I took off the promise ring...

[cherry_vanilla]

I don''t know why, but lately just seeing my promise ring would bother me so much. I don''t know if it''s because I''ve always viewed promise rings as something for high schoolers or to shut a girl up who''s yapping about a ring after 6 months or so, or I''m not handling my boyfriend bring up engagement/wedding/marriage stuff literally every day. Just yesterday he was telling me that he can take a guest into the employee discount room (I mentioned in SMTR that now he''s working as contract-to-hire at Tiffany) and how there''s a number of rings in there he think I''ll love, for example. It''s not that I feel the relationship is failing or I want out, but that the stagnation of "pre-engagement" and the constant reminder of that is starting to wear me down and it''s only been a few months. I don''t even want to think about how I''m going to last until next summer (his aim for proposing) with him constantly bringing it up, or getting through the summer/end of year engagement floods with the remaining friends of ours that aren''t engaged yet.

So I took it off, and I don''t really even miss it. That sounds horrible, but it''s kind of nice for it not to smack into things, and it was "hollow" inside so it wasn''t terribly comfortable. My boyfriend noticed yesterday, and he felt bad that a gift he got me was making me unsettled and upset. i guess the idea of a promise ring to remind me that he intends to propose doesn''t really help when he tells me about it all the time, and how much longer I have to wait.

We have pre-pre-marital counseling next week, so hopefully that''ll help a bit. I just need to learn to suck it up and deal and not care it''s going to be something I just need to ignore for the next 16+ months.

 

[zhuzhu]

For what is worth you are not alone. I have a beautiful promise ring and I LOVE IT. However seeing it and thinking of what I really look forward to can get me feeling unsettled too - when I feel insecure. It is however not men''s fault though. I think our expectation to be engaged/married to the ones we love can get the better of us. Just cool it and do something you really enjoy to distract you from the anxious thoughts. I also find thinking of his great qualities help me in being more patient. Focus/treasure the present instead of the near future..... Great things all come in their own time.....

Hope that helps!

 

[Miscka]

I think I would have done the same thing. I am thinking summer 08 too....and whenever he brings it up I get frustrated knowing its far away.
he works at Tiffany''s? That may just make it worth the wait!! Hang in there....

 

[snogirl17]

I know what you mean.. I actually have 2 promise rings. One i dropped and the diamond fell out and they didn''t think they would be able to fix it so he bought another one and the original was fixed. But I got the first one, about 3 years ago. here i am still waiting. I love the rings, but i just feel ok, enough already. I did stop wearing them for a while, he noticed and kind of got offended i think. I think he feels like if i wear them i am some how spoken for... who knows.. arhhhhhgggg!

 

[cherry_vanilla]

Thanks everyone, it REALLY helps to know I''m not the only one who feels uncomfortable wearing a promise ring to "kill time" before he proposes. We''ve been together 3 years so far, it''ll be well over 4 by his timeline which while isn''t crazy long, it''s also by no means rushing (especially given the fact that most of our friends met, got engaged and married in less time than it''s going to take for us to just get engaged) I know I don''t really even want to get engaged soon-soon since thanks to grad school it doesn''t make sense to get married until late 2009/early 2010, but him bringing up wedding and marriage stuff so often is just wearing me down.

I know one of the big reasons I got a promise ring was so that I''d be visibly "off the market" - I go to a school that''s 80% male and while I don''t think I''m attractive enough to get hit on, my boyfriend I guess does like knowing I had a ring to keep guys away in the first place. I have a lab internship out of state this summer where I am the only girl in the program, I told him I''ll wear it again for that but I really do feel alot less anxious and unsettled without wearing it, so I''m not so sure that''ll happen either. The whole "reminder I''m going to get you a real ring" is moot if you''re reminded every day about it

Re: Tiffany''s, I really hope he''s not planning on getting my ring from there. Namely, because even with an employee discount everything is still going to be insanely out of his price range and he''d be much better off ordering custom from one of the online vendors (since he wants to make sure it''s conflict free, and Tiffany is one of the only in-store places you can guarantee that for) If he''s aiming for a Tiffany ring, I doubt he''ll be able to afford one before 2013 or something short of getting something from the discontinued items sections of the employee store, and I doubt they''re going to put any engagement rings in there ever

 

[Miscka]

Have you asked him to talk about it less? Told him it makes you anxious, even though you are looking forward to it? Silly Tiffany''s markup...but if he works there, he has good taste? He is also probably reminded of it all the time, seeing all the ring shoppers, and maybe that is why he brings it up. I am sure he doesnt realize he''s upsetting you. That is what I always tell myself when my bf does something that bothers me, haha. You will make the right decision re: the promise ring when the summer program starts.

 

[cherry_vanilla]

We''re going for pre-pre-marital counseling tomorrow so I''m really hoping this will work out alot of these pesky issues. I did mention for him to bring it up less as of this weekend (as I mentioned in a thread from last month, this actually started when after losing the job that preluded Tiffany''s he slipped he was worried about not being able to afford a ring for me which was a total shock, so this has been going on for about a month now) but we haven''t had much time together to show that he''s making an effort - we just went out to dinner with his folks for the first time since he started, so of course his mom was going on and on about diamond stuff and how one day I''m going to "need" to know all this stuff, me saying it''s definitely not worth the money, then both he and his mom saying I''m going to need to upgrade my jewelry from $15 stuff from Target HINTHINT, etc etc

Actually, his job is far less glamorous than I think you are all figuring - he does internal tech support so while he''s in an office with a retail store and of course the place is decked out with fancy jewelry/metalworking displays, it''s really just any other tech support job helping people network to printers and reset passwords. It was pretty much just where his contract agency had a opening in the area, it just happened to be the absolute best/worst place for a LIW''s boyfriend

 

[snogirl17]

the thing that i cant stand is people looking at it and saying, oh you are engaged? I am like no, not yet.. this is just a promise ring.. that sounds so highschool to me. Either way i have it on today and i just keep hoping my day comes when i can say yes i am engaged

 

[cherry_vanilla]

Fortunately, my ring looked nothing like a traditional engagement ring (not a solitaire, no diamonds, etc) so the only people who ever asked about it were my orthodontist and the receptionist there.

My main reason though for bumping my thread (aka my vent space) is to say that we didn''t get to go to our appointment because I got really sick last week and since we were new patients and canceled the day of, the therapist now refuses to see us (wtf?) so back to searching for someone in network that has night hours. I really hope we can find one soon, I guess the frustration comes and goes but tonight just by checking the forums, seeing the latest round of weekend engagements made me feel so sad.

This weekend we were in the city, and he wanted to check out the Tiffany flagship store and stop by the diamond district but I was like "no we can''t, we''ll bore [my sister and her friends who were with us]" since I couldn''t give the real reason lest my sister leak to my mom. We really need to get into that therapy pronto

 

[emilina22]

my promise ring looks like an engagement ring and i get asked all the time...and i did get mine in highschool...i dunno why people think its dumb to have one...its about the meaning behind it..sure getting asked if im getting married isnt always something i want to awnser but its something i have to put up with...i perosnally never ever take mine off but that my personal choice...the ring does not define my relationship but i know he put alot of though and time into it and i will cherish it as if it were my engagement ring....i guess we both grew up in very oldschool families and we didnt any dont wear jewelery execpt for my ring...and i think that if he cared and did all he could to get me this ring im gonna wear it and be pround adn if were going through something that we will have to sit it out and work through it and i dont think by taking your ring off your proving anything...

didnt mean to offend any one if i did im sorry