Leaving the Nest

[wakingdreams53]

That "time" when the "child" must no longer be dependent on their parents/guardians and become an independent person. Since there are a substantial amount of parents on PS, I figure you're a good crowd to ask.

So here's the two-part question:
A) When did you feel it was time for you to leave the "nest"?
B) When do you think the "average" time *should be* for people to become independent?

This topic may be "off" since there are kids around the world who are supporting their families by age 14, but I'm focusing mostly on modern society.

 

[Circe]

I love my folks, but my family is an excellent illustration of the old adage that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I'm an only child and my parents are overprotective: I moved out at 19, but it took me until I was ... 27 or so to begin developing healthy boundaries.

I think that each case is individual, of course: some people have lovely relationships with their parents, who are progressive, open-minded people who don't get confused about where they leave off and their kids begin. But, given that that's the exception and not the rule ... I'd say that somewhere around the time of college, kids should move out and live alone. Learn to cook for themselves and do their own laundry and invite young men in and kick young men out. Be independent, you know?

 

[mayerling]

Could you elaborate on what you mean by "leaving the nest" and "being independent"? By "leaving the nest" do you mean just moving out? If so, lots of kids move out before they can be financially independent. I moved out at 22 for graduate school but didn't become financially independent until 27 when I finished my degree and got my first job.

 

[diamondringlover]

My son moved out and moved to Chicago (I am in Ohio) when he was 22 he moved back home at 23,I had to pay all his bills while he was gone as he didnt have enough money and I was co-signer on everything he moved back out at 23 locally this time and has been living own his own for 2 years, he is now 25 and for the most part not dependent on me for anything other then a decent meal once in awhile lol...the only thing we do pay for him is we still pay his cell bill as he is on our family plan and anytime his car needs work, his Dad works on the car and we pay for the parts..hopefully soon he can buy a new car and not depend on us for this...he is getting there

 

[wakingdreams53]

Could you elaborate on what you mean by "leaving the nest" and "being independent"? By "leaving the nest" do you mean just moving out? If so, lots of kids move out before they can be financially independent. I moved out at 22 for graduate school but didn't become financially independent until 27 when I finished my degree and got my first job.

Well moving out doesn't count if the folks are paying the rent, you know? For instance, I'm in a backwards position where my family left to Florida and left me in NY (because of school, not a home-alone type deal ). My nest left me, but I can't consider myself independent until I can pay for a roof over my head. So when I say "independent" I guess I do mean mostly financially.

So it seems like the average so far is mid-to-late-twenties...

 

[Miss Sparkly]

I moved out at 18, married just after turning 19 and became independent at that point. DH was 23 when we married and as I like to say, "went from one cozy nest to another." He does bring in 2.5x what I do so that makes us even To me the right time is either when the adult child decides to leave or when the parents kick them out/cut them out because it is obvious that the adult child can take care of themselves and is just mooching off mom and dad.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Could you elaborate on what you mean by "leaving the nest" and "being independent"? By "leaving the nest" do you mean just moving out? If so, lots of kids move out before they can be financially independent. I moved out at 22 for graduate school but didn't become financially independent until 27 when I finished my degree and got my first job.

Well moving out doesn't count if the folks are paying the rent, you know? For instance, I'm in a backwards position where my family left to Florida and left me in NY (because of school, not a home-alone type deal ). My nest left me, but I can't consider myself independent until I can pay for a roof over my head. So when I say "independent" I guess I do mean mostly financially.

So it seems like the average so far is mid-to-late-twenties...

be sure to get daddy's credit card before he leaves for Fla...

 

[Winks_Elf]

That "time" when the "child" must no longer be dependent on their parents/guardians and become an independent person. Since there are a substantial amount of parents on PS, I figure you're a good crowd to ask.

So here's the two-part question:
A) When did you feel it was time for you to leave the "nest"?
B) When do you think the "average" time *should be* for people to become independent?

This topic may be "off" since there are kids around the world who are supporting their families by age 14, but I'm focusing mostly on modern society.

A., I left home when I was four days past my 19th birthday. I grew up in a very strict household, and was putting myself through nursing school and working on weekends. My mom and I did not get along well at that time, and I felt her rules and restrictions were ridiculous, and now that I am 41 I see that I was right.
B., I think that by a child is a senior in high school, they should have been taught the basic skills of nutrition, laundry, cleaning, cooking, and money management. These are the very basic of basic that they will need to survive on their own as college kids, and by the time they are out of college they should be living in their own apartment. I'm of the strong opinion that while our kids go to school, their father and I have no problem letting them live at home if they wind up going to college locally, but once they have graduated and have started becoming financially independent of us, they need to fly the nest and spread their wings. We'll be here for them to guide them, but I don't think it is healthy to go from living at home being supported by parents to married or living with someone. There needs to be a transitional period.

Our oldest is only 13 right now so we have a way to go yet til we have to deal with this.

 

[wakingdreams53]

I moved out at 18, married just after turning 19 and became independent at that point. DH was 23 when we married and as I like to say, "went from one cozy nest to another." He does bring in 2.5x what I do so that makes us even To me the right time is either when the adult child decides to leave or when the parents kick them out/cut them out because it is obvious that the adult child can take care of themselves and is just mooching off mom and dad.

I know a substantial amount of people like this, including my mother. To me it doesn't seem like gaining independence, but rather switching dependency. If your DH brings in enough to support you, its a daddy-to-hubby sort deal. Not meant to offend you, its just exactly what my parents warned me about.

DancingFire, LOL!! No, no, he's paying at a distance-- which at the moment is just ConEd. And they left in October.

That "time" when the "child" must no longer be dependent on their parents/guardians and become an independent person. Since there are a substantial amount of parents on PS, I figure you're a good crowd to ask.

So here's the two-part question:
A) When did you feel it was time for you to leave the "nest"?
B) When do you think the "average" time *should be* for people to become independent?

This topic may be "off" since there are kids around the world who are supporting their families by age 14, but I'm focusing mostly on modern society.

A., I left home when I was four days past my 19th birthday. I grew up in a very strict household, and was putting myself through nursing school and working on weekends. My mom and I did not get along well at that time, and I felt her rules and restrictions were ridiculous, and now that I am 41 I see that I was right.
B., I think that by a child is a senior in high school, they should have been taught the basic skills of nutrition, laundry, cleaning, cooking, and money management. These are the very basic of basic that they will need to survive on their own as college kids, and by the time they are out of college they should be living in their own apartment. I'm of the strong opinion that while our kids go to school, their father and I have no problem letting them live at home if they wind up going to college locally, but once they have graduated and have started becoming financially independent of us, they need to fly the nest and spread their wings. We'll be here for them to guide them, but I don't think it is healthy to go from living at home being supported by parents to married or living with someone. There needs to be a transitional period.

Our oldest is only 13 right now so we have a way to go yet til we have to deal with this.

Winks_Elf, you're so incredibly right. Learning those skills at a younger age (start: 12) and mastering them by the end of high school would be perfect. However, as someone who graduated HS in 2009, I can safely/sadly say that the majority of my graduating class was as ready to be out of their parents grasp as a blind puppy. Don't get me wrong, almost EVERYONE was dying to "get away," but very few had the skills to even cook for themselves*--easymac does NOT count.
(*learned after dorming and realizing that, in my school at least, it's the furthest thing from independence, ever.)

 

[mayerling]

Could you elaborate on what you mean by "leaving the nest" and "being independent"? By "leaving the nest" do you mean just moving out? If so, lots of kids move out before they can be financially independent. I moved out at 22 for graduate school but didn't become financially independent until 27 when I finished my degree and got my first job.

Well moving out doesn't count if the folks are paying the rent, you know? For instance, I'm in a backwards position where my family left to Florida and left me in NY (because of school, not a home-alone type deal ). My nest left me, but I can't consider myself independent until I can pay for a roof over my head. So when I say "independent" I guess I do mean mostly financially.

So it seems like the average so far is mid-to-late-twenties...

If so, I don't think this should be a question of age but rather one of stage in life. For instance, I expect people who don't continue their education after high school to be financially independent much earlier than people who go to school, graduate school, etc. The caveat here is that I come from a culture which believes that if the child wants to study, and the parents can afford to pay for them to study, they should; otherwise the child runs the chance of missing out on a good education which might put them in a very good financial position later in life.

 

[swingirl]

It also depends on where you live. My daughter's 24-25 year old friends with college degrees are all fully employed but still living at home. They are paying off student loans, paying off cars, saving to pay for grad school or travel. There is nothing to be gained by living in a crummy apartment in a bad neighborhood just to prove that they can cook, clean and pay their bills. Rents in my area are $1500 for a 1 bedroom and most parents I know think it is a big waste of money when these kids owe on loans.

I never felt any pressure to move out of my parent's home. We enjoyed each other's company. Of course, I wasn't lazy or a moocher. I helped when it was needed and moved out when I decided it was right. Every situation is different. Leaving the nest can be physical or mental. I physically lived with my parents but mentally I was responsible, independent, and mature.

 

[Clio]

It's going to vary in every situation, naturally. I left home to go to college at 18, but I was still supported by my parents and came home every summer, so I don't count that as leaving the nest. At 21, though, I got married, and we supported ourselves completely from that point on, including putting me through graduate school.

For other children/parents, a different setup might work better. My kids are not that old yet, but I can certainly see a situation where we would contribute what we considered a reasonable amount toward graduate/professional school or let an adult child move back in with us for a limited amount of time.

I just don't want to end up like my in-laws, who had my brother-in-law living with them rent-free (!) until he was 38.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

I don't see my situation as daddy to husband for three reasons. First - I have been taking care of myself for years including making my own money with jobs since age 12. Second - DH's field of work is higher paying than mine. Third - my salary is more than enough to support me if I lose DH's income

 

[mrscushion]

That's really going to vary on the circumstances and personalities of parents and child.

I left home at 16 and moved to a new country (the U.S.) without my parents for schooling. But I wasn't financially independent till I graduated from college and got my first job.

I generally think that college graduation is the time by which most kids should stand on their own feet, move out, and pay for themselves...with the exception of tuition costs, which I believe parents should cover if they have the means to.

 

[zoebartlett]

I left home to go to college at 18 but I returned every summer. I had part time jobs in college and every summer, but I didn't really consider myself financially independent. After graduation, I had no idea what I wanted to do so I moved back home for 2 years to save money while I figured it out. I paid my parents rent and utilities and I helped out around the house. I was more independent but still living with mom and dad. After 2 years I moved into my own apartment and I haven't lived at home since. So for me, I became completely independent at age 24. Some of my friends left home to go to college at 18 and they never lived at home again. We all had different experiences.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I don't know, but I can't get ANY of my kids to move out.

Although there are some extenuating circumstances- 28 year old moved home and is getting a divorce, 26 year old is brain injured
from a car accident at 18, 23 had some drug issues and has been in rehab for a year, 21 is in college and then grad school.

I dearly love and adore all of them, but I am ready for DH and I to have some time to do what we want to do and for them to pay
for all there own stuff.

One more in addition to get through high school.

So anybody who has any suggestions I am open to hearing them.

I had to get tough and tell the older ones that they are not coming on vacation with us in June. They all expected we would
take them as a family trip. We are only taking the 21 and 14 year old.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I'm mostly independent currently... I'm 24 and pay for everything but my car insurance and phone bill. I've offered to take over both of these, but my parents said they would rather me save money for the future.. It was a gradual shift. After I turned 20 I paid for gas, groceries, etc, but I lived in a home they owned rent free. Then I found my own place and took over rent. At 23 I paid my car off. I don't know that I will end up paying for the phone or insurance independently, because I'll be married next spring.

Most of my friends were "cut off" around 22, but I also have several friends that are still getting money at 25.

 

[LGK]

Hm. Well, I was adopted by a friends family at 12 and was away from my parents for a year or so the first time I "left". Then I took off to another state halfway across the country at 16 and stayed away for three or four months. After I came back to finish HS, I mostly couch surfed for the last two years of HS, though I maintained a bedroom with my folks. FWIW, my father was... not a nice man... and I wasn't safe at home. So I packed myself off until mom finally booted him out after I left the state (citing my fear of his paranoia and sudden determination to have a gun to protect himself from "them".... i.e., my mom and myself). Then I sometimes showed up for food and/or showers, but I was still furious at her for staying married to him for so many years so I stayed mostly elsewhere after age 16. And I paid mom's rent a few times when I was 16 or 17 after my father was ousted, since I had a part time job as well as finishing high school.

I was completely independant by the time I started college at 18. Moved in with my (future) husband at 19. We were both independant at 18 with no financial help from parents.

I still have friends and acquantances now, at 34, that get lots of parental help. That's kinda ridiculous IMO. I'd say mid twenties is high time to be taking care of yourself.

 

[yennyfire]

It's going to vary in every situation, naturally. I left home to go to college at 18, but I was still supported by my parents and came home every summer, so I don't count that as leaving the nest. At 21, though, I got married, and we supported ourselves completely from that point on, including putting me through graduate school.

For other children/parents, a different setup might work better. My kids are not that old yet, but I can certainly see a situation where we would contribute what we considered a reasonable amount toward graduate/professional school or let an adult child move back in with us for a limited amount of time.

I just don't want to end up like my in-laws, who had my brother-in-law living with them rent-free (!) until he was 38.

That reminds me of that movie called "Failure to Launch"....

I can't imagine living with my parents at the age of 38 (of course, that would mean me, DH and our two kids too, but you get the point). I was out of the house to go to college and came home over the summers. I worked during the summer to earn money for "extras" during the school year. Once I graduated from grad. school, I paid all of my own bills. I was definitely financially independent, but still wanted some guidance from my parents when it came to major life events/purchases etc. Even now, I still ask for their opinions when it comes to major decisions. DHs parents have passed, so we both appreciate the life experience of my parents. We don't always take their advice but we do like to hear what they have to say.

 

[HopeDream]

I left home at 17 and have been financially independant since including paying for my own schooling. I started doing my laundry and my own cooking when I was about 12, so the transition wasn't as abrupt as you might imagine.

My best friend didn't leave the nest until mid-way throught college, when she moved in with her fiance.

Every case is different, but it's important not to be a burden on one's family.

 

[rosetta]

Moved to another continent aged 18

Never looked back

 

[Shoopy]

I moved into my own apartment at 19. I spent the time between 16 to 19 years old working as many hours as I could all year long. I was ready and could handle myself financially.

My brothers left at 19 as well. They should not have. One has since learned to be on his own. The other is struggling big time.

As for #2, assuming the child goes to college then I think once they are done with school it's a good time to move out and be independent (or before then, depending on child). If not in school then 20/21.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

I became completely self supporting 2 months after graduating - paying my own rent, food and fun (although my parents would once in a while give me a ticket to visit them as a gift, but that was a somewhat self serving gift, as they would see me only once a year otherwise). I don't think there is one right answer. It depends on the family, circumstances and choices.

 

[princesss]

Financially independent at 22 (well, 21, I guess - I turned 22 my 3rd day on the job). My parents do still fly me out to visit them, but I pay all of my own bills and don't ask them for help or money and haven't since I graduated college.

 

[suchende]

At 26 I don't pay all my own bills and I will admit, being fully independent isn't a high priority. I guess it's because I know I don't burden my parents with the occasional financial help (pay my cell phone bill, have CC for "emergencies.")

 

[Gypsy]

Well. Sometimes people lose jobs or make life changes and move back home for a little while.

I don't think there is an age. I was living on my own when I was in college and law school, but not independant. I was 'independant' financially in my late twenties. But not really, looking back, out off the nest. Not mentally. There was always the security of knowing that I could move back home if I had to. Honestly it wasn't until after we were married ... and I was 32 that I really felt like an adult. A real one, instead of someone just pretending to be an adult... but really still a kid inside.

I lost my job last year and we didn't tell either of our families for MONTHS. That's when I realized I was really an adult. My life, my problem. We ended up going through our savings and, a month before I got another job, needing help. And our parents loaned us money. But it was a loan. And we paid it off the very next month (thank god for signing bonuses). Since then we've had some fair weather financially and our savings is back, and there is more there than there was to start with thank god. But there was never a question of us paying the loan back, whereas before our parents would have just given us money. But they knew we wouldn't accept it that way, not anymore so... loan.

But I know people who were there at 18. And I know people who aren't there in their 40's.

I think a lot of it depends on what life throws at you. Our families never pushed us out of the nest... so we just stayed. Even if it was just mentally and financially and physically we were on our own, the apron strings were there. For us it was a gradual shift. At one point mom was paying the car insurance and the cell phone bill, and then it was flipped. We were paying her insurance and cell phone bill.

Also, I think if you have kids, we don't, you get there faster. At least for the people I know it seems that way.

 

[packrat]

I didn't move out until I got married right after I turned 27. I'd been working full time since I was 16 (back before they had rules about how many hours school kids could work), and I had another full time job at home working the acreage. I worked at home so much when I wasn't at my "real" job my mom finally took me aside and was like um..Dad and I like having you here and we love having the help but..we think you should maybe..you know, spend time with friends and date. Ha!

 

[Missy]

I moved out of my parents home at age 16 to go to college (I skipped a couple of years in school) and never returned home as after college I went to graduate school and then completed a residency. I started paying in full for my bills when I started my residency at age 23 (though I was only earning a paltry amount LOL-it was sufficient as I was living in a tiny studio apt).

I think children should become financially independent depending on their specific situation. There is no one size fits all. My parents always told me as long as I wanted to stay in school and continue my education they would support me financially which was an incredibly generous offer. So in my mind, as long as your child is furthering his/her education it is totally OK if you can swing it to help them financially. But the minute they start getting lazy or taking the easy way out, living off the parents without pulling their weight that is the minute it has gone too far.

 

[Pandora II]

I went to boarding school so in a sense I stopped living with my parents at age 12! Then went to University where they had to pay my living expenses as they earned too much for me to qualify for a grant (this was in the days when tuition was free, student loans didn't exist and parents were responsible for maintenance allowances).

At 24 I moved to Italy and I've been financially independent ever since - except for 2 years where I ended up living with them in my early 30's having been forced to move back to the UK after a month in hospital and with my health in tatters.

I don't think responsibility ever ends for parents - I'll always be here for my daughter however old she is - but I would expect a child to go away to university and then make their own way as soon as they get their first job. It's pretty unusual to do a graduate degree in the UK - my husband was at Oxford (where you automatically get a Masters rather than a Bachelors) and most of our friends were at college with him and not one of them has done a graduate degree as it's just not required here unless you want to become an academic - and of those who do I don't know any who are relying on parents at all.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Well. Sometimes people lose jobs or make life changes and move back home for a little while.

I don't think there is an age. I was living on my own when I was in college and law school, but not independant. I was 'independant' financially in my late twenties. But not really, looking back, out off the nest. Not mentally. There was always the security of knowing that I could move back home if I had to. Honestly it wasn't until after we were married ... and I was 32 that I really felt like an adult. A real one, instead of someone just pretending to be an adult... but really still a kid inside.

I lost my job last year and we didn't tell either of our families for MONTHS. That's when I realized I was really an adult. My life, my problem. We ended up going through our savings and, a month before I got another job, needing help. And our parents loaned us money. But it was a loan. And we paid it off the very next month (thank god for signing bonuses). Since then we've had some fair weather financially and our savings is back, and there is more there than there was to start with thank god. But there was never a question of us paying the loan back, whereas before our parents would have just given us money. But they knew we wouldn't accept it that way, not anymore so... loan.

But I know people who were there at 18. And I know people who aren't there in their 40's.

I think a lot of it depends on what life throws at you. Our families never pushed us out of the nest... so we just stayed. Even if it was just mentally and financially and physically we were on our own, the apron strings were there. For us it was a gradual shift. At one point mom was paying the car insurance and the cell phone bill, and then it was flipped. We were paying her insurance and cell phone bill.

Also, I think if you have kids, we don't, you get there faster. At least for the people I know it seems that way.

I think your last line, Gypsy, is the key to the issue. DH and I married at 20 and had our first child at 22. We were pretty independent
from the day we got married. Our families helped us a little bit, but we never asked for it. They had a life insurance policy on me
that cashed out when I turned 21 for 4K and gave us the money. We bought our first house with it in a crazy deal at 23. I know my
kids will get there. I think it is really almost more my problem than theirs. I am anxious for them to be on their own because we
started so young. My mom was an older mom and I wanted to be a younger mom, so we started early, and deferred all the fun things
we wanted to do. If I could go back and do it again, I would wait longer to have kids.