I'm fuming about a lost pendant

[gemgaga]

Yes, you're fuming - but I don't really think it is about a lost pendant....

The reaction seems disproportionate to the crime.

 

[ForteKitty]

does it make a difference if it's a 4.75ct namibian spess garnet?

 

[y2kitty]

Did it chip? Did you get it back yet? Where can I see pictures of it?

 

[Arcadian]

wow, what HAVE I been missing lately??

My husband says I'm mad at him 4 days out of 7. Now thats not true...most weeks. lol

I can understand you being upset, but I think that maybe your upset less about the stone falling and more about him doing things and then not remembering.

Maybe its time for a talk about these things.

-A

 

[ooo~Shiney!]

wow, what HAVE I been missing lately??

My husband says I'm mad at him 4 days out of 7. Now thats not true...most weeks. lol

I can understand you being upset, but I think that maybe your upset less about the stone falling and more about him doing things and then not remembering.

Maybe its time for a talk about these things.

-A

That's good if it works for you !!!!

Women like to talk, men hear "buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
Trust me, I have a DH and 4 sons (youngest 19 years), and it's one of my sons that actually told me the above,
and I believe him

 

[Arcadian]

wow, what HAVE I been missing lately??

My husband says I'm mad at him 4 days out of 7. Now thats not true...most weeks. lol

I can understand you being upset, but I think that maybe your upset less about the stone falling and more about him doing things and then not remembering.

Maybe its time for a talk about these things.

-A

That's good if it works for you !!!!

Women like to talk, men hear "buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
Trust me, I have a DH and 4 sons (youngest 19 years), and it's one of my sons that actually told me the above,
and I believe him

I think that true sometimes, But I also feel its dependent on the woman and how she reacts to that man. I tend to get results in that area because I don't yell, screech, scream, or do the things males generally expect from a woman. The madder I get, the lower my voice. I get straight up hard with it too.

I will say that I'm used to my husband forgetting some things. I tell him its ok because he's getting old. Because he's got a few years on me, it burns a bit


But on a more serious note. I've never had my husband not take me serious when I told him we had something to talk about, but thats how we are.

I think the approach has to be right, and if the man is receptive and loves his woman, then he'll be willing to listen and work out the issue. If not, well, you know where that goes.



-A

 

[ForteKitty]

hmm.. why is this still in CS? i did request for it to be moved.

The pendant is back with me, looks to be safe. Gotta say, JW desert ridge is amazing. They overnighted it to me, and it was nicely packeged. Gonna get it checked out this weekend. the chain is slightly mangled so i suspect it might have been stepped on. think it needs a new setting since the chain is attached. I'll take pics of it after it's confirmed that its' okay. Although i do wonder if they thought it was costume jewelry instead because it's a gemstone?

I got over being mad yesterday. i'm usually a walk-away-er. Sometimes it's just not worth the effort. I'll walk away from a 5 yr relationship over a cupcake. (haha, kidding!) Apparently i'm stubborn as a mule (or is it a jackass?) eta: Arcadian, i'm a quiet mad person too. if i stop talking, just walk away. I may not talk, but i'll keep typing, haha.

We talked about his not remembering certain things when drunk... and he says he just doesn't remember saying that to his friend's fiancee. He even texted his friend to ask if it happened, and to apologize if he did say it. While talking, i realized i was more embarassed than mad that he called her a C. As if his language made me look bad. which it doesn't, and shouldn't really matter since they're his college friends and they all live far far away. When i admitted that, he said that I, too, use some pretty colorful sailor language... but at least i remember!

So lesson learned: i might have a problem with "losing face". i dont like being embarassed. wow, this is theraputic.

He's still not off the chain tho. (chain, haha... considering he probably stepped on my chain, he owes me. so he's sort on the chain... god i'm lame) I suspect his liver is shot and his age is catching up, so off to the Dr. he goes. Yes, it does embarass me when my bf gets drunk before me. I admit it.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Now, knowing the full story, what do you think?

I think i need a new BF. Hawaii might be a good place to start.

FK
i think you should dump him. when are we going to Hawaii??...

 

[Hera]

It sounds like an honest mistake, but I think you should really reevaluate your relationship if you were really serious about breaking up with your boyfriend over knocking over your purse. While I can imagine your frustration, I also think you should have given him the benefit of the doubt especially if he wasn't aware of the pendant being in your purse.
As far as the alcohol situation, I think I would be cautious. It was a pretty awful word to call someone so I think I would have been angry about his name calling. I don't think it has anything to do with his liver. Many people drink a lot of alcohol in college and it usually doesn't lead to livelong complications.

 

[monarch64]

FK--having read (most) of this thread and feeling like I have the entire story from you, I have to say this:

Any person who ever uses the "c" word ('cunt' for anyone who couldn't figure it out, mods feel free to censor me but this is an important part of the context of this entire thread) is classless for one, and disgusting, secondly. What a horrible word to use, whether sober or drunk, or anywhere in between, it is a very demeaning term to use and one that well-bred people just. don't. use. My father would never say it, nor would my mother or anyone to whom I am closely related. Just disgusting and awful. In my opinion--get rid of him NOW.

My ex-husband used to like to throw the "c" word at me in the heat of an argument. A few years later he coupled using the term with spitting in my face, and then he moved on to using the term, spitting in my face after cornering me ( he was huge) and grabbing me by the throat and shoving me up against whatever wall was available. People who have no respect for their fellow human beings do those sorts of things, and they are not to be trusted from the very first time they utter something so disrespectful and repugnant as the "c" word.

Get rid of him, NOW. You deserve better.

 

[Dancing Fire]

i'd talk a lot when i'm drunk,but know exactly what i am saying. my problem is when i am sober i don't know what heck i'm talking about..

 

[ForteKitty]

monarch, i know you went thru a lot of crap, but my bf is not abusive. I have broken more things than he has, and believe me if he ever called me that, he'll end up with a shovel against his head.

When him and his college buddies get together they rag on each other all the time and call each other names while laughing, they think it's funny the way 10 yr olds think it's funny. He did not call this girl that name in an angry way, she joined in on the ragging and called him a d-bag, then an a-hole, so he called her a C. then they laughed. but i got mad. to say that will lead to physical abuse is a tad much.

eta: If anyone ever tries to harm me, I will shoot them. i dont care who it is.

 

[ForteKitty]

It sounds like an honest mistake, but I think you should really reevaluate your relationship if you were really serious about breaking up with your boyfriend over knocking over your purse.

I'm a commitment phobe. Walk away from everything. If anything goes wrong, my first reaction is to leave. Been told that my reactions are more like a guy since i just shut down and break away emotionally. it's really frustrating because the more space i need, the clingier he becomes. He's so afraid of doing something wrong it's annoying me right now. i feel like i'm emotionally abusing him or something.

 

[monarch64]

monarch, i know you went thru a lot of crap, but my bf is not abusive. I have broken more things than he has, and believe me if he ever called me that, he'll end up with a shovel against his head.

When him and his college buddies get together they rag on each other all the time and call each other names while laughing, they think it's funny the way 10 yr olds think it's funny. He did not call this girl that name in an angry way, she joined in on the ragging and called him a d-bag, then an a-hole, so he called her a C. then they laughed. but i got mad. to say that will lead to physical abuse is a tad much.

eta: If anyone ever tries to harm me, I will shoot them. i dont care who it is.

FK, omg, thank you for understanding first of all and recognizing my situation but I never meant to compare it to yours and I am in no way, shape or form thinking or saying that your SO is abusive. Not at all.

I tried to post my thoughts in such a way, in fact, so they would not be construed as me saying "OMG I've been abused here is my story and you shouldn't put up with this b.s."!!!!

Everyone has their own story. I wasn't trying to make yours a part of mine.

Thank you for reading, though...next time I respond I will try to be more objective as I have tried to do so throughout my own struggles.

FK, I wish you the best!

 

[Indylady]

The c**t comment has me .

That would be the cause of a break up for me.

 

[Hera]

It sounds like an honest mistake, but I think you should really reevaluate your relationship if you were really serious about breaking up with your boyfriend over knocking over your purse.

I'm a commitment phobe. Walk away from everything. If anything goes wrong, my first reaction is to leave. Been told that my reactions are more like a guy since i just shut down and break away emotionally. it's really frustrating because the more space i need, the clingier he becomes. He's so afraid of doing something wrong it's annoying me right now. i feel like i'm emotionally abusing him or something.

Well, it sounds like you're aware of it so now you should try to overcome it. You'll have a lot of heartache in your relationships not to mention any future marriage if you aren't able to find conflict resolution, which is one of the most important parts of a successful marriage. You may want to find individual counseling to work out these issues.

 

[monarch64]

It sounds like an honest mistake, but I think you should really reevaluate your relationship if you were really serious about breaking up with your boyfriend over knocking over your purse.

I'm a commitment phobe. Walk away from everything. If anything goes wrong, my first reaction is to leave. Been told that my reactions are more like a guy since i just shut down and break away emotionally. it's really frustrating because the more space i need, the clingier he becomes. He's so afraid of doing something wrong it's annoying me right now. i feel like i'm emotionally abusing him or something.

One more comment from me: I have been accused of both being a commitmentphobe as well as unapproachable in the past few years. Not a fun thing to hear yet there is a certain sense of pride there...

Walking away is sometimes healthy but in my experience (at the old effing age of 33) there comes a time when you just have to woman up and stick with something you care about whether it's what you think you want or not.

I could've walked away 50 times in the past 2 years. I'm sure you feel the same. I guess the difference between walking away and staying is that you are truly in love and at least 99% committed. That's something only you can answer obviously. I HAVE found that there is nothing wrong with walking away and not settling. It works well for all involved.

FK: didn't mean to offend you...I responded to your thread because I identified with it and felt myself relating to you. I have no authority aside from age and experience so don't listen to me...but I think you're awesome and hope the best for you. That is all!

 

[ForteKitty]

Well, it sounds like you're aware of it so now you should try to overcome it. You'll have a lot of heartache in your relationships not to mention any future marriage if you aren't able to find conflict resolution, which is one of the most important parts of a successful marriage. You may want to find individual counseling to work out these issues.

I dont plan on marrying. I never wanted kids, so don't really see the point of marriage. (for me, personally, not anyone else!) And i can't say i've really suffered heartache either besides my stupid teen years. i think i've become somewhat emotionally vacant and guarded when it comes to people, so i haven't gotten hurt much since college. (dont i sound like such a joy to be around? I think my energy sucking friends and all their problems have bled me dry. how can two couples have so many problems? and why wont they just leave??) Seems i have no tolerance to anything or anyone in real life recently. I cringe when my phone rings and i know it's time to console a crying friend. it IS affecting my own relationship, because i sometimes wonder if he's capable of doing the same things. He says it's not fair, and i know he's right. people just annoy me. period.

But when it comes to my pets, i'm totally different. I adore them, they make me so happy, esp my little half siamese that's missing a foot. he's the sunshine of my life. I dont mind being the crazy old cat lady w/ a bunch of gems.

Ultimately, in 30 years or so, when my mind or body starts to fail, and after i've travelled around the world, i have plans to end things. Dont think i'd want an old partner witness any of it... that would be too sad. I watched my grandpa lose it when my grandma was sick. They have been married 60 years, and he couldn't fathom life without her, Cried for weeks. She's better now, but if she ever gets sick again, i dont know what he'd do. But if i were to be selfish, i'd wanna go like the lady in the pixar movie, "Up"... i bawled my eyes out in the first scene. I do NOT want to be the one left behind. Sign me up to go first!

 

[monarch64]

Don't you want someone behind to tell how awesome you were, though???

 

[ForteKitty]

One more comment from me: I have been accused of both being a commitmentphobe as well as unapproachable in the past few years. Not a fun thing to hear yet there is a certain sense of pride there...

Walking away is sometimes healthy but in my experience (at the old effing age of 33) there comes a time when you just have to woman up and stick with something you care about whether it's what you think you want or not.

I could've walked away 50 times in the past 2 years. I'm sure you feel the same. I guess the difference between walking away and staying is that you are truly in love and at least 99% committed. That's something only you can answer obviously. I HAVE found that there is nothing wrong with walking away and not settling. It works well for all involved.

FK: didn't mean to offend you...I responded to your thread because I identified with it and felt myself relating to you. I have no authority aside from age and experience so don't listen to me...but I think you're awesome and hope the best for you. That is all!

I'm not offended at all, I know where you were coming from and remember reading about your situation.

This is the first relationship where i didn't walk away, because he never gave me a reason to. Guys usually dont make it past the 9 month mark. Everything has been really good up until this weekend. Maybe i'm looking for excuses to not let my guard down. what is this thing.. called.. feelings...?? gahhhh.

wow, how's that for complete honesty. i feel nekkid.

 

[ForteKitty]

Don't you want someone behind to tell how awesome you were, though???

i can be really happy alone, that's why i have a hard time understanding why some ladies are so desperate to marry, esp when they're so young still. And my cat tell me i'm awesome.. he's here right now slobbering all over me and trying to stick his dirty paw on my mouth for some reason. The other cats gnaw/lick his paws so maybe he thinks that's a sign of love. i'm NOT doing that.

 

[TooPatient]

He sounds like a typical guy -- especially given that he was drunk and honestly didn't remember.

Personally, my concern would be the drinking. Even if it is "only" a few times and "only" at weddings of old college buddies, to me it shows lack of judgement and self-control. He knows (as do you) that alcohol affects him more quickly so he should have stopped well before that point. The justifying it by saying the grooms "wanted to get their money's worth" or "the groom MADE everyone" leaves me concerned -- NO ONE can MAKE you do anything... I am of course assuming he wasn't tied down with the groom physically pouring the alcohol into him.


You seem quite willing to join in with his group of college buddies for some good-natured teasing (which is great!) BUT you seem to want everything to remain good-natured and within reason. His willingness to drink to the point of not remembering means that he goes past reasonable and into not okay. Whether it is a medical condition (like his liver) or not, he needs to learn to drink responsibly so he doesn't go past that point.

FWIW, I'd be humiliated and if my FI used a word like that in ANY setting. His behavior/choice-of-words/etc reflects on you just as yours reflects on him.


Don't give up on him just yet though. It sounds like you're really happy together otherwise. I think it really is worth your time to talk with him and work on this issue together.


ETA: And you really HAVE to post pictures! Your pendant sounds beautiful.

 

[TooPatient]

I should add that I'm extremely sensitive to people drinking alcohol. I have 1/2 a glass of wine every night with dinner. B has 1 to 1 1/2 glasses every night with dinner. I cook with it. So, I'm not against alcohol -- I just am super concerned when someone drinks "for the fun of it" or "to take the edge off" or "everyone else was drinking too" or any of the other things you hear so often from people.
(Can you tell I was raised by alcoholics? )


Part of the reason I love PS is that the people on here are real. We've all had our experiences (good and bad) in life and those experiences come through in the help/comfort/advice/chit-chat. In a way, I think that is really a good thing and actually makes for more balanced/realistic discussions!

 

[Circe]

Hm. I would have been pissed, too, for just the reason you were; I value my things, and I hate it when people try to pass the buck on blame. I'm glad they found your pendant, and I'm glad you made up ... but more than that, I'm glad he's getting his liver tested. There is something distinctly "off" about a fully grown man getting drunk enough to have memory gaps and a hangover off of what you describe. If he's generally a good guy, I'd chalk it up to, worst case scenario, a health issue indicating he shouldn't drink, or, best case scenario, an indication that he needs to drink less, eat food with liquor, etc. - basically, act like a grown-up.

The use of the c-word doesn't bother me much, though I'll abbreviate it out of deference to other people's finer feelings: I happen to think it's a better word for its purpose than almost any other word out there. There's no equivalent for our common term for male genitalia beginning with a D that shares the same ability to indicate both bad behavior and a kind of weird authority/strength/admirability. I don't have much in common with canines, regardless of gender, while I AM a cat person, the common nickname that they share with the female nether regions connotes weakness, and what does that leave us with? The C word, or possibly the T word, which I know some people find even more offensive.

I remember reading an essay in some men's magazine a few years ago, written from a male perspective about using one of those words on his GF - can't remember which. He called it a power word, something a woman simply couldn't counter, because there was nothing in the English language that was quite as nasty when applied to a man. I think that was the point when I sorta decided to reclaim it. Inga Muscio has a good, if faintly twee, book on the topic, titled (surprise!) "C*nt."

But anyway, getting back to the topic at hand: I'm getting almost a tone of chagrin from your posts, like you feel you'll be losing face if you don't dump him - because he behaved badly, because you've been together so long, something. I'm a recovering commitmentphobe myself, so I know the feeling. But since it seems like you love the guy ... maybe a few sessions of couple counseling to hash out the issues couldn't hurt? I mean, even if you don't believe in marriage, if you wind up being with the guy for ten or twenty years, better for you (and your jewelry collection!) if you resolve issues like these right off the bat.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

I showed this thread to the guys I work with in the office (ages range from 25 to 42), and the GUYs opinion unanimously was it's time for the BF to find a new GF. They thought the trips to Hawaii, Florida and Vegas may be prime places to find the GF. My thoughts of course were he should buy you many many more well cut stones.

Reading this I'd have to agree with the guys on this one. Accidents happen and people are human. I personally spent far too much of my relationship with a mentality like this and it's stressful. I also learned that treating DH like that will only lead to MORE lies because he's scared out of his mind that he'll upset me again. My 2cents is just breathe, be so happy it was found, and move on.

 

[natascha]

A question for you, ForteKitty. Have you made it crystal clear to him that that type of behavior is a no- go for you?

Everyone has certain actions or words that are deal breakers or at least very severe compared to others. The type of attitude that you describe is something most would have an issue with but for some it is a deal breaker while others just don't approve. If you are the first person in his life (that is close to him) that finds these behaviors deal breakers then unless you make that clear to him, several times, he is not going to get it.

Take the C-word, in the context you described I would not like it, but it would not really be an issue. Meanwhile for some others in this thread it would be a deal breaker. Most people have different deal breakers and nobody is perfect so unless you communicate and respect each others boundaries you will be left with either acting the doormat or breaking up.

It is great that you realize that you are a bit of a commitment phobe. That combined with your friends divorces are probably making you look for reasons to break up. So the first question is, do you want to live without him, not considering the actions of that weekend?

Second question, Do you trust yourself enough to trust him?

You are not a doormat and that aspect of your personality is not liable to change. But excuse me if I am bold, you do not seem to trust yourself enough to know that you will never accept being treated like a doormat.

I know that I am never going to allow myself to be put in the position of being a doormat or to be abused. My trust in myself allows me to then look at my relationship and the person that I love and trust in that because I know that I will never accept being treated badly. I was psychologically abused so I now recognize the signals and I know that I will never allow a partner to do that to me. By trusting in that and in my own strength I can trust another person and allow them to become part of my well being.

Independently if this is the man for you or not, learning to trust in yourself and to communicate will always benefit you.

Sheesh I sound a bit like a pratt

 

[dragonfly411]

I feel like you are overreacting a bit. Although I understand that your belongings are important, and you feel justified in being upset that he might suggest you put the pendant somewhere else, he made an honest mistake. Cut him a little slack.

 

[kama_s]

I probably shouldn't comment on this thread because it isn't going to really serve much purpose - your relationship is truly none of my business. That said, every time my husband and I get into an argument, we stop and ask each other: Is reason X more important or our relationship? And you know what, even a 1.5 ct diamond isn't as important to me as my relationship with him.

In your case, it appears as though your 4ct gemstone is more important. So be it. You also mention that you wouldn't want to break up with him now because you have four trips lined up and don't want to lose your money on airfare. I think that speaks loud and clear as to where this relationship stands for you.

Also, have you considered that he might have lied about knocking over your purse because a) it's not a big deal and b) he realized you probably would go bat-shit crazy on him.

I just hope your bf realizes where he stands as well. I'd hate for him to realize he was the one with the blinders on all this while.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Okay - I really think you should end your relationship with him - based solely on what you've said.

I don't think losing a pendant is a reason to break up with someone, however careless it may have been, and I don't think it's out of the norm to ask if you think you left it elsewhere.

I do however think that you being so quick to kick him to the curb is a red flag that you should think about more. Find the pendant and having him still in the dog house is one thing, but seriously considering ending your relationship over a mistake tells me that he doesn't mean that much to you.

 

[ForteKitty]

I probably shouldn't comment on this thread because it isn't going to really serve much purpose - your relationship is truly none of my business. That said, every time my husband and I get into an argument, we stop and ask each other: Is reason X more important or our relationship? And you know what, even a 1.5 ct diamond isn't as important to me as my relationship with him.

In your case, it appears as though your 4ct gemstone is more important. So be it. You also mention that you wouldn't want to break up with him now because you have four trips lined up and don't want to lose your money on airfare. I think that speaks loud and clear as to where this relationship stands for you.

Also, have you considered that he might have lied about knocking over your purse because a) it's not a big deal and b) he realized you probably would go bat-shit crazy on him.

I just hope your bf realizes where he stands as well. I'd hate for him to realize he was the one with the blinders on all this while.

Haha, I knew people would read it the wrong way. No, material things are not more important than him, and yes, he knows that. I was kidding about the trips and my humor is sarcastic... guess it doesn't come across in writing, does it? sigh...

i mean really, even if we break up neither of us would lose any money because we can still go on our own, you know? and it wasn't THAT much money. Each flight was only about $300.

As for bat-shit crazy, i dont like to do that, it's bad for my health. gives me wrinkles.