If you suspect your partner is cheating...

[that_someone_special]

I''d do it.

And I have.

99.9999999% of the time I was right!!!

 

[JSM]

I don''t know if snooping is ever ok, but if I suspected he was cheating, I''d do it. But as I have access to everything (phones are in my name), that would mean he would have gotten a ''secret'' phone, so I wouldn''t be able to snoop. Although I don''t know if he could keep secret phones from me, the number of times I find his important stuff in his pants when doing the laundry...

 

[TooPatient]

We both have passwords and access to e-mail, phone, bank, etc.
If I need something out of my e-mail and am busy in the kitchen I ask him to get the e-mail for me. Same for him.
I pay some bills. He pays some bills. The bank accounts may technically be separate, but they have authorization on file for the other to do whatever with the accounts. Also, before I pay a bill out of my account I sometimes check to make sure he has enough in his to cover groceries. He does the same.
If the balance looks strange, we check the history to see what happened. (my account was emptied when someone got my card number so we are very careful to watch for strange charges in any of the accounts)

If he started keeping passwords from me or using a different screen name (he''s had the same one forever) I''d be concerned. Or if he didn''t want me looking in accounts (near birthday time is an obvious exception) or something.


I trust him. He trusts me.

Besides, he could never keep it a secret. (I once found out that he had lunch with his boss because my seat in the car had been touched. It just didn''t feel right. -- he wasn''t trying to hide this from me, he just hadn''t told me about his day yet since I had JUST gotten in the car after work)

 

[cara]

If you are having enough doubts about your SO to want to snoop, that is a problem in and of itself. It'd be nice to say that you should just break up or otherwise address your loss of trust in a relationship without snooping, but I think life is a little more complicated than that. Especially once you are married or have kids together or are otherwise very invested in a relationship - having facts to support your suspicions can make things much more clear and maybe give you the backbone to move forward with difficult decisions. But, on the other hand, if you have a history of being jealous or a history of being cheated on that has left you a little less trustful in general, you have to be careful in following your 'intuition' and make sure that intuition is responding to real clues your SO is giving and not your own bad instincts.

So... I would snoop, but with the knowledge that the mere fact I was snooping meant our relationship had serious issues. Either I find support for my suspicions (cheating = big problems) or I had so little faith in our relationship and so many doubts that I was reduced to snooping (also big problem, just unclear what the cause is - could be me, could be the relationship, could still be cheating SO even if I find nothing.)

Anybody watch Mad Men? I'm thinking of Betty Draper. She knows Don is cheating on her even in Season One, she confronts him in Season Two and he denies it and she goes crazy tearing up the house trying to find 'proof' of something she already knows, and finds nothing. Her husband has left ample evidence, but the intangible kind - nothing physical she can point to and show in court. Not finding the evidence she is searching for drives her even more crazy, and allows Don to say its all in her head. Which goes to show that snooping didn't actually help her case, and the mere fact she was driven to snooping was enough to say they were having real problems.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I doubt I would. If I suspect my DH is cheating and I''m looking for some evidence the likelihood of me completely misreading or misinterpreting a text is greatly increased. I''d prefer the more direct approach rather than leave something up to interpretation when I am already feeling suspicious.

I do control the cell phone account, however, and I am sure DH knows if I want to see any incoming or outgoing contacts I can.

 

[Sabine]

I like to think I would ask him point blank and trust his response. However, if I had some reason to really suspect there was something "bad" on his phone, I''d tell him I''d like to see it right then and there and look at it with him watching.

 

[wsu12]

Date: 12/2/2009 5:07:41 PM
Author: swedish bean
I''d do it.


And I have.


99.9999999% of the time I was right!!!

Ditto!
I went through the phone of an ex whom I was certain was cheating...Indeed he was, I got the physical proof I needed and was able to walk away without having doubts.

I have NEVER looked through my husbands phone/e-mail. I have never been given a reason to, I have complete trust.

I think it can be unfair to judge women who do "snoop" if you have not walked a mile in their shoes.

 

[Pandora II]

DH and I do not have the passwords to each others email accounts, phones or anything.

Doesn''t bother me at all that I don''t have access - if he was to cheat on me he wouldn''t be stupid enough to leave evidence on his phone or in emails, plus I reckon I would know just through gut instinct (BTDT and was NEVER wrong).

 

[Haven]

I don''t know, really. If I really suspected he was cheating I would prefer to ask him about it rather than to find out on my own by snooping, because that only puts me in a horrible position. I think Cara''s post is right on, and I agree with everything she said, as well.

I have some personal experience with this that makes me pretty averse to snooping. Here it is:

- My parents recently divorced after my father had a long-term affair, during which he corresponded with the other woman via email quite regularly.
When she first found out, my mother began snooping in his email, found other emails, got into all those accounts, and ended up finding out a lot of awful information that she couldn''t really confront him about because, well, she was snooping.
- Fast forward several years to now. They are now divorced. My mother''s snooping revealed (right around the time my father left her) that my father was seeing a very close friend of my mom''s behind everyone''s back. This very close friend is like a second mother to me, I cannot really express how close our families are because this type of closeness doesn''t exist much in this country today.
- My mother made two mistakes: First, she snooped and found out something she shouldn''t know. Second, she told *me* what she found out, and I have since been in an impossible situation. It''s been over a year and this issue hasn''t been resolved. My mother gets mad at me for invited my "second mom" to events, yet she refuses to just come clean about the whole thing and tell them what she knows, so I am in an impossible situation where I have to pretend that I don''t know anything, yet I have to deal with my mother, who cannot understand why I won''t just write this person out of my life. It''s very difficult, and nothing but stress and heartache has come from this particular snooping. So, I''m not a big fan of snooping, it''s caused me a lot of stress and that is one thing I try to avoid in general.

 

[Maisie]

Heck yeah I''d go through his phone. And his pockets, car and even undercrackers for signs of anything suspect! Well ok, maybe not his undercrackers but definitely the rest.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I can''t imagine my husband being upset for me looking through any of his stuff - and generally I don''t unless I''m looking for something specific. I only remember outright snooping once and it was before we were married. If he got secretive and suddenly acted like it was offensive for me to look through his things I''d make a point to do just that.

 

[Shoopy]

I wonder about the concept of asking flat out if he is or isn't.

What man would admit it? I've never heard/met a cheater that admitted it as soon as the question was brought up. The ones I have heard of/know of have always been caught and when they are caught, they deny deny deny until there is hard evidence in front of them that they just can't deny anymore.

ETA: Before DF comes in and ask, yes women can and do cheat also

 

[qtiekiki]

It''s not snooping if you just mistakenly thought that it was your phone. LOL.

I think it would be pretty obvious if DH is cheating b/c he basically leave his laptop with email logged in and phone out in plain sight. I actually have to tell him that his phone is ringing or that he is getting text quite often. But if I did suspect him of cheating, then I would just ask him. I think if he cheats, then the least he can do for me is to tell me the truth.

DH had always said that it''s too much work to cheat, to hide all the tracks and eventually the other woman will want something more than just an affair.

This topic is kind of close to home, as a cousin is cheating on his wife with two kids and basically not going home anymore.

 

[Haven]

It's interesting to see how different couples deal with the phones and emails. DH and I use each others' phones a lot, mostly because I always forget my phone at home or leave it in a pocket somewhere, so his is usually the only one we have with us.

We also use each others' laptops a lot, too. I'll come home and his email will be up on my computer, or vice versa. Before I had my Blackberry DH used to check my email for me a lot, too.

I'm not saying it's good or bad to have it one way or the other, it's just interesting to hear of the different ways we handle our cell phones and computers.

 

[Cehrabehra]

maisie - what is an undercracker? lol

 

[Shoopy]

Haven- we also use each other''s phone all the time. As a matter of fact, FI downloaded the blackberry app for gmail and for a while all of his emails would get sent to my inbox and my phone would buzz all the time. I finally changed the settings but he was aware of it and it never bothered him.

Side story: my ex-bf''s "wife" found out he was cheating on her with me (I didn''t know) when she got an anon note from someone (so she claims) and went snooping before approaching him. His phone was clean but she decided to search his car and found another phone taped under the seat.

Idiot...or maybe genius?

 

[Bia]

Date: 12/2/2009 6:29:45 PM
Author: Haven
I don''t know, really. If I really suspected he was cheating I would prefer to ask him about it rather than to find out on my own by snooping, because that only puts me in a horrible position. I think Cara''s post is right on, and I agree with everything she said, as well.


I have some personal experience with this that makes me pretty averse to snooping. Here it is:


- My parents recently divorced after my father had a long-term affair, during which he corresponded with the other woman via email quite regularly.

When she first found out, my mother began snooping in his email, found other emails, got into all those accounts, and ended up finding out a lot of awful information that she couldn''t really confront him about because, well, she was snooping.

- Fast forward several years to now. They are now divorced. My mother''s snooping revealed (right around the time my father left her) that my father was seeing a very close friend of my mom''s behind everyone''s back. This very close friend is like a second mother to me, I cannot really express how close our families are because this type of closeness doesn''t exist much in this country today.

- My mother made two mistakes: First, she snooped and found out something she shouldn''t know. Second, she told *me* what she found out, and I have since been in an impossible situation. It''s been over a year and this issue hasn''t been resolved. My mother gets mad at me for invited my ''second mom'' to events, yet she refuses to just come clean about the whole thing and tell them what she knows, so I am in an impossible situation where I have to pretend that I don''t know anything, yet I have to deal with my mother, who cannot understand why I won''t just write this person out of my life. It''s very difficult, and nothing but stress and heartache has come from this particular snooping. So, I''m not a big fan of snooping, it''s caused me a lot of stress and that is one thing I try to avoid in general.

Wow Haven, that''s pretty intense. How does your mother''s friend/father girlfriend not know that your mother knows about them? Sounds complicated. I don''t think I''d even be able to be in the same room with that woman, so I have to give it up to you for being so patient and forgiving.

 

[yssie]

I''d like to think I''d resist, but... if it came to the point that I felt I had to look, it would be time for a looong conversation - and I''d probably demand he give me his passwords and look through everything with him sitting right beside me.


I''m a complete nut about privacy, even when I have nothing to hide - relic from growing up, when I pretty much had none - so I''d never invade anyone else''s with or without cause. I''m not above demanding he show me if I''m suspicious, though!


So if he was cheating he''d probably get to keep going for a good long while, ''cause I just wouldn''t find out.

 

[iheartscience]

If I suspected something was up I would snoop, and I wouldn''t be shy about admitting that I snooped, either. If you find evidence why not bring it up? Cheating is much worse than snooping, in my opinion.

That said, I''m not a snooper and I don''t check my husband''s phone or e-mail account. He''s actually terrible at lying and feels overly guilty about pointless stuff, so I would probably know immediately if he cheated on me without snooping. And if I asked him to his face and he lied, I''m positive I would be able to tell.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/2/2009 6:59:17 PM
Author: Haven
It''s interesting to see how different couples deal with the phones and emails. DH and I use each others'' phones a lot, mostly because I always forget my phone at home or leave it in a pocket somewhere, so his is usually the only one we have with us.

We also use each others'' laptops a lot, too. I''ll come home and his email will be up on my computer, or vice versa. Before I had my Blackberry DH used to check my email for me a lot, too.

I''m not saying it''s good or bad to have it one way or the other, it''s just interesting to hear of the different ways we handle our cell phones and computers.

Yup, it is! For TGuy and myself, our phones are company phones. So are our computers. We did just get a family computer although it''s really HIS computer.

So since our items are work items, I guess we are used to not touching them! I don''t think things would change even with personal cell phones.

 

[Dancing Fire]

these cheating threads are so funny.

 

[Lilac]

I don''t think this would ever be an issue because DH and I look at each others'' phones, texts, emails, and computers all the time. I have nothing to hide, he has nothing to hide, and we both feel comfortable sharing whatever is in those places. The only time we ask each other not to look in our email inboxes is when we''ve bought a gift and don''t want the other to see the email confirmation

Other than that, sometimes I take his phone to make phone calls or send/read texts, and sometimes he takes mine. I don''t think either of us has thought twice about it.

 

[Dancing Fire]

i don''t understand

why you ladies worry about being cheated on? when infact women cheat more than men.

 

[KimberlyH]

I wouldn''t snoop on my current spouse, I''d just ask him, the man can''t lie to me.

I did snoop on one partner in the past, he gave me his email password, things got really fishy, I read his email and I''m so glad I did. It''s not in my nature to snoop, he was stunned when I told him.

He uses my laptop on occasion and I use his phone sometimes, if I''ve forgotten mine and need to call someone, but for the most part we don''t touch one another''s things. I stay out of his office, he doesn''t dig through my papers, etc.

 

[cara]

Date: 12/2/2009 7:44:32 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
i don't understand

why you ladies worry about being cheated on? when infact women cheat more than men.

Because I am not with a woman, I am not so worried about a woman cheating on me

But really, I'm not so worried about my man cheating either. Though the man in question did seem a little worried at my uhhh... understanding reaction to the sentiment behind Elin taking a club to Tiger's car/face (though her alleged choice of weapon was a bit over the top in appropriateness and violent potential). Husband wanted a little more forgiveness/marital charity and less clubbing for the straying Tiger. Hmmm!

I guess the other thread got me thinking!

 

[Diamond*Dana]

Yes, I would snoop if I suspected he was cheating.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 12/2/2009 8:06:35 PM
Author: cara

Date: 12/2/2009 7:44:32 PM

Author: Dancing Fire

i don''t understand

why you ladies worry about being cheated on? when infact women cheat more than men.

Because I am not with a woman, I am not so worried about a woman cheating on me

But really, I''m not so worried about my man cheating either. Though the man in question did seem a little worried at my uhhh... understanding reaction to the sentiment behind Elin taking a club to Tiger''s car/face (though her alleged choice of weapon was a bit over the top in appropriateness and violent potential). Husband wanted a little more forgiveness/marital charity and less clubbing for the straying Tiger. Hmmm!

I guess the other thread got me thinking!

Ha, I''m with you! If Tiger cheated on me, he''d be lucky if all I went after him with were a golf club and my fingernails!

 

[miraclesrule]

I am a firm proponent of investigating. What''s the point in doing nothing if confrontation ends in an inplausible denial?

Because my occupation requires me to hire investigators all the time to prove or disprove allegations, it is as natural to me as brushing my teeth.

I used one to discover that the man who I was seeing had a live-in girlfriend he neglected to tell me about....even as we were planning a trip to the Virgin Islands. I have never regretted "going with my gut" to determine whether or not it was just me being paranoid, or if my gut was correct. It was the best $65 investment I would would have ever spent, assuming I would have had to pay. I did most of the leg work myself, so I only needed the investigator to find out all people associated with the address.

Man, I love Zabasearch. It saved me from being with a chronic pathological liar.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

No, I wouldn''t look at DH''s phone. It''s private. He''s the worst liar in the world too - I could just ask him.

His biggest fear is us splitting up and him living apart from me and our baby anway, so I can''t imagine him giving me cause for suspicion.

 

[bee*]

DH and I don''t have each others passwords-we''ve told each other them in the past but we always forget so I wouldn''t snoop on his accounts. If I was worried that he was cheating, I''d ask him-he can''t lie at all.