Is this sibling rivalry?

[joelly]

According to my FI, I have a case of sibling rivalry but I disagree. I never thought my brothers as a rival. So, why should they thought that about me? Here is my story and I want to know what PSers think. Thanks in advance.

I am the older sister and I have two younger brothers. V is 2 yrs younger than me and R is 12 yrs younger than me. I am very close with both V and R.

I recently got engaged in Mar09 on the same day that I left LA to go visit my family, who lives in another country. I went without my FI obviously. He said that he is affraid that I might not coming back to him so he proposed in hopes that I will have a reason to come back. Also, I carried a letter from FI in which FI asking for my parent''s blessings of our upcoming marriage. Upon reading my FI letter, my dad was thrilled. He hugged and kissed me. However, my mom told me not to wear my e-ring because according to her, my engagement is not official due to my FI has not met my family yet. My mom plan to come to LA in Dec 2009 to meet with my FI and his family. My mom told me not to wear my e-ring until she meet my FI and family. Thus, I don''t wear my e-ring (unless I''m with my FI and/or his family) because I want to honor her wish.

During that visit, I also asked my brother, V, about his plan in marrying his girlfriend. V said that he is waiting until I get marry then he will plan for his. So, I thought thats great.

In May 09, mom changed her plan to visit me in Feb 2010 instead to which I agree. She said she has some other business to attend to.

Fast forward to yesterday, my mom texted me and said "Good news, your brother (V) is getting married in Feb 2010." I was like

. I asked my mom the "obvious" questions but she said no, nothing like that, they decided to get marry just because.

I am having a mix feeling about this. At one side I am happy for my brother but on the other side I was like

.

Side note, her coming here is a big deal to me because I have been here more than 10 yrs without ever been visited by anyone from my family. I have no family here so I want my mom to come to see me.

Anyway, I email my brother to congratulate him.

But I also feel weird about it, like why is he not being straight forward with me before, when I asked him in Mar 2009.

V''s reasons according to my FI:
1) maybe because V knows mom will visit me in Feb 2010 then he arranged the date this way so mom couldn''t come and visit me.
2) V wants to be the first one who gets marry. (V always resent being my little brother) FI think that this way V can always claim that he is the first.

I don''t want to think bad about my brother but I couldn''t help it now. I keep asking myself why is he not being straight forward with me when I asked him in Mar 2009.

Now, my mom rushing me to get marry because according to her the first born should marry first. So, now its ok to wear my e-ring eventhough mom has not met my FI and his family? I am totally confused and can''t help feeling betrayed by my brother. Ohhh this mix feeling, I can''t shake them off somehow.

Thats my story. Please tell me what do you think? Is it true that this is a sibling rivalry? Should I care who marry first?

You should also know that I care a lot about what my mom is feeling because, God forbid, if anything bad happen in the future, she will say that those things happen because my little brother got marry before me.

 

[radiantquest]

There is alot going on in your post. First, I wouldn''t care if he was getting married before me. So what! I think that is silly that since you are the oldest you should marry first. I have never heard of that before. And I couldn''t believe that she told you not to wear your ring because she had not met you FI. You are engaged whether she met him or not. The fact that now her tune has changed and you are now allowed to wear the ring just says to me that her original "wish" really wasn''t that important to her if she can change her mind so quickly.

I really don''t mean to offend, but I think you should wear your ring, be engaged and get married when you originally planned. It is your life with your soon to be husband. Do what is best for the both of you.

 

[lyra]

Wow, that is complicated. I got married 2 *weeks* before my brother. It was a big mixup thing, a little like yours, a little different. We paid for almost everything ourselves and had our wedding where my husband''s family was from, not mine, so only my mom and dad came from my side. Then 2 weeks later we went to visit my family and attend my brother''s wedding. In the end it didn''t matter, everyone was married!

I say plan your wedding for when you want it. If it is before your brother, fine. If it is after, that''s fine too. What does your FI think about setting the wedding date? You could always get married on the date you want and hold a reception for family later. I''m unsure when you had planned to get married compared to your brother. Yes, it does sound like sibling rivalry, but I doubt your brother means to hurt your feelings.

 

[AprilBaby]

Your mother put off her visit so now you have to put off wearing your ring??? I would put it on and go on with my plans. Who knows if she cancels for Feb and moves it back to Oct 2010? (and to answer your question: who cares who gets married first as long as you have the man of your dreams!

)

 

[cindygenit]

Joelly,

Your problem stems from the cultural expectations on your family''s side. I can not tell you if this is sibling rivalry because I don''t know V''s character. I think you''re feeling upset because your brother "stole your thunder". And now, your mum is brushing aside her visit to see you for V''s wedding.

Relax, they''re your family. They don''t mean to cause you hurt. Just focus on your own wedding and be happy that you''re marrying the man of your dreams!

As for the e-ring... WTF?? Girl, you should wear it whenever you want! Its YOUR engagement! Eventhough your mum is obviously a big part of your life, asking you to not wear the ring is a bit weird... The engagement is no less official just because the two families haven''t met.

Just my .02

Good luck!

 

[somethingshiny]

I think your real emotion is only about your mom, it just came through in terms of what''s going on with your brother. I don''t think what you have is sibling rivalry, I think what you''re feeling is neglected by your mom.

I think it''s time you put on your ring and your big girl panties and do what YOU and your FI want and not worry about the rest.

As far as your brother getting married before you, I don''t see any reason for that to be upsetting. He''s probably just really in love and wants to get married. Maybe his FI wants a specific date, venue, flower, etc.

 

[upgrade]

Date: 8/12/2009 9:33:05 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I think your real emotion is only about your mom, it just came through in terms of what''s going on with your brother. I don''t think what you have is sibling rivalry, I think what you''re feeling is neglected by your mom.

I think it''s time you put on your ring and your big girl panties and do what YOU and your FI want and not worry about the rest.

As far as your brother getting married before you, I don''t see any reason for that to be upsetting. He''s probably just really in love and wants to get married. Maybe his FI wants a specific date, venue, flower, etc.

Agreed. I think this has more to do with your parents than your brother. I don''t know what the cultural expectations are but I would say that you''re an adult, your fiance is an adult and this really isn''t up to your mom. An engagement becomes official when one party asks and the other says yes, not when your parents decide and there''s no law that says siblings have to marry in age order. You should get married when you feel it''s right. It really has nothing to do with your family. It would be lovely to have be when they can be there to share in your happiness and give their blessing, but really, it''s about you and him committing your lives to eachother and nothing else.

I understand feeling upset about it though- these things have a way of seeming bigger than they are when a wedding is involved. Emotions are running high and that brings out all sorts of things. And I''m sorry that your family hasn''t visited you in 10 years. That must be tough to take and I''m sure it''s making this situation even more difficult for you.

 

[AdiS]

joelly, honey, there are a few things about your post that concern me. You said your mother told you not to wear your ring until she meets your FI in December and you want to honour her wish. Then she changed her plans so you''re supposed not to wear the ring until February next year. Then yet another change in plans and now she wants you to get married before your brother does and you''re allowed to wear your ring. What about your wishes, joelly? Who''s going to honour them?

I don''t think your brother is the main issue here, either. He''s just doing what you''re supposed to be doing-making his own plans and following them. It''s not cool that he didn''t keep his word, but maybe he and his GF felt that the moment was right for them and they didn''t want to depend on someone else''s plans to start planning their own future. It sounds a bit harsh, but that''s exactly what you should do. Put that ring on your finger and wear it proudly. Sit down and talk to your FI and decide when you want to get married. And no, you shouldn''t care who marries first. Before or after Feb 2010 is entirely up to you.

Sometimes you just can''t indulge everyone, so you should just try to do what''s best for you and the person you love.

 

[dragonfly411]

Here''s what I think. I think that your parents are from overseas, and they/you grew up in a whole different world culturally. Personally I don''t know that there is any sibling rivalry involved. Perhaps V simply decided hey lets do this let''s get married. Maybe he decided he''s too excited to wait? In any case, I''m sure he didn''t mean to brush you aside. You have to remember you live far away, so it may not have even crossed his mind at the time. I think the request from your mother, although a little overbearing, is also culture related, and I''m assuming that where they are from, the asker/man has to meet the family before a real engagement is pursued. That seems like a traditional thing to me and I think considering the cultural differences she was within her bounds to ask and you did or did not have to go along, and still do or do not have to. I think that''s your choice based on your relationship with your parents. I DO Think that you might be a tad jealous that he''s stealing the thunder, but again, I wouldn''t take him doing so personally. Be happy for him. Be happy for yourself. Get married and Have fun!

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 8/13/2009 5:40:56 AM
Author: AdiS
joelly, honey, there are a few things about your post that concern me. You said your mother told you not to wear your ring until she meets your FI in December and you want to honour her wish. Then she changed her plans so you''re supposed not to wear the ring until February next year. Then yet another change in plans and now she wants you to get married before your brother does and you''re allowed to wear your ring. What about your wishes, joelly? Who''s going to honour them?


I don''t think your brother is the main issue here, either. He''s just doing what you''re supposed to be doing-making his own plans and following them. It''s not cool that he didn''t keep his word, but maybe he and his GF felt that the moment was right for them and they didn''t want to depend on someone else''s plans to start planning their own future. It sounds a bit harsh, but that''s exactly what you should do. Put that ring on your finger and wear it proudly. Sit down and talk to your FI and decide when you want to get married. And no, you shouldn''t care who marries first. Before or after Feb 2010 is entirely up to you.


Sometimes you just can''t indulge everyone, so you should just try to do what''s best for you and the person you love.

Ditto every word. You should get married when you and your fiance want to - before or after February 2010, it doesn''t matter. You''re trying so hard to please your mother that you''re ending up making a mess. Make your own plans and stick to them.

 

[joelly]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for all your replies. I am sorry for not replying to each one of you but I appreciate all of you sharing your thoughts.

I totally agree that my problem is not V. It is hard for me to admit that I have problems with my own mother. I always tried to please her but I think I''m not ever good enough.

About V, my feelings are mixed. It''s crazy. One side of me feel sooo jealous, another side of me feel so proud of my brother, another part of me feel so sad that he is now belong to someone else, and part of me also happy because I gain a sister by this union. Its amazing how one upcoming event stir me up soooo much. But overall, I am very happy for him and I don''t believe in such tradition on a big sister should marry first.

Well, I just receive my mom''s email. It''s now official that she will not come here.

Either for my wedding or for whatever reason. I spend hours crying last nite reading her email. She said a lot of bad things about my FI, whom she has not met. She said she doesn''t want to spend money traveling to see someone like that who is so poor, doesn''t even have a house, and now will leach on my daughter. She belittle him and me for associating myself with him.

I don''t know where she gets all that. FI has a full time job and he owns a tux shop. He did suggest that he should buy a house but its too far IMHO. The location is 3 hrs from our workplace. The commute is horrible so... Plus we live in So Cal. You know how expensive it can get.

Well, I spend last nite crying my eyes out. But I am not upset because I know my mom doesn''t understand. She has our culture to uphold. I just thought that maybe love can overcome our differences.

 

[joelly]

Yes, I''ve been trying so hard to please my mom. Deep down inside I want sooo much of her approval.

 

[Lynnie]

*Big Hugs*
Try not to be so down!

So I gather that your whole family is overseas (Asia?). Is it possible that your mother holds resentment towards you for being in the US? Sounds like she could be a bit jealous, or maybe she feels ''left out'' of your life (totally her fault, if she has been unwilling to travel here). If it is so important for her to meet your FI, why is she unwilling to visit? Could you afford to fly her & your father out? Speaking of your father, what does he think of all this?
Sorry for all the ?''s... I just don''t understand why she tells you to not wear your ER until she meets your FI, then she refuses to visit & meet him.
About your brother, have you talked to him? It just seems odd to me that your mother texted you instead of him, as you said you are very close to him. Is it possible that your mother pressured him to get married so soon?

I don''t know, for whatever reason, I get from your posts that your mother kinda has it out for you, like she doesn''t want you to be happy. If your FI makes you happy, she should be happy for you. Period.

Wear that ring proudly!! Speaking of which, have you posted pics? I''m off to look!
*big hugs again*
Family can sometimes suck. Big time.

 

[cindygenit]

Joelly,

>>

I''m so sorry about your situation. I went through the same thing with mum when my mum first met FI. She was like " He''s a baker??? OMG, u better get a prenup and buy a house in YOUR OWN NAME so he doesn''t take advantage of you, etc etc"

Ultimately, she came from a good place and she just wanted to protect me. But she didn''t know FI enough, or his background, to make that kind of judgement. I feel like your mum is doing this to you as well.

I paid for my mum to come here and meet FI''s family early this year and I think she trusts my FI a little more. Seeing FI with his family, being happy, and making me happy really put her mind at ease, I think you should at least try again to change her mind about your FI!!!

I am sure that she will eventually come around, because you are her daughter, and she loves you very VERY much. Hang in there and never give up hope

Sometimes Indo parents can be SO uptight!

 

[joelly]

Date: 8/13/2009 8:18:55 PM
Author: Lynnie
*Big Hugs*
Try not to be so down!

So I gather that your whole family is overseas (Asia?). Is it possible that your mother holds resentment towards you for being in the US? Sounds like she could be a bit jealous, or maybe she feels ''left out'' of your life (totally her fault, if she has been unwilling to travel here). If it is so important for her to meet your FI, why is she unwilling to visit? Could you afford to fly her & your father out? Speaking of your father, what does he think of all this?
Sorry for all the ?''s... I just don''t understand why she tells you to not wear your ER until she meets your FI, then she refuses to visit & meet him.
About your brother, have you talked to him? It just seems odd to me that your mother texted you instead of him, as you said you are very close to him. Is it possible that your mother pressured him to get married so soon?

I don''t know, for whatever reason, I get from your posts that your mother kinda has it out for you, like she doesn''t want you to be happy. If your FI makes you happy, she should be happy for you. Period.

Wear that ring proudly!! Speaking of which, have you posted pics? I''m off to look!
*big hugs again*
Family can sometimes suck. Big time.

Yes, my family is in Asia. Indonesia to be exact. She does resent I''m being here because she wants me to live in Jakarta to be near her. I can afford the whole family come over here but my dad against traveling so that leaves my mom. Mom always has other things in her priority lists. Once I bump up to #1, next day I will be #5. Its been like that since I was a kid. So I got used to it, I imagine later she will come around and I''ll be her priority. But here I am still imagining.

I talked to my brother yesterday and he was pissed at my mom. He dislike moms who diss out bad things toward a guy who likes her daughter. His reason was because his FI''s mom doesnt like him at all. But they are getting married nonetheless.

Check this out though, my brother doesn''t plan to include the family in the wedding, friends only. He fed up with both his FI''s family and our family and he doesn''t want to put up with them during the big day of his life. I totally understand this. But I would love to include my family in my wedding and I live like 10K miles away. Isn''t this odd?

Bottom line is my mom just confused and she is just being herself. Make me sad sometimes but I gotta be strong now. Gotta put my big girl panties. I have a talk with my FI last nite to set a wedding date. It will happen on the date that we met. March 29, 2010. God''s willing, everything will go smoothly.

 

[purselover]

I just wanted to say I''m sorry you are in such a tough situation, but it sounds like you know it''s not personal and that your mom is the one with issues. It sounds like you''re ready to move forward with or without you''re mom''s support and I congratulate you for that, do not let her ruin this exciting time in your life. Hopefully at the end of the day she will support you but if not that''s something she''s going to have to live with when she looks back and realizes she missed her daughter''s wedding.

 

[joelly]

Date: 8/14/2009 3:17:49 AM
Author: cindygenit
Joelly,

<<<HUGS>>>

I''m so sorry about your situation. I went through the same thing with mum when my mum first met FI. She was like '' He''s a baker??? OMG, u better get a prenup and buy a house in YOUR OWN NAME so he doesn''t take advantage of you, etc etc''

Ultimately, she came from a good place and she just wanted to protect me. But she didn''t know FI enough, or his background, to make that kind of judgement. I feel like your mum is doing this to you as well.

I paid for my mum to come here and meet FI''s family early this year and I think she trusts my FI a little more. Seeing FI with his family, being happy, and making me happy really put her mind at ease, I think you should at least try again to change her mind about your FI!!!

I am sure that she will eventually come around, because you are her daughter, and she loves you very VERY much. Hang in there and never give up hope

Sometimes Indo parents can be SO uptight!

Cindygenit,

Isn''t that the truth? Can they be less uptight pls!!!

I want to choke myself on my coffee when you said prenup. Thats exactly what she said plus she said to buy my own house. I was like

. then whats the point of starting our life together?

My dad was like "Mom, we didn''t even have a house when we get marry years ago?"

Anyway, I am sure she loves me but she has a lot of other priorities and I was never her priority. I have lots of grrrr moments but its my life.

Trust me, I went through series of boyfriends, she disapproved of them all. Once I thought, its easier if I just don''t marry at all.

I love my FI and he loves me. I never thought that in this crazy world, I can meet someone like that. My mom couldn''t appreciate him now but she will come around, I hope.

Thanks for your support, Cindy!!!