought it would be. My suggestions would be:
1) Be honest/realistic with yourself/each other. Do either of you get jealous easily? Are you prone to being insecure or resentful? How will you feel when you can't get a hold of each other immediately? How often do you need to communicate daily? How do you handle stress and how will that change? Assess your personalities, strengths, and weaknesses.
2) Plan thoroughly, but be flexible. Based upon the above, create a plan of action. What are the real risks to your relationship and how will you mitigate them? What methods will you use to communicate? How will you manage the time difference? How often will you visit each other, and what is your budget? If things don't go according to plan, allow yourselves leniency to adjust and re-adjust as necessary.
3) Communicate your feelings thoroughly but cautiously. Discuss your reservations and needs in depth so that you can be proactive and prevent issues before they arise, or at least reduce them. If you hit a rough spot while apart, by all means vent and talk it out until you feel better or resolve issues; however, be careful that frequent complaints can facilitate negativity/resentment. If possible, analyze whether your feelings are short-term or long-term and choose your words wisely. Don't hold too much in, but don't let your emotions get the best of you. Balance here is key.
4) Assess and re-assess. Be aware of each other's feelings as you go. Set milestones...say every few months...to see where you both are emotionally and how you are handling the situation. Do you need to adjust your plan?
5) Know your limits. Can you handle 3 more months of this? Six months? A year? Again, be realistic and flexible. If at any point you cannot handle being apart, don't do it any longer.
6) Miscellaneous. Skype was our friend...try some kind of video chat. I sent my husband "love" notes through mail a couple times; my husband sent me flowers a couple times...appreciate each other in little ways. I do think it's important to visit each other at least once every 6 months; more frequently if possible...even if just a long weekend. I know it's a little pricey for you, but it's worth it.

Questions: Can you forego the honeymoon or other vacation days for the wedding or negotiate pre-planned time off (even if unpaid) into your contract at the new job? If you work hard and gain their trust, would they allow you to telecommute once every 3 months or so after you have been at the job for a year? What does your certification require; if you are apart for a year and join him for the second year, can you maintain your certification?

Again, this arrangement will not work for everybody. My husband and I didn't know if it would work for us. We did our best to analyze the situation and ultimately felt the benefits outweighed the risks. To us, marriage is about much more than just love. It's about long-term stability, supporting each other as a couple and as individuals, strengthening our foundation in all ways possible, and facing and overcoming challenges together. We recognized that marriage is as much a mental commitment as a physical one, if not more. In the end, we saw it as an investment in our future, not a detriment, so we committed ourselves to making it work. We had a united and positive perspective. If at any point the balance started tilting to the negative, if we were no longer on the same page, we were willing to compromise, course-correct, and change our plans because our marriage does take priority.

If your situation were permanent, I would probably question the arrangement as well, but there is an end in sight. Since you two were in a long-distance relationship before, I think you will have an advantage to get through this hurdle. Meanwhile, keep an eye out for opportunities where your husband is. Maybe you'll be able to join him in a year.

Sorry for the long post. Hopefully it makes sense. I didn't say what I wanted in the way I wanted, but my head is jumbled today. Please feel free to ask questions if you think I can be of any help. Good luck!