- Joined
- Feb 12, 2011
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- 4,781
So.. here's a current struggle... and I'm so wrapped up in being hacked off I can't see through to be forgiving and it's not my nature...
I'm adopted, found my birth mother when I was 31 yrs old (50 now) we've been close. I travel across the country often to see her and she travels to see me, we've spent holidays together etc and blended our familes. So before DD's surgery (back) she bought a 1st class ticket to come for 8 days to be here and help. Her husband got sick (not death bed sick) and she decided she needed to be there so she cancelled. They did make the opening game for their favorite college football team where they have season tickets, the week after DD's surgery. Many of you know I had 16 days in the hospital with DD... after I came home my mother never offered to use her tickets or reschedule to come help. All the while, I'm hiring people and friends are cooking and we are all up around the clock for weeks. About a week after we get home, I get a note from her saying.. Next August she is going to join a freind on a trip to Africa and she's taking Granddaughter #2 (only #2 because of age she's a year younger than DD) and would DD and I like to meet her in Paris for a few days before they head to Africa. She wants me to know she can't pay for us but she would love to see us. Mind you..I'm operating on about three hours of sleep a night at this point in time it's been for about 21 days. She tries to tell me because Granddaughter #2 doesn't get to travel she needs to do this for her. Well my DD could care less about Paris and I'm going to have to explain why we are going to Paris to see her grandmother and cousin and then they are leaving for Africa and we are not.
A little behind the scenes and why I'm so pissed. My mother has taken GD#2 (granddaughter #2) to Hawaii, Southern California, Florida and her parents took her to all these places too so this 14 year old child has traveled. My mother has "plenty" of money, she's driving a brand new Mercedes SUV (top of the line) has two homes and just sold a vacation home on an island on the west coast. She's not strapped for Cash. Her husband is a builder..very successful. This will be her third trip to Africa and she spent three weeks in Russia last year. She and her husband came to our home this spring spent 10 days rented a car drove all over looking for property and never once spent any time with DD like taking her to lunch or dinner.. They take GD #2 to lunch and dinner all the time, since they live in the same city, once a week in fact in the middle of the week and to church every Sunday. Also during the hospital stay, when we were making a return trip to the PICU and DD was really sick I mentioned the Neruo Surgeron was very concerned.. she laid into me that of course he was concerned because he was worried for his own backside because he should not have done both surgiers at once. (Basically saying I should have listened to her experts, she's affiliated through a guild with a children's hopsital and their doctors had a different opinion).. I was in tears and she was chewing me out... I bit my tongue and said nothing but that I needed to go... I kept quiet. I also never said anything about them not spending any time with DD during the 10 day visit, I just decided to let it go...
Back to getting the email to join them in Paris.. I BLEW A GASKET, this one, I didn't let go! I wrote a hateful email about how she hadn't offered to come and help, I was exhausted trying to return to work and take care of DD around the clock. My hired caregiver had a family emergency and I lost most of my support. Friends we trying to pick up the pieces and she was writing me about a trip to Paris. At present time we are in the middle of building a new home, we have one kid at very expenisive oout of state college, one that graduates in the Spring and would like to attend the same college (ACT/SAT Scores will determine that) and DD will be 16 next year, so another car on the horizon. Therefore, I don't have money to make a trip... I also mentioned how she blasted me while I was in tears in the PICU and how she spent 10 days in our home and no time with DD.. Well as you can imagine, we haven't talked since. She did write a note and say she was sorry I was all stressed out and lashing out and she would come if I told her to... Like I'm going to say come now.. and help. Thanks.. but no thanks... It was my mother's birthday last week. I had DD send her a card and call her and DD has continued to call her. I haven't talked to her and right now.. I have zero interest and I'm just seething angry...which of course eating at me more than her..
So DD last night says to me.. I miss Grandma I want to go and see everyone.. I tell her maybe in June she can fly out (she's gone solo before). DD has always gone in August. She says I would rather go in August around my birthday. I say.. "well I think Grandma is headed back to Africa" (I don't mention GD #2 is going)... DD says.. "I want to go to Africa". My heart is in a knot along with my stomach.. when or if she hears GD #2 went to Africa and she wasn't invited.. it's going to crush her.
At this point.. I'm not even sure what to think anymore. I guess when she gave me up for adoption I would always be different. Believe me... my brother, she's paid a bunch for and they live in one of her homes so GD#2 can live in a "very exclusive" school district and pay next to nothing for rent.. so I know.. I'm different and I also don't need the financial help.. but it just felt like at the worst time she punched me in the stomach. When I was my most tired, most worn out, most worried and frayed.. she wasn't here to help and she was planning a lovely vacation... that included me if I wanted to pay to meet her in Paris... (I've never been, I've always wanted to go and I was suppose to go for my 50th.. but we had this little surgery thing pop up and our home sold... so there you go.. still not going to Paris or Italy which is on the top of my list).
Suggestions? Opinions.. would you be pissed... or just let it slide saying to yourself..... well, she left you behind.. you are different suck it up and make nice so your daughter has one grandmother... she deserves that... What would you do?
I'm adopted, found my birth mother when I was 31 yrs old (50 now) we've been close. I travel across the country often to see her and she travels to see me, we've spent holidays together etc and blended our familes. So before DD's surgery (back) she bought a 1st class ticket to come for 8 days to be here and help. Her husband got sick (not death bed sick) and she decided she needed to be there so she cancelled. They did make the opening game for their favorite college football team where they have season tickets, the week after DD's surgery. Many of you know I had 16 days in the hospital with DD... after I came home my mother never offered to use her tickets or reschedule to come help. All the while, I'm hiring people and friends are cooking and we are all up around the clock for weeks. About a week after we get home, I get a note from her saying.. Next August she is going to join a freind on a trip to Africa and she's taking Granddaughter #2 (only #2 because of age she's a year younger than DD) and would DD and I like to meet her in Paris for a few days before they head to Africa. She wants me to know she can't pay for us but she would love to see us. Mind you..I'm operating on about three hours of sleep a night at this point in time it's been for about 21 days. She tries to tell me because Granddaughter #2 doesn't get to travel she needs to do this for her. Well my DD could care less about Paris and I'm going to have to explain why we are going to Paris to see her grandmother and cousin and then they are leaving for Africa and we are not.
A little behind the scenes and why I'm so pissed. My mother has taken GD#2 (granddaughter #2) to Hawaii, Southern California, Florida and her parents took her to all these places too so this 14 year old child has traveled. My mother has "plenty" of money, she's driving a brand new Mercedes SUV (top of the line) has two homes and just sold a vacation home on an island on the west coast. She's not strapped for Cash. Her husband is a builder..very successful. This will be her third trip to Africa and she spent three weeks in Russia last year. She and her husband came to our home this spring spent 10 days rented a car drove all over looking for property and never once spent any time with DD like taking her to lunch or dinner.. They take GD #2 to lunch and dinner all the time, since they live in the same city, once a week in fact in the middle of the week and to church every Sunday. Also during the hospital stay, when we were making a return trip to the PICU and DD was really sick I mentioned the Neruo Surgeron was very concerned.. she laid into me that of course he was concerned because he was worried for his own backside because he should not have done both surgiers at once. (Basically saying I should have listened to her experts, she's affiliated through a guild with a children's hopsital and their doctors had a different opinion).. I was in tears and she was chewing me out... I bit my tongue and said nothing but that I needed to go... I kept quiet. I also never said anything about them not spending any time with DD during the 10 day visit, I just decided to let it go...
Back to getting the email to join them in Paris.. I BLEW A GASKET, this one, I didn't let go! I wrote a hateful email about how she hadn't offered to come and help, I was exhausted trying to return to work and take care of DD around the clock. My hired caregiver had a family emergency and I lost most of my support. Friends we trying to pick up the pieces and she was writing me about a trip to Paris. At present time we are in the middle of building a new home, we have one kid at very expenisive oout of state college, one that graduates in the Spring and would like to attend the same college (ACT/SAT Scores will determine that) and DD will be 16 next year, so another car on the horizon. Therefore, I don't have money to make a trip... I also mentioned how she blasted me while I was in tears in the PICU and how she spent 10 days in our home and no time with DD.. Well as you can imagine, we haven't talked since. She did write a note and say she was sorry I was all stressed out and lashing out and she would come if I told her to... Like I'm going to say come now.. and help. Thanks.. but no thanks... It was my mother's birthday last week. I had DD send her a card and call her and DD has continued to call her. I haven't talked to her and right now.. I have zero interest and I'm just seething angry...which of course eating at me more than her..
So DD last night says to me.. I miss Grandma I want to go and see everyone.. I tell her maybe in June she can fly out (she's gone solo before). DD has always gone in August. She says I would rather go in August around my birthday. I say.. "well I think Grandma is headed back to Africa" (I don't mention GD #2 is going)... DD says.. "I want to go to Africa". My heart is in a knot along with my stomach.. when or if she hears GD #2 went to Africa and she wasn't invited.. it's going to crush her.
At this point.. I'm not even sure what to think anymore. I guess when she gave me up for adoption I would always be different. Believe me... my brother, she's paid a bunch for and they live in one of her homes so GD#2 can live in a "very exclusive" school district and pay next to nothing for rent.. so I know.. I'm different and I also don't need the financial help.. but it just felt like at the worst time she punched me in the stomach. When I was my most tired, most worn out, most worried and frayed.. she wasn't here to help and she was planning a lovely vacation... that included me if I wanted to pay to meet her in Paris... (I've never been, I've always wanted to go and I was suppose to go for my 50th.. but we had this little surgery thing pop up and our home sold... so there you go.. still not going to Paris or Italy which is on the top of my list).
Suggestions? Opinions.. would you be pissed... or just let it slide saying to yourself..... well, she left you behind.. you are different suck it up and make nice so your daughter has one grandmother... she deserves that... What would you do?