I'm fuming about a lost pendant

[ForteKitty]

He sounds like a typical guy -- especially given that he was drunk and honestly didn't remember.

Personally, my concern would be the drinking. Even if it is "only" a few times and "only" at weddings of old college buddies, to me it shows lack of judgement and self-control. He knows (as do you) that alcohol affects him more quickly so he should have stopped well before that point. The justifying it by saying the grooms "wanted to get their money's worth" or "the groom MADE everyone" leaves me concerned -- NO ONE can MAKE you do anything... I am of course assuming he wasn't tied down with the groom physically pouring the alcohol into him.


You seem quite willing to join in with his group of college buddies for some good-natured teasing (which is great!) BUT you seem to want everything to remain good-natured and within reason. His willingness to drink to the point of not remembering means that he goes past reasonable and into not okay. Whether it is a medical condition (like his liver) or not, he needs to learn to drink responsibly so he doesn't go past that point.

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He didn't say the groom made him drink "to get his money's worth". Just wanted to clarify. Those were our friends' words. I do think he felt pressured to drink because i was drinking a lot, and it's embarassing if your gf can handle it and you cant...

 

[ForteKitty]

He just caught up on this thread, and is really sad because he can't believe people would judge him so harshly based on one incident. I told him you guys dont mess around. He also wants you guys to know that neither of us are as bad as we appear... guess when you only hear about one thing, it's easy to judge.

His friend and fiancee also read this, and wanted to point out that SHE was the one who used the C word first. And my bf just threw it back at her in jest, and they have no hard feelings because well, she used it first. I missed that part. Maybe i have partial memory loss too...

Now that i'm back from my laser hair appt, i have time to address different people! Btw, if anyone is considering it for their underarms or bikini, DO IT! I'm two treatments in and nothing is growing back. It's amazing.

He sounds like a typical guy -- especially given that he was drunk and honestly didn't remember.

Personally, my concern would be the drinking. Even if it is "only" a few times and "only" at weddings of old college buddies, to me it shows lack of judgement and self-control. He knows (as do you) that alcohol affects him more quickly so he should have stopped well before that point.

You seem quite willing to join in with his group of college buddies for some good-natured teasing (which is great!) BUT you seem to want everything to remain good-natured and within reason. His willingness to drink to the point of not remembering means that he goes past reasonable and into not okay. Whether it is a medical condition (like his liver) or not, he needs to learn to drink responsibly so he doesn't go past that point.

FWIW, I'd be humiliated and if my FI used a word like that in ANY setting. His behavior/choice-of-words/etc reflects on you just as yours reflects on him.

Don't give up on him just yet though. It sounds like you're really happy together otherwise. I think it really is worth your time to talk with him and work on this issue together.

To the bolded parts, and i took out some because i'll be quoting multiple ppl and it'll get to be a huge post, I completely agree. The only thing is, up till this past weekend, he hadn't accepted that his alcohol tolerance has gone wayyy down. He knows now.

I should add that I'm extremely sensitive to people drinking alcohol. I have 1/2 a glass of wine every night with dinner. B has 1 to 1 1/2 glasses every night with dinner. I cook with it. So, I'm not against alcohol -- I just am super concerned when someone drinks "for the fun of it" or "to take the edge off" or "everyone else was drinking too" or any of the other things you hear so often from people.
(Can you tell I was raised by alcoholics? )

Part of the reason I love PS is that the people on here are real. We've all had our experiences (good and bad) in life and those experiences come through in the help/comfort/advice/chit-chat. In a way, I think that is really a good thing and actually makes for more balanced/realistic discussions!

I'm sensitive about alcohol-related issues too. that's why I was upset.

Hm. I would have been pissed, too, for just the reason you were; I value my things, and I hate it when people try to pass the buck on blame. I'm glad they found your pendant, and I'm glad you made up ... but more than that, I'm glad he's getting his liver tested. There is something distinctly "off" about a fully grown man getting drunk enough to have memory gaps and a hangover off of what you describe. If he's generally a good guy, I'd chalk it up to, worst case scenario, a health issue indicating he shouldn't drink, or, best case scenario, an indication that he needs to drink less, eat food with liquor, etc. - basically, act like a grown-up.

The use of the c-word doesn't bother me much, though I'll abbreviate it out of deference to other people's finer feelings: I happen to think it's a better word for its purpose than almost any other word out there. There's no equivalent for our common term for male genitalia beginning with a D that shares the same ability to indicate both bad behavior and a kind of weird authority/strength/admirability. I don't have much in common with canines, regardless of gender, while I AM a cat person, the common nickname that they share with the female nether regions connotes weakness, and what does that leave us with? The C word, or possibly the T word, which I know some people find even more offensive.

I remember reading an essay in some men's magazine a few years ago, written from a male perspective about using one of those words on his GF - can't remember which. He called it a power word, something a woman simply couldn't counter, because there was nothing in the English language that was quite as nasty when applied to a man. I think that was the point when I sorta decided to reclaim it. Inga Muscio has a good, if faintly twee, book on the topic, titled (surprise!) "C*nt."

But anyway, getting back to the topic at hand: I'm getting almost a tone of chagrin from your posts, like you feel you'll be losing face if you don't dump him - because he behaved badly, because you've been together so long, something. I'm a recovering commitmentphobe myself, so I know the feeling. But since it seems like you love the guy ... maybe a few sessions of couple counseling to hash out the issues couldn't hurt? I mean, even if you don't believe in marriage, if you wind up being with the guy for ten or twenty years, better for you (and your jewelry collection!) if you resolve issues like these right off the bat.

Circe, you seem to get exactly what i've been trying to say, and managed to put it eloquently. THANK YOU for not focusing on my few sarcastic humor attemps. Totally agree w/ bolded parts. But what is the T word? t*t? people are offended by that one?

And you're so right about that essay, there really isn't anything we can use to counter it. But i have heard it used against men (by women), so maybe it's becoming a dual gendered word like the P word? I know a lot of guys call each other that all the time.

Again, thank you for understanding.

I showed this thread to the guys I work with in the office (ages range from 25 to 42), and the GUYs opinion unanimously was it's time for the BF to find a new GF. They thought the trips to Hawaii, Florida and Vegas may be prime places to find the GF. My thoughts of course were he should buy you many many more well cut stones.

Reading this I'd have to agree with the guys on this one. Accidents happen and people are human. I personally spent far too much of my relationship with a mentality like this and it's stressful. I also learned that treating DH like that will only lead to MORE lies because he's scared out of his mind that he'll upset me again. My 2cents is just breathe, be so happy it was found, and move on.

I DO feel bad, i feel like i'm mentally abusing him or something.

A question for you, ForteKitty. Have you made it crystal clear to him that that type of behavior is a no- go for you?

Everyone has certain actions or words that are deal breakers or at least very severe compared to others. The type of attitude that you describe is something most would have an issue with but for some it is a deal breaker while others just don't approve. If you are the first person in his life (that is close to him) that finds these behaviors deal breakers then unless you make that clear to him, several times, he is not going to get it.

Take the C-word, in the context you described I would not like it, but it would not really be an issue. Meanwhile for some others in this thread it would be a deal breaker. Most people have different deal breakers and nobody is perfect so unless you communicate and respect each others boundaries you will be left with either acting the doormat or breaking up.

It is great that you realize that you are a bit of a commitment phobe. That combined with your friends divorces are probably making you look for reasons to break up. So the first question is, do you want to live without him, not considering the actions of that weekend?

Second question, Do you trust yourself enough to trust him?

You are not a doormat and that aspect of your personality is not liable to change. But excuse me if I am bold, you do not seem to trust yourself enough to know that you will never accept being treated like a doormat.

I know that I am never going to allow myself to be put in the position of being a doormat or to be abused. My trust in myself allows me to then look at my relationship and the person that I love and trust in that because I know that I will never accept being treated badly. I was psychologically abused so I now recognize the signals and I know that I will never allow a partner to do that to me. By trusting in that and in my own strength I can trust another person and allow them to become part of my well being.

Independently if this is the man for you or not, learning to trust in yourself and to communicate will always benefit you.

Sheesh I sound a bit like a pratt

Now that I know that she used it on him first, it really bothers me a lot less. It doesn't bother me when a female uses the C word, but coming out of a male's mouth, it just seems more... mean. He knows now that i dont like HIM using that word.

Regarding trust, I do trust him. He laughs about the doormat comment because he feels like our gender roles are reversed, so if anyone is going to be a doormat, it's him and not me. I felt really sad about that because i dont want to step on him either.

You're not a pratt, i appreciate your honesty.

I probably shouldn't comment on this thread because it isn't going to really serve much purpose - your relationship is truly none of my business. That said, every time my husband and I get into an argument, we stop and ask each other: Is reason X more important or our relationship? And you know what, even a 1.5 ct diamond isn't as important to me as my relationship with him.

In your case, it appears as though your 4ct gemstone is more important. So be it. You also mention that you wouldn't want to break up with him now because you have four trips lined up and don't want to lose your money on airfare. I think that speaks loud and clear as to where this relationship stands for you.

Also, have you considered that he might have lied about knocking over your purse because a) it's not a big deal and b) he realized you probably would go bat-shit crazy on him.

I just hope your bf realizes where he stands as well. I'd hate for him to realize he was the one with the blinders on all this while.

kama, he said your post stung the most because he knows I'm not the person you're describing. I told him it's easy to make that assumption if you dont know me personally, because i do joke about stuff like that and it really comes across the wrong way in writing. while he knows i'm joking, you and everyone else dont.
He also said that he'll take bat-shit crazy over silent seething, because at least he can keep me talking.

So if you managed to make it thru all of this, thank you all, and i really really do appreciate all the time you guys put into this. Hope i got all the quotes right or else there's gonna be a huge jumbled mess...

 

[zoebartlett]

I'm joining this thread wayyyyy late and I just started reading, but I have to say that I think you're REALLY overreacting. Your boyfriend accidentally knocked your purse over, your pendant was found, problem solved. I don't get it...

Going to continue reading now.

 

[ForteKitty]

I'm joining this thread wayyyyy late and I just started reading, but I have to say that I think you're REALLY overreacting. Your boyfriend accidentally knocked your purse over, your pendant was found, problem solved. I don't get it...

Going to continue reading now.

haha a lot has developed since the initial purse thing. that's over and done with. let me know wht you think after you finish reading my saga.

 

[Circe]

Hm. I would have been pissed, too, for just the reason you were; I value my things, and I hate it when people try to pass the buck on blame. I'm glad they found your pendant, and I'm glad you made up ... but more than that, I'm glad he's getting his liver tested. There is something distinctly "off" about a fully grown man getting drunk enough to have memory gaps and a hangover off of what you describe. If he's generally a good guy, I'd chalk it up to, worst case scenario, a health issue indicating he shouldn't drink, or, best case scenario, an indication that he needs to drink less, eat food with liquor, etc. - basically, act like a grown-up.

The use of the c-word doesn't bother me much, though I'll abbreviate it out of deference to other people's finer feelings: I happen to think it's a better word for its purpose than almost any other word out there. There's no equivalent for our common term for male genitalia beginning with a D that shares the same ability to indicate both bad behavior and a kind of weird authority/strength/admirability. I don't have much in common with canines, regardless of gender, while I AM a cat person, the common nickname that they share with the female nether regions connotes weakness, and what does that leave us with? The C word, or possibly the T word, which I know some people find even more offensive.

I remember reading an essay in some men's magazine a few years ago, written from a male perspective about using one of those words on his GF - can't remember which. He called it a power word, something a woman simply couldn't counter, because there was nothing in the English language that was quite as nasty when applied to a man. I think that was the point when I sorta decided to reclaim it. Inga Muscio has a good, if faintly twee, book on the topic, titled (surprise!) "C*nt."

But anyway, getting back to the topic at hand: I'm getting almost a tone of chagrin from your posts, like you feel you'll be losing face if you don't dump him - because he behaved badly, because you've been together so long, something. I'm a recovering commitmentphobe myself, so I know the feeling. But since it seems like you love the guy ... maybe a few sessions of couple counseling to hash out the issues couldn't hurt? I mean, even if you don't believe in marriage, if you wind up being with the guy for ten or twenty years, better for you (and your jewelry collection!) if you resolve issues like these right off the bat.

Circe, you seem to get exactly what i've been trying to say, and managed to put it eloquently. THANK YOU for not focusing on my few sarcastic humor attemps. Totally agree w/ bolded parts. But what is the T word? t*t? people are offended by that one?

And you're so right about that essay, there really isn't anything we can use to counter it. But i have heard it used against men (by women), so maybe it's becoming a dual gendered word like the P word? I know a lot of guys call each other that all the time.

Again, thank you for understanding.

Hey, I'm hella sarcastic, too - and more than once, I've had it fall flat in correspondence. Now I use the damned smilies, but I always feel sheepish about it ....

The T word is twit with a different vowel, and a number of women of my acquaintance have reacted with shock and horror at its usage. So, I figured I'd filter.

I don't think either of the terms is dual-gendered, sadly: I think they're used on men the same way "bitch" is used on men. Use that word on a chick, and you're usually calling her aggressive, strong, a ball-buster, a pain in the ass. Use it on a man, and you're calling him a woman - weak, submissive, and belonging to somebody stronger (i.e., "prison bitch). When women use those terms for dudes, I always sort of assume that either, a) they have a lot of internalized self-hatred going on, or, b) they're British (as there's a veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery long history of both usages there).

Given that your BF is reading along (hi, FK's BF!), I'm thinking y'all are well on the way to reconciliation: you communicate well, you're trying to see one another's points of view, etc. That's the important stuff, once you're past the heat of the moment ....

 

[iugurl]

I think you way, way overreacted. Try to think of his side, please.

Let's imagine it was reversed. YOU knocked over his bag, something of HIS rolled under a dresser and was temporarily "lost." How would you feel if he honestly considered breaking up with you? Over a material item? You were dead asleep, and knocked over his bag. Maybe you remember, maybe you didn't initially. Maybe you were scared to death of upsetting your boyfriend. Clearly you have a reason to fear him, as he threatened to end your whole relationship over this lost item. You suggest that maybe the item wasn't even in the bag to begin with. That is a reasonable theory. Maybe he left it on the nightstand or somewhere else. That sets him off into a FURY. Then he mentions the wedding, some guy named "B" called himself a d**k, and you agreed, saying yeah B, you are a d**K sometimes, but you were just playing around repeating something HE said. (I can't think of a true equivalent) You were drinking a little bit and normally wouldn't say that word. However, your boyfriend thinks that you are a jerk and enjoy demeaning men. Now you are a liar, don't respect men, and don't respect his possessions or your relationship...

I pretty much guarantee all of the posters on here would advise you to break up with him. This fictional guys sounds manipulative, controlling, perhaps mentally abusive...

I can't tell you how hurt I would be if my DH acted that way over something. I can't remember anything. I could be your boyfriend. I could have knocked over something and not really think about it. If my DH freaked out about something missing the way you did, I would pray to god that maybe he left it somewhere else, and that I didn't lose it. I would probably suggest that maybe you left it on the nightstand, dresser, bathroom counter, anywhere. If he threatened to leave me over it, wow, I would be so hurt. I can't imagine.

I do lose things ALL OF THE TIME. It is a curse . I rush around the house looking for it. If I thought DH had it last, I would ask him where he put it. If he said that I had it last, not him, I would not leave him or consider leaving him. If he suggested I left it here or there, I might be irritated. Especially if I found it somewhere that proved he did have it last. But again, i wouldn't think about leaving him. Things like this happen. I think that if something this minor makes you want to leave him, then maybe you should. I know if I were him, I would end things. I couldn't live with the fear everyday of being dumped over such small, stupid things.

ETA: I normally don't comment on such posts. I don't want to come off as judgmental. You asked for opinions, so here is mine. I don't mean to offend you or your boyfriend. I tried not to word things in a mean way. Please don't take offense. This is just my opinion. I know nothing about you or your relationship, except what is posted.

 

[Hera]

Well, it sounds like you're aware of it so now you should try to overcome it. You'll have a lot of heartache in your relationships not to mention any future marriage if you aren't able to find conflict resolution, which is one of the most important parts of a successful marriage. You may want to find individual counseling to work out these issues.

I dont plan on marrying. I never wanted kids, so don't really see the point of marriage. (for me, personally, not anyone else!) And i can't say i've really suffered heartache either besides my stupid teen years. i think i've become somewhat emotionally vacant and guarded when it comes to people, so i haven't gotten hurt much since college. (dont i sound like such a joy to be around? I think my energy sucking friends and all their problems have bled me dry. how can two couples have so many problems? and why wont they just leave??) Seems i have no tolerance to anything or anyone in real life recently. I cringe when my phone rings and i know it's time to console a crying friend. it IS affecting my own relationship, because i sometimes wonder if he's capable of doing the same things. He says it's not fair, and i know he's right. people just annoy me. period.

But when it comes to my pets, i'm totally different. I adore them, they make me so happy, esp my little half siamese that's missing a foot. he's the sunshine of my life. I dont mind being the crazy old cat lady w/ a bunch of gems.

Ultimately, in 30 years or so, when my mind or body starts to fail, and after i've travelled around the world, i have plans to end things. Dont think i'd want an old partner witness any of it... that would be too sad. I watched my grandpa lose it when my grandma was sick. They have been married 60 years, and he couldn't fathom life without her, Cried for weeks. She's better now, but if she ever gets sick again, i dont know what he'd do. But if i were to be selfish, i'd wanna go like the lady in the pixar movie, "Up"... i bawled my eyes out in the first scene. I do NOT want to be the one left behind. Sign me up to go first!

It does sound like you want to guard yourself or protect yourself from getting hurt but it's no way to live! I had similar issues and it was really hard to get close to people but but ever since I started working on my issues, I have put myself more out there. Of course we don't want to encounter the pain of losing someone after 60 years, but if you think about what people like your grandparents have shared, you can count on it that they would do it all over again. I still encourage you to seek individual counseling and work on some of these issues.

 

[yiska]

I think you way, way overreacted. Try to think of his side, please.

Let's imagine it was reversed. YOU knocked over his bag, something of HIS rolled under a dresser and was temporarily "lost." How would you feel if he honestly considered breaking up with you? Over a material item?

I agree with 100% I think you are seriously seriously overreacting. I actually feel quite sorry for your BF.

 

[VRBeauty]

I agree with heranderson - you seem to have a lot of walls up to protect you from intimacy and getting hurt. If that's the way you want to live, I guess it's your business as long as you're honest with yourself and the people who get close enough to you to be hurt by your defense mechanisms. This advice comes from someone who has been on both sides of these walls - you should be aware that those defense systems are going to affect every aspect of your life, not just "intimate" relationships... and that you won't be able to just "turn them off" on command, if you meet someone that you do want to allow in.