Home It takes a lot for me to lose my sense of humor…

[TravelingGal]

So…yeah.

I’m not normally a venter. At all. And if I do, I do it in real life and not on the net. But I find myself in a situation where I don’t want to vent about it to anyone I know, because this still upsets me and I can’t talk about it without getting a bit fired up.

Therefore, wouldja all mind if I shared here? Maybe I can write it out, post it, feel heard, get some good suggestions on how to enact revenge and then move on without counseling. Hee.

My father passed away two months ago. My mother chose the funeral home and without going into it, my brother and I knew the place was dodgy. But she wanted a Korean owned place and we wanted her to be comfy, so that was that.

They performed all services as agreed. No problems there. The guy who owned the place (let’s call him “MM” for Mortuary Man) and who assisted with my dad’s funeral was a bit annoying in the sense that he was all business and directive (is that a word?) He ordered people here and there and told us to line up here and there and greet people there and here, etc etc.

At the burial site, we had another service, and when it was all over, MM came up in front of everyone who was lingering and shooed them all away with his hands, saying, Go, there is nothing more to see here.

But there was something for ME to see. I stood there, alone, after everyone milled away toward their cars and watched them lower my dad into the ground. Crying, still very much in grief, with good thoughts of my dad in mind and talking to him with my heart.

Suddenly MM appeared by my side and told me to go tip the guy who was cleaning the flowers (the guy was one of his employees).

If I were my normal self, I may have tore him to shreds (or at least been very direct and told him to go to hell and leave me alone with my final few minutes looking at my dad’s coffin). But I was so numb with grief that I shuffled off to find someone who had cash because I didn’t think to bring any for my dad’s funeral.

My lasting memories of my dad’s funeral (as much as I have tried to change things in my mind) are of that stupid man telling a grieving daughter that she needed to tip someone. Could he not have waited? I was visibly CRYING for god''s sake. I hate that our society is a litigious one, but boy, if I could sue the pants off the guy for making me STILL cry when I think about it, I would.

Other scenarios I’ve thought about is to unleash some fleas (which have plagued our apartment building) into his place of business, but that would not be very fair to the next grieving, unsuspecting family who use them. Then I thought….roaches! They are hard to eradicate and perhaps it would stop someone from using them after seeing a roach poke out from a stack of papers and scurry across a desk.

And then, I just realize that I have to build a bridge and get over it. So here I am…about 4 years into pricescope and my first real vent! Well, I think I vented about a certain wedding guestbook…so I guess both my vents have to do with funerals!

Gah.

 

[Skippy123]

Tgal, I am so sorry that was incredibly insensitive of him and so sorry for your loss. I would be extremely angry too!!! I will help you take the roaches over to that jerk! Hugs, you are a strong woman, with a gorgeous family!

 

[Miranda]

I cannot believe that sack of SH!@ - Are you kidding me?! No, I know you''re not. I''m so so sorry honey. Both for the loss of your dad and for that bast!@#s behavior. That is just awful. I would take a full page ad out in the paper writing about what a (insert expletive of your choice as all apply) that guy is. Wait a minute...Is that slander? I tend to have a vengeful soul and then get over it. I would really neeeeeed to retaliate in some way. Have you thought of rats?

 

[Dreamer_D]

TGal, I''m so sorry you had to go through that, and I''m sorry for your loss. Vent away my friend! Vent away...

I think that unleashing rats is in order.

 

[snlee]

Wow! What a *#$&%!& a$$! I am so pissed at him for being beyond rude to you and ruining your lasting memory of your father''s funeral service. I am sorry for your loss and sorry you had to deal with this insensitive a$$! Vent away...I hope it helps a little.

 

[neatfreak]

I will completely come out to LA and kick his @ss for you TGal. That is just so wrong. You vent away as much as you need to.

Have you thought about writing a review of your experience at the BBB or some other consumer website? That way despite the fact that nothing can be done at this point to make your experience better, you might save someone else the heartache?

Might make you feel better.

What a jerk. And I for one vote for roaches.

 

[Kaleigh]

He did what??

Oh TGal, that''s sooooo wrong. You have every right to feel as you do!!! I would love to kick his sorry As* too. I don''t know what you do. You know what I would to for MM?? I''d call him and tell him exactly what you just told us. Tell him how insensitive that was. Maybe he will learn a lesson?? I doubt it, but worth a try and would make you feel better??

I am sorry sweetie, that''s the last thing you needed on that day.

I have no words, well I do but they can''t be posted on here....

HUGS!!!!!!


You can vent here anytime!!!

 

[dani13]

OMG, TG, I am so sorry that you had to experience that. What an a@#$%*e!!!!!! Total disregard for your feelings!!!!

I am so terribly sorry for your loss!!! *Hugs*

 

[miraclesrule]

((((((( Tgal ))))))))))<--------------------hugs, hugs and more hugs....

And maybe a middle ring finger for MM. You know, it's really when we are at are most vulnerable that true compassion is recognized and appreciated. And it's wierd that at times like these we aren't capable of being our "normal" selves and able to tell clueless people to "pound sand" in far more graphic terms. It's probably what he needed most. A serious "check swing" as in baseball.

In true TG style, I know that you will have a very colorful conversation with your dad about said SOB (that could also mean Shortness of Breath, so it's not swearing)

I can feel your loss from here.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

O. M. G.

For once, I''m completely speechless. I''m going to have to take a moment . . .

OK, I think I''ve got it now. TGal, I am SO sorry you had to deal with this JACKASS!!! I don''t think I''ve ever heard of anyone who made a more wrong career choice than this jerk did. Ugh! I just can''t imagine treating a grieving daughter that way at her own father''s funeral! WTF?!?! You just let me know when we''re going over there!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I read this post over an hour ago and was so angry that I didn''t even want to reply because the whole post would have been four letter words, starting with "are you &*#$ing kidding me?!?!". TGal, I''m just so sorry, I don''t know what to say. When I think of the scene it partly makes me want to cry and partly makes me want to punch somebody in the face. What an AWFUL thing for you to have to go through. I agree that writing a letter to the BBB might be the best course of action here...I don''t know. What happened could never be remedied, but at this point I think that doing whatever it is that might help you is best.

 

[zoebartlett]

TGal -- I''m so sorry for the loss of your dad, and I''m sorry that MM did that to you. I''m not sure if this would help, but have you considered writing MM and his business a letter, stating how wrong it was to do that and how he made you feel? It might not make that cold-hearted man have a change of heart, but it might help you get your thoughts out and directed towards the man who is responsible for your last memories of your dad''s funeral.

 

[LAJennifer]

T-Gal, I second the roaches idea. I''m scared of bugs, but if you need me to create a distraction while you do your business - well, just let me know.

 

[littlelysser]

Tgal - MM is sucks. I don't know what else to say. I'm so sorry that happened. What a jack ass.

For real revenge/closure - I'd suggest perhaps writing MM a letter. You could even do it anonymously. At the very least, it'll give him the shredding he deserves...and perhaps, just PERHAPS, it might prevent him from treating someone else so inexcusably. And perhaps CCing the BBB on the letter. And just for fun, I'd CC your attorney too. And if you don't have an attorney, make one up! It might scare him a bit, which he CLEARLY deserves!

As for revenge, I'd suggest either locusts or frogs...get the whole plague thing going there too!

eta - the whole anon thing won't work if you are CCing your lawyer...but you get the idea!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/30/2008 9:22:44 PM
Author: littlelysser
Tgal - MM is sucks. I don''t know what else to say. I''m so sorry that happened. What a jack ass.

For real revenge/closure - I''d suggest perhaps writing MM a letter. You could even do it anonymously. At the very least, it''ll give him the shredding he deserves...and perhaps, just PERHAPS, it might prevent him from treating someone else so inexcusably. And perhaps CCing the BBB on the letter. And just for fun, I''d CC your attorney too. And if you don''t have an attorney, make one up! It might scare him a bit, which he CLEARLY deserves!

As for revenge, I''d suggest either locusts or frogs...get the whole plague thing going there too!

eta - the whole anon thing won''t work if you are CCing your lawyer...but you get the idea!

LOL, thanks ladies. I feel a titch better. Boy, maybe I should start venting on PS more often...hehehe.

I''ve thought of doing all the above (that you all mentioned). Not sure if he''s with the BBB, but I''ll check if I can do something through them. I don''t even know the name of the business, as it was in Korean. Not sure if he''d care though...many Korean-only speaking Koreans wouldn''t even check something like the BBB.

As for a letter, again I believe he only speaks Korean and I can''t write it, so I can''t do much there. I am considering writing something in English anyway, as I am sure someone over there speaks English.

I may wait until I know my father''s headstone is done (they are doing that too). And then unleash the WRATH.

It''s tough for me to sit here and understand how anyone could think what he did was a good idea. But Koreans are funny, and there is a reason why the rude Korean stereotype exists. But isn''t grief and loss the same in every culture?

I may start reading the bible again...for PLAGUE ideas.

 

[FireGoddess]

Wow, just reading that makes my blood boil.

I''m so sorry this happened to you. When you are ready to do so, this place deserves a reckoning.

In addition to what has been mentioned, I''d suggest posting ''reviews'' of this place anywhere online that people might look. Or taking out an ad in the local Korean newspaper (is there one?). This @sshole deserves some fire and brimstone. And a swift kick to the head.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 8/30/2008 10:35:07 PM
Author: FireGoddess
Wow, just reading that makes my blood boil.

I''m so sorry this happened to you. When you are ready to do so, this place deserves a reckoning.

In addition to what has been mentioned, I''d suggest posting ''reviews'' of this place anywhere online that people might look. Or taking out an ad in the local Korean newspaper (is there one?). This @sshole deserves some fire and brimstone. And a swift kick to the head.

Great idea FG.

TGal, is MM the owner or an employee?

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/30/2008 10:41:01 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 8/30/2008 10:35:07 PM
Author: FireGoddess
Wow, just reading that makes my blood boil.

I''m so sorry this happened to you. When you are ready to do so, this place deserves a reckoning.

In addition to what has been mentioned, I''d suggest posting ''reviews'' of this place anywhere online that people might look. Or taking out an ad in the local Korean newspaper (is there one?). This @sshole deserves some fire and brimstone. And a swift kick to the head.

Great idea FG.

TGal, is MM the owner or an employee?

I believe he is the owner Kaleigh...I''d have to check but I remember my mom telling me he was.

You know, I always said one should not let things eat at them...the only loser is the person who is getting eaten alive. But in this case, I wish there was something I could do to spare another family the same grief. An ad in the paper? Hm. I''d probably get sued for slander. Koreans are getting the hang of the great American dream of suing...

Honestly, I may just start with a letter...maybe I''ll craft it this week and see what you all think. I''ll ask my brother if the guy speaks English...he had to deal with him to arrange the funeral but I think my mom was there too so they were mostly speaking Korean.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 8/30/2008 10:44:23 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 8/30/2008 10:41:01 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 8/30/2008 10:35:07 PM
Author: FireGoddess
Wow, just reading that makes my blood boil.

I''m so sorry this happened to you. When you are ready to do so, this place deserves a reckoning.

In addition to what has been mentioned, I''d suggest posting ''reviews'' of this place anywhere online that people might look. Or taking out an ad in the local Korean newspaper (is there one?). This @sshole deserves some fire and brimstone. And a swift kick to the head.

Great idea FG.

TGal, is MM the owner or an employee?

I believe he is the owner Kaleigh...I''d have to check but I remember my mom telling me he was.

You know, I always said one should not let things eat at them...the only loser is the person who is getting eaten alive. But in this case, I wish there was something I could do to spare another family the same grief. An ad in the paper? Hm. I''d probably get sued for slander. Koreans are getting the hang of the great American dream of suing...

Honestly, I may just start with a letter...maybe I''ll craft it this week and see what you all think. I''ll ask my brother if the guy speaks English...he had to deal with him to arrange the funeral but I think my mom was there too so they were mostly speaking Korean.

You could write the letter and get all your feelings out, and perhaps hand deliver it. I dunno, my Nanny taught me not to put anything in writing, she was one to call and ream someone out. But I applaud you for trying to prevent this ***** from doing this to someone else. Best of luck, let us know how it goes. You''re right, don''t let this eat you up. I am hoping what goes around comes back to bite him big time, gotta love Karma!!!!

 

[decodelighted]

OH NO! I am FURIOUS for you. Can't think of *what* to do. In a perverse kind of way it's like a tap on the shoulder saying "Life in all its extreme pettiness *does* go on & on & on & on". Like a cosmic bad joke? Gallows humor? Like: "We interrupt your tragedy for these commercial messages".

BBB sounds like a good start. 'fraid a letter would fall on deaf ears of one so incredibly insensitive. But sometimes the release is just in the writing of it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. WARM HUG.

 

[TravelingGal]

Kaleigh, you''re probably right...I''ll go in person and yell at him...and I only know the *good* words in Korean anyway.

Date: 8/30/2008 11:56:21 PM
Author: decodelighted
OH NO! I am FURIOUS for you. Can''t think of *what* to do. In a perverse kind of way it''s like a tap on the shoulder saying ''Life in all its extreme pettiness *does* go on & on & on & on''. Like a cosmic bad joke? Gallows humor? Like: ''We interrupt your tragedy for these commercial messages''.

BBB sounds like a good start. ''fraid a letter would fall on deaf ears of one so incredibly insensitive. But sometimes the release is just in the writing of it.

I''m so sorry for your loss. WARM HUG.

Ha...I''m all for a cosmic joke, even when pissed off. I guess that actually makes me feel better...puts things in perspective, yanno? I believe in karma, so he''ll get his, I''m sure. And even if he doesn''t...he works at a funeral home and has to deal with sad people all the time. Can''t be uplifting for the soul. For me, that would be punishment enough. I can barely bear sad PS pet stories, much less people who lose loved HUMANS. As much as I have wanted to lurk on the eldery parents thread, I have never gone to read it (even while dealing with my dad dying). I would spend my entire day crying and hurting for the people going through this. I chose to be "shallow" and gawk at rocks instead.

So here''s hoping for karma (would I be asking for bad karma if I wish it on others? Hmmm.) However, pestilence still has a certain draw for me...

 

[Italiahaircolor]

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss.

Secondly, while this is probably something you''ll never get over...letting your anger go will help you heal. Not everyone in the world is a kind, gentle, or even compassionate...of course we would hope those in the funeral industry would have a touch more kindness in them, but apparently MM doesn''t. I am sorry MM stole your last moments with you father, and took the peaceful memory from you. I wouldn''t plauge him with swarms of insects, because he probably wouldn''t care, but I would be sure to tell others that your experience was poor. The worst damage you can do is damage to his business reputation. Put a complaint under Yahoo Business, Google...smear him honestly and openly. That will hit him where it''ll hurt.

 

[Selkie]

Ugh. What an insensitive wretch. I''m so sorry. Did your mom find him through friends? Is there a "grapevine" you can start spreading the story through? Seems like word-of-mouth is more effective in this scenario...well, that and just going there and yelling at him.

 

[luckystar112]

I''ll echo everything everyone else has said.
Is it normal to be asked to tip at a funeral? I mean seriously. I''ve never heard of that. If ever there was an inappropriate place to solitic tips I''d say that a funeral parlor is IT.

Seriously....tipping? At a funeral? WOW.

 

[VRBeauty]

I can''t believe someone would do that

, and I''m so sorry your memories of your father''s funeral have been marred by this man''s insensitivity. Maybe it''s some consolation that if you hadn''t been there to bear the brunt of his insensitivity, he would probably have laid his demands on your mother.

But I''m concerned about you & your hurt and anger. Maybe start by writing a letter.. or two.. or however many it takes... to help you get over the anger. Write the letter(s) and see where that leads you. You might end up sending a letter to MM, or to the BBB, or you might decide that you need to talk to him directly.

If you decide on a letter, you might consider copying the licensing bureau

http://www.cfb.ca.gov/consumer/funeral.shtml#complaints

in addition to the BBB. I doubt they can take any sort of action in the basis of even gross insensitivity, but it might go into a file with whatever other complaints come in... and it might help get his attention.

In the meantime, you might enjoy the cockroach scenes in the movie Pacific Heights... even if it is the bad guy unleashing the roaches.

**hugs**

 

[D2B]

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for the loss of your father.

MM, was very insensitive, not on.



d2b

 

[msb700]

TGal: so sorry u had to go thru that!! (and even more sorry that u had to deal with this quietly all this time until u decided to vent here

)...

U have gotten some great advice here and i echo a lot of what everyone said...

Please dont let wat this idiot did tarnish ur last memory of being with ur father..he(MM) is not worth it...

big hugs to you...

 

[Gemma12]

I cannot believe that someone in that business would be SO insensitive! Agree that waiting until your business relationship has finished (ie headstone) before pursuing it is a wise idea-but the fact that he approached you so blazenly and inappropriately just makes my blood boil.

It also makes me think that this must be a pattern of behaviour for him. To just ignore the circumstances and your emotional state to ask for money

....well, as Lisa said, there are no (forum appropriate) words. So I think pursuing it through the BBB might take the wind out of his sails. I can understand you not wanting to vent to your mom, or bad mouth him to other Korean families, as that might make her feel bad-but he needs to know that his business is at risk unless he picks up his game.

I''m so sorry about the loss of your dad and now additionally sorry that this happened.

 

[Sabine]

ARGH, I am sooo angry for you! What a jerk! I''m so sorry that he had the nerve and insensitivity to act that way. I know there is not going to be much that will help you to feel better, but one thing you could possibly do is report him to the bbb or some other consumer report group, because I honestly feel that the best revenge is the truth, and this man truthfully should not be in the business he is in. And although doing something mean would feel better in the short run, maybe doing something to help future families from incurring his gall will help in the long run?

 

[Lorelei]

Tgal, I am so sorry you had to go through this during that very difficult time. I do know something of how you feel, when I lost my Father things happened during his passing that were completely unacceptable. I took steps to make sure that what happened to my Father would not happen to anyone else - it did bring us some closure and you will find the right way to proceed to let this funeral director know what he did was way out of line.

Hugs to you