Wedding Ladies, put on your thinking caps...I need help!

[Puppmom]

So...a very close friend of mine is getting married in a few weeks and there has been LOTS OF DRAMA recently. I''ll try to keep this brief but that may be impossible! Maybe bullet pointing will help

- Bride chose a close childhood friend as MOH then after seeing that MOHs sister''s feelings were hurt that she wasn''t also asked to be in the wedding, the bride asked MOHs sister as well.
- MOH did nothing - no dress shopping, no venue looking, no vendor help, no advice, didn''t get her own dress altered or respond to emails about hair, makeup and schedule - not even asking bride how the wedding was coming.
- MOH also caused a stink when looking at bridesmaid dresses because she''s flat-chested (yes, that''s what had her almost in tears at 30 years old).
-Then came the shower...she did nothing. Literally...nothing. We were in a time crunch so bride asked me to step in and just coordinate everything - favors, games, collect money etc. MOH said she was appreciative because she was "busy". MOH was still responsible for mailing invites (for which she was provided a spreadsheet ready to go and all of the invites...just had to stuff and mail). She was asked to mail them by a specific day and every day that passed she said she was "working on it" so our invites went out late...no biggie. Then MOH had trouble tracking the RSVPs even though an email box had been set up for them...again - someone else made her a spreadsheet to track. I ended up having to guess on the number of favors because two weeks before the shower (two weeks AFTER the RSVP deadline) I had nothing. Then on the day of the shower, we ended up paying for 3 people who we thought were no shows but turns out had emailed MOH to explain they could not come.
-Then the bachelorette party - nothing nothing nothing! Until...4 days before the bachelorette party she decided to email the bridesmaid who chose the place for dinner telling her the place she chose was "awful" and emailed bride saying "oh, shame you had so and so plan your bachelorette party. The place she chose sucks and I thought you would have wanted better"
-When Bride emailed MOH back saying it is quite rude to state your opinion this late in the game after not offering your help MOH responded "Oh well"
-Bride also found out from a friend (on the same day as above confrontation) that MOHs date decided to only attend the reception because he "doesn''t know anyone" (besides MOH and sister who are in the wedding party) and would feel weird at the wedding (uh, grow up!). I think Bride was mostly annoyed that MOH kept it a secret hoping Bride wouldn''t notice.
-Bride asked MOH if she and her date would feel more comfortable at the other bridesmaid table (instead of sweetheart table) since date knows her sister
-MOH responds "thanks for downgrading me. tell so and so she can be your MOH since that''s clearly what you want."
-last MOH does not show up to Bachelorette party nor does the sister.
-Bride emails MOH very disappointed asking if the parents of MOH and sister are still attending the wedding since they''re clearly not (one would assume this after not showing up to the bachelorette party and not returning calls asking of their whereabouts)
-MOH responded "well if you don''t want us to come then we wish you the best"

OK...first - I think MOH is OUT OF HER MIND. As a good friend and bridesmaid - do I try to patch this up? I met Bride as an adult so I don''t know MOH very well and barely know the sister. I would hate for her to regret that her friend of almost 20 years was not there on her special day BUT what if the friend really is just showing her true colors and isn''t worth having around? If not can you ladies help me think of something nice that the remaining 6 Bridesmaids can do to make our friend feel better? Maybe a bridesmaid trip to the spa or a nice thoughtful gift?

Sorry...this post was way too long but every detail seemed important

 

[MsSassy]

honestly, i would just let things be. Dont get involved. The MOH and her has shown the kind of people they are and they dont deserve to be apart of the wedding.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Honestly, I don''t understand why brides lean so much on their MOH''s and get terribly out of whack when the MOH isn''t at her service any time, day or night.

As a bride who had a bridal party, I never felt like it was "my right" as the bride to assign my BM''s duties like mailing out my invitations, or collecting money for my shower. Each of my BM''s had their own lives...children, jobs, school, boyfriends, husbands, families, they have their own set of priorities...they were busy enough without my wedding. And although I know they were each individually excited for me and wanted to be the best BM''s possible, I never let my responsibilities spill over and interfere with their individual lives. Of course, they offered as much support and assistance as they could when they had the time...but never, not once, didn''t I get mad that So-and-So was unable to drop her life to come stuff envelopes or tie favors.

I think each bride needs to take full responsibilty for her own wedding--not to mention that she has a fiance to help with the overflow...but it isn''t right to assume just because your friend is standing up for you that you also have rights to her time for an entire year without ever hearing the words "no, I can''t".

(disclaimer: I did have BM issues, however they were much different than this topic)

I think your friend needs to chill. Standing up for someone and just showing up is often times responsibility enough. There is typically a large cost involved, not to mention time away from family or work, and to many other odds and ends to even mention. If the MOH is saying she is "busy" its probably because she is "busy". Better she be upfront and straight forward than to blow your friend off, or not show up for prearranged events.

If your friend can''t handle mailing out her own invites, and feels the need to have an assistant, prehaps she''s better off putting someone on pay roll and hiring a coordinator or wedding planner whose only goal is to get those invites out on time!

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 10/6/2008 6:45:09 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Honestly, I don''t understand why brides lean so much on their MOH''s and get terribly out of whack when the MOH isn''t at her service any time, day or night.

and can you tell that to my best friend please??

Now, I''m an MOH and I''m doing all of the crap...I mean lovely stuff that comes with the wedding because that''s just how I am.

But I''ve come to learn (after being completely used by my best friend without even a thank you ever and GOD FORBID I don''t answer one email in the string of 50 that I get on a daily basis) that an MOH should really be a person that you cannot imagine yourself getting married without. All of that other stuff is just stuff. You don''t need a shower. You don''t need a bachelorette party. You don''t need someone else going with you to the dress fitting. If the MOH goes to all of your events and plans all the parties for you and does the planning with you, that just means that you have an amazing MOH but it isn''t required.

As for you, I would stay out of it. I would do what you have to do as a BM and that''s that. No sense in giving yourself a headache over problems that don''t really conern you...you know

 

[Puppmom]

I probably need to clarify a few things. Mailing out the shower invites (Bride mailed her own invites and packaged her own wedding favors) and maintaining the RSVPs for the shower are things MOH offered to do. The problem is she had the invites in hand and didn''t do anything with them and was the only one with the password to the email account containing the responses. When the bridesmaids were planning the shower and bachelorette party we tried to divide and conquer...all agreeing to what we thought we could handle. Bride only got involved because other people complained to her about MOH (yes, i know...bad idea. they should have worked it out directly with MOH)

While I agree that a Bride should expect nothing but having friends stand with her and support her on her wedding day, I do believe that you ought to do what you say you will and people have every right to be annoyed when you don''t.

My biggest concern here is that I don''t want my friend to regret not trying to patch things up with MOH after this is all over. They''ve been friends for 20 years.

This is why I got married in my in-law''s backyard with no bridal party

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Unfortunately, even tho you want to be good friend, it isn''t your place to patch up friendship.

If your dear friend decides that her MOH isn''t the type of person she can be friends with any longer or decides that she wants to save her friendship at any cost, that''s a conclusion she has to draw for herself and not for you to push upon her.

My MOH and I have been bf''s since we were in third grade...so I can speak on behalf of life long friendship and I feel comfortable saying that once you''re intertwined with another person for an extremely long time, they become family. While the girls might be having an "off" season, that doesn''t mean their friendship will be a lost cause entirely.

I would lend a supportive ear and be a good sounding board for any of the brides frusterations, however be sure not to meddle, or cause anymore issues. Anything the bride says, or vents, to you should be in complete confidence and go no further--including back to the MOH. It will only stand to hurt more feelings, and cause a greater divide.

If you want to be "helpful" highlight the positive. Thats what the bride really needs most of all, trust me.

 

[Haven]

Ditto to both of Italia''s posts.

While it sounds like your friend''s MOH isn''t very interested in being a part of this wedding, there must be a reason your friend chose the MOH to be her MOH in the first place. Perhaps there are more things going on with the MOH that you and your friend don''t realize.

Regardless, if we''re talking about 30-year-old women, I have to say it is certainly not your place to intervene with their friendship. Your intentions are wonderful, but I just think they''re a bit misguided in this situation.

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 10/6/2008 6:25:44 PM
Author: MsSassy
honestly, i would just let things be. Dont get involved. The MOH and her has shown the kind of people they are and they dont deserve to be apart of the wedding.

I agree with MsSassy. I think your intentions are good to try and patch things up but since you don''t really know both parties involved that well I would just do the best you can to stay out of it and help the bride with what she needs leading up to the wedding.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Date: 10/6/2008 6:45:09 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Honestly, I don''t understand why brides lean so much on their MOH''s and get terribly out of whack when the MOH isn''t at her service any time, day or night.


As a bride who had a bridal party, I never felt like it was ''my right'' as the bride to assign my BM''s duties like mailing out my invitations, or collecting money for my shower. Each of my BM''s had their own lives...children, jobs, school, boyfriends, husbands, families, they have their own set of priorities...they were busy enough without my wedding. And although I know they were each individually excited for me and wanted to be the best BM''s possible, I never let my responsibilities spill over and interfere with their individual lives. Of course, they offered as much support and assistance as they could when they had the time...but never, not once, didn''t I get mad that So-and-So was unable to drop her life to come stuff envelopes or tie favors.


I think each bride needs to take full responsibilty for her own wedding--not to mention that she has a fiance to help with the overflow...but it isn''t right to assume just because your friend is standing up for you that you also have rights to her time for an entire year without ever hearing the words ''no, I can''t''.


(disclaimer: I did have BM issues, however they were much different than this topic)


I think your friend needs to chill. Standing up for someone and just showing up is often times responsibility enough. There is typically a large cost involved, not to mention time away from family or work, and to many other odds and ends to even mention. If the MOH is saying she is ''busy'' its probably because she is ''busy''. Better she be upfront and straight forward than to blow your friend off, or not show up for prearranged events.


If your friend can''t handle mailing out her own invites, and feels the need to have an assistant, prehaps she''s better off putting someone on pay roll and hiring a coordinator or wedding planner whose only goal is to get those invites out on time!

I definitely disagree with you in this particular situation. It is completely within the normal repsonsibilities for a bridesmaid to help plan a shower or make sure one gets hosted, and the MOH should at least offer to coordinate the bachelorette party. A bride can not throw herself a shower, so to suggest that she should be the one doing the invitations and making the phone calls doesn''t make sense to me. I am not saying that the MOH should put tons of money into anything, but helping to plan the shower and party is part of the expectation when someone agrees to be a bridesmaid or a MOH.

Even if we weren''t talking about bridesmaids and MOH and the traditional responsibilities that go along with those positions, when someone agrees to host a party and takes on certain responsibilities of hosting that party such as mailing invitations, whether we''re talking about a birthday or a wedding shower or a work function, that person should not flake out of doing what they agreed to and make the other hosts have to scramble to cover for them! That''s just rude.

OP, I agree with everyone who said it''s not your place to interfere in their relationship, but I think just being a listening ear and offering to have a night out to take the bride''s mind off of wedding stress would be a good way to show your friend you care about her. Don''t make it about the MOH, just say you want to let loose and decompress.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

My best friend is standing up as my MOH and i know she has never been one before (I''m the first in the group to get married...the only reason I know what I know is because of this wonderful site As a result I think all she thinks she has extra is planning a bachlorette party and bridal shower ( and we both only think that as a result of having gone to these 2 things that have always been through by the MOH together, usually to keep the other in line at the bachlorette party! haha jk!) Anyways, as a result that is all I would expect of her and I don''t even expect her to do it all by herself, I know our 2 other best friends will help too (it was SOOO hard to choose a MOH). Anyways, that is my 2 cents, sorry I rambled on lol

 

[Puppmom]

Thank you all for your honest opinions. That''s what i''m here for! It''s just very sad to see a good friend hurting over the actions of someone close to her at what should be such a wonderful time in her life.

Haven, I think you may be onto something with MOH having other issues at this time. Otherwise, I can''t imagine she would be acting this way. Although I don''t know her terribly well, I do know that my friend thought very highly of her...enough to ask her to be her MOH.

I am going to keep out of it...it''s just so dang tempting sometimes to say "what are you thinking?!" That''s why venting and vetting here before opening the my big trap was a good idea

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 10/6/2008 9:47:36 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure

Date: 10/6/2008 6:45:09 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Honestly, I don't understand why brides lean so much on their MOH's and get terribly out of whack when the MOH isn't at her service any time, day or night.


As a bride who had a bridal party, I never felt like it was 'my right' as the bride to assign my BM's duties like mailing out my invitations, or collecting money for my shower. Each of my BM's had their own lives...children, jobs, school, boyfriends, husbands, families, they have their own set of priorities...they were busy enough without my wedding. And although I know they were each individually excited for me and wanted to be the best BM's possible, I never let my responsibilities spill over and interfere with their individual lives. Of course, they offered as much support and assistance as they could when they had the time...but never, not once, didn't I get mad that So-and-So was unable to drop her life to come stuff envelopes or tie favors.


I think each bride needs to take full responsibilty for her own wedding--not to mention that she has a fiance to help with the overflow...but it isn't right to assume just because your friend is standing up for you that you also have rights to her time for an entire year without ever hearing the words 'no, I can't'.


(disclaimer: I did have BM issues, however they were much different than this topic)


I think your friend needs to chill. Standing up for someone and just showing up is often times responsibility enough. There is typically a large cost involved, not to mention time away from family or work, and to many other odds and ends to even mention. If the MOH is saying she is 'busy' its probably because she is 'busy'. Better she be upfront and straight forward than to blow your friend off, or not show up for prearranged events.


If your friend can't handle mailing out her own invites, and feels the need to have an assistant, prehaps she's better off putting someone on pay roll and hiring a coordinator or wedding planner whose only goal is to get those invites out on time!

I definitely disagree with you in this particular situation. It is completely within the normal repsonsibilities for a bridesmaid to help plan a shower or make sure one gets hosted, and the MOH should at least offer to coordinate the bachelorette party. A bride can not throw herself a shower, so to suggest that she should be the one doing the invitations and making the phone calls doesn't make sense to me. I am not saying that the MOH should put tons of money into anything, but helping to plan the shower and party is part of the expectation when someone agrees to be a bridesmaid or a MOH.

Even if we weren't talking about bridesmaids and MOH and the traditional responsibilities that go along with those positions, when someone agrees to host a party and takes on certain responsibilities of hosting that party such as mailing invitations, whether we're talking about a birthday or a wedding shower or a work function, that person should not flake out of doing what they agreed to and make the other hosts have to scramble to cover for them! That's just rude.

OP, I agree with everyone who said it's not your place to interfere in their relationship, but I think just being a listening ear and offering to have a night out to take the bride's mind off of wedding stress would be a good way to show your friend you care about her. Don't make it about the MOH, just say you want to let loose and decompress.

I can agree with you to the extent that ... if you say you're going to do something--do it.

However, just for the sake of making a point, my Aunt threw me my shower and my BMs' (including my MOH) had nothing to do with planning, paying or hosting my shower.

My point is, there are other figures in this girls life that could host a shower, or contribute where the MOH is slacking off...why does it need to fall to MOH. Is a bridal shower worth a friendship? If she offered to do a part of it, okay...but if she's missing out, or not living up to her responsibility...take her responsibility away.

And yes, it's untraditional to have a bride involved in her shower plans...but who cares? Outside of the wedding party, no one needs to know. If this girl is that up in arms over her MOH, jump in and help out! This is her shower after all, and sometimes if you want it done right--sometimes you just have to do it yourself.

Of course none of this is the brides fault...and unfortunately people flake during weddings (we see it here all the time)...but play the hand your dealt if you want to come out on top....because you cannot force this MOH to be anything she's not, including but not limited to a good BM.

 

[glitterazzi]

Haha... Oh - I''ve been in your shoes. The first wedding I was ever in I found out I was the MOH 2 weeks before the wedding. The original MOH dropped off the face of the earth once she secured the position. Being excited for my friend and wanting to help her in any way I can I had planned a bachelorette party for her, family and other friends had planned showers for her, so I was off the hook there. I was a new college grad... I was broke, frantically looking for a job, and everything else that goes with that time of life. I didn''t have excess funds for this stuff, but I managed a reasonably low cost, yet fun as hell bachelorette party. I helped her plan, was there when she bought her dress, picked up her under garments for her, helped with decor, flowers, food, etc. She still says I planned her wedding. I''ve since played the part a couple of more times - and perfected the MOH/BM responsibilities. My point is - every bride-to-be deserves all the fun that goes along with the roll. She asks specific friends to be in her bridal party because she wants then with her as she plans HER[/i] big day. If the BM''s and MOH think they are only there to be near the center of attention on the wedding day they should never accept the honor. Historically bridesmaids literally fought off enemy suiters... and today some women are completely oblivious to the woman in white... they think it''s all about them. So many true colors come out during wedding planning... sad but true.

Don''t get involved in the feud... but be supportive. She''s got a lot on her mind right now - she may just need a sounding board. She will one day realize that her energies are best spent elsewhere, but right now she has to feel this rejection... she just needs a good friend.