if your adult child borrowed money from you...

[jewelz617]

No, not if my child was working hard and/or in school and was struggling financially. No way would I expect her to repay me. I''m her mom, if she''s honestly doing her best I will help her.

If she spent her rent money on clothes and shoe shopping however, that would be a different story. At some point your kids have to know there are limits to the bailouts.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 2/2/2010 1:35:12 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 2/2/2010 12:00:57 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 2/2/2010 8:07:27 AM

Author: SapphireLover

Am I the only person that notices that Dancing Fire always starts threads like this but never actually gives their opinion?

IMO...it is a culture thing and no,my kids haven''t ask to borrow money yet.

Really? I thought you had a daughter who had a credit card in your name for ''emergencies.'' Is that ''borrowing'' from you (since you pay the bill) or a gift?

Oh, snap!

 

[kama_s]

Date: 2/2/2010 1:37:21 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 2/2/2010 10:39:43 AM
Author: kama_s
I feel like I probably should clarify my previous post. I didn't take into account borrowing to spend on frivilous items or continuously bailing out. I would think (hope?) my family/kids would only ask for money when they are in desperate need.


I raised my brother, who is now 18, and he doesn't get money from me to spend on frivolous items. He is one of the most responsible kids I know. He wanted a new gaming unit, well, he had to earn the money for it. The only thing I pay for are his basic necessities (food, clothes, shelter) and a tiny bit more as 'pocket money'. But he is still in high school. Once he's done his education, I'd expect him to fend for himself as a grown adult would. Should he face any dire circumstances, I would give him money to help him through and not expect it back. Unless, as I mentioned before, it was a huge sum of money or if it was money we really could use.


I really do hate wasting money or living beyond our means. I worked ridiculously hard for every penny, as did my husband. I sure as hell would teach my kids financial responsibility...but, I would most definitely want life to be easier for them than it was for us. For instance, I would hope to be in a position to be able to pay for their university tution - no matter the number of years or the institution.

Kama, I really admire you for taking on the responsibility of raising your brother. My brother is 17, and while he's not living with me, I pretty much raised him until age 5. He's a great kid, but I couldn't imagine living with a teenager!

Thanks, HH. It wasn't easy, for sure. I am so thankful he turned out (relatively) okay! But getting back to the tough love bit, I told him he could stay with us just until he finished high school. He dicked around the last year and didn't have grades good enough to get into college so he is repeating Grade 12. I told him he can always count on me for anything, but I can't keep him with us any longer (we made a deal, he didn't keep his end). So last Nov. he got his own place that he shares with two other friends. My father does pay for his rent, but he's on his own in terms of financial responsibility, budgeting and household responsibilities.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 2/2/2010 1:35:12 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 2/2/2010 12:00:57 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 2/2/2010 8:07:27 AM

Author: SapphireLover

Am I the only person that notices that Dancing Fire always starts threads like this but never actually gives their opinion?

IMO...it is a culture thing and no,my kids haven''t ask to borrow money yet.

Really? I thought you had a daughter who had a credit card in your name for ''emergencies.'' Is that ''borrowing'' from you (since you pay the bill) or a gift?

i haven''t been paying her bills since she gotten a full time job.

 

[that_someone_special]

Life is too short to charge interest to your own children.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 2/2/2010 4:03:08 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 2/2/2010 1:35:12 PM

Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 2/2/2010 12:00:57 PM

Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 2/2/2010 8:07:27 AM


Author: SapphireLover


Am I the only person that notices that Dancing Fire always starts threads like this but never actually gives their opinion?

IMO...it is a culture thing and no,my kids haven''t ask to borrow money yet.

Really? I thought you had a daughter who had a credit card in your name for ''emergencies.'' Is that ''borrowing'' from you (since you pay the bill) or a gift?

i haven''t been paying her bills since she gotten a full time job.

Not that you owe anyone an explanation about anything you choose to give to your child...

 

[Arcadian]

No kids here, however, I never loan what I can''t afford to give. That basically means I won''t expect the money back. Too many people (family, friends, what have you) tend to think if you can give them money, you got it like that, so you can come last when it comes to paying back.

it also been known to breed some hella hostility between people.
-A

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 2/2/2010 4:03:08 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 2/2/2010 1:35:12 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 2/2/2010 12:00:57 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 2/2/2010 8:07:27 AM

Author: SapphireLover

Am I the only person that notices that Dancing Fire always starts threads like this but never actually gives their opinion?

IMO...it is a culture thing and no,my kids haven''t ask to borrow money yet.

Really? I thought you had a daughter who had a credit card in your name for ''emergencies.'' Is that ''borrowing'' from you (since you pay the bill) or a gift?

i haven''t been paying her bills since she gotten a full time job.

DF, this is great news! And hopefully she''s paying those cc statements at the end of the month!! if not, she''ll learn on her own.

 

[elrohwen]

Not necessarily. There's definitely a time and a place for gifts - if parents have money and want to give it to their adult children for a wedding, house, to get over hard times, whatever, then that's ok. My parents have done it for me and I plan to do it for my kids some day.

In general, I don't think money should be given to family members with the expectation of being paid back - it just creates bad situations and bad feelings.

eta: If the agreement is for a loan that will be paid back, then of course the kid should pay it back. I just feel that loaning any family member money is asking for trouble if they don't pay you back as quickly as you would like.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 2/2/2010 4:58:16 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady


DF, this is great news! And hopefully she's paying those cc statements at the end of the month!! if not, she'll learn on her own.

she said...she's been saving money for future d/p on a house.

mommy gave her $2500 to help max out her Roth IRA.

 

[zhuzhu]

Depending on what the money is borrowed for of course. However I will not make a big deal on going after the money if I do give them the money.

 

[partgypsy]

I guess I'm a hard ass, but I would not loan money to my child. Of course I will try to help out when they are getting started, in particular contributing to college. Anything beyond that I would only give what I could afford to, and give the same amount to each child. If they needed a loan that's what banks are for. It's not worth getting into a dysfunctional relationship with my loanee child or allow resentment to develop between siblings if things became unequal, which it can rather quickly (are you going to sue your own child to retrieve the money? Didn't think so).

 

[Cehrabehra]

honestly it''s far more likely that my parents or husband''s parents would borrow from US and would we expect it back? Kinda tough... dh bought a computer for his dad to give to his mom and his dad said he would pay for it but months went by and nothing and dh decided he wasn''t going to say anything and just write it off in his mind... shortly after his father paid him back but I think he''d already mentally written it off so this year he bought his dad a computer for himself just cuz which is quite a bit more than the general holiday gift giving around his family. I''ve digressed. If I gave any of them money outright I would write it off immediately but accept the money if they ever gave it to me. I would probably do the same for a child, depending on their history.

 

[steph72276]

Date: 2/1/2010 11:43:14 PM
Author: trillionaire
I personally don''t believe in lending money that you expect back. If you can''t do without it, don''t lend it.

Ditto! If they were in a bad situation (lost a job, etc.) I would gift them the money without being expected to pay it back. I have never borrowed money from my parents, but I know they would help me if I really needed it, and I would be certain to pay them back as quickly as I could once I was on my feet again.

 

[Imdanny]

Date: 2/1/2010 8:14:58 PM
Author:Dancing Fire
would you expect him/her to pay you back?

No.

 

[ringthings]

A small sum? No.

A large sum (tens of thousands)? Yes. With interest.

If it was once (or they weren''t the frequent taker), or it was for something life-improving (college) or life changing (surgery, perhaps), then no, no, no.. I wouldn''t expect a pay back, no matter the cost. If they were a less-young-but-young adult, I''d expect them to OFFER to pay me back, but I''d tell them not to. I think it''s good to help out your kids/parents when possible, and expect nothing in return-- not even opulent expressions of gratitude. And no hanging it over their heads, other. I plan to freely give my future kids money all throughout college and well into their young adulthood (say, 30 or so, until they get more settled/established) just to help them out if I can. Not lavishness, just a little help so they can get chicken ramen noodle soup, instead of the plain old soup. I know they''ll appreciate having someone to make things a bit easier for them. And I don''t want them to do without, or feel pressured, or have the weight of the world on them. So, reasonable money would flow freely from me to them. I''m sure when I''m old, our roles will be switched and it''ll be their turn.

I never lend money to friends. Not family friends, not co-workers, etc. No non-blood/official relatives. When I have a family, a family rule will be to never lend money to friends. Help them find shelter, give them dinner, help them raise money for a vital medicine treatment, help them positively in a life-changing way, etc., we''d GIVE what we could, without a thought. But lend to friends? NEVER, never, never. Likewise, I wouldn''t lend to non-immediate family members either, unless it was a dire situation.. in which case I''d give them money, if I could afford it. It''s all personal preference. For me, if/when a friend asks me for money, it makes me feel like they''re taking advantage of the relationship and violating our friendship. If I gave it to them, they''d either 1) not pay it back 2) take too long 3) spend too much on other stuff while not paying me back or 4) pay it back, but I''d still feel like they saw me as a cash box. But like I mentioned, if the friend truly had no shelter, no food, no medicine for their ill child, etc., I would help them and give them anything that I could. I want to be someone friends can turn to for emotional support, help, etc., but not for money.