Wow, I don't know what's more disturbing, your post, or the fact that not one single person responded... I'm really sorry you're feeling so badly. Obviously I don't know your story/background, but one of the beauties of life is that we have the ability to change it, at any given moment. Some ways more permanent than others....
You can certainly see where you are going wrong in some areas, so change them. Do what's right, do the better thing. And feel the difference.
Thank you, Ellen. Yes, we do. And technically we should try, but this try consists of miniscule decisions that you make every moment of your life, and this is what is difficult to do.