Wedding I''m cunfused about an invite FI received...

[meresal]

The envelope is addressed only to Mr. FI, and the inner envelope is only adressed Mr. FI... however, the RSVP card says:


M_________________________________________

____ Accepts

____ Regrets

________ Number of persons


Am I being niave??? Did she really not invite me???

I mean, could FI show up with 5 people if he wanted as long as he writes it in??? I'm so confused

 

[musey]

Date: 8/15/2008 3:43:51 PM
Author:meresal
I mean, could FI show up with 5 people if he wanted as long as he writes it in??? I'm so confused

No... the "number of persons" is generic, as in if it were addressed to a family of 5, they would fill in the number (out of 5) that would be attending. All people invited should be listed on the inner envelope.

Sounds like you weren't invited, sorry

the bride & groom were probably only able to make room for spouses.

 

[Anna0499]

Yeah, I agree with Musey. That part sounds generic, especially because the invitation didn't include your name or "and guest" or state that 2 seats were reserved for you...if you think you might be invited I would have FI call and ask. You just got engaged and there's a possibility his friend doesn't know yet.

 

[ash313]

Date: 8/15/2008 3:47:57 PM
Author: musey

Date: 8/15/2008 3:43:51 PM

Author:meresal

I mean, could FI show up with 5 people if he wanted as long as he writes it in??? I''m so confused

No... the ''number of persons'' is generic, as in if it were addressed to a family of 5, they would fill in the number (out of 5) that would be attending. All people invited should be listed on the inner envelope.


Sounds like you weren''t invited, sorry

the bride & groom probably only invited SO''s that are married.

I would have to agree with musey. If the inner envelope doesn''t have your name or "and guest" you are probably not invited

Sorry, that sucks, especially with your recent engagement!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Tough one but I go back to the good old standard line of two questions: "Does the invite have your name?" followed by "did the envelope specify ''and guest''?". If the answer to both of those is "no" I''d assume I was not invited.

HOWEVER, if you and/or FI are close to the B2B or the G2B, I''d send a friendly note or place a quick call just to clarify. I get the impression you are shocked you are not invited so it could very well be a misunderstanding. However, after reading the recent thread regarding wedding guests/invites I''d check and never assume that you are just allowed to add guests.

 

[neatfreak]

Yup...you really didn''t get invited unless it was a mistake.

You never write in guests whose names weren''t on the envelopes (or an "an guest").

 

[meresal]

Thanks everyone. This is what I suspected, but FI didn''t even notice when he read it. I said something once I looked at the invitation myself, and C doesn''t believe me.

I am very shocked at this. The Bride was a friend of his siter''s in HS, and the Groom is his fraternity brother. We saw them the last time they came home from ATX, and she kept saying "Keep your calendar open for this fall."

FI and I had this convo earlier in the night (before reading the invitation) and decided that everyone will be invited "and guest", and now that this has come up I am 100% certain.

I''m sure C will call some other people to see what their invitation said, or if they have said anything to his sister. What surprises me, is that if they are inviting only the family, then why not just send a family invite to his parents house? I am more than positive that he was invited due to the family closesness, not because of the fraternity brother, because they are not what I would call friends.

 

[musey]

Date: 8/15/2008 4:11:48 PM
Author: meresal
What surprises me, is that if they are inviting only the family, then why not just send a family invite to his parents house? I am more than positive that he was invited due to the family closesness, not because of the fraternity brother, because they are not what I would call friends.

This explains it, IMO. I could be wrong, but I think it's standard practice to send individual invites to "children" who are over 18. It sounds like they were inviting the family in that way.

If they're "not what you would call friends," it shouldn't be TOO surprising that you didn't get the guest nod (minus her calendar comment--though I'm sure their plans just had to adjust to fit their budget/space/etc.).

FI and I had this convo earlier in the night (before reading the invitation) and decided that everyone will be invited "and guest", and now that this has come up I am 100% certain.

There is some middle ground, you know

we're inviting all serious significant others, whether that means spouses, fiances, live-ins, or just long-term SOs. Not everyone has the budget or space (OR comfort-level) for this, though (see the recent \"and guest\" thread).

 

[meresal]

Musey, I totally understand, I just wonder, what happens if not so serious GF turns into serious SO, or serious SO turns into FI, or heck not-so-serious GF gets preggers and turn into Wife (an example of the unexpected obviously)... I guess I should mention that this is a couple that will not be invited to our wedding. Not becuase of this of course, I just don't know them at all, and C isn't that close with them either. It was more shocking than anything, since she has talked about it right to my face before.

I REALLY don't want to be the one to determine who is serious and who is not. LOL!!

 

[Shoopy]

I don''t get this whole serious SO or invite only if they are living together, etc.

We will invite everyone with a date. If we can''t fit them in plus guest, then they aren''t invited. One of my good friend''s is not dating anyone but she will be invited plus guest and she will most likely bring her sister. That''s fine with me. I rather they come with someone that they feel comfortable hanging out with and will stick around until the wedding is over, than come alone and dart out of there the instant they can. JMHO

 

[meresal]

Ohh the trials of a BIW... lol

Thanks girls!!

 

[musey]

Date: 8/15/2008 4:27:56 PM
Author: meresal
Musey, I totally understand, I just wonder, what happens if not so serious GF turns into serious SO, or serious SO turns into FI, or heck not-so-serious GF gets preggers and turn into Wife (an example of the unexpected obviously)...

Totally valid. Also valid: what if that not so serious girlfriend is invited out of courtesy, and then the couple breaks up? (This happened to us in two instances, it's a mess.)

There's no perfect solution. Under the circumstances, maybe if they knew you had become engaged they would have invited you. Maybe not. But they should certainly be cut a little slack, and I don't think that you should be "shocked," as you said, at not being invited. It doesn't sound like an intentional slight, just how the tree fell, you know?


...At the risk of turning this thread into the other thread...

Date: 8/15/2008 4:31:22 PM
Author: fieryred33143
I don't get this whole serious SO or invite only if they are living together, etc.

We will invite everyone with a date. If we can't fit them in plus guest, then they aren't invited. One of my good friend's is not dating anyone but she will be invited plus guest and she will most likely bring her sister. That's fine with me. I rather they come with someone that they feel comfortable hanging out with and will stick around until the wedding is over, than come alone and dart out of there the instant they can. JMHO

It's great that you have the budget/space/comfort level to include dates. Not everyone does. I would personally rather have my closest friends there sans date, than not invite them because it's not within my realm of comfort to share such a personal experience with strangers.

The reason we invited all serious SOs is that those are the SOs we are friends with as well. I thought that that was simpler than saying "We're inviting all significant others that we've also become friends with to the point that we feel comfortable sharing our wedding with them, as well." But apparently I should have included all that clarifying (albeit cluttering) information to avoid confusion.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 8/15/2008 4:55:28 PM
Author: musey

It''s great that you have the budget/space/comfort level to include dates. Not everyone does. I would personally rather have my closest friends there sans date, than not invite them because it''s not within my realm of comfort to share such a personal experience with strangers.

The reason we invited all serious SOs is that those are the SOs we are friends with as well. I thought that that was simpler than saying ''We''re inviting all significant others that we''ve also become friends with to the point that we feel comfortable sharing our wedding with them, as well.'' But apparently I should have included all that clarifying (albeit cluttering) information to avoid confusion.

FYI I have a budget of $10,000 that will be funded by Banco Fieryred33143 and can only afford 60 guests out of a list of 120. I was just offerning my own opinion and personal choice.

 

[musey]

Date: 8/15/2008 5:04:09 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 8/15/2008 4:55:28 PM
Author: musey
It's great that you have the budget/space/comfort level to include dates. Not everyone does.

FYI I have a budget of $10,000 that will be funded by Banco Fieryred33143 and can only afford 60 guests out of a list of 120. I was just offerning my own opinion and personal choice.

I'm confused. You said you would be accommodating plus ones, I said it's great that you're willing to do that, but not everyone can... how is your budget or guest list size relevant?

All I was trying to say is that what works for you does not work for everyone. Since this is a "why wasn't I invited?" thread, it seems most important to explore reasons why the OP may not have been invited. Not to tout reasons why the couple is (in anyone's opinion) in the wrong, especially if they're just personal opinion as opposed to rules of etiquette/tradition/etc.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 8/15/2008 5:07:17 PM
Author: musey

Date: 8/15/2008 5:04:09 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 8/15/2008 4:55:28 PM
Author: musey
It''s great that you have the budget/space/comfort level to include dates. Not everyone does.

FYI I have a budget of $10,000 that will be funded by Banco Fieryred33143 and can only afford 60 guests out of a list of 120. I was just offerning my own opinion and personal choice.

I''m confused. You said you would be accommodating plus ones, I said it''s great that you''re willing to do that, but not everyone can... how is your budget or guest list size relevant?

All I was trying to say is that what works for you does not work for everyone. Since this is a ''why wasn''t I invited?'' thread, it seems most important to explore reasons why the OP may not have been invited. Not to tout reasons why the couple is (in anyone''s opinion) in the wrong, especially if they''re just personal opinion as opposed to rules of etiquette/tradition/etc.

When I read your comment, it came across that you were implying I had some huge budget and huge space to accomodate everyone under the sun. It came across as an attack. I''m sure that wasn''t the intention, but I read it that way. I was explaining that I don''t (the comment made me feel defensive).

Also, since we are clarifying things...my comment about not understanding why people only invite those with serious SOs was not meant directly to you. I didn''t even read your post before I mentioned that. It was not meant to be offensive to anyone.

 

[meresal]

Date: 8/15/2008 4:55:28 PM
Author: musey

Date: 8/15/2008 4:27:56 PM
Author: meresal
Musey, I totally understand, I just wonder, what happens if not so serious GF turns into serious SO, or serious SO turns into FI, or heck not-so-serious GF gets preggers and turn into Wife (an example of the unexpected obviously)...

Totally valid. Also valid: what if that not so serious girlfriend is invited out of courtesy, and then the couple breaks up? (This happened to us in two instances, it's a mess.)

There's no perfect solution. Under the circumstances, maybe if they knew you had become engaged they would have invited you. Maybe not. But they should certainly be cut a little slack, and I don't think that you should be 'shocked,' as you said, at not being invited. It doesn't sound like an intentional slight, just how the tree fell, you know?

I can totally understand how it goes both ways.

I only said shocked, because she had talked to me about keeping our schedules "open". We assumed that meant that she would be inviting me. I know better than to assume

. I think C is still a little shocked for other reasons. You know how guys can be... "But we live together, why wouldn't they invite you?"

 

[musey]

Date: 8/15/2008 5:14:52 PM
Author: fieryred33143
When I read your comment, it came across that you were implying I had some huge budget and huge space to accomodate everyone under the sun. It came across as an attack. I'm sure that wasn't the intention, but I read it that way. I was explaining that I don't (the comment made me feel defensive).

Also, since we are clarifying things...my comment about not understanding why people only invite those with serious SOs was not meant directly to you. I didn't even read your post before I mentioned that. It was not meant to be offensive to anyone.

I meant exactly what I said: it's great that you have the budget/space comfort level to accommodate plus ones, but not everyone does. I don't really understand how that could be an attack.

ETA: I guess I tend give people the benefit of the doubt on PS, and don't read into text beyond its face value--that's how I type, too. Subliminal messages, sarcasm... these are things that don't translate on forums. I've seen a lot of miscommunication and quick defensiveness around here lately. People who've been around the boards for awhile know each others' personalities and whether or not to 'read between the lines' in each member's posts... but we seem to have had an influx of people who are new to the boards lately, and there's always a learning curve when that happens. It makes the place volatile for awhile. When I notice it happening I usually take a break from visiting until things calm down...


I'm truly sorry, meresal, I didn't mean to distract from your topic. I'm being my own pet peeve right now. Hopefully that'll be the last of it.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 8/15/2008 5:27:51 PM
Author: musey

Date: 8/15/2008 5:14:52 PM
Author: fieryred33143
When I read your comment, it came across that you were implying I had some huge budget and huge space to accomodate everyone under the sun. It came across as an attack. I'm sure that wasn't the intention, but I read it that way. I was explaining that I don't (the comment made me feel defensive).

Also, since we are clarifying things...my comment about not understanding why people only invite those with serious SOs was not meant directly to you. I didn't even read your post before I mentioned that. It was not meant to be offensive to anyone.

I meant exactly what I said: it's great that you have the budget/space comfort level to accommodate plus ones, but not everyone does. I don't really understand how that could be an attack.

I guess I tend give people the benefit of the doubt on forums, and don't read into text beyond its face value. Subliminal messages, sarcasm... these are things that don't translate on forums.

There’s a difference between telling someone that its great they are “willing” to do that and telling someone its great they “can.” Your were implying I can and I was merely correcting you.

I'm going to go ahead and apologize because there is obvious miscommunication.

ETA: Since you added on, I know that there are a lot of people on here that have been here for a while that dismess the defensiveness of another poster just because they haven't been on here for a while. I explained above that my defensiveness came from reading it as if it were an attack. You said it wasn't, I clarified I thought it was. No biggie. It has nothing to do with how long I've been on PS.

I know that you are sensitive about the whole guest list issues (refering back to your thread in re: to an LIW getting upset over the whole and guest issue) and I know you (as well as other brides on here) are stressed w/ planning so I should have been a little bit more sensitive with my post. Again, I apologize for the miscommunication. And I sincerely hope that none of my posts above gave the feeling of being volatile. That was most certainly not my intention and never is when I post on any thread and I would really feel bad if I came across like that to someone...especially someone that has been on this forum for much longer than I have.

 

[musey]

Date: 8/15/2008 5:35:28 PM
Author: fieryred33143
There's a difference between telling someone that its great they are "willing" to do that and telling someone its great they "can" Your were implying I can and I was merely correcting you.

I'm going to go ahead and apologize because there is obvious miscommunication.

Thanks for the apology.

To be fair, as I said, I wasn't "implying" anything. I said: "It's great that you have the budget/space/comfort level to include dates. Not everyone does." I don't know which of those things apply in your situation, so I put X/Y/Z to cover all bases (and all reasons why someone may NOT be able to include plus ones--since that is, of course, what the thread is about).

Since I don't know you or your budget (well, didn't, now I do, though budget means different things in different places, but that's beside the point), that should read as "It's great that--for whatever reason--you are accommodating plus ones." Besides, you said you ARE, so that means you CAN, right? Otherwise you would NOT be.

Hope that makes sense... again, very sorry, meresal. I don't like to leave stuff hanging and let people make incorrect assumptions about my posts.

Date: 8/15/2008 5:35:28 PM
Author: fieryred33143
ETA: Since you added on, I know that there are a lot of people on here that have been here for a while that dismess the defensiveness of another poster just because they haven't been on here for a while. I explained above that my defensiveness came from reading it as if it were an attack. You said it wasn't, I clarified I thought it was. No biggie. It has nothing to do with how long I've been on PS.

The only reason I mentioned length of time on here is that we have not had many exchanges. People who have been on here for a long time have come to my defense in the past, when someone has misinterpreted my post(s). I've had people comment, in that context, that they know my posts never have hidden meanings, and that I never "attack" others. You don't know that about me and my posting style, otherwise you most likely wouldn't have interpreted my post as an attack.

It majorly bums me out when people read harmless posts from me as mean-spirited, because I'm not that kind of person, and I pride myself in being fair-minded and kind. Otherwise I wouldn't bother with all this clarification.