iLander's Management 101

[Imdanny]

iLander,

I read your Management 101 advice in a recent thread and I took notes.

You never bring someone a problem without bringing them a solution. It freaks them out. It produces a flight or fight response. The goal is to get from A to B without using the word "you", without making the other person feel blamed or slighted.

I thought about what you said and I applied it to my landlord.

I came to him with a problem ("the rent is not paid") and did not bring him a solution (a payment arrangement proposal with specific dates and amounts).

I did this to him not once, but three times.

Duh, Danny!

Just like you said, he started fighting, then he absurdly mumbled, "So be it" and he fled.

Here's the thing. We were in a fight or flight pattern too!

Everyone in this house was in a fight or flight mindset, because of my basic, Management 101 mistake!

I decided to take responsibility for it.

I invited him to meet me, and this time, I came prepared.

We worked things out, and I've made two payments out of four, in full, and on schedule (and, yes, I have the receipts ).

I want to say thank you! This was a very serious situation and your advice helped me so much.

Hugs,

Danny

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

If you are speaking about ILanders response to a young woman who had a flareup with her not boss but a person whose status at work was her superior, I agree with you on the value of the advise given. I am responding to your post because i wanted to say that I thought it was about the best responses I have ever read on PS. All those who contributed to that thread gave such important advise. I wish that thread could be flagged for future use. I'm glad you could apply it to your life.

Thanks Ilander and the rest of the smart women.

Annette

 

[Imdanny]

Thanks, Annette. Yes, that's the one! There was a lot of great advice given in that thread!

 

[Rhea]

Agreed! I've recently used iLander's advice for 2 problems. I know it's what my friend had mentioned before about the way I present problems, but something about how iLander worded it made perfect sense.

 

[iLander]

I decided to take responsibility for it.

I invited him to meet me, and this time, I came prepared.

We worked things out, and I've made two payments out of four, in full, and on schedule (and, yes, I have the receipts ).

I want to say thank you! This was a very serious situation and your advice helped me so much.

Hugs,

Danny

Yeah!!! I'm so happy for you Danny! I'm thrilled that worked for you!

It was nice to come home and see this post, thank you Danny! You're a very kind person to do this.

 

[iLander]

Hi,

If you are speaking about ILanders response to a young woman who had a flareup with her not boss but a person whose status at work was her superior, I agree with you on the value of the advise given. I am responding to your post because i wanted to say that I thought it was about the best responses I have ever read on PS. All those who contributed to that thread gave such important advise. I wish that thread could be flagged for future use. I'm glad you could apply it to your life.

Thanks Ilander and the rest of the smart women.

Annette

I think the management 101 advice was on the woman that had a neighbor problem, but the only reason I knew that is because I looked it up. I couldn't actually remember.

I agree, the advice from everyone on here is pretty remarkable. Every time I have a problem I think "should I put it on the forum?", because there are so many smart people here.

The most important thing that PS has taught me is that everyone's opinion—even if it doesn't agree with mine— is valid. Go figure!

I'm not bolding the part of your post that made me smile this big, it would be immodest. But thank you.

 

[iLander]

Agreed! I've recently used iLander's advice for 2 problems. I know it's what my friend had mentioned before about the way I present problems, but something about how iLander worded it made perfect sense.

I'm so thrilled that I could help you! Glad to do it!

And thank you for mentioning it, that's really sweet of you!

That's why forums are so great, everyone is here to help.

Remember, though, not all my advice is good, but it is always free!

 

[tyty333]

I had taken notice of that advice also (its SOOOO noteworthy) and mentioned to a girl in PTO that only comes
with problems. Now, I'm hoping she takes it to heart. We''ll see!

I also apply it to myself! Multiple solutions if I can think of more than one.

Thanks ILander!

 

[Imdanny]

I decided to take responsibility for it.

I invited him to meet me, and this time, I came prepared.

We worked things out, and I've made two payments out of four, in full, and on schedule (and, yes, I have the receipts ).

I want to say thank you! This was a very serious situation and your advice helped me so much.

Hugs,

Danny

Yeah!!! I'm so happy for you Danny! I'm thrilled that worked for you!

It was nice to come home and see this post, thank you Danny! You're a very kind person to do this.

iLander, my pleasure! Thank you! Yes, it's great he and I were able to work things out. I like living here... even if I do have to hear, um, noise once in awhile.

Seriously, I thought about it and I realized I was the one who was responsible for this, and I was the one who had to fix it. It was great to be able to realize this and take action to fix it.

 

[JewelFreak]

Great job, Danny! I'm so glad you worked so well w/your landlord. iLander is one smart cookie all the time. But it's one thing to hear good advice & another to apply it to ourselves -- and a third thing to actually take the necessary grown-up steps. Triumph for you! It's tough being an adult, even though you've been one for donkeys' years. You did it.

--- Laurie

 

[Starzin]

Seriously, I thought about it and I realized I was the one who was responsible for this, and I was the one who had to fix it. It was great to be able to realize this and take action to fix it.

and

But it's one thing to hear good advice & another to apply it to ourselves -- and a third thing to actually take the necessary grown-up steps.

So very, very true. Congratulations Danny, no doubt you're feeling the stress melting away too

It's advice I remember a former manager giving me many moons ago "Don't bring me problems, bring me solutions". Trouble was, he also suffered from "analysis paralysis" and never did anything about problems or solutions!

 

[Porridge]

The advice in that thread was solid gold - I have it bookmarked! Well done Danny!

 

[Enerchi]

What a wonderful ending to a very stressful story, Danny! Very happy that it all worked out for you in the end. It takes a lot to recognize that perhaps *we* are part of the problem, so to heed iLander's advice and apply it - KUDOS to you!

Hopefully now all will run smoothly in your home. Such a relief

 

[Imdanny]

Great job, Danny! I'm so glad you worked so well w/your landlord. iLander is one smart cookie all the time. But it's one thing to hear good advice & another to apply it to ourselves -- and a third thing to actually take the necessary grown-up steps. Triumph for you! It's tough being an adult, even though you've been one for donkeys' years. You did it.

--- Laurie

Thanks, Laurie! Don't think for a minute I don't remember what you said in that thread.

[Learn the lesson I'm giving you] or blubber forever.

I've had to do a lot of soul searching and learn many lessons since I had my accident.

I know I am better for it.

Not that I'd wish those months on my worst enemy, but the common denominator of eveverything that happened was me and realizing that was a good thing. I'm not going to give anyone the power to make decisions that are mine to make. Absent the landlord giving me a 45 day written notice and ending the tenancy, I will decide whether I stay or go.

 

[Imdanny]

Thanks, everyone!

I'm still trying to get SO to "get with the program". It seems to me he has his ego invested in fighting wIth the landlord and doesn't see that doing that can only hurt him (and me).

They are like two rams slamming each other with their horns. That would be flattering... If I were 20. I just think it's counter-productive (and that's a nice way of putting it).

It's very hard for me to assert myself in a situation like this but I am determined.

The day before yesterday I made my 3rd of 4 payments. SO insisted I bring up the issue of the landlord turning off the internet. He told me his position is the landlord turns it back on or next month the cost of internet gets deducted from the rent. No way. But I felt I had to bring it up. I had already brought it up. That time I pointed out it was in the ad and has always been included. He asked me belligerently if I wanted to go to court. I got nowhere.

So this time I just asked if he would do it. He said calmly no.

SO (as I knew he would) exploded. He slammed the computer shut and yelled, "He's a LIAR!" We fought all day.

The thing is (and I'm going to tell SO this when this subject comes up again) one night about a week ago SO guessed the landlord's password and got caught and the landlord is never going to turn it on.

It was late at night and we saw a green porch light go on. Then we heard footsteps. Then the internet stopped working. He and his girlfriend must have seen the solid and blinking lights on their modem.

I'm sure any chance he was going to turn it on was ruined and I just don't care about this. I refuse to give up my place to live over something so petty and silly.

How do I convince SO to put his ego aside and let this go? Any ideas from you wise women (and men)?

 

[iLander]

Hi Danny,

Well this sucks, sorry to hear you are having this issue.

Is the internet access written into your lease?

 

[Imdanny]

iLander, it's an oral agreement (perfectly legal according to the landlord tenant code).

It's a lost cause! My landlord is slightly paranoid (could be because of the pot he smokes daily- I went to put my garbage in the garbage can in his garage about a week ago and found a pipe and a small zip bag with pot in a little jar- he knew I did too because he was mowing the lawn and saw me go in there - now he sits on his front porch and smokes and doesn't try to hide it).

I told SO he was going to get caught and I didn't want him to do that but he wouldn't listen.

We're not blameless and it's too minor to worry about anymore. I just need to convince SO to let it go. We've been getting along very well for three days now. He's calmed down. He's being quiet. He's listened to what little I've said about everything.

And OMG, this morning he told me he wants to buy my ring! He's never actually agred to spend the money before, and this morning he just brought it up and told me that- I wasn't talking about it- I wasn't even hinting about it! OMG, OMG, OMG!

 

[Enerchi]

Ring??? what ring???? Details Danny ---- DETAILS!!!!

 

[Imdanny]

​

Ring??? what ring???? Details Danny ---- DETAILS!!!!

Cartier 2.5 mm gold wedding band.

 

[iLander]

Hi Danny!

The ring is such great news! Good for you, that's awesome!

I'm glad SO is calmed down, next time make sure that extras that are advertised are written in the lease. But honestly, I think I would be kind of keeping my eyes open for a new place. Don't go and look per se, but kind of keep it in the back of your mind when driving around or looking at grocery store bulletin boards. I think something great might just fall into your lap.

You know, Cartier might be able to do a little engraving on that. But then again, it might be too small. If you do get it done, please tell me what the quote is, I'm thinking of having my watch done.

I know you've wanted that ring for a really long time, I'm so happy that it's in the works!

HUGS Danny!

 

[Enerchi]

​

Ring??? what ring???? Details Danny ---- DETAILS!!!!

Cartier 2.5 mm gold wedding band.

Are those angels singing??? Are the birds chirping even louder and happier??? I think they are!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! That's wonderful for you - very exciting!!!!!

wait - I can't recall - did you ever mention before that you like Cartier???? hmmm... let me think....
(so happy for you!)

 

[Imdanny]

Thank you both so much! You and Laurie are angels.

iLander, there would't be a lot of room cause the underside is filled up with "Cartier" and lots of numbers.

We're definitely keeping our eye out for other places.

Hugs!

Danny