Leaving the Nest

[Haven]

I think these things depend entirely on the family's culture. My family is still a bit old world as I'm only second generation American, and for us it's normal for adult children to live at home until marriage. Many of my close friends are Greek and Serbian, and their cultures seem to be very similar to ours, as many of them lived at home until they were married.

As for me, my parents didn't have much money so I started working and paying for my own clothes and activities when I was 11 when I got my first babysitting job. I babysat every Saturday night from age 11 through my senior year of high school, and once I was 16 and bought my first car (a $1,000 nine-year-old Blazer, which I LOVED!) I got my first "real" job, too. I paid for my own school athletic fees and whatnot in high school, as well. My parents did give me lunch money, though.

I went away to college and my parents gave me $100 in quarters for laundry and I was pretty much on my own, otherwise. (Thank goodness for financial aid.) I moved back in with my parents for four years after college so I could pay off my loans, and then bought a condo in the city on my own. HOWEVER, that purchase ended up being a mistake, because I then got a job teaching high school near my parents' house, so I essentially moved back in with them a year later. I sold the condo when my husband and I were engaged, and lived with my parents until we were married.

While living with my parents they never gave me any money, whatsoever. They did not pay for one bill, nothing. (And they shouldn't have!) I was working or in grad school (or both) that entire time, and I had means to support myself. I bought the house groceries and paid for other incidentals here or there, but I definitely saved A TON of money by living with them and not having to pay rent. And, they liked it because they thought that was the way it was supposed to be--the children live at home until they get married.

I guess I didn't really leave the nest until I was married, but I started paying my own way for most things when I was much younger, so it's a grey line for me. I love that I lived at home with my parents as an adult, because I think it transformed our relationship. I imagine the effect would have been different if I was living at home and relying on them to pay some of my bills, so I can't say if I would have enjoyed it that much in that case.

I think every child and every family is different. I have three sisters, and none of them have yet become financially independent from my parents. The next sister is having her car loan paid by my father, and her cell phone by my mother. And I think my parents took out loans to pay for most of their college expenses, as well. I think they didn't do that for me because they had less then, and also because I wanted to be financially independent from them much earlier, anyway. In my husband's family it's the same way--my husband became financially independent of his parents very early, yet to this day his brother still accepts money from his father. Different kids, different needs, I guess.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

1) I graduated from HS and moved out within a month or so. My circumstance wasn't a "normal" regular functioning household sort. My dad died when I was 16 and my mom went bonkers and I rarely saw her. She bought me a car, gave me $ and left me on my own. Once in a while she'd play "mom," and I'd would give me a curfew for an evening and then she'd go back to who-knows-what. Also, keep in mind, I lived on an island where my life was dictated by a ferry and so I really wanted to move off of it. My mom did pay for my schooling, but I paid my rent, etc.

2) Not sure about independent yet. I'll have to see what my kids are like when they're older. The only for sure that DH and I have agreed on is when the boys graduate from HS, they either have to have a job or be in school if they want to live here. We won't kick them out, so if it comes down to it, I'll be driving them around to stores and walking them in and forcing them to fill out job applications. lol! You wanna eat? Work for it! hehehehe

 

[MichelleCarmen]

It also depends on where you live. My daughter's 24-25 year old friends with college degrees are all fully employed but still living at home. They are paying off student loans, paying off cars, saving to pay for grad school or travel. There is nothing to be gained by living in a crummy apartment in a bad neighborhood just to prove that they can cook, clean and pay their bills. Rents in my area are $1500 for a 1 bedroom and most parents I know think it is a big waste of money when these kids owe on loans.I never felt any pressure to move out of my parent's home. We enjoyed each other's company. Of course, I wasn't lazy or a moocher. I helped when it was needed and moved out when I decided it was right. Every situation is different. Leaving the nest can be physical or mental. I physically lived with my parents but mentally I was responsible, independent, and mature.

Rent prices are so true. Before I moved out, I called EVERYWHERE to find a place I could afford. Keep in mind, many years ago, so DH and I found a small apt that had a view of a lake and paid $459 a month. That was about all we could afford. It wasn't a waste of money b/c my mom was super "toxic," where I couldn't even have friends visit. Luckily we didn't live in CA or somewhere that's too expensive for many to support living costs while in school.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Independence is great and everyone should strive for it, certainly. However, I think we, as a society, should be careful about making it a race or competition (as too many things are, nowadays - there are even yoga competitions!). Being the first to be out of the house or self supporting may not be the best solution for every situation. Being the last may not be a self decision either.

As previous posters have mentioned, living rent free for a year or two at the start may put a young adult in a much better position, financially speaking. And where else can you get a room and basic facilities in return for doing chores and general help?

 

[Kaleigh]

Differs from each family, each young adult. DD was independent once she graduated college and had a job. She was 22.
My brother on the other hand left home at 16, and was independent.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I left for college when I was 18 and was completely independent from that day on. I remember the month after I left for college my AOL access got cut off because the bill arrived at my parents' house and it wasn't paid.

I started working summers when I was 16 and used that money to live on and save. I used it to buy my school clothes and parts for a '65 Mustang that I bought for $200 when I was 14. My dad helped me rebuild it every Tuesday night for years, which helped me more than anything my parents could have done for me financially.

If I hadn't been ready to leave the nest on my own when I was 18, I have no doubt my parents would have had no problem kicking me out, haha.

 

[Dancing Fire]

If I hadn't been ready to leave the nest on my own when I was 18, I have no doubt my parents would have had no problem kicking me out, haha.

that will never happen in a Chinese family right or wrong i don't know... i can see both pros and cons.

 

[MonkeyPie]

When you don't go crying to mom and dad for every little thing, then you have "left the nest".

What drives me crazy is the kids that are all excited to have moved out and become supposedly independent, but still get all their bills paid by daddy. That isn't being an adult.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

I was very independent in college, but officially left the nest at 21 when I graduated and moved to Boston for grad school (I supported myself being a live-in nanny while going to school). In college my parents paid my tuition. I paid them all the money I made in the summers towards the tuition and I had to make enough for my room/board/living expenses. I was still on my parents insurance, they paid any medical bills, and they paid for me to come home twice a year, plus for part of each summer I lived at home. One I left the nest I left the nest, they didn't pay for anything anymore...

My brother's both left the nest at 21 after college as well...

I think that's a great timeline

 

[Amber St. Clare]

I left home when I was 19. I had to. I won't bore anyone with a long recitation of why, let me just say it was crucial to my mental health.

Fast forward. I am the mother of a 25 year old {along with my husband, his father} who recently obtained his Masters in Finance. He is still living at home and is having a hell of a time finding ANY sort of job in ANY field. He is still working in the chain restaurant he worked in during his college days. He still lives at home. He is impatient to get a job, a better car and begin his life as an adult as he always imagined he would. I explain to him he IS an adult and how he handles this current frustration in a big indication of what kind of an adult he IS. I see no need for him to move out and get his own place just because he's 25 if he's not making a decent salary and get himself into financial problems just prove a point. On the other hand, I can't picture being 25 and still living at home because that wasn't my scenario. He contributes financially to the household. I do wish he could find a job in his field and move on with his plans, but I'm not going to push him out the door into an apartment he can't afford just because he's a certain age.


edited to add--he is completely financial responsible for himself--car, clothes, medical insurance, and as I mentioned above, contributed an amount monthly to the household. We have also stressed the importance of saving, and he has no school loan to worry about repaying.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I moved from my parents' house to an apartment with my (now) husband at 22 (almost 23). I've been responisble for my finances since that time - with my parents paying off my first car as a college graduation present, which wasn't that much money. My husband and I lived with his parents for 13 months in 2008/2009 due to a complicated family/rental situation and now we own our own home. The only time we've received financial assistance from our families has been immediately following the birth of our children - our son being born smack in the middle of the family/rental situation and our daughter being born prematurely. Each time we didn't ask for help, but rather it was offered so as to avoid us getting into a hole of debt due to circumstances out of our control. I felt ready to move out when I did and saved myself a lot of money living at home while in college, although I still have student loans to pay off.

My sister is 27 and still lives at home with our parents. She works full-time and is in night school getting her masters. She "can't afford" to move out. I put "can't afford" in quotes because she could move out if she wanted to. She owns a horse that is boarded and that costs probably nearly half of her income to maintain (vet bills, shows, food, etc.). Her car is also 13 years old and needs some maintenance but she refuses to spend the money on it so her car is always in some state of disrepair. Yet, she complains about living with mom and dad. I have told her several times to sell horsey and save her money. My mom supposedly gave her an ultimatum in January - buy a new car and continue living at home (so as to avoid becoming broke with a new car payment and rent) or get out and stop complaining. Mom and dad help her with car insurance and some of the horse-related expenses. The situation frustrates me beyond belief because if roles were reversed and I was the one mooching at 27 I'd be thrown out on the street! In all honesty, I don't think she has any incentive to move out since mommy and daddy always have her back and have never forced her to be independent the way they did with me when I was still living at home.

I think true independence happens at different times for different people. With my parents, any amount of financial support will be held over your head for the rest of your life whereas with DH's parents they can be generous and don't have second thoughts about it. Sort of like cash the stinkin' check and move on.

I fear having my children living at home well into their 20's, however I am not the type to push them out before they can take care of themselves. The movie "Failure to Launch" definately comes to mind though!

 

[TravelingGal]

I moved out to college when I was almost 17. I graduated and moved back home (minus a year when I was 23 when I moved to a different city to work)) when I was almost 21. My mom (and dad when he came back from Korea) and I lived under the same roof until I was 30.

However, in 1992, I believe, the LA Riots happened. By 1995 we lost everything (home, savings, cars, etc) and moved into a small apartment. My dad went to Korea to look for work, where he was unsuccessful for the next few years and my mom and I had to find a way to support ourselves. By the time was 24, I supported the family by handling all the rent, bills, etc until my parents moved out when I was 30 because they got qualified for cheap senior housing and were afraid that their 30 year old daughter would never get married if her two parents lived with her!

I'd be OK with my kid coming back home after college to get her wings. But by the time she's in her mid to late 20s, she better have her game on.

 

[janinegirly]

I went to boarding school at 15 and did not move back home after that (except summer /holidays of course). I am very indepedent minded as a result - and it amazes me to see kids in late 20's, to mid 30's still at home. Most are boys for some reason?

Anyway, things didn't fall into my lap - I had some tough moments right out of college and my parent did give me cash to start (first month's rent until my salary kicked in), and I found a job quickly even though it was 1995 and there was a recession (knowing rent was due is a big incentive!). The job wasn't ideal, but you need to start somewhere. My parents paid for college in full so I had no loans to start and to me that was the greatest foundation/gift off all. Yes rent is high, but there are always ways - I shared a 1br with a friend (we turned the LR into a 2nd bdrm), I found a college connection who rented out a room, rented a basement apt,etc -there are ways if you are not given the option to come home so easily. In my case my parents were overseas so that option was off the table, but I see how it motivated me.

I think I would be ok with a child coming back home for a year after college, but I would expect rent or some kind of contribution and would certainly pressure them to get out there on their own asap. It is very easy to fall into a funk and next think you know the "kid's" 30.

 

[Clio]

It's going to vary in every situation, naturally. I left home to go to college at 18, but I was still supported by my parents and came home every summer, so I don't count that as leaving the nest. At 21, though, I got married, and we supported ourselves completely from that point on, including putting me through graduate school.

For other children/parents, a different setup might work better. My kids are not that old yet, but I can certainly see a situation where we would contribute what we considered a reasonable amount toward graduate/professional school or let an adult child move back in with us for a limited amount of time.

I just don't want to end up like my in-laws, who had my brother-in-law living with them rent-free (!) until he was 38.

That reminds me of that movie called "Failure to Launch"....

Ha! If only my BIL were as hot as Matthew McConaughey!