If you suspect your partner is cheating...

[TravelingGal]

is it OK to go snooping through their phone?

TGuy and I were talking about this. Is it the lesser of two evils to do such a thing? Justified? An invasion of privacy?

I told TGuy if he were cheating, he''d get away with it for a lot longer because I would never look at his phone. And he would go through the roof if I did (especially if he WEREN''T cheating!) If I suspect it strongly enough, I''d ask him point blank and gauge his reaction...or maybe hire a private detective? Hm...

And what is WITH these people who cheat and leave traces on their phone? *If* I were to cheat, I''d go and get some pay in advance thing and use that (and keep it secret) and NOT give out my number! And if I were a celebrity (as in the current case of Tiger), I wouldn''t live dumba** messages on someone else''s phone either!

Tiger is actually the second time it''s come up in a week for us...an acquaintance of ours is getting a divorce because his wife went through his phone and found evidence of cheating.

 

[kenny]

TG, only DF and I can ask these questions. . . .

 

[CNOS128]

Maybe on some level they want to get caught? I don''t think most people are stupid enough to leave evidence on their phones, and just trust that their spouses won''t look.

 

[Erin]

I figured my ex was cheating but couldn''t prove it. I went through his phone bill. And I''d do it again. I suspected cheating, but I needed proof to leave without regret. The phone bill didn''t prove it alone, but it was the first domino. Who knows how long I would have been betrayed unless I took it upon myself to not lay back and speculate over and over. Do something about it.

 

[elrohwen]

I don't even know what I would do because with DH, it wouldn't seem weird to go through his phone. We both go into each other's emails if we need to look something up and the other isn't home. I'll even ask DH to go into his own email and check something and he'll be too lazy and tell me to just do it myself. If I picked up his phone and looked through it he wouldn't think twice; same if he want through my phone.

So I guess if he starts getting secretive about his phone or email, I'll know something is up!

However, if this kind of openness isn't a precident, it gets tricky. I think if my relationship were otherwise fine but I suspected cheating, I wouldn't snoop. But, if my relationship was already derailed for the most part and cheating would just be the nail in the coffin, why not check? If he had already broken my trust that much, I can't say I would be able to resist checking the phone. Hard to say though - basically by the time I would be checking the phone, the relationship would already be past its due date.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

TGal you are much more evolved than most of us

I think you have a healthy way of looking at it. Snooping will not stop him and is more likely to make you feel worse than better but that said I probably would. Personally I don''t see the difference of looking at his phone and hiring a detective. I hate not knowing and I hate lies.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Most shady people aren''t smart about their shadiness, and most narcissistic people (I''ve heard that TW is quite the narcissist) think they''re above reproach and an exception to every rule. The thought that what they''re doing (i.e., cheating and using their phone as a tool in cheating) probably doesn''t even come into their mind until they''ve been caught red handed.

I''m OK with checking a phone if I have a legitimate reason for doing so and I''m prepared for what I might find. For me it would be strictly to have evidence to back me up during a confrontation. But no, I would never do it for curiosity''s sake alone.

 

[steph72276]

Yep. Usually when people have that strong of a gut feeling, they are right about it. I am like Elrohen in the fact that all of our emails, fb accounts, phones, are all open to each other so if he got really secretive with any of these, I would suspect something is up and I would look. I would rather know than be in the dark.

 

[Bia]

If I suspected cheating, I would snoop, yes.

Although for me to be suspect, it''s because something is going on. Snooping would just confirm.

 

[monarch64]

Absolutely. I''m a complete snoop and it has proven me right in the past.

 

[Laila619]

I would do what I had to do to get confirmation of my suspicions, so if that meant 'snooping' then so be it. DH would probably just hand me his phone or give me access to his e-mail anyway.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/2/2009 2:49:26 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
TGal you are much more evolved than most of us

I think you have a healthy way of looking at it. Snooping will not stop him and is more likely to make you feel worse than better but that said I probably would. Personally I don''t see the difference of looking at his phone and hiring a detective. I hate not knowing and I hate lies.

Ha, no...I think in some ways I am more naive. And I''m just not a snooper. Hiring a detective is definitely an invasion of privacy, so I can see what you are saying.

When we were talking, I just said, look...if you don''t love me anymore and are attracted to someone else, please just leave me with my dignity. If you want tell me you want a divorce because you found someone you think you want to be with, but haven''t slept with, I''ll be mad but would be civil about it. If you cheat on me and then have to divorce me because I found out...well, I''ll make your life a living hell during the divorce. Take your pick!

 

[tlh]

I agree with elrohwen. My husband and I have a certain openness between us - that it would only be weird if all of a sudden he got defensive about stuff... like his phone, email - etc.

Though I dated someone once who WAS cheating on me. I sorta suspected it - because he was just OFF. It was bizarre because I stayed because I wanted to regain my power. "Queen of the castle" I called it. I somehow lost my power and it was a fight to regain it - which just made me miserable... I never checked his phone, but wished I had- because had I KNOWN he was cheating I would have left sooner... but the truth is- when you are suspecting.. you KNOW, you''re only denying it to yourself... and you should leave for other reasons anyway. Funny thing is, St Pats, he got drunk and lost his phone, and I was the last number dialed - so some nice random person called me... I drove the 40+ minutes into the city to get it and pick it up from the person. And TRACKING that person ugh that is another story. Well anywho, I had this phone and I did talk to myself and say, I shouldn''t invade his privacy... and I was going to return it to him. Well I never did go through his phone... but a girl called while I was on my 40 minute drive back out of the city- and I answered... thinking it was him seeing if anyone had found his phone. It wasn''t weird until she got all freaked out that HIS GIRLFRIEND answered the phone and hung up on me- in a panic. I didn''t call her back or anything - I just returned the phone and asked "Who is XXX and why did she hang up on me?" to which I got a bunch of BS.... so speaking w/ the years of experience... now I''d go through it now, and dump the jerk. I WISH WISH WISH I had gone through the phone, because I would have found pictures of him having relations w/ random chicks on there... and left him MONTHS earlier.

So again - yes, there is a certain aspect of privacy- and respect you give your spouse. Everyone''s barriers are different.. but if you are seriously thinking they are being unfaithful, and you aren''t a jealous and insecure person who reads something from nothing all the time, SOMETHING is going on... and being a person who learns from their past mistakes, I think I was SUPPOSED to have gone through his phone that night - and didn''t. It was my fate to find out in MARCH- what took me until JUNE to be told about by another person. UGh. Dumping him was easy, a divorce would be much messier - and I''d want to be PREPARED for that divorce too.... maybe let them think I''m still unsuspecting so that I can hide away some money- before I ambush.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 12/2/2009 3:01:05 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 12/2/2009 2:49:26 PM

Author: Tacori E-ring

TGal you are much more evolved than most of us

I think you have a healthy way of looking at it. Snooping will not stop him and is more likely to make you feel worse than better but that said I probably would. Personally I don''t see the difference of looking at his phone and hiring a detective. I hate not knowing and I hate lies.

Ha, no...I think in some ways I am more naive. And I''m just not a snooper. Hiring a detective is definitely an invasion of privacy, so I can see what you are saying.


When we were talking, I just said, look...if you don''t love me anymore and are attracted to someone else, please just leave me with my dignity. If you want tell me you want a divorce because you found someone you think you want to be with, but haven''t slept with, I''ll be mad but would be civil about it. If you cheat on me and then have to divorce me because I found out...well, I''ll make your life a living hell during the divorce. Take your pick!

I am not naturally a snooper either but the gut is rarely wrong. I have never been cheated on (to my knowledge) but I have had my fair share of other betrayals. I find most people slip when they are lying or living a double life. They get cocky when they have gotten away with something and stop covering everything up. Having proof of cheating can be beneficial in a settlement. In NC the guilty party cannot get any alimony. Something for those who suspect adultery to think about.

 

[Circe]

If I thought I was being cheated on, I would investigate. I''m a big believer in the punishment fitting the crime: shady behavior engenders shady behavior! Anyone who cheats and then gets huffy about having their e-mail read is a) insane, and b) desperately searching for something, anything to distract from their behavior.

That said, my husband and I are in possession of all of one another''s passwords, etc., and a sudden burst of secrecy on either part would probably be an instant tip-off, more so than sappy e-mails or messages.

As for why people do it so stupidly? I''m guessing no one goes into it thinking "I am going to CHEAT." They probably think they''re just getting to know this person they like ... and talking some more ... and by the time it gets that far, they''ve developed the habit of comfort.

People can be damned stupid sometimes ... both for the cheating itself, and in how they carry it out!

 

[Aloros]

I think there''s a line to be walked here, as there is with nearly everything else. I think for most people, if they suspect cheating, and they check their partner''s phone, it''s generally just to get a solid confirmation of what they''ve suspected. I think most of the time, if a person gets to that point, their partner IS cheating. And in these cases, it''s important to get "evidence" because oftentimes the partner will deny it, leading to more confusion and anguish.

And then there''s the other side of the spectrum - the chronically suspicious person. I was on another messageboard a couple years back, and this girl was checking her bf''s phone, analyzing what shirt he was wearing, trying to keep count of how many condoms they had... it was ridiculous. None of his behavior sounded suspicious, even filtered through her, but she couldn''t let it go. If you make it a regular part of your schedule to check through your partner''s phone, you probably have larger issues at hand that should be addressed.

For my part, my DH isn''t particularly protective of his phone, his email, his facebook, etc. I have his passwords (sometimes we check our emails for one another). I could look through them if I ever felt like it, but I haven''t bothered. If I really thought he was cheating? Yeah, I''d check ''em. But I''d really have to have a good reason.

And what IS with these celebrities? Sometimes my stepson moans about tattle-tales, or complains about me putting 2 and 2 together to see that he broke a rule, but as I''ve said to him...if you do something wrong, you should expect to get caught! Especially if you''re a celebrity. Well, I don''t say that last part, but you know...

 

[Shoopy]

Well, IMO women should really give their intuition more credit. If you suspect, then you probably don''t even need to go through the phone.

But if the woman did go through the phone and did find something, at the end of the day I think its a "moo" point (a la Joey

). He can argue that she should not have gone through his phone but it doesn''t change the fact that there was something to see.

FI and I have full access to everything. He often uses my phone (I have internet) so I would imagine he comes across messages because of the way my blackberry is set up. We also have passwords to everything. We don''t use it often (if ever) but its available if we felt the need.

Personally speaking, if you even suspect infidelity and you were wrong, it''s still a sign that something is wrong in the relationship.

 

[somethingshiny]

I agree about the phone being conspicuous evidence and I''ve always said that a track-phone would be the way to go for anyone with half a brain. Unfortunately, a friend of mine just found out her DH has a track phone. Now, all I can think is that he''s using it for inappropriate purposes.

To answer the question: If I suspected, yes I would go through his phone. However, it is not uncommon for either of us to grab the other''s phone if theirs is handier than our own.

I do believe in gut feelings. DH hasn''t cheated on me, but when he''s screwed up in other ways, I know even before I can confirm it. If someone really feels the need to look through a phone or other "private" things, they already know they''re going to find something.

 

[anchor31]

Well, if DH or myself were to cheat, we''d have to be extra careful with covering our tracks, because we constantly use each other''s phones and email accounts, and go through each other''s bills when we do our finances. We don''t have that much "privacy" in our marriage, neither do we feel the need to. We have nothing to hide. Bottom line, I''m not sure if snooping is even possible in my case?

 

[trillionaire]

FI and I don''t hide things from one another, and he has full access to my phone, email and FB accounts, as I do for him. I don''t snoop in his things because I wouldn''t want him to snoop in mine, and neither of us has any reason to. However, if I suspected something was amiss, I would look. I would not be so naive as to believe that having access to someone''s information means that you will only us it when they want you to, or when you know about it. Access = trust. If all it would take to validate that I am trustworthy is to let FI look through my phone and emails, well, easy peasy. By all means, have fun! The bigger problem is the breakdown of trust if there was no indiscretion, but there is a lot of snooping. IMO, then, you still have things to work out in your relationship...

 

[kenny]

In a way it must be nice to be a married celebrity or politician since the media keeps your SO honest - OR ELSE!

Really, can you imagine how much it would cost to pay for a team of private investigators to follow your spouse everywhere with cameras 24 hours a day, 7 days a week - the first one who can report a story getting a $50,000 bonus?

Getting paid big bucks ONLY if you are the first one to find some dirt is a huge motivation to do a very good job.

 

[sba771]

My mom was too honest to a fault, would never even open my dad's mail let alone check his phone- he was cheating on her for over 15 years. Yes she was naive, but apparently everyone else we knew was too as no one saw it coming. Despite this I actually don't open my FI's mail or look through his phone, but if I had a feeling in my gut I sure would.

 

[monarch64]

I find it funny that people think because they share email accounts or they have their partner''s email passwords that that means everything is on the up-and-up. It is exceedingly easy to create however many random email accounts and use those if you want to hide things from your partner. I mean...come on. The phone thing? Easy as well--delete any evidence as it occurs.
Yep, I''m a cynical, jaded biotch.

 

[janinegirly]

I gotta admit i''d def look. I''m a big snoop and my curiousity has gotten me in a lot of trouble!
Not proud of it, but still, the way I look at it if you''re married and nothing to hide, what''s the big deal? I wouldn''t care if DH looked at my phone..it''s very boring.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 12/2/2009 4:05:08 PM
Author: monarch64
I find it funny that people think because they share email accounts or they have their partner''s email passwords that that means everything is on the up-and-up. It is exceedingly easy to create however many random email accounts and use those if you want to hide things from your partner. I mean...come on. The phone thing? Easy as well--delete any evidence as it occurs.
Yep, I''m a cynical, jaded biotch.

Well, I can only snoop what I know about!

Just because we''re open about stuff like that doesn''t mean I would turn a blind eye if DH was being suspicious in other ways. I only brought it up because I couldn''t answer TGal''s question about snooping if I was already allowed access to his accounts and phone.

 

[Callisto]

Date: 12/2/2009 3:49:06 PM
Author: trillionaire
FI and I don''t hide things from one another, and he has full access to my phone, email and FB accounts, as I do for him. I don''t snoop in his things because I wouldn''t want him to snoop in mine, and neither of us has any reason to. However, if I suspected something was amiss, I would look. I would not be so naive as to believe that having access to someone''s information means that you will only us it when they want you to, or when you know about it. Access = trust. If all it would take to validate that I am trustworthy is to let FI look through my phone and emails, well, easy peasy. By all means, have fun! The bigger problem is the breakdown of trust if there was no indiscretion, but there is a lot of snooping. IMO, then, you still have things to work out in your relationship...

SO and I are the same way. We both have full access to each other''s stuff. I don''t have anything I would hide from him, not worth it.

 

[Lauren8211]

I snooped once. I snooped because I knew I was right. It was confirmation. I had asked him SEVERAL times and received lies... likely for years.

If I truly suspect an SO is cheating, to the point where I have to search his phone, the trust is already broken at that point, so what difference will snooping make? Snooping would either prove my suspicions, or make me realize I was batshiz crazy and that me and my SO need to do some SERIOUS work on our communication. Or maybe I just need therapy.

I''d never snoop unless I''d asked straight out, and still had SERIOUS suspicions. I know the red flags now, so DH would never have a chance.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 12/2/2009 4:27:26 PM
Author: elrohwen

Date: 12/2/2009 4:05:08 PM
Author: monarch64
I find it funny that people think because they share email accounts or they have their partner''s email passwords that that means everything is on the up-and-up. It is exceedingly easy to create however many random email accounts and use those if you want to hide things from your partner. I mean...come on. The phone thing? Easy as well--delete any evidence as it occurs.
Yep, I''m a cynical, jaded biotch.

Well, I can only snoop what I know about!

Just because we''re open about stuff like that doesn''t mean I would turn a blind eye if DH was being suspicious in other ways. I only brought it up because I couldn''t answer TGal''s question about snooping if I was already allowed access to his accounts and phone.

Oh, true. And I''m making a very general statement not directed at anyone in this thread...it''s just a common response to this type of thing and it makes me wonder how often people totally get away with cheating because people take so much at face value.

The funny thing is that I know several people who have pseudo-email addresses, if you will...and every "alias" is very similar. Screennames for dating sites...also very similar.

 

[steph72276]

Date: 12/2/2009 4:05:08 PM
Author: monarch64
I find it funny that people think because they share email accounts or they have their partner''s email passwords that that means everything is on the up-and-up. It is exceedingly easy to create however many random email accounts and use those if you want to hide things from your partner. I mean...come on. The phone thing? Easy as well--delete any evidence as it occurs.

Yep, I''m a cynical, jaded biotch.

True, but my husband leaves his phone out all the time and I grab it and get on the internet. If he all of a sudden started being protective over it, it would raise a giant red flag. I also have access to all money accounts, so it would be hard to do get away with anything in that respect. Everything is done through our debit cards, so if all of a sudden he started making unaccounted for cash withdrawals on a regular basis, that would raise a red flag as well. At some point, you have to trust your partner or get out of the relationship, but I wouldn''t go out of my way to make it easier for the person to cheat by not being involved in finances, etc.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 12/2/2009 4:56:32 PM
Author: monarch64
The funny thing is that I know several people who have pseudo-email addresses, if you will...and every ''alias'' is very similar. Screennames for dating sites...also very similar.

Some people are apparently not very bright! Haha