Interrupting instead of listening

[CJ2008]

DH usually has a really hard time not interrupting me when we''re arguing. By arguing I don''t necessarily mean screaming - but just talking about something that pushes our buttons one way or another.

I''ve told him many times how I need him to just LISTEN, how if he interrupts me it really stops my flow/thinking and then I find it really hard to get back to what I was trying to say (aside from now being annoyed that he interrupted me) but more often than not he cannot do it.

He does try though, and he did it today - he really listened and let me talk and then I did the same for him. Needless to say I felt heard and great about how it went - but then he said how even though he knows the whole idea of listening w/o interrupting, he finds it really frustrating that I''ll say something in passing that isn''t right or accurate or that he wants to touch on or whatever and then he will forget by the time it''s his turn. That it''s working great for me but not for him.

I was going to ask you guys how you deal with this - because I want to be able to communicate in a way that works for both of us...I want to be fair and find some workaround. But at the same time, it just dawned on me that if he''s focusing in trying to remember to correct me on a b or c he''s kind of missing the point of listening with the purpose of really trying to UNDERSTAND isn''t he?

Anyway - do u guys run into this and what do u do?

 

[Richard Sherwood]

I usually just shoot em.

 

[CJ2008]

hahaha I''ve thought about that,

I was hoping for some NON-violent ideas!

 

[Richard Sherwood]

There's a difference between someone who is REALLY listening to you and interrupts than a person is ISN'T really listening to you and interrupts.

The first is a person who is impatient, the second is a person who is controlling.

If your boyfriend (husband?) falls in the first category, there is hope. It's possible for him to learn patience and restraint. Perhaps you can ask him to jot down (or remember) the points he wants to comment on later.

If your boyfriend falls in the second category, there is little hope. Controlling people usually don't change. In fact, unless they have a dramatic spiritual experience or near death experience (another brand of spiritual experience), they usually just get worse with age.

If in fact you suspect your boyfriend of falling in this second category, I would suggest you read "Controlling People. How to recognize, understand & deal with them." An outstanding book. If your boyfriend is controlling, you will recognize his characteristics as you read the book.

 

[strmrdr]

hand him a notepad and tell him ya is gonna rant and he can take notes so he can get his counter rant right.

 

[phoenixgirl]

How often can you be making inaccurate statements? That sounds more like a rationalization than a valid excuse.

 

[CJ2008]

Thanks for the input guys...

Rich - He''s got some control issues - no more than I do though haha I think it''s a classic case of miscommunication and not feeling understood - I know we''re both right - I think he finds it hard to LISTEN rather than trying to prove to me that he''s right. Do I want to do that also? Sure - if I don''t carefully control myself as he''s talking I can come up with all kinds of reasons why he''s wrong - but I know that''s not the point of listening.

I love the book suggestion though and will read it just because it''s good to know how to deal with controlling people - although I''m afraid to see how much of myself I''ll see in there!

Strm - I laughed outloud - not too bad of an idea in a way - it''s almost like I would be EMBRACING his tendency to do that which might actually cause him to LISTEN more.

Phoenix - by "inaccurate" I mean how I FEEL about something, my PERCEPTION of something - he would have to put myself in MY shoes and UNDERSTAND rather than trying to prove why I''m WRONG because I should know him by now, etc., etc. Classic case of just accepting and trying to understand rather than trying to be right...

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 5/25/2009 12:22:08 PM
Author: CJ2008

Phoenix - by 'inaccurate' I mean how I FEEL about something,

discussing feelings with any guy is a losing battle.
Try logic and shock him

or just tell him how to fix it and put him outta his misery.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Date: 5/25/2009 12:22:08 PM
Author: CJ2008
Thanks for the input guys...

Rich - He''s got some control issues - no more than I do though haha...

Don''t feel bad, you''re in good company. 90%+ of the population is controlling to one degree or another.

It''s based in insecurity. An insecure person wants to control the world around them, so they feel safe and secure. They want others to think like them, agree with them. They have a real hard time letting others have their own beliefs and opinions.

Most controlling people have no idea that they are. They think they are just fine, and everybody else is the problem. Additionally controllers tend to attract other controllers. They''re drawn to each other by the energy they put out. An aggressive controller with a passive controller is a classic combination.

An extreme controller can be a very oppressive person to be around (I''m not saying your boyfriend/husband is). They can make life absolutely miserable for their loved ones, who often develop a "hostage" mentality and have a very difficult time breaking free.

In order to break it and grow out of it a person first has to realize that they are so. That book I mentioned is excellent for this. Controlling people and those they control are like in a "spell". It often takes a book like I mentioned or another aware individual to break that spell.

Sorry to go on about it. I grew up in a family of controllers, and was controlling myself till about the age of 40. Once I recognized it and broke out of it, my life changed soooooo much for the better, in every respect.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 5/24/2009 3:42:29 AM
Author: strmrdr
hand him a notepad and tell him ya is gonna rant and he can take notes so he can get his counter rant right.

Seriously, though, can you both take notes while the other one is talking, and then go through each issue one-by-one?

 

[CJ2008]

Sorry I haven''t been back to this thread...and thanks for the input and suggestions, guys...

Richard - how interesting that you were able to change yourself. I think that''s what it''s all about half the time - it all starts with being aware...

I feel pretty lucky - I think we both have our control issues and we butt heads, but he''s always willing to listen and try my goofy ideas for how to improve the way we communicate and understand each other...and I try to give him a break once in a while, and remember he''s a guy

Maybe I need to do that more often.

strmrdr and mscushion - a way to count the rants sounds so funny - I might just try that! haha

Thanks again!

 

[atroop711]

oh my hubby is the king of this. He can''t allow me to make my point. I have to tell him WOULD YOU STOP AND JUST LISTEN? YOU MAY ACTUALLY HEAR MY POINT! He is very hard headed and hates to be wrong but as he knows, I will not argue when I know I''m wrong..I just admit if I''m wrong...so if I have a point to make it usually is valid. I told him yrs ago that he loves to hear himself talk. He didn''t like that

 

[Erin]

I''ve found that people who get upset about being interrupted tend to go on and on and on and on and need a little interrupting

 

[CJ2008]

atroop - probably a pretty common thing among couples, maybe even among friends...

starset - that may be true of me sometimes - but he can go on and on too!