Wedding invite dilemma: what would you do? (long)

[mimzy]

a couple of years ago i was a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding. i had met her through her bf/husband, who i'd been friends with since 7th grade. we stayed close with them after they got married and spent a decent amount of time with them.

unfortunately around new years this past year she and i had a huge falling out that rendered us not friends anymore. when i tried to talk to her husband he ignored me, which was disappointing, but understandable. when we sent out our STDs back in march stefan insisted that we send them one even just as a courtesy since i was in their wedding. i resisted but eventually we did. in the meantime i had had a short conversation with her online just letting her know that even though we weren't friends anymore that i didn't have a bad thing to say about her and i wished her well. for unimportant reasons we both eventually regretted sending them the std in the first place, but oh well...

well now they are getting a divorce. it appears to be amicable, but since i don't talk to either of them anymore i don't really know the details. he has moved out and has since rekindled his friendship with his ex-best friend (who he sort of deserted when he got married and who i am still very good friends with). i sent him a birthday message the other day, but got no response. i also sent her an email a few weeks ago saying that i was sorry to hear what was happening and that if she needed anything that i was here, to which i got a nice response to, but have not heard from her since (not that i was expecting to, just wanted to extend the sentiment).

so who do i invite? do i invite her, who while has been more open to communication, i really have very little interest in still being her friend? or do i invite him, who i have more history with, who would know other people at the wedding, but has generally ignored me since new years (with the exception of telling his friend to say hi to me while we were hanging out and he called in on the phone)? or am i obligated to still invite them both with dates? (which i'd prefer not to do....we're already busting at the seams in terms of # and would just rather not take the risk)

the stupid thing is that it's highly unlikely that either of them would come at all. and it's not like i think that either of them being there would 'ruin the day' or 'add drama' or anything like that, it wouldn't at all. i'm just not sure what to do

 

[kama_s]

Wow. This one''s a doozy. I, personally, would invite both. Even though the guy ignored you, he might have his own crazy reasoning (perhaps his wife asked him to d/c all connection with you?). I doubt either will come, because a) of the turmoil in their life presently and b) the possibility of seeing each other in a closed environment so soon and c) not being too close with you for the past while. But if you send out the invitation, atleast you''ve done your part and dont seem like you''re taking sides. Inviting one and not the other spells disaster, because they''ll think you''re favouring one over the other (which you shouldn''t), and you cant uninvite after sending out the std.

 

[dragonfly411]

I don''t know that I would feel obligated to invite either of them. They don''t respond to your efforts of communication and you aren''t actively friends with either. I would rather invite friends that I''m closer with, or even a coworker that I''m closer with, than people I haven''t spoken to in over a year... JMHO

 

[newbie124]

I kind of agree w/ dragonfly. I know etiquette rules dictate that you need to send invites to those you sent Save the Date to, but in this scenario, I might just ask for Emily Post's forgiveness and skip over them when it comes time to send out the invitations. Besides, I think both of them are probably going to be too wrapped up in their own personal affairs to worry about whether you send them an invitation or not. Has either person even said anything about your wedding since receiving the Save the Date (well, I know you said the guy hasn't even made any direct contact with you)? If not, I would maybe just let it slide...

If your guy friend had started talking to you again, I would've suggested maybe just sending him the invitation and not his ex. But since he's pretty much been ignoring you and not even asking about the wedding, I think you should save yourself the extra stress and just not invite either of them.

 

[mimzy]

i'm not sure if i'm down completely nixing the invitation all together.....i feel like since i sent them the std i can't just take it back all together.......

there are many people that i would rather send the invitation to, but still..

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think you seem to be having a hard time getting the message...if neither one are very open to communicating with you--and you''re always the one to reach out to them (as a couple, or individually), then it seems to me neither one is all are that interested in rekindling a friendship with you or attending your wedding.

I think, from this point forward, leaving well enough alone is best. As you stated in your OP, both you and your F regretted sending them a STD anyway. If they are in the middle of a divorce, amicable or not, they have a lot on their plate...and will more likely than not simply overlook the fact they never recieved an invite, anyway.

I''m much like you...past friendship always have a way at tugging at my heart strings--and more than once, I''ve tried to go back and mend fences. But the truth is, not every friendship is meant to last forever. Sometimes, it''s okay to appreciate the past for what it was, but put your main focus on the future. You clearly said in your OP that you don''t have much interest in becoming real "friends" again...so why go forward, and stress out over two people that you don''t have a strong desire to reconnect with, that aren''t that interested in reconnecting with you either?

Let it go. I know you''re trying to be a good person, and the best version of a dipolmatic bride...but, let it go. They are going thru a lot...and you don''t need one more thing to worry about.

 

[newbie124]

Yes, what Italia said.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 9/22/2008 2:14:36 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I think you seem to be having a hard time getting the message...if neither one are very open to communicating with you--and you're always the one to reach out to them (as a couple, or individually), then it seems to me neither one is all are that interested in rekindling a friendship with you or attending your wedding.

no...i get the message, i'm not that dense. but their lack of enthusiasm doesn't change the fact that i don't want to be rude and drop the invitation. i'm not inviting them because i'm hoping for a reconciliation or something, i'm doing it as a courtesy. nothing has happened between me/FI and her/him since we sent the std, so reneging on it just because they are getting divorced wouldn't really be excusable on my end and frankly i'm surprised at how many people think it's okay to uninvite someone when there was no real crime committed by the other party.


besides, only he is being completely nonresponsive - hence the question about who to invite. she has been responsive both times i contacted her, going so far as to say that she hopes that we can catch up sometime. not that this is evidence that she wants to be friends again, i just want to clarify because it's not like i am constantly trying to get them to talk to me and i never get a response. and i'm nowhere near 'stressing' about it, it's just been on my mind and i wanted to get others thoughts. but not inviting either of them is not an option, i would just never be that rude, regardless of whether or not they will be offended or even notice.

 

[dragonfly411]

If she is being responsive, and you absolutely feel a need to send an invite, then send one to her. But again, if neither has responded to you, you aren''t friends with either, you regret the STD send, and they are divorcing, it will probably be overlooked first of all and second of all I would think that the invite might be better received and more happily sent with another party.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 9/22/2008 3:01:48 PM
Author: mimzy

Date: 9/22/2008 2:14:36 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I think you seem to be having a hard time getting the message...if neither one are very open to communicating with you--and you''re always the one to reach out to them (as a couple, or individually), then it seems to me neither one is all are that interested in rekindling a friendship with you or attending your wedding.

no...i get the message, i''m not that dense. but their lack of enthusiasm doesn''t change the fact that i don''t want to be rude and drop the invitation. i''m not inviting them because i''m hoping for a reconciliation or something, i''m doing it as a courtesy. nothing has happened between me/FI and her/him since we sent the std, so reneging on it just because they are getting divorced wouldn''t really be excusable on my end and frankly i''m surprised at how many people think it''s okay to uninvite someone when there was no real crime committed by the other party.


besides, only he is being completely nonresponsive - hence the question about who to invite. she has been responsive both times i contacted her, going so far as to say that she hopes that we can catch up sometime. not that this is evidence that she wants to be friends again, i just want to clarify because it''s not like i am constantly trying to get them to talk to me and i never get a response. and i''m nowhere near ''stressing'' about it, it''s just been on my mind and i wanted to get others thoughts. but not inviting either of them is not an option, i would just never be that rude, regardless of whether or not they will be offended or even notice.

Someone on this site once said something very true ... that no one cares as much about your wedding as you do...and I think as they are working their way thru their failed marriage, this is probably doubly true for them.

I find it so odd that you''re inviting them as a "courtesy" ... like you don''t even want them there. Why bother? You sent a STD to two people who don''t even talk to you...and now you''re hemming and hawwing over weither to invite them, or, better yet--which one to invite. When, and heres the kicker, you don''t really care to be friends with either one anyway. And you''re surprised people are telling you just "let it go"....

You''re creating this issue for yourself. Invite whomever you want...clearly you think you''ll have better luck getting her to show up than him. But, if it were my wedding, I wouldn''t anyone I didn''t really want there anyway.

 

[mimzy]

i''m not hemming and hawwing over whether or not to invite them, i was hoping to get some input on what the appropriate thing to do was. perhaps we should have never send the std, but what''s done is done - that''s where the courtesy is; people do things out of courtesy all the time, it''s not a bad thing. if you would drop the invitation to both of them for your wedding, that''s fine, but i''m not.

as for creating an issue for myself, i''m not sure what you mean. i think that my question is valid, and just because i''m saying that i''m not comfortable being that rude doesn''t mean that i''m "creating an issue". i''m not planning on spending weeks milling over this decision, but it''s a decision i have to make eventually.

and again, i don''t expect that either of them care at all about the wedding - but that doesn''t change the fact that i have to make a decision and not inviting either is not an option.

 

[Gwyn]

If the invitation is coming from an obligation standpoint, I do not think you are under any obligation to invite either. Judging your side of the past history with the two of them, I would not invite either one. If you wanted to invite one, for some reason or the other, I would invite him since he is the one you expressed wanting a relationship with. Since the divorce seems amicable, you could probably invite both and there would be no issue.

They both seem a little flaky right now, though that vould be because they have their own things going on, unless I really wanted one (or both for that matter) of them at my wedding, I wouldnt invite either. It just seems like it will add more stress and/or dissapointment trying to include them.

Even if they remember the save the date and such, how many people know that entitles them to an invite? One thing I have found out planning a wedding is how little people know of "proper ettiquette" even if they have planned one themselves.

On top of that, I doubt that these two, with everything they have going on, will be offended.

 

[buttercup80]

Date: 9/22/2008 11:06:28 AM
Author: Kama
Wow. This one''s a doozy. I, personally, would invite both. Even though the guy ignored you, he might have his own crazy reasoning (perhaps his wife asked him to d/c all connection with you?). I doubt either will come, because a) of the turmoil in their life presently and b) the possibility of seeing each other in a closed environment so soon and c) not being too close with you for the past while. But if you send out the invitation, atleast you''ve done your part and dont seem like you''re taking sides. Inviting one and not the other spells disaster, because they''ll think you''re favouring one over the other (which you shouldn''t), and you cant uninvite after sending out the std.

Ditto. I think you should invite both. . .but I don''t feel like you''re obligated to invite them with dates.

 

[Sabine]

Mimzy, I understand that you are asking about who to invite of the 2, and that you absolutely feel that you should invite at least one of them since you sent the std, but I honestly feel the appropriate thing to do is to not invite either of them. Receiving the invite to your wedding might even be seen as a slap in the face in light of their divorce. Sometimes life situations change, and this change has taken place since you sent the std, and in light of their divorce, I think it would be more kind to just not invite them. If you do invite them, they might spend time agonizing over if the other is going, if they are bringing a date, how to be civil if they are both there, etc.

 

[LAJennifer]

Date: 9/22/2008 3:01:48 PM
Author: mimzy

Date: 9/22/2008 2:14:36 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I think you seem to be having a hard time getting the message...if neither one are very open to communicating with you--and you''re always the one to reach out to them (as a couple, or individually), then it seems to me neither one is all are that interested in rekindling a friendship with you or attending your wedding.

no...i get the message, i''m not that dense. but their lack of enthusiasm doesn''t change the fact that i don''t want to be rude and drop the invitation. i''m not inviting them because i''m hoping for a reconciliation or something, i''m doing it as a courtesy. nothing has happened between me/FI and her/him since we sent the std, so reneging on it just because they are getting divorced wouldn''t really be excusable on my end and frankly i''m surprised at how many people think it''s okay to uninvite someone when there was no real crime committed by the other party.


besides, only he is being completely nonresponsive - hence the question about who to invite. she has been responsive both times i contacted her, going so far as to say that she hopes that we can catch up sometime. not that this is evidence that she wants to be friends again, i just want to clarify because it''s not like i am constantly trying to get them to talk to me and i never get a response. and i''m nowhere near ''stressing'' about it, it''s just been on my mind and i wanted to get others thoughts. but not inviting either of them is not an option, i would just never be that rude, regardless of whether or not they will be offended or even notice.

Invite them both as singles.

 

[LAJennifer]

Date: 9/22/2008 3:32:28 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Date: 9/22/2008 3:01:48 PM
Author: mimzy

Date: 9/22/2008 2:14:36 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I think you seem to be having a hard time getting the message...if neither one are very open to communicating with you--and you're always the one to reach out to them (as a couple, or individually), then it seems to me neither one is all are that interested in rekindling a friendship with you or attending your wedding.

no...i get the message, i'm not that dense. but their lack of enthusiasm doesn't change the fact that i don't want to be rude and drop the invitation. i'm not inviting them because i'm hoping for a reconciliation or something, i'm doing it as a courtesy. nothing has happened between me/FI and her/him since we sent the std, so reneging on it just because they are getting divorced wouldn't really be excusable on my end and frankly i'm surprised at how many people think it's okay to uninvite someone when there was no real crime committed by the other party.


besides, only he is being completely nonresponsive - hence the question about who to invite. she has been responsive both times i contacted her, going so far as to say that she hopes that we can catch up sometime. not that this is evidence that she wants to be friends again, i just want to clarify because it's not like i am constantly trying to get them to talk to me and i never get a response. and i'm nowhere near 'stressing' about it, it's just been on my mind and i wanted to get others thoughts. but not inviting either of them is not an option, i would just never be that rude, regardless of whether or not they will be offended or even notice.

Someone on this site once said something very true ... that no one cares as much about your wedding as you do...and I think as they are working their way thru their failed marriage, this is probably doubly true for them.

I find it so odd that you're inviting them as a 'courtesy' ... like you don't even want them there. Why bother? You sent a STD to two people who don't even talk to you...and now you're hemming and hawwing over weither to invite them, or, better yet--which one to invite. When, and heres the kicker, you don't really care to be friends with either one anyway. And you're surprised people are telling you just 'let it go'....

You're creating this issue for yourself. Invite whomever you want...clearly you think you'll have better luck getting her to show up than him. But, if it were my wedding, I wouldn't anyone I didn't really want there anyway.

I think I may have been the originator of that - in this thread: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/rude-post-reception-email-how-do-i-respond-help.46157/
It's so true.

 

[newbie124]

Date: 9/22/2008 5:11:13 PM
Author: Sabine
Mimzy, I understand that you are asking about who to invite of the 2, and that you absolutely feel that you should invite at least one of them since you sent the std, but I honestly feel the appropriate thing to do is to not invite either of them. Receiving the invite to your wedding might even be seen as a slap in the face in light of their divorce. Sometimes life situations change, and this change has taken place since you sent the std, and in light of their divorce, I think it would be more kind to just not invite them. If you do invite them, they might spend time agonizing over if the other is going, if they are bringing a date, how to be civil if they are both there, etc.

I also agree with Sabine and this was one of the reasons why I also initially voted to not invite either. If you never fully patched things up after the falling out and were still mostly not on speaking terms, I'm sure they probably found it a little odd to get your save the date in the first place. And then to get the invitation after still not really having any contact whatsoever and at the same time going through the middle of a divorce, I don't know that they would necessarily accept it as a gracious gesture, even though, ironically, your intent is to not offend them. I think you would probably be doing them a favor and sparing them the awkwardness of deciding whether or not to attend and possibly even offending them given their personal situation and the fact that you are no longer close friends.

It seems like if they were fully over your previous falling out, they would be a lot more communicative and probably would've tried to make contact with you after receiving the STDs. But based on the way you've described things, it doesn't sound like they're exactly eager to rekindle the friendship, and may even resent the fact that you're sending them an invitation to your wedding, as if it were just a gift grab or something. (NOT saying at all that that's your intent...but that just might be the way they would take it given everything that's happened.)

Of course, a lot of this is just conjecture on our part since we obviously don't know these people and your full history with them. But given what you have shared, this would be my opinion.

ETA: If you do fully intend to go through and send an invitation, though, I think the least controversial thing to do would be to send one to both of them and not one or the other. Also, if you're allowing other singles to invite a guest, then I think you would have to allow them as well if they asked.

 

[Izzy03]

I say no. If you did not have an issue with already having too many guests, I would say "sure, invite them", but you are limited! Yes you did send a save the date, but oh well. You PLANNED on inviting them and now things have changed.

If you really aren't friends with either of them anymore, they probably aren't expecting an invitation anyway. I read on some advice on the "theknot.com" that made a big impact on me, and really helped me to decide which friends I should and shouldn't invite. It said something along the lines of "the people you invite to your wedding should be people who are important in your life RIGHT NOW, not your best friend from 5 years ago, who you haven't spoken to in 3 years.

Good luck!

 

[Octavia]

In addition to what Izzy said, my guest list advice came in the form of, "invite only people you think will still be important to you in five years." Really helped cut down on the people who were only on the list for guilt-trip reasons. Good luck with your decision, Mimzy.

 

[allycat0303]

Honestly, I would invite neither. They don''t seem to be that good friends from what I hear, and have repeated rejected your efforts to mend fences. I think you have done mroe then enough, and I don''t think they are worth the price of a meal.

 

[KimberlyH]

I wouldn''t invite either one of them, but if you feel you must, invite them seperately as single guests.