Kids present @ childbirth... weird or cool?

[TravelingGal]

No.

I think I''ll just let my kid be a kid and stay with grandma, play with her toys and be excited to see little bro or sis.

It took me 34 years to be brave enough to tackle childbirth, so I figure I should at least let the kid get out of her single digits.

 

[msb700]

oh no...no no..i wouldn''t have my child there to see the birth of their sis or bro....i didnt even want DH in the room!!

my reason is that a) its not really a pretty site and b) i really wouldn''t be in the mind set to be ''loving'' to my child to make them feel that mommy really is going to be ok and finally c) I wouldn''t want to worry about ANYONE else''s feelings while giving birth! i want to concentrate on me and the baby im pushing out and dont want to have to think about what someone else is going thru and their feelings while seeing me in that position..all i need is experienced professionals who are not emotionally attached to me

but thats just me i can be selfish that way..ha ha ha

 

[snowflakeluvr]

hi IG,
when we had #4, our first child(daughter) was 15-she really wanted to be there, so she was, standing by my right shoulder. i did however, have an epidural(my first 3 births were au naturel) so although i was testy and slightly tested, it was nothing like the first three( i THINK-hard to remember now with so much going on)
then when we had #5, dd was 17 and our 3rd child(a boy) was 10 and so he and dd stood in the same spot. our other son, who was 15, said no way, and again, i had an epidural, and frankly felt no pain for the last birth(she was a teeny thing tho at 8lb6oz) so i guess it''s personal and family preference. i think my children were happy to be there, and to meet their new siblings immediately. we frankly never talk about it, because it never really comes up, so i don''t think it has been too scarring on anyone(except for moi)

 

[kcoursolle]

I don''t think it''s appropriate for younger children, but I do think it would be a good experience for an older daughter that is in her teens. It might be good for her to see what she would go through someday and as a teenager I think she could handle it just fine.

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 7/15/2008 2:17:07 AM
Author: snowflakeluvr
hi IG,

when we had #4, our first child(daughter) was 15-she really wanted to be there, so she was, standing by my right shoulder. i did however, have an epidural(my first 3 births were au naturel) so although i was testy and slightly tested, it was nothing like the first three( i THINK-hard to remember now with so much going on)

then when we had #5, dd was 17 and our 3rd child(a boy) was 10 and so he and dd stood in the same spot. our other son, who was 15, said no way, and again, i had an epidural, and frankly felt no pain for the last birth(she was a teeny thing tho at 8lb6oz) so i guess it''s personal and family preference. i think my children were happy to be there, and to meet their new siblings immediately. we frankly never talk about it, because it never really comes up, so i don''t think it has been too scarring on anyone(except for moi)

I think this makes perfect sense. They wanted to be there, and they were old enough to make the decision. For a little child with no perspective, I think that the experience could be frightening. Why introduce them to something beyond their emotional capability?

snowflakeluvr, did you say TEENY at 8lb7oz? OMG! How big were the others?

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 7/14/2008 10:11:56 PM
Author: Jas12
swinggirl--i am beginning to get a complex--i think i live in a wacky family cuz we were always pretty open about umm, 'bathroom business' in our family as well--no closed doors in our home

...it was all very, perfectly natural

i need to have a discussion with my parents... and here i thought i was well adjusted lol

Jas, you are not strange or odd in any way. I grew up in the same house as you, it sounds like

, and I agree with everything you have said in this thread. Most/all of my female friends were also born at home and had families with different beliefs/ideals than is typical in North America. Then again, we are all children of west coast hippies! And we have all turned out pretty good, if I do say so myself.

I find this thread facinating because it reveals people's core attitudes about women's bodies and birth. Most people have probably never thought about this issue before, and yet based on their attitudes about birth, everyone seems to have a strong and emotionally charged answer to the question!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

DD, not sure I would of had such a strong opinion *before* I had been through L&D

But now that I have seen behind the curtain....I do think it is MUCH different for a teenage child to be there than a young child. At least as a teenager you understand more about what is going on.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 7/15/2008 11:37:16 AM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

I find this thread facinating because it reveals people''s core attitudes about women''s bodies and birth.

I know I''ve already had a ''few goes'' on this thread...

but I don''t really think ''home vs hospital'' or ''babies on board vs at grandmas'' really DOES reveal all that much about attitudes to bodies.

I think the conversation is more complicated than that...
Much more complicated... I love my body, have faith in it and enjoy the process of birth
but I won''t be bringing my kids into the room out of respect for the possibilities of their emotional distress. I guess it''s a moot point though, as my eldest is only three!

 

[bee*]

Date: 7/14/2008 8:12:35 PM
Author: Lynn B
IMVHO, no thanks!

a big ditto!

 

[Jas12]

Dreamer--is it a coincidence that my mom was a ''westie'' as well ? I grew up in Rossland B.C (interior)
and i think you are right, this all has a great deal to do with core values and our attitudes.

Very timely--> "Birth Story" (a canadian T.V show) just had on a mom who was prepping her 3.5 yr old for her brother''s birth--the family watched videos of actual births and the mom would show the girl the faces/sounds she was going to make during the labor (it was like a game)--they decided they would take their cues from the child on the actual day of, i am interested to see if she was present for the birth (that is next week''s episode)

 

[moremoremore]

Eww. and Weird.
I don't see how people want family, etc., staring at their parts especially with what's going on with them during childbirth. But then again, I am a modest person. Thinking about having a kid, I saw a birth on youtube and I nearly passed out. Maybe I'm not maternal, but I didn't find it beautiful and found it quite barbaric (although natural) to be honest. The only thing it did for me was confirm that if I have kids, I'm having a C-Section. I can't imagine having a litte kid watching. I think 15 is a little young, but I might be ok with older kids since it'd be the ultimate form of birth control for them I'm sure.

 

[ahappygirl]

Tgal - as usual, completely on the money.

I would not bring a young child to witness the birth. A teenager - perhaps, but depends on their maturity, personality, desire and mostly the health and wishes of the woman giving birth. I would still have someone else around whose only job would be to support the teen should the need arise. Personally, I can''t have more kids but if I did it would be a repeat of last time: me, DH, wonderful doctor and one wonderful nurse. (Hopefully wouldn''t need a dozen people in the adjoining neonatal resusitation room again, though)

 

[TravelingGal]

DD, my "core attitude" about birth is that it is an awesome, beautiful and natural thing. Like you, I wanted to go all natural and the only reason I chose a hospital was convenience - and a good thing I did too because of my toxemia. MsF lives in the area and she had to go all the way to west LA for a place that was natural birth friendly. I was a bit lazy in that regard.

I went to the hospital with a birthball and all zen (not sure if you read my birthing story, but it''s all there). But the way it turned out was scary for my husband...so I would hate to think of what a child would have felt seeing me all strapped to the bed with an oxygen mask over my mouth. L&D can go any which way and sometimes it can change course suddenly. This is why I would not choose to have a child in the room with me. Sometimes things can get crazy and children can pick up on tension, which can really upset them.

Even if it goes picture perfect, I have yet to read a story of a birthing mother giving birth naturally while giggling. I would not want my child to see me in pain. In my father''s last days of the hospital, I will forever have memories of him grimacing in pain while they did all sorts of things to him. It broke my heart and I am a 35 year old woman.

That being said, everyone IS raised differently and has the right to do what they deem best for their family.

 

[Jas12]

I think in a case where something was going wrong (as in Tgals situ.) i don''t think it would even be possible/option to have your child in the room. I am obviously open to the idea of kids being around for a homebirth, but certainly not in a serious case like that (or even in a hospital setting at all--just too many unfamiliar things IMO)

Tgal--for me, the worst, worst part of labor was the heavy contractions while i dilated --ironically i barely said a word or opened my eyes during that stage, it was when i needed to start to push that i made some noise and even then i think i''ve made more noise trying to move the couch to vaccum sometimes

However, i think kids can pick up on non-verbals and can obviously tell that their moms are experiencing something very strange so who knows what they think and feel, i am really going to have to think about this for kiddo #2 if i do go the homebirth route.

 

[Miranda]

My opinion stays the same. I''m not sure what that says about my ''core attitude'' though.

I agree with Tgal. Birth IS a beautiful and natural thing. But, it can also be a very scary thing. Sometimes there''s no warning that a complication is coming. This was the case when my first was born. His cord was so tightly wrapped around his neck that the doc could not slip it around his head and had to cut it before he was out. His heart rate was dropping and staying low during the last few minutes of pushing. His lips were blue when he was born. His first apgar was 3. He did not cry for a few minutes. He was limp. You wanna talk about scary! I could not imagine a child watching as the nurses worked in a frenzied pace, guiding tubes down his throat, suctioning his lungs, and smacking him hard on the back coaxing my little one to life saying, "Come on baby. Take a breath."

 

[surfgirl]

You know, while childbirth is natural and a part of life and blah blah blah, I dont think any child really needs to see a giant, slime-covered head coming out of mommy''s vajayjay. I speak from experience as my uncle once thought it would be "real neat" to show my sibling and I a video of our cousin''s birth. Ummm, NO. It wasn''t cool, and I was in 7th/8th grade at the time.

 

[swingirl]

Date: 7/15/2008 11:37:16 AM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 7/14/2008 10:11:56 PM

Author: Jas12

swinggirl--i am beginning to get a complex--i think i live in a wacky family cuz we were always pretty open about umm, ''bathroom business'' in our family as well--no closed doors in our home

...it was all very, perfectly natural

i need to have a discussion with my parents... and here i thought i was well adjusted lol

There is nothing odd about open bathroom doors and "bathroom business". Inviting guesses to specifically watch you is another story because it is unnecessary.

I had one natural childbirth with no drugs with labor lasting about 20 minutes and one emergency C-section which required 2 blood transfusions and was attended by 2 doctors one of which climbed on the table on top me in desperation to keep me and the baby alive and safe. I wouldn''t want my children or family to have witnesses either event. DH was there, of course. They insisted he sit down fearing he would pass out.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 7/15/2008 11:37:16 AM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

I find this thread facinating because it reveals people's core attitudes about women's bodies and birth. Most people have probably never thought about this issue before, and yet based on their attitudes about birth, everyone seems to have a strong and emotionally charged answer to the question!

I think some of you are taking my comment about attitudes negatively. Yes, everyone's responses reveal core attitudes... the word choices people use reveal core attitudes. I am not judging one persons attitude as better than another, just because I don't necessarily share it. I genuinely think it is interesting that people have such strong and visceral reactions to this question, when probably none of us have ever thought about it before! That we use such strong words (some negative, some positve) to describe our opinions about birth and our opinions about people viewing our bodies reveals our strong feelings about the issue, feelings we may never have articulated before. Some people think "Ewww gross!" "How traumatic!" some people think "Beautiful" etc etc. Those are attitudes.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/15/2008 9:27:14 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 7/15/2008 11:37:16 AM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

I find this thread facinating because it reveals people''s core attitudes about women''s bodies and birth. Most people have probably never thought about this issue before, and yet based on their attitudes about birth, everyone seems to have a strong and emotionally charged answer to the question!

I think some of you are taking my comment about attitudes negatively. Yes, everyone''s responses reveal core attitudes... the word choices people use reveal core attitudes. I am not judging one persons attitude as better than another, just because I don''t necessarily share it. I genuinely think it is interesting that people have such strong and visceral reactions to this question, when probably none of us have ever thought about it before! That we use such strong words (some negative, some positve) to describe our opinions about birth and our opinions about people viewing our bodies reveals our strong feelings about the issue, feelings we may never have articulated before. Some people think ''Ewww gross!'' ''How traumatic!'' some people think ''Beautiful'' etc etc. Those are attitudes.

Yes, you are correct. But your previous post seemed to imply that those who think birth/our bodies are beautiful would want children there and those who say "ew" would not. I don''t believe that is the case.

 

[Jas12]

I shall stand alone

Here is an interesting article (similar points we have already brought up--at least i know i am not the only one who would consider it and i am not *completely* wacky)
kids at birth

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/15/2008 9:37:08 PM
Author: Jas12
I shall stand alone

Here is an interesting article (similar points we have already brought up--at least i know i am not the only one who would consider it and i am not *completely* wacky)
kids at birth

Jas, I think that last paragraph is why I would be hesitant. We don''t know what such young children will bring from such an experience.

Also, whatever our opinions, people who DO opt to have children during the birth should understand that it is not a very common experience for children, nor (judging from this thread) is it a common desire to for parents to have their children participate. Young school aged children who then want to share this experience with other children may be teased or even ostracized.

Off to put my child to bed...

 

[jas]

I am proud of my body and all it is capable of, most notably carrying and eventually delivering children.

I marvel at the birth process, but do not feel the desire to share the experience (at least the final 2 stages) with anyone other than my husband and medical team. I do not think I would want children in there.

Are there "icky" parts in my mind? Yes. Is that part of the beauty of the process? Yes.

I think, for me, it''s a privacy issue. Additionally, I am more focused on the whole "parenting" thing rather than the birthing thing. For me, and I hope this makes sense, it''s akin to a wedding vs. a marriage. One big important day to start off a lifetime.

I made certain that there were parts of my wedding day that were specifically and only for me and DH (and our officiant).

I applaud the choices all women make in this journey and would hope that people applaud (or at least support) mine.

And Jas12, you are not wacky at all.

 

[decodelighted]

I haven't read all the responses ... (and don't wanna, don't make me

) ... so I don't know if anyone else brought this up but I read an article the other day about a new documentary called "The Orgasmic Birth" -- about, um, the Big O happening to some women DURING the birthing process.

. THAT would be uncomfie in front of the wee ones -- for EVERYONE involved.

ETA: Hereis a link to the site on the doc. And here is the write up I saw ... so you don't think I'm making this up!!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 7/15/2008 9:36:09 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 7/15/2008 9:27:14 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 7/15/2008 11:37:16 AM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

I find this thread facinating because it reveals people''s core attitudes about women''s bodies and birth. Most people have probably never thought about this issue before, and yet based on their attitudes about birth, everyone seems to have a strong and emotionally charged answer to the question!

I think some of you are taking my comment about attitudes negatively. Yes, everyone''s responses reveal core attitudes... the word choices people use reveal core attitudes. I am not judging one persons attitude as better than another, just because I don''t necessarily share it. I genuinely think it is interesting that people have such strong and visceral reactions to this question, when probably none of us have ever thought about it before! That we use such strong words (some negative, some positve) to describe our opinions about birth and our opinions about people viewing our bodies reveals our strong feelings about the issue, feelings we may never have articulated before. Some people think ''Ewww gross!'' ''How traumatic!'' some people think ''Beautiful'' etc etc. Those are attitudes.

Yes, you are correct. But your previous post seemed to imply that those who think birth/our bodies are beautiful would want children there and those who say ''ew'' would not. I don''t believe that is the case.

Then I''m glad I clarified, because that was not what I meant at all!

I think my POV is clearer in my reply, above. The attitudes we hold could apply to it being a private affair versus a public affair, the attitude could apply to it being scary versus effortful, the attitude could apply to a woman''s body being a little gross or just born babies being yucky versus it all being beautiful etc etc etc. And these attitudes seem to brew up to the surface when we consider unusual scenerios like the one Indy suggested. We may not even know why we hold a particular view, but our reaction tells us something about our attitudes that we may not have thought about before. Maybe I am the only one who thinks this is really interesting (crazy psychologist

), but I am always surprised by the particular questions that seem to hone in on previously-unarticulated attitudes. Whether she meant to or not, I think that Indy may have tapped one such question for some of us.

For the record, I wouldn''t personally want my kids there when I give birth, at least at my first birth

, because I am a private person (there''s the attitude I didn''t know I had!) and only want my DH and midwives present. But I also think in the right circumstances, it is not necessarily a horrid and traumatic thing. My friend watched her brother being born and even helped bury the placenta under a tree in the back yard (crazy hippies!

) when she was 5 and she thought it was really cool. She was just lucky they didn''t decide to engage in that other hippie tradition of pureeing the placenta in a blender and drinking it

 

[Miranda]

Date: 7/15/2008 9:54:10 PM
Author: decodelighted
I haven''t read all the responses ... (and don''t wanna, don''t make me

) ... so I don''t know if anyone else brought this up but I read an article the other day about a new documentary called ''The Orgasmic Birth'' -- about, um, the Big O happening to some women DURING the birthing process.

. THAT would be uncomfie in front of the wee ones -- for EVERYONE involved.

ETA: Hereis a link to the site on the doc. And here is the write up I saw ... so you don''t think I''m making this up!!

Ewww Ewwww Ewwwww. Are you kidding me?! I''d rather live in my repressed state than have a big O when my kid is coming out!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 7/15/2008 11:47:26 PM
Author: Miranda

Date: 7/15/2008 9:54:10 PM
Author: decodelighted
I haven''t read all the responses ... (and don''t wanna, don''t make me

) ... so I don''t know if anyone else brought this up but I read an article the other day about a new documentary called ''The Orgasmic Birth'' -- about, um, the Big O happening to some women DURING the birthing process.

. THAT would be uncomfie in front of the wee ones -- for EVERYONE involved.

ETA: Hereis a link to the site on the doc. And here is the write up I saw ... so you don''t think I''m making this up!!

Ewww Ewwww Ewwwww. Are you kidding me?! I''d rather live in my repressed state than have a big O when my kid is coming out!

Well you learn something new here every day, never heard of anyone having the big O while giving birth!!!

 

[diamondfan]

That is just too weird. And I never did, not once.

 

[Miranda]

Date: 7/16/2008 12:31:17 AM
Author: diamondfan
That is just too weird. And I never did, not once.

Me either. While it was a life changing event, it was certainly NOT orgasmic!

 

[Delster]

I just posted on the ''homebirth in hospital'' thread and something I wrote there reminded me of this thread.

For me, no, I wouldn''t want an older child present. I can see how it could be a positive experience for the older child if handled correctly, and I don''t think it would automatically have to be traumatising. Nonetheless, it wouldn''t be for me. I''m not even big on the idea of FH being there! In my mind it''s kind of ''the fewer people, the better!''

Something that really bothers me in that regard is that in Ireland, even if you have super-douper ''you-are-guaranteed-a-private-room'' medical insurance, you are never guaranteed a delivery suite all to yourself. So another labouring woman, plus her birthing partner (you''re only allowed one person with you), and her medical team, may well be in the room right beside you as you (both) deliver. Anecdotally I''ve been told it happens about once a day in our local maternity hospital. I don''t like the thought of that!!!

 

[diamondsrock]

Date: 7/15/2008 11:47:26 PM
Author: Miranda

Date: 7/15/2008 9:54:10 PM
Author: decodelighted
I haven''t read all the responses ... (and don''t wanna, don''t make me

) ... so I don''t know if anyone else brought this up but I read an article the other day about a new documentary called ''The Orgasmic Birth'' -- about, um, the Big O happening to some women DURING the birthing process.

. THAT would be uncomfie in front of the wee ones -- for EVERYONE involved.

ETA: Hereis a link to the site on the doc. And here is the write up I saw ... so you don''t think I''m making this up!!

Ewww Ewwww Ewwwww. Are you kidding me?! I''d rather live in my repressed state than have a big O when my kid is coming out!

Yes, agreed! That site is very disturbing to say the least. I can''t even explain how unsettling I find that...
And no to kids in the room, especially young kids but middle aged and older as well, with the exception of a teenage daughter I guess. I watched a tv show once where the mom had her kid (or kids, can''t remember), her husband, and both of her parents in the room. I cringed while her father watched her give birth. The mom to be''s dad just doesn''t belong in there watching that, in my opinion. Weird!