Issues between my in-laws and parents

[MissStepcut]

We're having a wedding followed by a brunch reception, and then a larger evening reception two weeks later. The first will be the "American" wedding in Chicago (where FH and I live) and the second will be the "Bengali" reception in VIrginia (where FH grew up and I have lots of friends as well). I didn't necessarily want to do it this way, but my future in-laws insisted, and since the two receptions are far apart, it does give more people on their side of the family a chance to attend (but no matter what, my parents will have to travel from Oregon). Anyway, my father and step-mother cannot make it to the Bengali reception. It's too expensive and too much time off from work for them and from school for my little sister. My mom, step-dad and brother will be going to both.

I know my in-laws are upset about it and see it as a personal slight. What, if anything, can I do to smooth this over? Part of the problem, I think, is that Bengalis often have multiple wedding-related parties. Obviously in the U.S. there's really only one wedding and one reception, so my parents aren't necessarily predisposed to expecting to have to go to more than one. It doesn't help that I'll be giving birth in November, and my dad and step-mom want to come back to Chicago for that, so they whole thing is just draining on them.

What can or should I do to try to make them feel better about this?

 

[distracts]

Is it your dad and step-mom you are wanting to make better or your in-laws?

For your dad and step-mom - they are going to the reception that they can go to, and that is all you expect of them and you are happy they can make it.

For your in-laws, unless they are willing to pay for your dad and step-mom to come to Virginia, and provide them employment should it not work out with their jobs, they need to STFU. You don't get to dictate when someone else travels across the country, not even if it is a family member for a wedding-related event. I wouldn't bother sugarcoating it.

 

[MissStepcut]

Is it your dad and step-mom you are wanting to make better or your in-laws?

For your dad and step-mom - they are going to the reception that they can go to, and that is all you expect of them and you are happy they can make it.

For your in-laws, unless they are willing to pay for your dad and step-mom to come to Virginia, and provide them employment should it not work out with their jobs, they need to STFU. You don't get to dictate when someone else travels across the country, not even if it is a family member for a wedding-related event. I wouldn't bother sugarcoating it.

Oh, they'd be willing to pay. Happily. Of course, there is no way my dad would accept the gift. It would be insulting to them.

I think they would be happy to try to make nice somehow. Maybe a phone call is in order.

 

[iLander]

Send a big flower arrangement to the Bengali reception with a card that says "We are there in spirit" or something like that. Sign your father's name to it.

Other than that, they'll just have to suck it up.

 

[junebug17]

Maybe your FH can tell his parents what you 've said here - basically just tell them the reasons they won't be attending. They seem like valid reasons to me. If his parents still feel slighted, I don't see how you can change their feelings about it, so you might have to just let it go and try not to worry about it.

 

[MissStepcut]

Send a big flower arrangement to the Bengali reception with a card that says "We are there in spirit" or something like that. Sign your father's name to it.

Other than that, they'll just have to suck it up.

I really like this idea.

 

[Missy]

Ugh, why do people insist on making drama where there has to be none. Why do people love to fight and feel slighted no matter what.
Personal? It's your wedding and if you are not offended and you understand why they cannot make both weddings why must your inlaws make this into a huge deal??
No offense to your in laws to be MSC but it really seems unreasonable to me that they should be insulted some of your family cannot take the time/funds to attend 2 weddings for the same couple especially such a short time apart.

All you can do is explain the very rational reasons to them and hope they see it in their hearts to have some compassion for those less fortunate who cannot take unlimited time (and funds) off work/life.

 

[Missy]

Send a big flower arrangement to the Bengali reception with a card that says "We are there in spirit" or something like that. Sign your father's name to it.

Other than that, they'll just have to suck it up.

I really like this idea.

I would definitely check that this would be OK with your father. He may not take kindly to someone doing this for him and his wife. If he wants to do it great but I would check it out with them first.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Other than explaining circumstances and American customs, there's not much else you can do. They will just have to accept the facts the way they are.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Bengali reception? Stepcut, this might be a more serious breach of etiquette than those unfamiliar with the culture might realize. Like, really, really bad. HUGE. By how many generations are they separated from the old country?

 

[MissStepcut]

Ugh, why do people insist on making drama where there has to be none. Why do people love to fight and feel slighted no matter what.
Personal? It's your wedding and if you are not offended and you understand why they cannot make both weddings why must your inlaws make this into a huge deal??
No offense to your in laws to be MSC but it really seems unreasonable to me that they should be insulted some of your family cannot take the time/funds to attend 2 weddings for the same couple especially such a short time apart.

All you can do is explain the very rational reasons to them and hope they see it in their hearts to have some compassion for those less fortunate who cannot take unlimited time (and funds) off work/life.

I'm not offended, but in their culture, multiple wedding celebrations are the norm, some hosted by the bride's family and some by the groom. So I don't think they see it as an unreasonable expectation the way most Americans would.

And the bouquet: I think my dad would be open to sending it himself, I'll suggest it to him. I know they feel badly about slighting the in-laws.

 

[Missy]

Ugh, why do people insist on making drama where there has to be none. Why do people love to fight and feel slighted no matter what.
Personal? It's your wedding and if you are not offended and you understand why they cannot make both weddings why must your inlaws make this into a huge deal??
No offense to your in laws to be MSC but it really seems unreasonable to me that they should be insulted some of your family cannot take the time/funds to attend 2 weddings for the same couple especially such a short time apart.

All you can do is explain the very rational reasons to them and hope they see it in their hearts to have some compassion for those less fortunate who cannot take unlimited time (and funds) off work/life.

I'm not offended, but in their culture, multiple wedding celebrations are the norm, some hosted by the bride's family and some by the groom. So I don't think they see it as an unreasonable expectation the way most Americans would.

And the bouquet: I think my dad would be open to sending it himself, I'll suggest it to him. I know they feel badly about slighting the in-laws.

Hopefully that will keep the peace. I am sure if your dh to be sits down with them and explains it they will also understand and then when your father sends the bouquet and his and his wife's apologies all will be good. It is difficult bridging 2 cultures and I do not mean to make light of that at all. It's just that this is the beginning of your new life with your dh and baby to be and your in-laws need to be respectful of your culture especially because you and your family live here. When the baby comes it will only get more difficult regarding the in-laws. So it is good to get off on a good foot but also to make it clear you and your dh will make the decisions re your family. I can share a quick story about my BIL (raised Catholic) and his wife (who is not Catholic) and my MIL wanted them to baptize their baby. It went against everything my SIL believes in and well, you can see where the problems begin.

Good luck MSC and cannot wait to see pics of your weddings!!!

 

[Gypsy]

Don't get involved. You have enough on your plate.

If they want to imagine a slight where there is none there is nothing you can do.

Your parent's aren't going anything wrong. And they shouldn't be made to feel like they are.

Weddings are all drama and emotion. That's their nature. All you can do is opt out of the unnecessary drama. And this is unnecessary.

You can't make everyone happy. And this is out of your control. So don't even try.

 

[MissStepcut]

Don't get involved. You have enough on your plate.

If they want to imagine a slight where there is none there is nothing you can do.

Your parent's aren't going anything wrong. And they shouldn't be made to feel like they are.

Weddings are all drama and emotion. That's their nature. All you can do is opt out of the unnecessary drama. And this is unnecessary.

You can't make everyone happy. And this is out of your control. So don't even try.

Hate to admit it, but this is probably really what I was looking to hear. Thanks.

 

[sstephensid]

Ugh, why do people insist on making drama where there has to be none. Why do people love to fight and feel slighted no matter what.
Personal? It's your wedding and if you are not offended and you understand why they cannot make both weddings why must your inlaws make this into a huge deal??
No offense to your in laws to be MSC but it really seems unreasonable to me that they should be insulted some of your family cannot take the time/funds to attend 2 weddings for the same couple especially such a short time apart.

All you can do is explain the very rational reasons to them and hope they see it in their hearts to have some compassion for those less fortunate who cannot take unlimited time (and funds) off work/life.

I'm not offended, but in their culture, multiple wedding celebrations are the norm, some hosted by the bride's family and some by the groom. So I don't think they see it as an unreasonable expectation the way most Americans would.

And the bouquet: I think my dad would be open to sending it himself, I'll suggest it to him. I know they feel badly about slighting the in-laws.

I agree with Missy. I totally understand their culture is different. However, why can't the understanding be reciprocated on their end? Their culture it is common and expected to attend all wedding functions. The American culture it is not common and expected to attend multiple receptions. Plus, surely limited $ and limited time off could be understood in ANY culture.

 

[amc80]

Bengali reception? Stepcut, this might be a more serious breach of etiquette than those unfamiliar with the culture might realize. Like, really, really bad. HUGE. By how many generations are they separated from the old country?

I'd like to hear more about this.

 

[MissStepcut]

Bengali reception? Stepcut, this might be a more serious breach of etiquette than those unfamiliar with the culture might realize. Like, really, really bad. HUGE. By how many generations are they separated from the old country?

Oh God, what? Tell me. They were both born there. For what it's worth, they're Bangladeshi (not from West Bengal).

 

[Dreamer_D]

Weddings and the birth of grandchildren bring out the crazy in every family. I am in the camp that you cannot please everyone, and in a cross cultural union, these types of issues are bound to come up a lot -- every family has its own micro-culture I think, but add a broader macro-cultural difference on top of that and misunderstandings will happen. The reaction to this one might be a precedent -- who's expectations "win"? I think neither. Everyone should be able to choose to do what they wish, and you just stay out of it as much as possible. Goodness knows you do not want to create a norm where you feel the need to apologise or smooth things over everytime a family member gets their panties bunched

 

[Enerchi]

Gypsy and Dreamer - I love what both of you have written. weddings are very emotional times for sure, but assigning expectations (which seems to be the norm nowadays...) isn't fair. Best as the bride to just step back and let the situation play out. You will have enough on your plate. Let it ride.

Everyone involved are grown ups, who can make their own choices that work best for them.

 

[JewelFreak]

Our cross-cultural wedding had its problems too, so I understand your concern. iLander's idea is brilliant. It should do the trick, and if it doesn't, it's up to them to deal with, not you.

Your DH-to-be might remind them they are in America, not Bengal. By doing 2 things, you both are trying your best to make them happy. But the U.S. is HUGE & going from one coast to another involves a great deal more time & expense than the same in Bengal.

Me? I'd explain, be pleasant, & completely refuse to buy into their angst, if the flowers & explanation aren't enough. Just ignore it & behave to them as if it hadn't come up. Once the baby comes they'll forget the whole thing anyhow. Have 2 very happy weddings!

--- Laurie

 

[Gypsy]

Don't get involved. You have enough on your plate.

If they want to imagine a slight where there is none there is nothing you can do.

Your parent's aren't going anything wrong. And they shouldn't be made to feel like they are.

Weddings are all drama and emotion. That's their nature. All you can do is opt out of the unnecessary drama. And this is unnecessary.

You can't make everyone happy. And this is out of your control. So don't even try.

Hate to admit it, but this is probably really what I was looking to hear. Thanks.

My family is from Iran, and my DH is Italian American from NJ. I know all about cultural norms and cultural offenses.

My feeling. We're in America now. Deal with it. My family opted to come over themselves, *I* certainly didn't get a say in the decision, and neither did your FI. His family chose to come here-- now they have to learn to deal with the consequences. Period. They end. They can't pick and chose what they like about being an American.

They are CREATING this drama. They may think that it's just drama that exists without them, but they are wrong. If they CHOSE to go along with it, and if THEY don't make a big deal out of it everyone else will FOLLOW THEIR LEAD. That's it. As far as I'm concerned they just need to get over it.

 

[onedrop]

Bengali reception? Stepcut, this might be a more serious breach of etiquette than those unfamiliar with the culture might realize. Like, really, really bad. HUGE. By how many generations are they separated from the old country?

I am curious about this too.

 

[marymm]

I definitely agree with the "opt out of the drama" advice. You may also want to keep in mind that however you decide to handle this situation will "set the tone" for the future - it is likely cultures and expectations will clash again between and among your families - continue to echo the mantra that you honor and respect your parents' *and* your in-laws' choices and that you are happy to have two sets of families in your life who love and respect you and your DH.

 

[Enerchi]

My family is from Iran, and my DH is Italian American from NJ. I know all about cultural norms and cultural offenses.

My feeling. We're in America now. Deal with it. My family opted to come over themselves, *I* certainly didn't get a say in the decision, and neither did your FI. His family chose to come here-- now they have to learn to deal with the consequences. Period. They end. They can't pick and chose what they like about being an American.

They are CREATING this drama. They may think that it's just drama that exists without them, but they are wrong. If they CHOSE to go along with it, and if THEY don't make a big deal out of it everyone else will FOLLOW THEIR LEAD. That's it. As far as I'm concerned they just need to get over it.

Gypsy, you rock! You have cut to the chase and this seems to sum it up very succinctly.

 

[texaskj]

Your future in-laws need to become familiar with the expression, When in Rome...
It's peachy keen for them to have their party, but they can't expect everyone to come. Money or not, they can't understand you sister not missing that much school? I'd work that angle hard.

 

[Gypsy]

I definitely agree with the "opt out of the drama" advice. You may also want to keep in mind that however you decide to handle this situation will "set the tone" for the future - it is likely cultures and expectations will clash again between and among your families - continue to echo the mantra that you honor and respect your parents' *and* your in-laws' choices and that you are happy to have two sets of families in your life who love and respect you and your DH.

Perfect advice.

Enerchi... thank you sweetie.