Wedding Interesting Dear Abby

[luckystar112]

Did I read this somewhere? This story seems so familiar.
Anyway, I was a little surprised at her answer, even though it makes sense.

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DEAR ABBY: My 35-year-old sister is soon to be married for the first time and has planned an elaborate affair. She has many friends, business associates and family members to invite. Because of the expense, she is not inviting the "younger" generation.
When I called to respond to her invitation, I explained that I will be attending, but my wife -- due to health issues -- will not be able to come. I told her I would like to substitute our only teenage daughter. My sister''s response? She told me she has so many people to invite that she has a waiting list, and she''ll substitute someone from that list!

This seems rude to me. Have you ever heard of a waiting list? -- MIFFED IN SAN JOSE

DEAR MIFFED: As a matter of fact, I have. It''s sometimes called a "B" list. When a wedding invitation is issued, the rules of etiquette dictate that only those people whose names are on the invitation are invited. While I understand your desire to take your daughter, you committed a breach of etiquette in asking to make a substitution. Because your sister had decided not to include the younger generation, your daughter''s presence could cause problems for her with other members of the family.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

You would think since it''s the brides brother and the girl is almost a grown up in her own right that they should let her come, it''s not like asking to bring a 8 year old. imho i don''t think dear abby always gets it right....

 

[neatfreak]

Abby is very right. Unless it says a general "and guest" only the people whose names are listed on the invite are invited...

 

[Smurfysmiles]

hmm, i guess in our family we would definitely allow it
but thats just us

 

[kittybean]

Date: 10/2/2008 8:53:45 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
hmm, i guess in our family we would definitely allow it

but thats just us

In my family, the daughter would be welcome, too. Heck, she would have been invited in the first place. Technically, though, Abby''s right. Only the people on the invitation are invited. I think asking for a "substitution" was fine, but it was the bride''s prerogative to say that the daughter was not invited, and, however odd it might seem, the guy should respect that.

We also have no idea what the teenage daughter is like. The bride might have a very good reason why she didn''t want the "younger generation" there. In my family, there are some poorly-disciplined, constantly misbehaving children who have grown into even more difficult teenagers; they''ll be invited to my wedding because they''re family, but we''re all praying that they either shape up or don''t come. It would''ve been easier to exclude everyone under the age of 18 so we''d avoid dealing with these kids, but I felt that would be unfair to the well-mannered teenagers in the family. This bride could have gone for the "adults only" option with very good reasons to do so.

 

[Blair138]

I think Abby is right as well, and while I AM inviting the young ones (there are not that many), I had a friend who just recently married who ran into this problem. The issue with allowing one ''younger'' guest to come is that it creates hurt feelings of other guests who were told that they couldn''t bring their children. Basically, if you invite one you invite all or none at all.

 

[Hera]

I don''t know how I''d feel as a guest if that happened to me. If there''s no consideration for my comfort and happiness while attending then I wouldn''t go. What am I supposed to do? Go and sit by myself at a table? Awkward!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 10/2/2008 11:47:29 PM
Author: heraanderson
I don''t know how I''d feel as a guest if that happened to me. If there''s no consideration for my comfort and happiness while attending then I wouldn''t go. What am I supposed to do? Go and sit by myself at a table? Awkward!

Touche, my thoughts exactly

 

[swingirl]

Abby is going by etiquette which is specific when it comes to the wording on invitations and what it all means. I think it was acceptable for the man to ask and since he would not have known how tight the guest list was or the "generation" thing. But it does put the bride on the spot to have to say no so I guess that was the rude part.

However, most families would have made an exception figuring the daughter would represent the ill mother and been able to pass along some details to her mom about the wedding that women seem to enjoy way more that men. Imagine asking your husband to fill you in on what the bride looked like, was the dress white or ecru, what kind of flowers, who came, what did THEY wear, how many bridesmaids, you get the picture!

 

[Hera]

real post below

 

[Hera]

Date: 10/3/2008 12:41:43 AM
Author: swingirl
Abby is going by etiquette which is specific when it comes to the wording on invitations and what it all means. I think it was acceptable for the man to ask and since he would not have known how tight the guest list was or the ''generation'' thing. But it does put the bride on the spot to have to say no so I guess that was the rude part.

However, most families would have made an exception figuring the daughter would represent the ill mother and been able to pass along some details to her mom about the wedding that women seem to enjoy way more that men. Imagine asking your husband to fill you in on what the bride looked like, was the dress white or ecru, what kind of flowers, who came, what did THEY wear, how many bridesmaids, you get the picture!

I think etiquette should guide you, but really people should have minds of their own. A wedding isn''t a business transaction, it is a party celebrating a special intimate event in a persons life. Whether it''s a dinner party or a get together, a host should be considerate that their guests are comfortable. That comes before "etiquette".

 

[Hera]

edited wrong post

 

[swingirl]

Date: 10/3/2008 12:51:06 AM
Author: heraanderson

Date: 10/3/2008 12:41:43 AM

Author: swingirl

Abby is going by etiquette which is specific when it comes to the wording on invitations and what it all means. I think it was acceptable for the man to ask and since he would not have known how tight the guest list was or the 'generation' thing. But it does put the bride on the spot to have to say no so I guess that was the rude part.


However, most families would have made an exception figuring the daughter would represent the ill mother and been able to pass along some details to her mom about the wedding that women seem to enjoy way more that men. Imagine asking your husband to fill you in on what the bride looked like, was the dress white or ecru, what kind of flowers, who came, what did THEY wear, how many bridesmaids, you get the picture!

I think etiquette should guide you, but really people should have minds of their own. A wedding isn't a business transaction, it is a party celebrating a special intimate event in a persons life. Whether it's a dinner party or a get together, a host should be considerate that their guests are comfortable. That comes before 'etiquette'.

Etiquette is just the rules for politeness. Everyone has the right to throw them out the window if they choose and make exceptions. But it would be the bride's prerogative and she may be a very formal person who wouldn't break her own rule. And had a very long B list!

 

[robbie3982]

Date: 10/2/2008 11:47:29 PM
Author: heraanderson
I don''t know how I''d feel as a guest if that happened to me. If there''s no consideration for my comfort and happiness while attending then I wouldn''t go. What am I supposed to do? Go and sit by myself at a table? Awkward!

If he''s the brother of the bride, half of the family members there will be his own family members so it''s not like he wouldn''t know anyone.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 10/2/2008 11:47:29 PM
Author: heraanderson
I don't know how I'd feel as a guest if that happened to me. If there's no consideration for my comfort and happiness while attending then I wouldn't go. What am I supposed to do? Go and sit by myself at a table? Awkward!

Er, funnily enough most grown-ups are able to do this and even have a fun time.

Certainly at my wedding I assumed all my single guests owned a pair of big girl pants!

Abby is completely correct. If you can't face meeting half your own relatives without a side-kick then that is not the bride's problem.

The girl may have 5 brothers and sisters each with 4 kids - that adds up to a heck of a lot of extra guests. If she only has the one brother I would think it a bit suprising that she wasn't inviting immediate family of siblings.

 

[Bia]

I suppose each family is different (mine certainly is) but this is wrong in my opinion. I don''t care if its proper etiquette or not (I personally do not agree that this is proper etiquette). Especially since its HIS SISTER! I could maybe (MAYBE) understand if it were a distant relative or friend but certainly not a sibling.

Abby got it twisted with this one, IMHO.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 10/2/2008 11:47:29 PM
Author: heraanderson
I don''t know how I''d feel as a guest if that happened to me. If there''s no consideration for my comfort and happiness while attending then I wouldn''t go. What am I supposed to do? Go and sit by myself at a table? Awkward!

I would also agree with that IF this wasn''t his sister''s wedding. But its his sister so he will know everyone there.

I think that in weddings when you make a rule, you need to stick to it. If you say no children, then that means no children...even if that excludes your brother''s child from being invited.