Is it o.k.? Am I being a jerk?

[Kaleigh]

I hope this doesn't turn out to be a big pile on you .... People give advise .... Some are more empathetic than other's.. And no one has walked in your shoes..


SO take all with a grain of salt...

And you asked, so people will give as they see fit...
Yanno??

 

[amc80]

I'm sure people will jump all over me for saying this...but she is under no obligation to take your kid to Africa. It sounds like she likes the other grandchild better. Maybe their personalities mesh better, maybe she's a better travel partner...who knows. She's allowed to have a preference, even though it would be super if she could appear not to. Your job, as the parent, is to protect your kid. If that means limiting contact or whatever, so be it.

Not helping you, going to the football game, etc., is all pretty crappy. But you are the one who gets to choose how much interaction you have with her. If you don't like the way she's treating you then you can choose to not have a close relationship.

People can choose to act any way they want, just like you can choose to not have them in your life.

 

[Mayk]

I hope this doesn't turn out to be a big pile on you .... People give advise .... Some are more empathetic than other's.. And no one has walked in your shoes..


SO take all with a grain of salt...

And you asked, so people will give as they see fit...
Yanno??

agreed.. also agreed I have some work to do.. I don't mind telling myself that.. believe me I haven't been sleeping thinking about it... I know I own this.. but I don't need nasty...but strong talk sure... I do sales for a living I take strong talk all the time... but what feels like an attack in the emotional state I'm in.. I might likely bite back.. I think the post by MMP was an attack, which is fine... maybe a hidden agenda or something else going on like she gave up a child to adoption.. .. it was clear it was with venom... Dreamer.. straight talk not sweet or sugary but balanced and correct... there's a difference.. your post.. lovely and supportive... everyone provides feedback differently. I've always been told Feedback is a gift.. you can choose to use it to your advantage or pass it along as not exactly fitting for your needs...

Also keeping in mind.. when you've been hanging out here awhile (me now over two years)... you've made some Friends and Foes... I'm aware of that.... I'm 100% certain.. I have both!

 

[Kaleigh]

Prayers for what is best for you and your DD....

How is your DD now?? Is she healing??

 

[NonieMarie]

I'm sure people will jump all over me for saying this...but she is under no obligation to take your kid to Africa. It sounds like she likes the other grandchild better. Maybe their personalities mesh better, maybe she's a better travel partner...who knows. She's allowed to have a preference, even though it would be super if she could appear not to. Your job, as the parent, is to protect your kid. If that means limiting contact or whatever, so be it.

Not helping you, going to the football game, etc., is all pretty crappy. But you are the one who gets to choose how much interaction you have with her. If you don't like the way she's treating you then you can choose to not have a close relationship.

People can choose to act any way they want, just like you can choose to not have them in your life.

I will be the first to "jump all over you". I have 12 grandkids. I would never plan a trip and leave a grandchild behind that was so close in age. That is just mean and the grandmother needs to be told that it is mean. I agree with Mayk writing another letter and calmly explaining the hurt that has been caused by her mother's favoritism. If she does not get the response that she hopes for then that is the time to reassess the relationship.

 

[amc80]

I'm sure people will jump all over me for saying this...but she is under no obligation to take your kid to Africa. It sounds like she likes the other grandchild better. Maybe their personalities mesh better, maybe she's a better travel partner...who knows. She's allowed to have a preference, even though it would be super if she could appear not to. Your job, as the parent, is to protect your kid. If that means limiting contact or whatever, so be it.

Not helping you, going to the football game, etc., is all pretty crappy. But you are the one who gets to choose how much interaction you have with her. If you don't like the way she's treating you then you can choose to not have a close relationship.

People can choose to act any way they want, just like you can choose to not have them in your life.

I will be the first to "jump all over you". I have 12 grandkids. I would never plan a trip and leave a grandchild behind that was so close in age. That is just mean and the grandmother needs to be told that it is mean. I agree with Mayk writing another letter and calmly explaining the hurt that has been caused by her mother's favoritism. If she does not get the response that she hopes for then that is the time to reassess the relationship.

Maybe you are a nicer person. Maybe you have no preference between grandchildren. Again, people can choose to act any way they want, just like you can choose to not have them in your life.

 

[yennyfire]

While I'm not sure it will help, you are not alone in feeling this way about unequal treatment. My mother favors my sister's kids because they are girls and they were the first grandchildren. What makes it hard is that we all live within 5 miles of one another, so my kids hear all of the things their cousins do with grandma and grandpa that they aren't included in. My Mom always says it because her kids are older, but there's only a 3 year difference between her oldest any my youngest, so it's not like it's a 10 year age gap. I totally relate to getting over it for yourself, but being hurt for your child. I think if it were me, I'd be really honest with your bio Mom and say that if she wants a relationship with you and DD, she needs to treat them equally (I know, easy to say and much harder to do!)....

Hugs to you...it's so hard when we are disappointed by those closest to us. I hope that it works out in a way that you feel good about and that protects DD as much as possible.

 

[Mayk]

While I'm not sure it will help, you are not alone in feeling this way about unequal treatment. My mother favors my sister's kids because they are girls and they were the first grandchildren. What makes it hard is that we all live within 5 miles of one another, so my kids hear all of the things their cousins do with grandma and grandpa that they aren't included in. My Mom always says it because her kids are older, but there's only a 3 year difference between her oldest any my youngest, so it's not like it's a 10 year age gap. I totally relate to getting over it for yourself, but being hurt for your child. I think if it were me, I'd be really honest with your bio Mom and say that if she wants a relationship with you and DD, she needs to treat them equally (I know, easy to say and much harder to do!)....

Hugs to you...it's so hard when we are disappointed by those closest to us. I hope that it works out in a way that you feel good about and that protects DD as much as possible.

Thank Yenny.... I personally could care less about going to Africa... if she had asked me.. I would have been like.. "no thank you".. Italy is on the top of my bucket list.. but DD... her eye would bug out of her head! Seeing the animals... doing a safari.. right up her alley.. seeing our kids disappointed are the hardest things. Me.. I should know better.. I let my anger and disappointment get the best of me...

Mom and I've been together 20 years this February, we've had two arguements in that time.. one over my birth father and the other one I can't remember... it was so long ago.. so it's not like we haven't gotten along. I'm also very pliable, DH says he can see me walk her line when we are together, but I try and be flexible because we don't get to visit often. We have had wonderful visits over holidays and she's spent a month with me when Merisa was born. This year has been stressful for all of us...

 

[Dreamer_D]

May you won't like what I am going to say most likely, but I will say it anyways.

First, I am not surprised that she has not spoken to you. A blasting e-mail in which you dump a laundry list of concerns on her is bad relationship behavior. Its called "kitchensinking" and it usually causes others to be defensive. She may or may not have had a clue about all the issues you dumped on her. My MIL did something similar to me at our last family visit. And we have not been close since. I don't trust people who keep things bottled up and then dump it all on your down the road, frankly. So, regarding that isolated incident and the reasons for why you are not presently talking... welll, an apology might be needed to open that door again for that specific bad behavior on your part.

That is completely independent of all the other resentments you have about your relationship with her. I like the graphic others posted as a general rule. Is this because you are adopted? I dunno. Many people have similar issues with birth parents. It think its too simplistic to hang all the issues on that hat-peg.

If you want to repair the deeper issues you will need to resolve the resentment you feel. You can do it by working on yourself -- you don't need to get anything from her to resolve your feelings. Just shift your expectations. Or you can work with her.Tell her that the ways she behaves hurts your feelings, that it makes you feel rejected and sad, that you feel second class and left out... tell her all of that if you want to voice your feelings. But do it in a calm and respectful manner and in the right moment. Focus on your own feelings and ask her to try and meet your needs. And talk about what it would take for your needs to be met. But, know that she may not be able to give you what you need. Sometimes you have to accept others' limitations.

Dreamer.. Tough love always accepted... you're correct there's some long time backage there and letting stuff build up to keep the peace and then unloading.. not a good practice.. and I should have continued to wait.... just like in the spring, and when figuring out DD's care and when she blasted me at the hospital.. but being tired and exhausted emotionaly and phyically got the best of me.. with no energy.. i broke.... we've all done it.. I said in a post just before yours.. I know I need to fix it.. but I can't until I get my heart right.. and that's going to take me a little time... thanks...

I posted on the way out to a meeting and didn't get to add everything I wanted.

I can totally empathize with your feelings. I have similar resentments with my grandmother and my biological father. I hope it was clear from my post that I think its important to distinguish between the acute incident that tipped you over the edge, and the response you made in the heat of the moment, and the overall underlying feelings you have. I think its unlikely you will get a apology from her or have your own needs met in the here-and-now in the wake of your (understandable) break down in self-control -- that is my point. If you WANT to open the dialogue and work on your relationship with her, then you might need to apologize for your bad behavior to get her to "come to the table" so to speak. Is it fair? No. Of course not. Should she apologize too? Sure. But she might not. If its important to you to move forward -- maybe not now, but in the future when you have the energy to deal with it -- then you might have to make that first move and be the bigger person to open that door. And then you might have to accept that she still cannot give you what you want -- do you know what you want from her? Is it reasonable? Is it realistic? Good questions to ask. What is making you so mad anyways? You mentioned a lot of actions on her part, or lack... but usually hurt is from *meaning* one attributes to actions. Not the actions themselves. So think a little on that: What do her actions mean to you? What about them is hurting you? Then think again: Do you know that is the actual reason behind her actions or are you guessing? Are you making negative attributions (e.g., she doesn't love me) perhaps? Food for thought.

On a side note, I get the feeling some of your angst is about how your daughter might feel about everything. Careful not to project your feelings onto her, or your own complex relationship with your mom onto your daughter's relationship, or to spill your own feelings onto your daughter so she feels she must mirror your feelings... it could confuse her. Like, she says she wants to go to Africa. Well maybe she doesn't want to go with your mom, maybe she meant it more generally... who the heck knows what your daughter really makes of this. it is likely confusing for her, seeing you upset, separating her own feeling from yours... But one thing you DO know is that your mom's behavior is not a reflection on your daughter's worth and value (and likely also not a reflection on your mom's feelings for your daughter -- but you may not believe that yet), and that you can and should convey to her (as I am sure you already are).

 

[movie zombie]

getting your heart straight means deciding what kind of relationship you want with her.
it also means being able to accept her just as she is.
which includes knowing your daughter will forge her own relationship with her and accepting that your daughter may get hurt in the process.
your role?
to be a role model on how to set limits, how to accept your mother as she is, how to get past this.
take your time.
you've been through a lot.
so much so that i'm surprised you didn't break and unload earlier.
and sometimes....just sometimes....it is that kind of break that makes one see what is actually going on, recognize a dysfunctional relationship as dysfunctional, set limits, and learn to accept that person as she is w/o any expectations.

personally? like I said before, i'd be pissed off really royal.
that she didn't even offer to be there for you if only to just listen.......that she kept "fun" engagements and told me about them, well, i'm not a slow study and i'd figure she pretty much had told me where I stand in her life and i'd go from there.

but that's me.

again, take your time.
get some rest.
and please know that you handled it better than most!

 

[Mayk]

May you won't like what I am going to say most likely, but I will say it anyways.

First, I am not surprised that she has not spoken to you. A blasting e-mail in which you dump a laundry list of concerns on her is bad relationship behavior. Its called "kitchensinking" and it usually causes others to be defensive. She may or may not have had a clue about all the issues you dumped on her. My MIL did something similar to me at our last family visit. And we have not been close since. I don't trust people who keep things bottled up and then dump it all on your down the road, frankly. So, regarding that isolated incident and the reasons for why you are not presently talking... welll, an apology might be needed to open that door again for that specific bad behavior on your part.

That is completely independent of all the other resentments you have about your relationship with her. I like the graphic others posted as a general rule. Is this because you are adopted? I dunno. Many people have similar issues with birth parents. It think its too simplistic to hang all the issues on that hat-peg.

If you want to repair the deeper issues you will need to resolve the resentment you feel. You can do it by working on yourself -- you don't need to get anything from her to resolve your feelings. Just shift your expectations. Or you can work with her.Tell her that the ways she behaves hurts your feelings, that it makes you feel rejected and sad, that you feel second class and left out... tell her all of that if you want to voice your feelings. But do it in a calm and respectful manner and in the right moment. Focus on your own feelings and ask her to try and meet your needs. And talk about what it would take for your needs to be met. But, know that she may not be able to give you what you need. Sometimes you have to accept others' limitations.

Dreamer.. Tough love always accepted... you're correct there's some long time backage there and letting stuff build up to keep the peace and then unloading.. not a good practice.. and I should have continued to wait.... just like in the spring, and when figuring out DD's care and when she blasted me at the hospital.. but being tired and exhausted emotionaly and phyically got the best of me.. with no energy.. i broke.... we've all done it.. I said in a post just before yours.. I know I need to fix it.. but I can't until I get my heart right.. and that's going to take me a little time... thanks...

I posted on the way out to a meeting and didn't get to add everything I wanted.

I can totally empathize with your feelings. I have similar resentments with my grandmother and my biological father. I hope it was clear from my post that I think its important to distinguish between the acute incident that tipped you over the edge, and the response you made in the heat of the moment, and the overall underlying feelings you have. I think its unlikely you will get a apology from her or have your own needs met in the here-and-now in the wake of your (understandable) break down in self-control -- that is my point. If you WANT to open the dialogue and work on your relationship with her, then you might need to apologize for your bad behavior to get her to "come to the table" so to speak. Is it fair? No. Of course not. Should she apologize too? Sure. But she might not. If its important to you to move forward -- maybe not now, but in the future when you have the energy to deal with it -- then you might have to make that first move and be the bigger person to open that door. And then you might have to accept that she still cannot give you what you want -- do you know what you want from her? Is it reasonable? Is it realistic? Good questions to ask. What is making you so mad anyways? You mentioned a lot of actions on her part, or lack... but usually hurt is from *meaning* one attributes to actions. Not the actions themselves. So think a little on that: What do her actions mean to you? What about them is hurting you? Then think again: Do you know that is the actual reason behind her actions or are you guessing? Are you making negative attributions (e.g., she doesn't love me) perhaps? Food for thought.

On a side note, I get the feeling some of your angst is about how your daughter might feel about everything. Careful not to project your feelings onto her, or your own complex relationship with your mom onto your daughter's relationship, or to spill your own feelings onto your daughter so she feels she must mirror your feelings... it could confuse her. Like, she says she wants to go to Africa. Well maybe she doesn't want to go with your mom, maybe she meant it more generally... who the heck knows what your daughter really makes of this. it is likely confusing for her, seeing you upset, separating her own feeling from yours... But one thing you DO know is that your mom's behavior is not a reflection on your daughter's worth and value (and likely also not a reflection on your mom's feelings for your daughter -- but you may not believe that yet), and that you can and should convey to her (as I am sure you already are).

All very good points.. and right now I don't know what I want. DD has no idea her Grandmother and I are not talking. Because she always calls her Grandmother on her own phone and I talk to mom on mine we rarely talk at the same time. My favorite thing was to call her on business trips or on my way home from the airport after a trip because she was three hours behind me.. we had quiet time to take to each other without others bothering us.. my first drive home from the airport will be a lonely ride...

 

[Dreamer_D]

While I'm not sure it will help, you are not alone in feeling this way about unequal treatment. My mother favors my sister's kids because they are girls and they were the first grandchildren. What makes it hard is that we all live within 5 miles of one another, so my kids hear all of the things their cousins do with grandma and grandpa that they aren't included in. My Mom always says it because her kids are older, but there's only a 3 year difference between her oldest any my youngest, so it's not like it's a 10 year age gap. I totally relate to getting over it for yourself, but being hurt for your child. I think if it were me, I'd be really honest with your bio Mom and say that if she wants a relationship with you and DD, she needs to treat them equally (I know, easy to say and much harder to do!)....

Hugs to you...it's so hard when we are disappointed by those closest to us. I hope that it works out in a way that you feel good about and that protects DD as much as possible.

Thank Yenny.... I personally could care less about going to Africa... if she had asked me.. I would have been like.. "no thank you".. Italy is on the top of my bucket list.. but DD... her eye would bug out of her head! Seeing the animals... doing a safari.. right up her alley.. seeing our kids disappointed are the hardest things. Me.. I should know better.. I let my anger and disappointment get the best of me...

Mom and I've been together 20 years this February, we've had two arguements in that time.. one over my birth father and the other one I can't remember... it was so long ago.. so it's not like we haven't gotten along. I'm also very pliable, DH says he can see me walk her line when we are together, but I try and be flexible because we don't get to visit often. We have had wonderful visits over holidays and she's spent a month with me when Merisa was born. This year has been stressful for all of us...

If I can threadjack, though its related: I am an only child and only grandchild so I don't have a good intuition about this type of unfairness. My MIL also felt this a lot with her mom. Is it really possible to not show any favourites? What should a grandparent do when they have lots of kids and can't afford to take them all on trips? I mean this sincerely. I have two sons and little sense of sibling rivalry. Did you feel that your parents were unfair with you and your siblings like they are now with the grandkids? (My MIL did).

 

[Dreamer_D]

getting your heart straight means deciding what kind of relationship you want with her.
it also means being able to accept her just as she is.
which includes knowing your daughter will forge her own relationship with her and accepting that your daughter may get hurt in the process.
your role?
to be a role model on how to set limits, how to accept your mother as she is, how to get past this.
take your time.
you've been through a lot.
so much so that i'm surprised you didn't break and unload earlier.
and sometimes....just sometimes....it is that kind of break that makes one see what is actually going on, recognize a dysfunctional relationship as dysfunctional, set limits, and learn to accept that person as she is w/o any expectations.

personally? like I said before, i'd be pissed off really royal.
that she didn't even offer to be there for you if only to just listen.......that she kept "fun" engagements and told me about them, well, i'm not a slow study and i'd figure she pretty much had told me where I stand in her life and i'd go from there.

but that's me.

again, take your time.
get some rest.
and please know that you handled it better than most!

Great advice, as usual. To be honest, I respond the same way as you do MZ. It is for these reasons that I don't have much relationship with my grandmother anymore, which is very sad for me because I mourn the loss of the ideal relationship I would like, but that she cannot give, and I mourn the idealistic view I had of her and our relationship as a child, before I was mature enough to recognize her behavior for what it is, and identify my own needs. Do, I see her a couple times a year and don't share my life with her. But, that is me. And I also don't know for sure if my own choice was "right" either. I still feel guilty. Maybe you can relate to this May?

I wonder if some of the recent stress happened because you were moving towards becomig more intimate with your mom. Not only talking on the phone but actually trying to rely on her for meeting your real needs... and she let you down. That sucks. But you can temper your expectations and go back to the previous level of intimacy. That is one solution, when you are ready. I do think some issues don't need to be "solved" (e.g., her meeting your needs). Sometimes, they can be sidestepped and still maintain a relationship.

 

[Mayk]

While I'm not sure it will help, you are not alone in feeling this way about unequal treatment. My mother favors my sister's kids because they are girls and they were the first grandchildren. What makes it hard is that we all live within 5 miles of one another, so my kids hear all of the things their cousins do with grandma and grandpa that they aren't included in. My Mom always says it because her kids are older, but there's only a 3 year difference between her oldest any my youngest, so it's not like it's a 10 year age gap. I totally relate to getting over it for yourself, but being hurt for your child. I think if it were me, I'd be really honest with your bio Mom and say that if she wants a relationship with you and DD, she needs to treat them equally (I know, easy to say and much harder to do!)....

Hugs to you...it's so hard when we are disappointed by those closest to us. I hope that it works out in a way that you feel good about and that protects DD as much as possible.

Thank Yenny.... I personally could care less about going to Africa... if she had asked me.. I would have been like.. "no thank you".. Italy is on the top of my bucket list.. but DD... her eye would bug out of her head! Seeing the animals... doing a safari.. right up her alley.. seeing our kids disappointed are the hardest things. Me.. I should know better.. I let my anger and disappointment get the best of me...

Mom and I've been together 20 years this February, we've had two arguements in that time.. one over my birth father and the other one I can't remember... it was so long ago.. so it's not like we haven't gotten along. I'm also very pliable, DH says he can see me walk her line when we are together, but I try and be flexible because we don't get to visit often. We have had wonderful visits over holidays and she's spent a month with me when Merisa was born. This year has been stressful for all of us...

If I can threadjack, though its related: I am an only child and only grandchild so I don't have a good intuition about this type of unfairness. My MIL also felt this a lot with her mom. Is it really possible to not show any favourites? What should a grandparent do when they have lots of kids and can't afford to take them all on trips? I mean this sincerely. I have two sons and little sense of sibling rivalry. Did you feel that your parents were unfair with you and your siblings like they are now with the grandkids? (My MIL did).

I was raised as an only.. my mother died when I was 21 and my daughter until I married my husband two year ago was an only. She has never had an issue with her cousin and we both know mom has taken her to Hawaii and California and to Florida.. it wasn't an issue. The issue was...she wanted us to go to see her in Paris on her way to Africa and the timing was horrible. I'm sticking suspositories up DD backside to keep her colon from having more issues.. I was sleep deprived... my fault.. not her.. also not my nature. My husband and I have been together six year and never one cross or mean word.. I'm just not mean by nature.

My brother, my mother's son was also raised as an only...he really has no problem with me and I have no problem with him. We are not close but we are kind to each other and we talk, but never about mom like when he's in trouble.. which he is often. Interestingly, the rub is my SIL she hates me.. she was my mother's daughter before I showed up. (brother and SIL highschool sweethearts) The first thing she asked my mother was would I get her diamond (I don't want her diamond for the record).. odd question. My mother is not head over heels about my SIL, she tolerates her for a whole bunch of reasons I will not go into because it's just not part of the equation.

You ask great questions. I watch my step kids.. where the son gets to go on a fabulous fishing vacation every year with the grandmother and the daughter gets a trip shopping or to Disney.. she resents it and it shows in her relationship with her Grandmother (her mother's mother). It's sad.. the funny thing is my mother is so protective of my stepdaughter beause of it and thinks her grandmother is dreadful for doing this with the grandson (who is 20)... it's a big deal trip and he goes every year.

So it's even more odd to think she wanted us to meet her in Paris to watch them leave and go to Africa.. I would just rather hear they went and had a good time.. I'd will tell Merisa there's another plan for her.. around her car.. use my money and tell her it was from her Grandmother.. that's how I usually deal with this stuff.. I make stuff up.... I know... stupid.. I just try and remind DD we are so lucky and she has soooo much, which she does.. we are blessed... also why I'm hating myself.. because I let "hurt" get the best of me. sorry for rambling

 

[makemepretty]

Hey did you miss the part where she didn't help me... didn't show up when her first grand child spent 16 days in the hospital, didn't use her first class ticket but made the home opener of a football game.. and parties afterwards...... hey Makemepretty.. sure I need my big girl pants.. but you kind of have to "do something for me" for me to "appreicate it".. she doesn't give me money and in this case no emotional support... so your post.. wasted on me... completely[/quote]


Yes, I read all that. Twice before I posted. You are away too old to be acting this immature. No one has to do something for you, period. Even if they are doing it for someone else. You posted a huge whining, stomping your feet complaint because you aren't getting what you want. I completely understand.

 

[Mayk]

Hey did you miss the part where she didn't help me... didn't show up when her first grand child spent 16 days in the hospital, didn't use her first class ticket but made the home opener of a football game.. and parties afterwards...... hey Makemepretty.. sure I need my big girl pants.. but you kind of have to "do something for me" for me to "appreicate it".. she doesn't give me money and in this case no emotional support... so your post.. wasted on me... completely

Yes, I read all that. Twice before I posted. You are away too old to be acting this immature. No one has to do something for you, period. Even if they are doing it for someone else. You posted a huge whining, stomping your feet complaint because you aren't getting what you want. I completely understand.[/quote]


bahahahahah what is it I want... a trip to Africa.. I don't think so... not ever, not my cup of tea, not my style.. tracking around in a Safari, just not my thing.. I'm sure a bunch of people, including my daughter would love to go, my list is so much longer.. like Italy, France, Germany, Singapore...

Not wanting my daughter's feelings hurt...yep that's what I want. Being protective because I don't want to see her hurt or feel less loved.. yep that is also high on my want list...

Tantrum.. ok if you say so... protective and I've already said.. wrong because I let hurt step in ahead of my better judgement... but I beg to differ... a tantrum only to you... Kisses and hugs darling....

 

[packrat]

It hurts to see your kids treated differently, and it hurts when you are treated differently. My parents do it to my brother and me. It's made me cry many times and wonder if they just don't feel the same about me that they do him, and why. It's not even little stuff, it's blatantly obvious stuff-many people have commented on it, so I know it's not just me making a mountain out of a molehill. I've been on 6 vacations my entire life--my brother's gone every year w/my dad since he was 6-he's now 37. The last 20 years has been twice a year. And there was no special stuff for me while my brother was on vacation. No girl-time. I won't do that to my kids, I refuse. Things can never be 100% even, so there's no sense in making yourself crazy over it, but they can be fair.

My grandparents on my moms side couldn't afford to take all the grandkids everywhere at the same time, so they handled it in different ways. These kids go now, these kids go later. Or they'd do four of us but a shorter trip. My parents just don't do things w/the kids period, so I guess that's pretty even/fair, eh?

I don't think you're being petty/bratty/whatever at all. I totally get what you're saying about having help too--there's been many a time when people I only know on the internet have been lovely and said they'd help if they could, and then my own parents acting like I was asking for the moon when I asked for help after a surgery...but then they'd drive into town for a week every single day to sift out the litter box at my brother's house b/c they were working long hours.

Things happen. You fired off an angry email in the heat of the moment. Accept it and move on, I say. I'd tell her I'm sorry, things were just piling up on my shoulders and I broke.

 

[Circe]

Hey did you miss the part where she didn't help me... didn't show up when her first grand child spent 16 days in the hospital, didn't use her first class ticket but made the home opener of a football game.. and parties afterwards...... hey Makemepretty.. sure I need my big girl pants.. but you kind of have to "do something for me" for me to "appreicate it".. she doesn't give me money and in this case no emotional support... so your post.. wasted on me... completely

Yes, I read all that. Twice before I posted. You are away too old to be acting this immature. No one has to do something for you, period. Even if they are doing it for someone else. You posted a huge whining, stomping your feet complaint because you aren't getting what you want. I completely understand.[/QUOTE]

MMP, what on earth? From an observer's standpoint, this is over-the-top to the point of seeming unrelated. I haven't made it to the end of the thread and I'm hoping I'll be editing to take this back. Otherwise ... it strikes me as out of character from a generally really nice poster such as yourself.

No, no one "has" to do anything. Just like we don't "have" to keep thinking they're decent human beings. The basic social contract indicates when a loved one is hurting, you don't attack them. Or brag about pleasurable events in response to their grief. I don't think Mayk is being demanding if she says it was inappropriate for her mother to jump on her when she was anxious about her child barely post-surgery. Could you maybe say more about where you're coming from? Because I'm really not seeing it.

 

[movie zombie]

[quote="Mayk|1382657961|3544033..........I'd will tell Merisa there's another plan for her.. around her car.. use my money and tell her it was from her Grandmother.. that's how I usually deal with this stuff.. I make stuff up.... I know... stupid.. I just try and remind DD we are so lucky and she has soooo much, which she does.. we are blessed... also why I'm hating myself.. because I let "hurt" get the best of me. sorry for rambling[/quote]


yes, I agree STUPID.
you can remind DD that you are so lucky w/o having to tell her a lie.
yes, that is what you're doing!
you're presenting a fairytale that is not going to match with reality as your DD gets to know your mother better and as the years go on.
you are undermining the trust your DD may have in YOU!
when she finds out that you've lied.....and she will find out.....what is she going to think of you!?
please reconsider this behavior.
it is not healthy for you or your DD.
ok, end of rant.

you are human. you're going to feel hurt. just don't get stuck there. wallow in it. enjoy it even. but don't get stuck there. my fear is that you do have a lot of deep down hurt that has not yet been dealt with. perhaps time for counseling?

i'm sorry but I hate to see your DD grow up thinking she can trust both her mother and grandmother and then find out she can't trust either of them.

sorry for being so blunt.

please forgive me.

 

[Mayk]

[quote="Mayk|1382657961|3544033..........I'd will tell Merisa there's another plan for her.. around her car.. use my money and tell her it was from her Grandmother.. that's how I usually deal with this stuff.. I make stuff up.... I know... stupid.. I just try and remind DD we are so lucky and she has soooo much, which she does.. we are blessed... also why I'm hating myself.. because I let "hurt" get the best of me. sorry for rambling

yes, I agree STUPID.
you can remind DD that you are so lucky w/o having to tell her a lie.
yes, that is what you're doing!
you're presenting a fairytale that is not going to match with reality as your DD gets to know your mother better and as the years go on.
you are undermining the trust your DD may have in YOU!
when she finds out that you've lied.....and she will find out.....what is she going to think of you!?
please reconsider this behavior.
it is not healthy for you or your DD.
ok, end of rant.

you are human. you're going to feel hurt. just don't get stuck there. wallow in it. enjoy it even. but don't get stuck there. my fear is that you do have a lot of deep down hurt that has not yet been dealt with. perhaps time for counseling?

i'm sorry but I hate to see your DD grow up thinking she can trust both her mother and grandmother and then find out she can't trust either of them.

sorry for being so blunt.

please forgive me.[/quote]


no forgiveness needed... I know it's wrong..I just hate when she's treated so much differently... My mother is aware of the places where I've applied a patch.. I don't keep it a secret from from my mother.. and I say it in a way to DD that it just sort of blends.. like oh.. grandma made a contribution.. it's not about how much, which she doesn't ask.. how much... I just paid off her prepaid college.. she doesn't know who paid what.. but she knows we all contributed. It's not important how much.. and I remind her of that it's the thought. I want her to think her Grandmother is thinking about her...

With her car if she was to hear GD #2 went to Africa and she didn't get to go, I would likely say something about I'm sure Grandma has plans to do something else for you. Maybe she's planning to contribute to your car and then I would drop it and if she asked when her car came up again.. I know it's not honest but if there's a way to soften it..I will do it..

 

[movie zombie]

thank you for not taking offense to my very blunt post.
I appreciate that.
your DD is lucky to have you.

 

[braga123]

You are not being a jerk...you are entitled to your feelings...you are entitled to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships...

 

[movie zombie]

You are not being a jerk...you are entitled to your feelings...you are entitled to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships...

well written!

 

[Maria D]

Oh MayK, you have been through so much! I haven't kept up here and didn't know about your daughter's surgery - just read the thread that got bumped up. Ack, what an ordeal, I can't imagine! But your daughter is very blessed indeed because she has YOU. Why is it so important that she thinks her Grandmother is thinking about her? Great if grandma is, but if she isn't, it's not going to take away anything real from your daughter's life.

I have a good relationship with my mom who I know loves my daughter, but she just isn't as close to my daughter as she is to her other two grandchildren. Part of it is logistics - the other grandkids live 10 minutes away and we've never been closer than 2 hours - the rest of it is personality and timing. My daughter is by far the youngest so my mom didn't have as much energy to do fun stuff with her as she did with the others. It's just the way it is.

I know there are mental health professionals here, and I'm not one, so please take anything I say with a grain of salt. As far as the mom lottery goes, you got a bum deal. Your real mother (in my opinion) died when you were only 21. That's so young! You never got to have the adult mother-daughter relationship with your real mom. My father died when I was 20 and I never realized the extent of what I missed out on until my own daughter turned 20 and I could see how the relationship she has with her father (my husband) is growing and changing in so many important ways. You found your bio mother 10 years later and while it's great that the two of you were able to forge a relationship, it just isn't the same as having your MOM.

When you say that you want your daughter to be close to her grandmother, that it's important that she thinks her grandmother cares about her as much as her other grandchildren, it really makes me wonder if what's really happening is you're projecting your own feelings of loss of your real mom, who could have been your daughter's real grandmother, onto your daughter.

Seriously, what is the point of your daughter thinking grandma made a contribution to X (car, college, whatever) if she didn't? Do you think it really matters to your daughter? I hope you keep reminding yourself that your daughter has something much more precious: her *real* wonderful mom!

 

[Rosebloom]

Thinking of you, MayK! You have been through so much lately and this is a really crappy situation.

I once was seriously disappointed by a very very close relative. It ended up being a good thing as it helped me recalibrate my expectations for her. Now, rather than being constantly disappointed, I am often pleasantly surprised! But there was a lot of heart ache to get to this point and I do not envy you that.

 

[monarch64]

MayK, you have received a LOT of good advice!

1. You and your bio mother need to work on things.
2. You and your family need to work on things.
3. You need to let things go. You need to lessen your expectations!
4. You need to buy diamonds.

I could write for DAYS about my family and their dysfunction that would closely relate to your stories. I'm not going to do so. Too private. But your story touches me and made me think, so thank you. I hope you are closer to peace. I wish you peace and happiness.

 

[hippi_pixi]

I haven't read the entire thread but wanted to fast forward to reply. the whole thing is a really shitty situation and it is unfair for you and your daughter to be treated the way you have. I would have lost my shit too. I honestly would have reacted exactly the same way.

that said shes 71 and its pretty unlikely that you can change her or the way she treats you and DD. So with her, the way she is, its up to you how much time and emotion your invest into the relationship. particularly how much you expose yourself to future hurt.

DD is still too young to deal with all of this and not take it personally. you had reunited before she was born so she hasn't known it any other way.

eta: If i were you i would take the time you need to completely cool off and once you're in a healthier place approach her with an apology and an offer to open some honest dialogue to improve things in the future or at least tell her how you feel about the unfair treatment of grandkids in a calm setting

 

[Deactivated member 42515]

Mayk, I don't know what to say but I didn't know you were going through such a hard time. I'm so sorry. You do such an awesome job with DD. Be strong. I don't that think you were being a jerk. Your mom deserves to know how you feel and that what she is doing hurts you and DD.

 

[Phoenix]

Mayk, I don't know what to say but I didn't know you were going through such a hard time. I'm so sorry. You do such an awesome job with DD. Be strong. I don't that think you were being a jerk. Your mom deserves to know how you feel and that what she is doing hurts you and DD.

+1.

Your mother could at least have been more supportive during your DD's surgery and afterwards. Sending you lots of virtual {{{HUGS}}}. Try not to let her upset you too much though, I know it's easier said than done.

 

[missy]

Mary, you are not being a jerk in any way. Your birth mom disappointed you (again) when you needed her and even more upsetting she is not there in the way you want her to be for your dd. Totally understandable how you feel.

I agree you need to lower your expectations or distance yourself a bit or both. I think many of us have experienced similar disappointments and each one of us has different coping mechanisms. Mine is to distance myself because I have trouble lowering my expectations. In your case it is so much more difficult because you have your dd whose feelings you are concerned about and rightly so. It's one thing to be disappointed ourselves but for one's child, well, an entirely different matter IMO.

If you lived closer and you and your birth mom wanted to put the time and energy into the relationship to heal and move forward I would suggest therapy because I think your birth mom needs some eye opening. However that doesn't seem realistic so I think the best you can do is decide what you want from the relationship and have some heart to heart talks without blame, judgment and defensiveness because no one reacts well to that.

To answer Dreamer's question-I think it is possible to treat children (more) equally but it takes commitment and energy to do so and one has to be willing to do that. Ofc if one child has more difficult circumstances then it is understandable that it won't be 100% equal but as equal as possible is what to strive for...my sister had some health issues when she was born and growing up she needed more time and attention from my parents. As a young child (and first born at that) it was difficult to adjust to and I was bratty at times resentful I wasn't getting as much attention. More important than material stuff is time from your family and as a young child one doesn't always understand. Looking back I get it but at the time I didn't. Now though it continues re my parents but as an adult I really do "get" it.

My sister and her dh and kids don't have as "easy" a life as we do-money issues, day to day chaos etc but their home is filled with what is important. Love and support. My parents still give her (and her family) more time, attention and other things but now I do understand and am not jealous in any way. As my dh pointed out a long time ago my parents know I have my dh and that we need nothing whereas my sister is dealing with different circumstances so it is 100% understandable that my parents are there more for her than me.

You and your dd and dh have been through so much and having this unresolved issue with your birth mother is that much more difficult and it pains me to read some of the (IMO not so nice) responses. People need to take into account all you have been dealing with and your defenses are low-understandably so. We are human and don't operate in a vacuum yanno? Feelings are real and not right or wrong though in your case I feel they are right because I would be pissed and hurt with all that has transpired with your birth mom especially that she didn't come and stay and help you and your dd during her recovery and instead chose frivolous activities to partake in instead. But moving on if you want to continue a relationship (and I totally get why you would-she's still your mom) you need to talk it out calmly with her and work it out and figure out what you can realistically expect from the relationship. Some people just don't have it in them to give what we need and we need to adjust our expectations.

Oh, and I most definitely would NOT meet her in Paris before her Africa trip. Really? That's sort of nervy of her to even ask. And I can see why you would think your dd would be hurt by that as well. But do not cover for your birth mom. Your dd is old enough to realize that all people are not as wonderful and loving as her parents and in fact it is necessary for her to get that before she experiences that many times over during life. The more we understand at a younger age the better we can deal with what life will bring as we get older and the more successful we will be in future relationships IMO.

Good luck Mary and biggest hugs from me. I respect and admire you and think you are an amazing mom and wonderful person.