Wedding Invite etiquette for no shows

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Hello ladies, my mother and I are having a small etiquette dispute and I am hoping you can help.

There are some people my mom wants to invite she knows won’t come and for various reasons she believes it is the right thing to do.
I think asking wealthy people you know won’t come and who know you know they won’t come seems like a gift grab when it isn’t.

For example, there are some family friends who can’t come because their son is getting married the day before, but who invited us; or the parents of one of my BMs whom I have only met once and who won’t come and there are a few others along these lines.

Would it be rude not to send an invite or rude to do so? How would you feel if you were one of these people?

 

[violet02]

I did this... My FI''s mom and my parents asked us to invite certain family friends and some family that they knew wouldn''t be able to come. I think they felt these people would be a bit miffed if they were left off the invite list, and who knows maybe they could come but we knew they wouldn''t. For other more distant family/friends we''re just sending wedding announcements instead.

If I was a close family friend even if I couldn''t come I would like to be invited. Particularly if I had invited you to a wedding. I don''t know what the etiquette is on this though. I just know how we handled it etc.

 

[CJ2008]

brazen, that''s a tough one!

I would err on the side of inviting people. If these are family friends, they''ll "know" it''s not a gift grab...

 

[Krissie]

We know that only about a quarter of D''s family is able to come because it''s overseas, but we''re inviting them anyhow -- they would feel slighted if they weren''t included. I really doubt they''ll get us a gift though, so that''s really not a concern (D tells me that in his experience with his family, being invited to a wedding doesn''t automatically mean you give a gift if you can''t attend).

 

[zoebartlett]

I''d send the invitation to them anyway. I think people appreciate being thought of, even if they know and you kow they won''t be able to attend. I don''t think it looks like you''re being greedy or anything -- it''s just a nice gesture.

Even if I knew I couldn''t go to a particular wedding, I''d still love to get an invitation. I''d love to see what it looked like, and I''d love feeling like I was invited to share in someone''s wedding even though I''d have to decline. My aunt didn''t think she''d be able to attend our wedding, but she loved getting the invitation in the mail. It made her feel like we hadn''t forgotten her or something. She still felt included, and we were happy to send her an invitation.

 

[Haven]

If it is absurd for you to even think the potential guests might come, then simply send a wedding announcement after the big day.

If there is a chance they may come, and you have room on your list and in your budget, invite them.

 

[diamondfan]

I am torn on this too. We have a couple of out of town friends who cannot attend due to having another large event that day for a family member. Therefore, I am not planning to send them an invite, as I sent them a save the date (which is how I came to find out about their conflict, they called to say they loved the save the date but it was their nephew's wedding or whatever so they could not make it). If they want to send a gift, great, not necessary but nice, and they know the event is coming up. And honestly, my invites for my son's bar mitzvah are running me $50.00 each and I am not sending them out just for the heck of it.

However, some folks, even if they cannot attend, like to see the invite or have it to look at, and so they want one anyway, and do not view it as a ploy for gifts. If you really would have loved to have them, send it, it cannot be a bad thing. Hard to know how someone will take it. The other thing is plans CAN change, at our wedding a family friend of my husband's said they were going to be away and then something happened and their trip was canceled and they ended up coming to our wedding after all. So it is really so dependent on the person and the reason they say they cannot attend.

 

[neatfreak]

My rule is that it isn''t rude to invite them if you''d really want them there. If you are just inviting them BECAUSE you know they won''t come but will send a gift, that is a gift grab IMO.

 

[musey]

Date: 8/7/2008 5:53:29 PM
Author:brazen_irish_hussy
For example, there are some family friends who can't come because their son is getting married the day before, but who invited us

I think, in cases like this, it may seem "logical" not to send the invitation... but at the same time, some people may think "Well, they could have at least invited us!" It's a courtesy invitation so that the invitee knows that they are definitely welcome and wanted there, even though all are aware that the invitee is unable to attend. If they weren't sent an invitation, it may send the message that the invitee isn't welcome in any case. Know what I mean?

On the other hand, I've been HATING my FMIL's argument for inviting her 23469078 friends: "They won't come anyway, plus this way you'll get a gift from them"

ETA: So I guess, ditto what neatfreak said!

 

[Haven]

Date: 8/7/2008 7:09:23 PM
Author: diamondfan
I am torn on this too. We have a couple of out of town friends who cannot attend due to having another large event that day for a family member. Therefore, I am not planning to send them an invite, as I sent them a save the date (which is how I came to find out about their conflict, they called to say they loved the save the date but it was their nephew''s wedding or whatever so they could not make it). If they want to send a gift, great, not necessary but nice, and they know the event is coming up. And honestly, my invites for my son''s bar mitzvah are running me $50.00 each and I am not sending them out just for the heck of it.


However, some folks, even if they cannot attend, like to see the invite or have it to look at, and so they want one anyway, and do not view it as a ploy for gifts. Hard to know how someone will take it. The other thing is plans CAN change, at our wedding a family friend of my husband''s said they were going to be away and then something happened and their trip was cancelled and they ended up coming to our wedding after all. So it is really so dependent on the person and the reason they say they cannot attend.

I''d love to see his Bar Mitzvah invites--have any pictures of them?

Sorry for the threadjack!

 

[miraclesrule]

Monkey see, monkey do...minijack bandwagoner here:

Diamond Fan: can you post a pic in your thread? I'm dying to see them too.

Hussy:

I think that if you have to think about it this much, you probably shouldn't invite them. But if it's family that you know are unable to, or unwilling to travel, then I think they should get be invited, just because they are family. (And I love to torment family) Although if family is unwilling to travel, such as my sister who refuses to fly or get on a train, then it is gift grab for me. I figure she owes me for never having to take care of the family because she gets to use the excuse that she is too scared to fly in order to stay on the the other side of the country while I am here to take care of the parents. Oh, yeah, she better send my daughter a gift.

 

[diamondfan]

I do not have them yet, they are at the calligraphers.
They are by Encore Studios. It is a chocolate brown wrap, which opens like french doors. A square seal in aqua blue and cream beveled paper holds the "doors" shut, on the seal is his name in script, with a flourish underneath, in chocolate brown. Inside, there is heavy card stock, two aqua layers with a layer of cream paper beveled in, with the writing on, in chocolate ink, a mix of script and block. The envelopes are chocolate brown with aqua calligraphy, and the lining on the envelopes is aqua with a cream edge showing. The envelope closes with another beveled seal, aqua/cream/aqua, with his monogram and the flourish thing. The RSVP card is also the sandwiched heavy paper, aqua/cream/aqua...the weight is heavy, there is no glitter or fuzzy textured paper, just heavy stock and I love the way it looks. It is almost 2.00 to mail, it is a square so that adds to the postage but it is so heavy! The calligrapher is doing a combo of the invitees name in script and then the flourish and then underneath she prints their address. It looks great. Once I get one, I will try to post it, but I do not know how to block out text on it. Can someone tell me how to do that?

 

[julesbeth]

I am sending out like 100 invites, and about 45 of them have pretty much already told a family member they can''t/won''t make the trip to chicago. I had to send the invites out anyway... annoying, but you never know, maybe plans will fall throguh or there will be a change of heart.

Post your invites for us too!!!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think include everyone exclude no one, if you can.

People might just surprise you. You never know who might say "wow, I''d really love to see her get married" and show up....

 

[meresal]

Date: 8/8/2008 3:22:39 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I think include everyone exclude no one, if you can.

People might just surprise you. You never know who might say 'wow, I'd really love to see her get married' and show up....

Agreed.

Did the other family invite you knowing, that your wedding was going to be the day after their sons, and you more than likely wouldn't make it to theirs either?

 

[swimmer]

Date: 8/7/2008 7:22:21 PM
Author: musey


On the other hand, I''ve been HATING my FMIL''s argument for inviting her 23469078 friends: ''They won''t come anyway, plus this way you''ll get a gift from them''

ETA: So I guess, ditto what neatfreak said!

Minithreadjack/tangent! Musey, be careful....my now MIL said the same thing, and guess what, THEY CAME! About half of the people she said would NEVER fly across the country for our wedding DID! I had no idea who these people were, and BIH, I didn''t want it to be a present grab or anything, just wanted to not be at odds with DH''s mom so gave in and addressed the envelopes. Easy enough to do with inexpensive invites, but beware if you want to keep numbers down.

 

[Beth]

You are socially obliged to invite them. Their means are completely irrelevant and whether or not they are able to attend due to their own other social commitments is also for them to determine, not for you to forcast. It would be in very poor taste to exclude them. Listen to your Mother.

 

[Rhea]

Invite them.

My friends knew that I wouldn''t be able to come to their wedding so they didn''t invite me. It hurt. We planned our weddings together and they attended mine less than two months earlier. They probably only saved $2-3 on the invitation by not inviting me but I really would have liked the opportunity had my plans changed.

If you want someone there invite them even if you don''t think they''ll come. It doesn''t look like a gift grab, it looks like you would have liked to have them.