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Is it anyone''s business how you spend your time & money?

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ruthenium

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If through frugality and budgeting you are able to occasionally splurge on some things and not others, should you feel guilty for your more frivolous items?  

What can you do to console the slighted and offended when those splurges of time or money do not include them?

Thank you, looking forward to your input.  
 
If the potentially slighted and offended were closely related to me I wouldn't tolerate comment or ridicule from them unless I had turned down a request for financial help from them -- in which case I'd keep the offending item out of the way
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Otherwise, with friends and acquaintances etc, I'd keep tight-lipped about cost and details in a 'this is really none of your business' manner. Only positive comments accepted. Anyone who'd put you through the ringer because you broke their personal rules and ideas about spending is a presumptuous and/or jealous dummy. That's my kindly take on it hehe. ETA: so my response would be 'be happy for me or sod off'
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If you've earned the money, and are self-sufficient in all your necessary expenses, it's no-one's business what you do with it.

If it's someone else's money, or you owe money to another person, or you aren't meeting the basic financial needs of those who depend on you (ie children), and you then spend on frivolous items, then yes it is their business.

But people tend to have opinions on a lot of things that just aren't their business. That's human nature. I agree with sunseeker that the best way to avoid problems is just to keep ALL financial details between yourself and your SO. Don't make it anyone else's business and it won't be.

ETA: If this is following your other thread about the crazy entitled bridezilla, I'd like to quote whoever said "Get your hand out of my pocket". NO ONE else is entitled to YOUR money. If they want something, they should jolly well pay for it themselves.
 
No, I don''t think what you do with your own money is anyone''s business. I never talk money, costs of purchases or salary with anyone other than my husband. Every time DH and I buy something for ourselves, the first thing FIL asks is how much it costs... It drives me CRAZY!!!

I don''t think anyone should feel entitled to your money either. It''s your money, you should do whatever you want with it, and you don''t have to spend it on other people if you don''t want to.
 
I agree with the posts above. No one else''s business (unless you owe that person money).

One thing to note though:
People see stuff and make assumptions about the cost of it. We''ve got some stuff in the house that people see and automatically comment on how very expensive that must have been. What they don''t realize is that through research & sale watching it was VERY inexpensive. (a good example is our tv watching arrangement -- my mother actually said to my face that it was very expensive and questioned me on it. What she didn''t realize was that our entire room of speakers, screen, etc. cost LESS than just her 42" TV she bought.)


While it IS no one else''s business, people need to keep in mind that it isn''t their business and not make assumptions or judgements based on what they see.
 
Date: 12/3/2009 9:51:16 AM
Author: TooPatient
I agree with the posts above. No one else''s business (unless you owe that person money).

One thing to note though:
People see stuff and make assumptions about the cost of it. We''ve got some stuff in the house that people see and automatically comment on how very expensive that must have been. What they don''t realize is that through research & sale watching it was VERY inexpensive. (a good example is our tv watching arrangement -- my mother actually said to my face that it was very expensive and questioned me on it. What she didn''t realize was that our entire room of speakers, screen, etc. cost LESS than just her 42'' TV she bought.)


While it IS no one else''s business, people need to keep in mind that it isn''t their business and not make assumptions or judgements based on what they see.
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I totally have to agree with this. I am the complete master of finding great deals on stuff (and quite proud of it!), but I''m sure some people assume things we have cost more than they do. Oh well, we can''t really help what others think of us .. If someone was to say something to me in a negative tone about something I/we bought, I''d be pissed. We are definitely not frivolous spenders, any big purchases we make, we research a ton and save up for it, while still paying our bills and saving the usual amount.
 
I only get to run one life.
Mine.

Many people are raised to not believe this, especially within family, especially in countries that are not America.
 
Thank you sunseeker101, LilyKat, anchor31, TooPatient, lilyfoot, & kenny.

In our circle of friends, there is often someone or another who feels slighted by other''s perceived selfishness or lack of priorities. Unfortunately I am also guilty of this offense every so often. Are there any circumstances where it is excusable to pass judgement?

Like lilyfoot & TooPatient, my dh & I are masters of deals. Through research and dumb luck, we are able to purchase items at significant discounts. What are appropriate responses to snarky comments?

Date: 12/3/2009 10:05:52 AM
Author: kenny

Many people are raised to not believe this, especially within family, especially in countries that are not America.
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This is spot on, and explains so much in my situation. Thanks again Kenny.
 
I, like LilyKat, have a feeling this is tied to your Bridezilla thread.

If so, I like sunseeker''s idea of telling them to "sod off".

In all seriousness, provided it isn''t a situation like LilyKat suggestion, where you''re blowing off other financial obligations in order to splurge (which I don''t think is the case at all!), then whomever is concerned with your spending needs to realize it is YOUR money, NOT THEIRS and therefore they have no say in how you spend it. ESPECIALLY if you''ve obtained it by being frugal and saving up for something YOU really wanted!!!

I don''t understand why people feel entitled to other people''s money. If I''m saving up for something in particular, I''m not going to blow it all on someone else! Nor am I going to feel guilty when I choose not to spend my hard-earned money on something someone else wants me to do!!! Now if I want to use that money to say, take my best friend who''s getting married on a girl''s weekend, then that''s my perogative. But said best friend isn''t the one that decides that--I AM.
 
Date: 12/3/2009 10:05:52 AM
Author: kenny
I only get to run one life.
Mine.

Many people are raised to not believe this, especially within family, especially in countries that are not America.
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I completely agree with this.
 
No. Your time and money, your business. Someone actually just made a negative comment to me that DH and I go on "a lot of vacations" - we got married in February, took a 5 day trip over Memorial Day weekend, and then went on our honeymoon in August. Apparently that's a "lot" of vacations (meanwhile, the girl who said it went on 3 with her husband so far and she's planning another one at the end of this month for 2 weeks to Israel - and I never would have thought twice about how many vacations she's gone on this year if she hadn't commented on mine first). I do find myself sometimes refraining from buying things or displaying things because I DO care what people think, and I don't want anyone to think we just waste our money.

My husband won't buy something unless he's done his research and gotten the absolute best deal possible. He's gotten us free nights at hotels, amazing deals on tickets to things, and discounted deals on the vacation and honeymoon we went on. Just because someone could go on the same trip and spend thousands of dollars doesn't mean we did.

The only time I think it is someone else's business is when it affects them - when you make someone else pay for something for you because you say you can't afford it, but then you go ahead and spend money on frivolous things. For example, DH's parents invited 180 people to our wedding and refused to contribute anything, but also flat out refused to cut their guest list at all. They went on and on for MONTHS about how they have NO extra money at all and they can't afford anything. My parents felt like they had no choice (since DH's parents had already invited all the people and my parents were too nice to make them un-invite people) so my parents paid for all their guests. Within 4 months after the wedding, DH's parents went on three vacations to places pretty far away and fancy. And while I know you can get great deals (because I myself have), you simply can't go on three vacations and not spend any money. My parents were (and still are) pretty upset.

The only other situation I can think of where it would be someone else's business would be if parents give financial help with the understanding that the money is for tuition, food, or rent/mortgage and then you take it and spend it on jewelry, bags, shoes, vacations, or other "unnecessary" items. I could see the parents getting upset about that (and I would understand that).

But if it's your money that you're earning and your time and it doesn't actually affect anyone else then it's your business how you spend it and you shouldn't have to defend it to anyone else.
 
I don''t offer consolation to anyone - who do I owe it to? People save/spend money differently. I would NEVER buy a brand new car but I have a the equivalent on my finger. I''m sure most people would rather have the new car lol I''ve always been about quality and never into brand names - the choices I make are my own, why would I have to justify them to anyone else?
 
Date: 12/3/2009 10:22:27 AM
Author: ruthenium
Thank you sunseeker101, LilyKat, anchor31, TooPatient, lilyfoot, & kenny.

In our circle of friends, there is often someone or another who feels slighted by other''s perceived selfishness or lack of priorities. Unfortunately I am also guilty of this offense every so often. Are there any circumstances where it is excusable to pass judgement?

Like lilyfoot & TooPatient, my dh & I are masters of deals. Through research and dumb luck, we are able to purchase items at significant discounts. What are appropriate responses to snarky comments?
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Obviously, I think it''s nobody''s business how you spend your time and money.
However, I don''t think it''s uncommon at all for friends or family members to behave the way you describe--to take *your* choices about money and how to spend your time personally, and to project their own issues onto those choices, and to make judgments about your perceived priorities or values based on them. Is it right? Absolutely not! But, unfortunately, I imagine most of us do it, and some more than others.

I''d like to think that I don''t do this, but I do, even though I know it''s wrong. I don''t voice my opinions, but I''m definitely guilty of making judgments about the way people spend their money and their time, and this thread is a reminder that I need to mind my own beeswax.

I think an appropriate response to snarky comments is always something short and sweet, that way, you kill them with kindness and you avoid getting your own panties in a bunch. If someone says something about the way I spend my money, I''ll usually respond with a big smile and something along the lines of "Well, I couldn''t be happier with my engagement ring, so it was worth it to me!" The smile always gets ''em.
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Date: 12/3/2009 10:40:05 AM
Author: Haven

Obviously, I think it''s nobody''s business how you spend your time and money.

However, I don''t think it''s uncommon at all for friends or family members to behave the way you describe--to take *your* choices about money and how to spend your time personally, and to project their own issues onto those choices, and to make judgments about your perceived priorities or values based on them. Is it right? Absolutely not! But, unfortunately, I imagine most of us do it, and some more than others.


I''d like to think that I don''t do this, but I do, even though I know it''s wrong. I don''t voice my opinions, but I''m definitely guilty of making judgments about the way people spend their money and their time, and this thread is a reminder that I need to mind my own beeswax.


I think an appropriate response to snarky comments is always something short and sweet, that way, you kill them with kindness and you avoid getting your own panties in a bunch. If someone says something about the way I spend my money, I''ll usually respond with a big smile and something along the lines of ''Well, I couldn''t be happier with my engagement ring, so it was worth it to me!'' The smile always gets ''em.
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Thank you Haven, your post really resonated with me. I will resort to your post whenever I feel a twinge of self righteousness coming on
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. I try to diffuse comments as best I can, to be as self deprecating as possible, and over share details in an effort to justify my action. It was 80% off, this is my first x purchase in x# of years, etc. This annoys dh to no end who doesn''t see why it needs to be justified, as we are responsible with our hard earned money, and are quite frugal in other areas of our lives.

LilyKat & vc10um, yes, this thread stems from the Bridezilla thread.
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Lilac, Cehrabera thank you for sharing. I am in complete agreement.
 
Well I can think of one time when I passed judgement and I think it was justified. This was when my MOH (my only attendant) tried to cry being broke with me 3 *weeks* before my wedding and said she couldn't come.

The reason I called her on her other spending (going to see a guy she was seeing which involved planefare, telling me about a new expensive dress she had bought for him, etc.) was because she had 6 months to buy a plane ticket for my wedding and didn't. I also asked her if she could afford it at the time I planned my location AND offered to pay for it if she couldn't (she was a student). So I really think I was more than accommodating with her when I planned my wedding. And I did not ask for her to buy a dress or do ANYTHING else besides buy a plane ticket (which she said she could afford) because I knew money was sometimes tight for her.

So her spending her money in other ways clearly told me what she thought about coming to my wedding. And THEN I even offered to pay for the ticket and more excuses came forth. So something clearly was going on in her life that was NOT financial-so I was really ticked off at her trying to use $ as an excuse. So I certainly called her on her spending and tried to find out what else was going on in her life that made it so she felt she couldn't come. Sadly I never found out (we didn't really have other mutual friends) and we no longer talk.

I should add that I think I was the opposite of a bridezilla/your situation. I was going to let her wear any dress she wanted and I paid for ALL accommodations. Didn't even ask her to host a bridal shower. The only thing she was responsible for was her flight (which at the time averaged about $250).

Anyway-an extreme situation like that aside-I don't think it's anyone's business. I also get comments from people on the things we buy sometimes and I just smile and say "yeah-it's great isn't it? We got a fantastic deal on it". Period. And leave it at that. It is your choice how to spend your money and just because it may not jibe with what your friend wants does not make it wrong. I also am a researcher by nature and find KILLER deals on things. So my friends who are not judgmental now ask me to find great deals for them and my friends who are are no longer my friends.
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Thank you neatfreak for sharing. You were a very gracious and generous bride.

What started this thread was partly my own experiences and the Bridezilla thread. While the "get a job so you can pay for my Bachelorette Party" was pretty repugnant, I did see where the sentiment was coming from. From the bride''s point of view, she saw that her friend was not working, and conceivably could have been. Because it was important to have everyone attend, she felt offended the friend "was irresponsible just sitting at home and could have been working." I agree that her time could have been better spent, however I know she went through a tremendous hardship, and am glad she took time for herself to overcome it. Additionally, any income earned certainly would have gone towards her considerable debt and not to fund a party.

Thank you for this outlet. There were certain details I felt did not fit with the other group voice.
 
One of my friends makes a habit of talking about how broke she is. Problem is she''s always asking me to give her things. If I buy a new shirt, she asks if I have any shirts I don''t need any more. She use to leave messages on my voice mail about needing stuff - she would ALWAYS ask for tank tops of all things. I use to give her gift packages of makeup every few months and I really loved giving her the gifts, but felt that by doing so I was perpetuating her requests for other stuff and had to break up the routine.

For a long time I felt guilty because of her situation vs. mine, so I decided to not talk to her for a few months. Those few months have turned into 10 months and I fear calling her will start the whole routine again.
 
Most people never actually comment on our stuff. They get the look and sigh and say how they wish that someday they can afford something like _____. For those people, I usually mention that we got a great deal on ______ and would be more than happy to pass on what we learned about _____.

For my mother & her comment about our media stuff (especially since it was causing problems with her husband), I let her know exactly what everything cost.
She was absolutely shocked. (and when the time came that they needed to replace their stuff, she & her husband came to visit and we helped them find great deals on the stuff too -- so now she has bigger & better than she ever dreamed of for about 1/2 the price they had planned to spend on the less nice things)


I LOVE finding great deals on stuff we need. Very often that stuff saves us money in the long run ($10 citrus juicer = no more expensive jarred citrus juice).
There are many people who just don''t think about things that way. They see something nice and assume it was expensive. They don''t think about 80% clearance sale + additional 10% off coupon.

If they want to be nice, I''ll let them know when I see a deal on something they would like/need. If not, I''ll avoid them.
 
I''m in the camp of "it''s nobody''s business unless it affects them somehow." But I do realize that people will and do make judgments (as do I, although I am polite enough NOT to say anything."

I had a very weird experience with someone I am not close to at all (SO''s cousin''s husband). He was looking at my iPhone and I think asked me if it had video or something like that. I said yes, it does, it''s the new 3GS (they had JUST come out at the time). He said to me "Wow, you really do have too much money." I was shocked, I make a pretty decent living but am not a show off by any means. I like buying nice things for myself and when I do, it doesn''t affect anyone but me! Anyway, I stammered something like "Um, it was a birthday present from SO" (which it was!). But I really wish I would have said something to politely and nicely let him know that it was NONE of his business!!!

People sometimes
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I think this type of idea is very dependent on how you phrase the question. For those who said that it''s no one''s business how someone spends their time and money, would you still feel that way if you found out your best friend''s husband was spending money on hookers and blow?
 
Date: 12/3/2009 12:54:01 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl
I''m in the camp of ''it''s nobody''s business unless it affects them somehow.'' But I do realize that people will and do make judgments (as do I, although I am polite enough NOT to say anything.''

I had a very weird experience with someone I am not close to at all (SO''s cousin''s husband). He was looking at my iPhone and I think asked me if it had video or something like that. I said yes, it does, it''s the new 3GS (they had JUST come out at the time). He said to me ''Wow, you really do have too much money.'' I was shocked, I make a pretty decent living but am not a show off by any means. I like buying nice things for myself and when I do, it doesn''t affect anyone but me! Anyway, I stammered something like ''Um, it was a birthday present from SO'' (which it was!). But I really wish I would have said something to politely and nicely let him know that it was NONE of his business!!!

People sometimes
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How about this as a response:

"Wow, you really don''t have a brain."


Okay, I never could manage to say that to anyone but I would certainly think it.
 
Ha! Weddings make people crazy. I almost DEFRIENDED a girl I''ve known for over 15 years because of what a whack job she was during the wedding planning stages, I honestly questioned who that BEAST (not beauty) that this person was.

When something is very important to someone - like weddings, people become blind. Judgements get clouded...and with what circuses weddings are becoming these days, it is easy for people to get wrapped up in it all... when they need to be reminded - it is a joyous celebration, of family and friends who support the new life and the new unit of the happy couple. These are old friends, and new, family that watched you group and and long to watch you grow old - and possibly expand your new family - everyone blending together- in JOY and in HAPPINESS for this new couple. The party is ONE DAY. THAT IS IT. Many times people forget that and think it is this year plus long ordeal that everyone cares about. They don''t. No one cares how the magic happens, they just want to see the show... not the hours, months of all the hard work. People in your party will *help* and some more than others. For those that haven''t been married - they dont get all the months, and really just don''t KNOW about all the expenses time and exhausting stress that goes into it.

The best thing to do in this situation, is to be kind and remind them... it is just one BEAUTIFUL DAY... and I will help make your day the best I can - but remember - it is the MARRIAGE that counts. Once they realize that (if they can) hopefully they can actually enjoy that day - and not be stressed the whole day... and to be honest, if she has chosen great attendants - than it REALLY CAN BE as stress free as she''ll let it.

I read the thread about your friend, and bride. I''ve been there. TRUST ME. My friend is now happily married and NORMAL again.. but she was BLIND for months about how things she didn''t think were a big deal- and didn''t understand other''s financial hardships, because she couldn''t see past "They knew these expenses were coming..." mindset.

Fortunately, I''m a very good speaker, and very good with the use of analogies, and have a banging awesome memory for how THEY PERSONALLY handled things in the past, so it is very easy for me to twist them into an understanding... thing is - when someone feels that their wedding isn''t important to someone else - it hurts. Whether or not they let you know about it.

Sometimes you just have to tactfully let them know you''ll be there on that day, and that it is important to you - but not YOUR WORLD. But you do so by reassuring them about that day... asking and offereing your assistance in other areas, and letting them know - hey sounds like XXX can''t afford this trip- but I think the time off was good for her sanity... and heck- her being happy will just lend to have her help you out more... depressed people are never any fun anyway - and certainly never at a party! But you just talk in whatever tones, but not by bashing the friend, and also not going against the bride... it is a thin line... but you gotta walk that limp noodle like nothing else.

How you spend your pot of money ain''t anyone''s business other than the pot contributers... whomever they will be. If the 2 cents are in it... then justifactions are necessary.
 
No, I don''t think it''s anybody''s business how I spend my time or my money. People will still make judgments. If I owed a friend or family member money then I could fathom that they''d want to say something, but I still think it''s uncalled for. Just a little tactless. In the end you can''t tell others how to handle their finances.

My MIL has made comments to me before about my jewlery and how she doesn''t understand why I "waste my money" on it when I should be saving it for this or for that.
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I mentioned this in a thread over in FH&H before and got some good comebacks but haven''t had to use them....yet.

I have a hard time feeling sorry for people who are always crying poor but don''t seem to want to change. I''ll use my SIL as an example. I like her and we''re friends but she''s terrible with money. She went to law school and has been graduated for about 3 years now. She has a lot of student loan debt and cc debt and is always complaining about money and only recently got a "real" job. But yet every time I see her she''s got new clothes, a new bag and her hair and nails are done. I''ve never said anything to her about it but I do wonder - what is she thinking?! Like I said previously, it''s not my business and I can''t tell her how to handle her own finances so I keep my mouth shut.
 
If you aren't being helped financially, don't owe anything to anyone or in debt, and are paying for all of your own things, then No, I don't think you should have to answer to anyone.

However, I can understand being frustrated by someone that spends freely on things that she wants, but then complains incessantly about prices and lack of funds when it comes to group outings and dinners... especially if it ends up affecting my time as well.

I had 2 friends like that. One is still the same and we don't talk anymore, and the other has really turned her finances around.
 
It is your right to do whatever you wish with your money/possessions - - if you have all debts paid in full. If anything you currently have is a result of your familiy''s generousity, then you have some responsibility to spend wisely, sanely, and avoid frivilous spending on ''things'' that others have done without for your benefit.

For instance, I still owe my father money toward a debt he helped me eliminate so that we would have excellent credit ratings by the time we started house searching. (Even at my age, I was a victim of a bad business venture decision that cost me.) We bought the house, but did not go crazy and buy furniture for every room - - because I still owe the repayment of the debt. My dad would be fine with ''forgiving'' my debt, but I wouldn''t.

As long as it''s all yours, no strings attached, no one to whom you owe a dime of it, no one sacrificed a lot to give you the means to acquire your wealth, then spend it however you want. If you want to share, go ahead. If you prefer to spend in yourself, that is also your perogative.

Having said that, I''ll say this. It is a wonderful thing to be able to treat others to the finer things in life if we have the means to do so. I''m not a huge fan of Oprah, but I will say that she has perfected the art of giving for the pleasure of giving. Give careful consideration to what you could do for others, and how much that might mean to them, before spending enormous amounts only on yourself.
 
No, it''s no one''s business. However you also don''t need to run around bragging about purchases.
 
I don''t stick my nose in anyone else''s business and I expect the same from them.
 
in some cases yes!! i have friends whom owes me money and they drive around in their Mercedes and BMWs,go on expensive vacations,lives in an expensive homes.
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My friend and I had this conversation years ago and I keep her response around because I like it:
Why are your friends so concerned about your money, if you are not sinking cash into a nasty drug or gambling habit? if you are making money, able to afford shelter you like, and can stay in the black, you are fine. even if you are overpaying for an apartment or a coat or a haircut, but are happy with it, then who the heck cares. it''s your choice. if you were spending your friends'' money, then ultimately they have a right to impress upon you. but they are not a spouse or close blood relation, so ignore them. people think i''m arrogant and hostile and self-centered, but whatever. why does everyone want everyone else to be as codependent as they are? if you want to take a friend poll, then you will tell them so. otherwise, they can say things once. second to third time is considered nagging, and if anyone has a right to that, it''s parents. and even then i think it''s messed up.
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Date: 12/3/2009 2:55:25 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
in some cases yes!! i have friends whom owes me money and they drive around in their Mercedes and BMWs,go on expensive vacations,lives in an expensive homes.
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Okay, tell me WHY would you lend them money in the first place? Haven''t they demonstrated in the past (I would venture to guess) that they have NO money management skills? lol Take them to small claims court.
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