I want to strangle the MOH

[Rose-E]

Ok, so I'm a bridesmaid and I want to strangle the MOH because she is making everything about her instead of the bride and no matter what I say, she turns it into my personal stab at her when all I'm doing is thinking of the bride. Please talk me off the roof.
Here's the scenerio: First of all, the MOH doesn't want to get her nails done her her hair done with the bride and the rest of the bridesmaids. She refused to go dress shopping with the bride because of the drive and actually asked the bride to buy her the bridesmaid dress (she would pay back) so that she can get the sale price.
Now, the plan for the bachlorette party was to go pole dancing, dinner and then clubbing. Great. Neer been pole dancing before, not really what I'm into but if that's what the bride wants to do then cool...right? Wrong. Apparently the MOH went with some other friends this weekend and was very uncomfortable about it and refuses to go for the bachlorette party. "She'll meet us later for the rest of the festivities". Oh and she doesn't want to set it up anymore now either and is passing that part of the responsibilities to the other bridesmaids. I don't understand, is she implying that the rest of us would feel right at home on a pole? I wanted her to at least let the bride know that she is not going to be there before the day so she is well aware and won't be upset. (she's the type of bride that wouldn't mind if warned ahead of time). Now there's this big emails train going back and forth and it's making me feel like i look like bridesmaidsilla!!!
Ugh!

 

[Winks_Elf]

It honestly sounds like the MOH is very jealous of the bride, and unless the bride is Mother Teresa, there is BOUND to be some kind of a blowup soon. Are you able to or prepared to step up and become MOH of the bride asks you to? Sounds to me like that MOH is the type to find an excuse to quit the wedding at a very bad time.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Oh, forgot to ask...by any chance is the MOH related to the bride?

 

[Rose-E]

No she's not related. Actually was kinda out of the blue that she chose this person as the MOH. Her best of friend lives in Virginia and was pregers (just had her baby actuallY) so she couldn't do it. I am across the country as well in an internship that is sucking my life away. The last bridesmaid is in town and has picked up a lot of the slack. She wasn't the MOH becuase bride and her have had years of Love/HATE relationship. This MOH was in her high school class (that's where most of us met but the rest of us were in different years) and I knew nothing of her until just a few years ago when she suddenly started hanging out with our group of friends.

Forgot to add that the MOH refused to drive up to meet MOB to look at and have lunch at the venue for the surprise bridal shower because she was already going out to dinner with friends and didn't want to go out twice for food. Bridesmaid #3 had to do it for her. (BTW, the bridesmaid #3 is my MOH.) I just want to tell her off so bad and just tell her that not everything is about her and her convenience and her comfort, but instead I'm venting here.

Ugh!

 

[Winks_Elf]

Calling her out on her less-than-supportive MOH behavior may result in her just exploding and using it as an excuse to quit the wedding. How long until the wedding?

 

[TooPatient]

Did she give any reason for not doing her hair/nails with the rest of you? (maybe she can't afford to have this done and is too embarrassed to say anything?)

The dress shopping is pretty tacky. The only possible "excuse" I can think of is that maybe she is unable to afford the gas for the long drive or is super busy with work/school/sick-kids that she genuinely can't make the drive. (I do think she should do whatever she has to do to make it for this though)

As for the party, I do think it is reasonable for her to not go to the pole dancing if she is uncomfortable with it BUT I do think she should be letting the bride know ahead of time (and re-assuring her that she'll be there for the rest of the evening and hopes the bride has a fun time dancing).


(you might also check out the BWW section to see how others have dealt with (or put up with) MOH challenges)

 

[luv2sparkle]

Is the bride upset by this behavior? It is possible that there are reasons she couldn't do some of these things. If they are not all
that close, maybe it was just not the best choice on the brides part.

I don't think you should be offended because she doesn't want to go pole dancing with the group because she is uncomfortable.

I think you should take a deep breath and try to let it all go. It sounds like you have enough on your plate with your own wedding
to get to overly involved with the drama with this girl. You want to make everything perfect for your friend but sometimes that is
just not possible. It was after all, her pick for this girl to be MOH.

 

[iugurl]

I am sure there are other things going on (attitude, snarkiness, other "incidents). So I don't mean to "take her side" but from the post alone, I don't really see one thing that is really that bad.

1. Hair and Nails- maybe she can't afford to go. Maybe she has really difficult hair and wants to go to her own hairdresser. Maybe she could afford to go, but her hairdresser charges 1/2 of what the brides hairdresser does, and simply doesn't WANT to pay double.

2. Dress shopping - one of my bm's didn't go dress shopping. I went with the other 2 and picked out the dress. I told the other bm the style and color, and she went alone a few weeks later. No big deal. Again, perhaps she couldn't afford the gas. Maybe she couldn't get off of work on the particular day you guys all went or even the whole week that the dress was on sale, therefore she asked you guys to get it while it was on sale, and then she would immediately pay you back. Assuming she paid for it that day or a few days after, I don't see the problem.

3. Pole dancing - There are SO many reasons why she may not want to do this - religion, morals, self confidence. If she feels fat, ugly, bad at dancing whatever, she could feel so uncomfortable.

Yes, she should tell the bride that she is not coming, but I am confused about what she refuses to tell the bride. Does she refuse to tell the bride she won't show up for the first portion? You said "she is not going to be there before the day" so was she supposed to come the day before?

As a bride, I had major issues with a bm. If someone heard a few things alone, without any other information, they might not "see" what was really going on. So, I totally get that this MOH may be a total pain in the butt, just from these few sentences, I don't see it.

 

[Bunny007]

You said the bride's choice of MOH was kind of out of the blue, and you listed other friends better-qualified but less-available; Do you think maybe MOH was just as surprised as you were about being picked? Maybe she's not really into it but felt obligated to accept since it seems clear that no one else was available. Just a thought.

FWIW, I don' t think bowing out of the pole dancing was offensive in itself.

 

[Rose-E]

ok...ok, I feel better and didn't reply to her to make things worse or anything. Thanks everyone.

I now also feel quite a bit defensive now as well. No, the hair and nails thing isn't about money. She's getting her nails done the day before and her hair done by her cousin instead. She doesn't want to drive out. The dirve isn't about money either. She just doesn't like to drive. She usually only goes places if someone will drive her. In this case, none of us live by her at all. No, I have zero problems with her not wanting to go pole dancing. That part is totally understandable. That wasn't the point. The point was that she didn't want to tell the bride. bachlorette party stuff is a surprise to the bride. She doesn't even know the plans. The MOH just mentioned to her that she happened to be going with some friends and Bride mentioned that it would be fun.

I talked it out with the bride. She actually told me that she wished she hadn't asked the MOH at all, she knew MOH wasn't that girly, but didn't realize how much she wouldn't be into these things. I say if you didn't want the job, maybe she shouldn't have agreed to it. Bride is super cool though and said as long as the rest of us were playing the girly thing with her, she's happy.