Long Distance Marriage?

[hot.soup]

I would love to hear all of your experiences, stories and tips with long distance relationships. Or if you notice a "DUH" moment (something I haven't had the sense to do that would improve my situation below), please tell me.

In our 6 year relationship, we -my fiance and I- have had to do long distance for about 3 of those years because of school. Granted, those three years weren't too bad, I was only about an hour plane ride away, so I saw him at least once a month for 3 or 4 days, plus I had May to August off.

After school, we got engaged, planned a wedding and I was excited to follow him down to MD, where he's doing a post-doc for 2 years. But then I couldn't find a job in my field in Baltimore. I couldn't find a job in my field in the areas surrounding MD. He postponed his start date in hopes I could find something, but I couldn't. The job market in my field is almost non-existent. The occasional position that opens up is looking for something with years more experience than I have. After almost 9 months of looking, I was offered a job in Canada (where we are from). I accepted. The plan is that he'll join me once he finishes his post-doc in 2 years.

I know I should be grateful I have a job, and I am. Being unemployed is awful. We need the dual income. His job definitely doesn't make enough to support the both of us if I were to move down with him. I also can't move down temporarily to the States and work anything besides my profession because I'd be moving down there under NAFTA. Plus, the longer I'm out of work, the harder it will be for me to get a job in the future. I'd lose my certification after a couple of years.

But the prospect of this long distance marriage scares the cr@p out of me, and makes me feel a bit like the universe is conspiring against us being together. (I know it's not, but 8 year relationship where 5 of those years is long distance sucks.) He'll be a 9 hour connecting flight away, which costs around $1, 544 CAD according to expedia. I can't pop in and visit him every 3 weeks. I don't have 3 months of vacation a year to see him, I have two weeks and they are already used up for our upcoming wedding- which now seems like a joke because as my well meaning co-worker said to me: "What kind of marriage is that? You don't even live in the same country!"

I'm sorry if I sound like a brat; I know that he's not in active combat or anything like that. Military families are amazing and I have nothing but respect for them.

Thanks for "listening" guys, I know that was long.

 

[mayerling]

I don't know what to say, except hugs.

The only thing I can think of is that maybe he should forego the postdoc and move back to Canada with you. With both of you being Canadian citizens you won't be restricted with respect to what kind of jobs you can do and you'll be together.

 

[Jennifer W]

I'm so sorry you're feeling anxious over the situation. I can totally understand why, it's daunting when you write it down! I've never been in the situation long term so take what I say with a grain of salt, but you do seem like you'll be able to do this. It's unusual, but you and your Fi are a unique couple and you have your own coping strategies.

Your co-worker was being a) thoughtless b)spiteful or b) stoopid when she made these comments. I think that people react to anything that's different to their own situation, and assume theirs is the norm, meaning the different one is wrong / less / strange etc.

What kind of marriage is that? Well, it's YOUR marriage. It's one that's starting off on a different footing to many (although by no means all - people in the Armed Forces deal with this every day of the week, for example) and it's one that will be as happy and successful as you both make it (same as every other marriage).

Also, you won't be living long distance forever, so while there will be difficult moments, I'd enjoy the romance and excitement of this situation and make the most of the time together before you settle into day in day out cohabitation... I love my husband very much indeed, but one of the most fun times in out marriage was when he worked in another country for a while, and we visited each other. That's pretty much why we have a toddler now.

Good luck.

Jen

 

[JewelFreak]

DH and I had a long-distance marriage for a year -- me on the east coast, he in San Francisco. You've already got us beat, hands down! We saw each other maybe 4 times in that year -- usually when we were both on business overseas & could schedule a brief meet-up. Won't say it wasn't lonely, but we weathered it okay. I will say there are advantages: we never argued in that time!

The main thing that makes distance relationships work is commitment & obviously you both have it. What's your choice? Not get married? That would make you a million times more miserable. So go for it with anticipation for & faith in the future you're making! You sound like a very well matched pair!

--- Laurie

 

[Missy]

That can be a difficult situation but I agree that if you are both committed to making it work it certainly will! I also really like what Laurie said regarding the alternative. You don't want to *not* be married.

Unfortunately the economics of the time we are in combined with the scarcity of good jobs are just providing you with less options. You can make this a temporary but romantic way to be married for 2 years. Romantic in that you can write letters, have real quality phone conversations (and other stuff ) and just have time to miss each other.

The 2 years will fly by (believe me they will) and before you know it you guys will be together all the time and this period will be a distant memory!

 

[slg47]

interestingly, my FI (who is a postdoc) has a colleague who is in a long distance marriage.

I think some people can make it work and some people really struggle. It sounds like you guys have been able to make it work. FI's brother was in a long distance relationship for 4 years before they got married.

I think it just depends on what you prioritize...being together or your careers? Personally after being apart from my FI for one year...I don't want to be without him. Will he be able to move to canada after his postdoc is over?

 

[DivaDiamond007]

"What kind of marriage is that? You don't even live in the same country!"

Sorry, but this is how I feel. My SIL and her DH did the long distance "marriage" thing for just over a year and it didn't work out too well for them. He was able to fly out to see her every couple of weeks but they are still having problems and I know that she's in therapy.

To me, it just doesn't make sense to marry someone only to live apart. That's not a marriage, it's a relationship and I think there's a big difference between the two.

 

[Haven]

I don't know anyone who has tried this and made it work, but that does NOT mean that it can't work.

My personal opinion on this is that I don't understand why two people would marry if they aren't ready to commit to being together. My sister was facing a potential situation much like yours, and as she is my sister and my best friend and I love her, I was honest when she asked what I thought about it and told her what I just wrote to you. In the end her fiance decided to move to be with her once they're married, and of course I thought that was the best outcome.

If I were facing your very difficult situation, I'd take some time to consider all of the possibilities in which we could end up being together once married. I agree with Sig that it depends on your priorities, so I suppose you know which I prioritize.

All that being said, if you want to be married even though you won't be living together, go for it. As long as the two of YOU believe in what you're doing, you can make it work. Good luck.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

I don't see this as being much different than military families. In your case you're very lucky to always know that your loved one is safe and just a phone call away. My inlaws lived in the same house and almost never saw each other during FIL's residency at med school. MIL was pregnant with DH and after DH was born he would work days, she would go to the hospital with DH, give him to FIL and then FIL would take him home and MIL would work the night shift as a nurse. Come morning, same routine. 10 mins a day tops plus one day a weekend is what they would see of each other. My point is, whether you're in the same house or miles apart, marriage and relationships can be very difficult but if you're committed to each then you can make it work.

 

[sillyberry]

I don't know. In my case, my FI and I are currently long-distance and have been since September. We're getting married in May, going on a minimoon, and then will continue to be apart for the next few months before moving to a third city together. None of this is our preference, but we each have some obligations that made being together not feasible. It definitely isn't how we intended for things to work out, but sometimes life isn't what we intend.

My best friend got married in August, then in May had a great opportunity to do some campaign work and thus moved away from her husband for the next 7 months. They missed each other like crazy, and fortunately had a bit more luxury to see each other regularly than you would, but I definitely don't think it meant they were any less committed to one another or prioritized things before their relationship.

I think you do what you do. Sweetly tell your coworker you would take this marriage, inconvenient as it may be, over any other possibility out there.

ETA: for those who think this is a bad idea - what would you recommend they do? In all sincerity, I'm not sure what the other options are. Best I can tell, he could not do his post-doc, but then getting a teaching job would probably be impossible. She could not work and live with him, but then there are the financial problems due to being a Canadian citizen. Or they could not get married.

As much as a long-distance marriage sucks, I think each of those might suck worse.

 

[yssie]

"What kind of marriage is that? You don't even live in the same country!"

Sorry, but this is how I feel. My SIL and her DH did the long distance "marriage" thing for just over a year and it didn't work out too well for them. He was able to fly out to see her every couple of weeks but they are still having problems and I know that she's in therapy.

To me, it just doesn't make sense to marry someone only to live apart. That's not a marriage, it's a relationship and I think there's a big difference between the two.

So I suppose thousands of long-distance military couples are in 'relationships', not marriages?

Or is that different because it's not their choice, just the unfortunate nature of job obligations, and having to make the best of circumstances because those two people would rather be married and apart than unmarried and apart, or unemployed and together and unable to make ends meet - oh, wait..


My parents were married and separated by oceans for many years. They didn't want to be apart, but circumstance made it necessary - and they made it work, because they *both wanted* to make it work. They just celebrated their 26th wedding anniversary.

Yes, it'll be miserable. But I absolutely believe that you can make it work, if you both have the same goals and visions for being together again - I've seen proof of that.

 

[iheartscience]

Is there any way he could shorten his post-doc and just do 1 year? Or get a different post-doc either in Canada or even just closer to Canada?

My main concern would be what happens when he finishes his post-doc. What if he can't get a job near you in Canada? There should be a stopping point where your relationship comes before jobs. Normally that would be marriage for most couples.

What a tough situation...I personally couldn't do it, but it doesn't seem like you two have too many other options aside from breaking up, which of course it's clear you don't want.

 

[Trekkie]

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

I just want to ditto the others who said it will be difficult but you'll get through it. Thousands of families do this every day. If you really want to make it work, it will.

Besides, it's not forever. It's only two years.

I know many couples who have done long distance at some point during their marriage. In fact, my former neighbour has just returned to South Africa after working in Dubai for four years. During that time they paid off their house and saved enough to put their 2 children and niece through university. He told me last night that it was very, very difficult, but he kept his mind focused on their goals and that helped them get through it.

Anyone who thinks that a family going through this isn't really married doesn't know what they are talking about.

At the risk of sounding patronising, I want to congratulate you on making such a forward thinking decision. This is a sacrifice you and your FI are making today for the life you want in the future. I wish more people our age were able to think like this.

 

[Indylady]

To me, it just doesn't make sense to marry someone only to live apart. That's not a marriage, it's a relationship and I think there's a big difference between the two.

WOW--now that is bold.

You're kidding me, right?

 

[hot.soup]

This sounds positively silly, but when I clicked on the topic link to read all of your responses just now, I was really really hoping that one of you had miraculously found a solution that would let my FI and I move together and live happily ever after. I just keep thinking there is SOMETHING I could do that would keep us together physically, but I know there isn't.

Jennifer, JewelFreak, Missy, Sparkly, SIllyberry, Trekkie and Yessie: Thanks for the well wishes. Your stories give me hope. I know it'll be tough, but it makes me feel better to know that relationships have survived worse.

Yssie: 4 years of LD over an ocean and a 26th anniversary. Congratulations to them!

Mayerling and thing2of2: My FI's post doc will greatly impact his future career prospects. Without the post doc, most companies/schools won't even look at him. Getting a shorter post doc or a different one closer to me isn't an option either. In his field it is a 2-3 year commitment, they just don't come shorter. The person he has the post doc will is a leader is his field and this will also give FI a leg up when looking for a job in the future. If he bailed on this opportunity, he wouldn't be able to find a job in his field, and another post doc would take months to find and wouldn't necessarily be anywhere closer to me.

Sillyberry: Good luck with your upcoming move and congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

slg47, Divadiamond and Haven: I appreciate your honesty. I want to admit that I'm a little sad that the opinion seems to be that I've prioritized work over my marriage. Love is wonderful and being with my FI is all I want, but I can't pay student loans, bills, rent, put food on the table with love. We can't live off of his income solely, and if he gives up this post doc for me, we would be able to survive of my income alone, but that just delays the inevitable. He still needs to do a post doc to find a job and there isn't even a university in the small town I'm working in. I can't find a job in my field in the States, but if I could move in with him and work in McD's I would, but I can only work my NAFTA profession down in the US so I can't even do that. So please tell me, how should I prioritize marriage over everything else but still survive? I'm not being sarcastic, now that you've heard the basics of my situation, what would you do if you were in my shoes?

Divadiamond: You are absolutely entitled to your opinion that a long distance marriage is not an ideal situation and that you would personally never attempt one, but please don't trivialize my marriage. That's exactly what it'll be: a marriage.

 

[makemepretty]

I've been married 20 years this year. At the most, we've spent a week apart when he HAD to leave the state for work and even then he came home on the weekend, if it had been any longer we would have moved to be by his work. Marriage is more than a piece of paper to me, it's being together and having a relationship and it's hard work but worth it. I do understand having to be apart sometimes but what you describe to me is not living with your spouse, for years. To each their own but it sounds so extremely selfish to me that two people put money/careers ahead of a marriage(although it sounds like you've been doing all the work to keep this relationship going). Does anyone on their death bed ever wish they had worked more or had more money or do they wish they had spent more time with loved ones?

Then again, I have the kind of love where if one of us died, the other would follow shortly after from a broken heart. My husband has already left instructions that when our time comes he wants our ashes combined. Actually, if you can spend years apart and be fine with it, you're missing out on something wonderful. There is a type of love out there that makes life worth living, gives you a best friend and someone to count on(how can you count on someone you hardly ever see?). We'd be homeless together rather then spend 2 years apart. Life is shorter than you think, don't waste too much of it waiting.

 

[mayerling]

I've already posted a comment but I want to say more.

If you are not going to be living together for a few years, why get married? You already have a great relationship, as you say; can't you keep it like that until you're ready to settle down together? For me, marriage affirms a lifetime commitment, but it's also a step towards other things like family, financial security, etc. It doesn't sound like you'll be able to have any of that for a while, so I really don't see why you need to get married right now (Please ignore this if the desire for a lifetime commitment is so imperative that you feel you absolutely have to get married right now).

Also, I'm an academic so I definitely get where you're coming from in terms of needing to do the postdoc to have any chances of survival in this "business". I completely understand that. And I'm not saying your fiance has to sacrifice that. But I think it's important that one of you does if marriage is the number one priority. In my relationship, I'm the one doing that. I'm most likely going to leave academia in the coming year because it's very difficult for us to find academic jobs at the same place, so I'm going to find something else. He'll stay in academia. Now, the crucial difference here is that I can find alternative work in the UK. As an EU citizen, I can work anywhere in the EU I please. However, if it was the case that I was not allowed to work here and had to move back home, I'd like to think that my fiance would put our marriage first and move back with me even if it meant getting out of academia and sacrificing his career...

Anyway, I don't want to make you feel bad and please don't go by me. I think I'm pretty unusual anyway. I didn't even see the point in getting engaged until we were able to start living together. I thought if we're just going to live apart we might as well carry on as before.

Having said all this, I wish you and your fiance the best and, as a hopeless romantic, I think when two people want to make something work they probably will.

 

[JewelFreak]

Well, poor ole H.S, you've gotten opinions all over the map -- take your pick! LOL.

When I have a hard decision to make, I imagine myself when I'm old: looking back at a long life, how will what I do now look to me? Provides a tiny bit of perspective.

You have the common problem in these days of scarce jobs -- work isn't available everywhere, complicated by your nationality constraints. Sounds like FI is in the very best program for a solid future -- and new marriage is all about future. It's impossible for you to work nearby, much as you want to -- and nothing can make the truest of loves founder like poverty. Especially when one party sacrificed something of core importance for it.

A few times during our enforced separation I phoned DH & moaned, "This is too hard, I'm thinking of quitting & coming home." He straightened me out cheerfully: "Don't give up now. This is an investment in our future!" Your situation truly fits that.

Nobody else's opinion matters. It's you & FI who matter, and every relationship is unique. He sounds as committed to you as you are to him. It's not forever -- there is a definite time it will end, so each month brings you closer. Also, happy surprises have a way of occurring -- you may find ways to be together more often that aren't apparent now. Basically, will your love survive 2 yrs in different places? Will your lives be better for the foundation you establish thereby? That's what you want to answer when you look back as a wise old lady.

--- Laurie

 

[Miss Sparkly]

I agree with Jewelfreak. I gave up the school that I loved, my family and by best friends to move with DH to a better city with more jobs (his home city). It took about four years (we've been married five and a half) before I finally stopped resenting him for what I gave up.

To say that you would die of a broken heart without your love sounds like you don't have your own life and are maybe just a bit too attached. Then again, everybody has their own relationships and what is right for them. If you do what is right for you then you can make it work.

 

[mrscushion]

You have the common problem in these days of scarce jobs -- work isn't available everywhere, complicated by your nationality constraints. Sounds like FI is in the very best program for a solid future -- and new marriage is all about future. It's impossible for you to work nearby, much as you want to -- and nothing can make the truest of loves founder like poverty. Especially when one party sacrificed something of core importance for it.

Ditto JewelFreak. Financial instability and possible (even likely) resentment are the other side to the story. I think you two are making the right decision. It will be very difficult, no doubt. Two years is a very long time to be apart. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Novel]

Hot.soup, I want to wish you luck. My SO and I have been doing long distance for more than half of our 5 year relationship, some of it USA to Germany/Lithuania. I know its not a marriage, but for the past three years we've lived together one semester and apart the next (he is in academia). And the one thing I can say, is that you guys have an expiration to your long distance status, and this is really important, as I see it. You're not having a open ended or permanent long distance arrangement. For the next two years, you'll live in different places and then you can work to live together.

I don't think you're prioritizing your career over your relationship any more than he is. This is a step you have to go to so you guys can have the life you want, as Laurie said. And there is nothing wrong with that.

 

[Circe]

hot.soup (btw, does your name come from Ender's Game? cracks me up every time I see it), I'm not exactly in your situation ... but I can definitely empathize. My husband went into consulting very shortly after we got married, and what that means, practically speaking, is that we spend more time apart than we do together - he's home on the weekends, but during the week he can be anywhere. On some assignments, we go a month or more without seeing one another. It is hard, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise ... but it can be worth it, too. We have more financial security now than we did before, in spades, and we do look at it as a sacrifice we're making for the future.

On my end, I gave up a tenure-track job so he could come home on weekends: if I hadn't, we'd be seeing one another on major holidays. Given my personality type, I think that would have been more of a strain on the relationship. With this, I raged and spat for a while, mostly because in my head it was a part-time marriage, not the norm, not good enough, etc. And then I tried living it, and ... it really wasn't that bad. Who knows? Maybe the more long-term thing would have worked, too: I think it's completely and totally dependent upon the individual personality types, as well as in how you approach it.

Practical ways to survive: video-chat is your friend. Talking on the phone is awesome, don't get me wrong, but actually seeing your loved one's face is better. Normal IM or g-chat or whatever is a lifesaver, too: I almost always have a window up so my husband and I can trade bon mots throughout the day, and feel connected. When you do have time together, try to make it count: for us, sadly, the practical result is that our social lives drop on weekends (worse for my husband than me, since I still see friends during the week), but we do stay bonded and in touch because, hey, we may cram it in, but we probably get as much face-time as normal people who see one another every day for dinner and then hang with friends on weekends. Do nice things for each other, like, really nice things: my husband's gotten v. generous with the presents, which, love-language-wise, is how I roll (though, to be fair, given the greater financial security and his basically generous personality, I think he would have been doing that even if we saw one another every day); in turn, I try to plan the kinds of surprises and activities that he likes. And think about counseling, alone or together: it can be really useful in articulating how you feel, and maybe short-circuiting problematic behaviors before they become huge issues in the relationship.

I don't know what field your husband will be in, but if he needs a post-doc, I'm guessing sciences by way of academia. My husband started out there, too, so, a note; these days, a post-doc can stretch into two post-docs almost as a matter of course, and even after that, a job in academia is in no way guaranteed. Industry is much easier, but, still ... getting more competitive every day. It is possible to transfer a post-doc, though you lose some time: I'd genuinely recommend he keep looking for something closer to you, if you have labor restrictions that prevent you from coming to the US. And given that you don't know how long it will take, I'd also recommend he put the wheels in order to get the kind of papers that would eventually allow him to bring a spouse over. You really can't start these things too soon.

 

[Circe]

I've been married 20 years this year. At the most, we've spent a week apart when he HAD to leave the state for work and even then he came home on the weekend, if it had been any longer we would have moved to be by his work. Marriage is more than a piece of paper to me, it's being together and having a relationship and it's hard work but worth it. I do understand having to be apart sometimes but what you describe to me is not living with your spouse, for years. To each their own but it sounds so extremely selfish to me that two people put money/careers ahead of a marriage(although it sounds like you've been doing all the work to keep this relationship going). Does anyone on their death bed ever wish they had worked more or had more money or do they wish they had spent more time with loved ones?

Then again, I have the kind of love where if one of us died, the other would follow shortly after from a broken heart. My husband has already left instructions that when our time comes he wants our ashes combined. Actually, if you can spend years apart and be fine with it, you're missing out on something wonderful. There is a type of love out there that makes life worth living, gives you a best friend and someone to count on(how can you count on someone you hardly ever see?). We'd be homeless together rather then spend 2 years apart. Life is shorter than you think, don't waste too much of it waiting.

I know this is well intentioned, but it comes off a little ... gloating and judgmental, frankly. There are different kinds of love out there: people start out at different places, possess different personalities, and have different needs. Frankly, I'm sure there are people who regret the sacrifice of their ambitions on their deathbeds: wonder why they condemned themselves to poverty by making the wrong choices; find themselves let down by loved ones.

There's nothing wrong in the solution you've found, but it seems to be predicated on a number of baselines that just don't apply here, like, say, moving to be by his work and not yours, with the apparent assumption that he either makes enough to support you both, or you would be able to find a job there. That said, there's nothing wrong with the alternatives, either. You might want to think twice before proclaiming such facile absolutes with such certainty.

 

[rubybeth]

hot.soup, I feel for you! My DH went on an AmeriCorps trip to Alaska for nearly 7 mos. while we were in the early stages of our relationship (only been dating for 5 mos. before he left). It sucked, but we made it work with regular phone calls. We didn't have video chat since he was literally camping for that entire time, but I do video iChat with my sister who's in another state for grad school and it helps to see her while we talk. I think it's totally do-able, especially since you know there's an ending date for his program.

Military families deal with this, but I've heard it's also somewhat common for professors married to professors, since they often have to be at different institutions for their research. Your co-worker was thoughtless in her comments. I have a cousin who dated his now-wife long distance for the entire time she was in undergrad (4 years) and then he committed to moving wherever she got into grad school. I don't think they took their time together for granted or argued much during that entire time.

 

[makemepretty]

I think a 20 year marriage is something to be extremely proud of, I'm not gloating, it's hard work...compromise...love...selflessness on both parties on different occasions(try living without working plumbing for a bit and see how much you enjoy each other ;0). I have seen far too many people marry for the wrong reasons and become miserable. One poster said that to say you'd die of a broken heart if one of you passed on is becoming "too attached". Yeah, after 20 years you do kinda get attached to each other but THAT is exactly why so many marriages do not work. There's a "ME" mentality instead of a "WE" mentality in most relationships.

The original poster is free to take advice from any of the posts. From someone who has been married 5 years but resented their spouse for 4 of those, from someone else who has lived apart more than together, from a person who has been happily married for a very long time..... it's up to them.

Things, jobs, money, jewelry..it comes and goes. Love, time with someone you love, should not be wasted, you can't get those years back.

I also have a couple of great kids and yes, I'm attached to them too, enough to say that my heart would shatter if anything happened to them, I love them MORE than life. If someone envies me, it's not for my diamond ring, believe me.

 

[iheartscience]

hot.soup, I definitely don't think you're putting your jobs first out of choice-it's clearly just a necessity right now. Love don't pay the bills! Now that you've explained the post-doc situation it looks like you'll just have to stick it out. Would you feel better if you postponed the wedding until you two were able to live together? Or were closer to being able to live together? Not sure if it would make a difference, but maybe psychologically it would feel better to know you would only be married and living apart for 1 year instead of 2?

I think if I were in your shoes I'd plan out a schedule for your visits and stick to it. Could you financially swing seeing each other 4 times a year? If you each take 1 week off at a time, that's 1 week every 3 months. It's obviously not ideal since you'll both probably have to work some of the days you're visiting each other, but you could try to schedule the visits over a holiday weekend to make the most of it. And if he's in academia will he have a long Winter Break? We got off 2-3 weeks at the university I worked at. The school actually closed so everyone had to be off.

Or (again if you can financially swing it) maybe you could meet in a place midway occasionally so it wouldn't be such a long or expensive flight for either of you. Would flights be cheaper to somewhere between the two of you, taking into account the price of a hotel or even a hostel? So if you're in Canada (I'm assuming the west coast of Canada since it's 9 hours to MD), could you both get flights to say Toronto for less than $1500?

I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I hope you can find a way to make it work without being totally miserable. I would also make sure to have a plan in place for when his post-doc ends. If there are only certain areas you can work in, will he definitely be able to find jobs in those areas? If not, one of you is going to have to change careers if you want to be together. I think you two should lay it all out right now so you're not in the same situation in 2 years.

 

[LadyBlue]

I think a 20 year marriage is something to be extremely proud of, I'm not gloating, it's hard work...compromise...love...selflessness on both parties on different occasions(try living without working plumbing for a bit and see how much you enjoy each other ;0). I have seen far too many people marry for the wrong reasons and become miserable. One poster said that to say you'd die of a broken heart if one of you passed on is becoming "too attached". Yeah, after 20 years you do kinda get attached to each other but THAT is exactly why so many marriages do not work. There's a "ME" mentality instead of a "WE" mentality in most relationships.

The original poster is free to take advice from any of the posts. From someone who has been married 5 years but resented their spouse for 4 of those, from someone else who has lived apart more than together, from a person who has been happily married for a very long time..... it's up to them.

Things, jobs, money, jewelry..it comes and goes. Love, time with someone you love, should not be wasted, you can't get those years back.

I also have a couple of great kids and yes, I'm attached to them too, enough to say that my heart would shatter if anything happened to them, I love them MORE than life. If someone envies me, it's not for my diamond ring, believe me.

I think your relationship is something to be proud about. It definitely works for you. But that does not mean is the law, and your opinion is more important because you succeed. Not everybody would be happy being homeless, or would die of a heart broken. Every person and every couple has different needs, and they should learn to identify them and prioritize them.

I would honestly not be happy if my DH decides to put us on debt, hungrier, lack of shelter just because he would not want to take a job far away from me. That would make me miserable. So your advice would not work for me. That does not mean my opinion is better. It is just different. Because we are different people.

Hot soup. Long distant relationships are hard. I personally did not s succeed one. But I think if you guys can do it without jeopardize the relationship go for it. Because we are talking about two years that would change the way you live the rest of your life. I think is worth it.

 

[slg47]

slg47, Divadiamond and Haven: I appreciate your honesty. I want to admit that I'm a little sad that the opinion seems to be that I've prioritized work over my marriage. Love is wonderful and being with my FI is all I want, but I can't pay student loans, bills, rent, put food on the table with love. We can't live off of his income solely, and if he gives up this post doc for me, we would be able to survive of my income alone, but that just delays the inevitable. He still needs to do a post doc to find a job and there isn't even a university in the small town I'm working in. I can't find a job in my field in the States, but if I could move in with him and work in McD's I would, but I can only work my NAFTA profession down in the US so I can't even do that. So please tell me, how should I prioritize marriage over everything else but still survive? I'm not being sarcastic, now that you've heard the basics of my situation, what would you do if you were in my shoes?

From my perspective, you are putting your work over your marriage. I see nothing wrong with that, people have to decide what is most important. Growing up with divorced parents, I have decided that for me, my future marriage will be more important.

I'm surprised to hear you say you can't live off a postdoc salary...maybe it depends on the field?

I'm with mayerling...why the rush to get married? why not wait until you can actually physically be together?

 

[Circe]

I think a 20 year marriage is something to be extremely proud of, I'm not gloating, it's hard work...compromise...love...selflessness on both parties on different occasions(try living without working plumbing for a bit and see how much you enjoy each other ;0). I have seen far too many people marry for the wrong reasons and become miserable. One poster said that to say you'd die of a broken heart if one of you passed on is becoming "too attached". Yeah, after 20 years you do kinda get attached to each other but THAT is exactly why so many marriages do not work. There's a "ME" mentality instead of a "WE" mentality in most relationships.

The original poster is free to take advice from any of the posts. From someone who has been married 5 years but resented their spouse for 4 of those, from someone else who has lived apart more than together, from a person who has been happily married for a very long time..... it's up to them.

Things, jobs, money, jewelry..it comes and goes. Love, time with someone you love, should not be wasted, you can't get those years back.

I also have a couple of great kids and yes, I'm attached to them too, enough to say that my heart would shatter if anything happened to them, I love them MORE than life. If someone envies me, it's not for my diamond ring, believe me.

A twenty year marriage is something to be very proud of! But that's true no matter how you get there. You got there in the way that's right for you: other people get there using a variety of other paths.

Among of the reasons that I love my husband as much as I do are that he's brilliant and ambitious and forward-thinking. I'm pretty sure he'd say the same about me. If that occasionally complicates our lives by making us want cool job opportunities and takes us off the beaten path ... so be it. If this were an abstract thread, I don't think I'd bother arguing, 'cause, hey, no offense, but your opinion isn't exactly any skin off my nose. But to suggest to another poster that her love is inferior to yours because she's facing different circumstances? Tacky, tacky, tacky.

hot.soup, regardless of whether you choose to postpone the wedding until you can live together to make it the demarcating line between phases of your life, or whether you use that bond as a way to strengthen your union during the period you have to be apart, think of what makes you (collective you) happiest and safest, and not what anybody else might think. At the end of the day, how much do outside opinions really matter?

 

[chemgirl]

Is there any way he could shorten his post-doc and just do 1 year? Or get a different post-doc either in Canada or even just closer to Canada?

My main concern would be what happens when he finishes his post-doc. What if he can't get a job near you in Canada? There should be a stopping point where your relationship comes before jobs. Normally that would be marriage for most couples.

What a tough situation...I personally couldn't do it, but it doesn't seem like you two have too many other options aside from breaking up, which of course it's clear you don't want.

EXACTLY what I was thinking. My main concern would be what happens after the post doc. You will be established in your job by then and you already said its hard to find positions. Will he be willing to move to you once he has completed his post doc, even if he gets a position somewhere else? Is he planning on using his education to work in academia? If so, its not like he can just show up to the closest university and start working. Positions are competitive and nothing is guaranteed.

It seems to me like there is a good chance that one of you will have to make a big sacrifice when he finishes his post doc. That's where I get concerned for you. I think the long distance is doable (although not ideal) and many couples make it work. It sucks, but if you work at it you can get through it.