I need kid advice.

[amc80]

I don't think there is a problem setting aside money for just one child.

You are not the parents, and guess what, life isn't fair...

If a child was amazing at football, or singing etc then no-one would expect that all the siblings should be included on a football team or in the band to make them feel better.

My husband won a prestigious scholarship to his high-school. His brothers didn't, in fact 2 didn't even get awarded a place. My husband was just more academic and brighter than them.

My parents paid for my youngest sister to go to one of the top private schools in the UK, I won a place at a selective school, but not on a par and a fraction of the price of this school. I don't feel in the least bit resentful or upset.

I would keep the money in a separate account and only mention it when the subject of applying to college comes up.

I agree with this post. Kenny, what you want to do is awesome. Don't feel badly about only wanting to help the one kid. Better to do something amazing for this one kid than nothing for all of the kids.

 

[partgypsy]

Helping one child over another happens all the time. Often it is via being a godparent. My grandfather had a friend who never married, no kids, who said if my mom named her son his name, was going to make him an heir and help with his schooling costs. My mom happend to hate the name so it didn't happen!

I can imagine saying something like you and your so have no children, but you would like to treat this nephew as a son or a godson, and help with his educational expenses. I would certainly present it as a decision you are making as a couple.

Since environment and peer experiences plays such a big part on success, money is not as important as exposing this kid to other experiences he may not have a chance to, to see there are other options for success in life.

The way that 529s work, is they have the donor, and the person whose name it is under. the money can only be taken out for educational costs. Because of that, if A does not go to college the money can be shifted to B.

But personally, I don't feel you have a responsibility to fund all the kids' education, just because you are helping one kid out. By helping out one kid you are freeing up resources for the remaining kids.

 

[kenny]

Wow I am so grateful to all of you for all of this excellent advice.
I realize many of you are parents and you've given me insight into many subtle angles I had not considered.

I see there is no one one simple answer but I do recognize I need to speak up more.
I'm very respecting of people (especially of how parents are with their own kids) even when they do things I think is not cool.
I need to step up to the plate, confident that I have something important to offer this kid.

As mentioned, this kid's main challenge is the lack of drive and the hopelessness of the six adults in a home in the middle of a ghetto.
It's easy to point fingers when you are raised in a home and culture where the parents had not given up because there IS hope.
There certainly IS some of that . . . "Don't even bother trying to break into the exclusive world of the rich white people" in that home.

This is exactly why my SO moved hundreds of miles away long ago.
Even when he was in high school he found a way to get sent to the white high school across town.
Somehow he got the message that you can improve yourself and education, while not a guarantee, is one of the best keys to a better life.
Let me QUICKLY add that this family is full of millionaires when it comes to love and caring.
I am deeply humbled that they have completely accepted me (an introverted, geeky, gay, white, upper-income atheist) into their family.

The first couple of times we visited them around 10 years ago I insisted we stay at a rather nice hotel on the opposite side of town.
Today I understand how hurtful that was to them.
Now we stay at their house where adults insist on sleeping on the floor so we can have a bed.
These people would give us the shirts off their backs.

Funny you mention buying the boy books.
I have done that via Amazon, but was careful to ship them to his mom's name.
My instinct was to avoid even the appearance that anything private was going on between the kid and I.

BTW, when I walk our dogs I avoid walking next to the playground of the nearby school.
When I mentioned this to a straight friend he said, "Yeah, I do the same thing. Straights are paranoid of false accusations too."

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

Wonderful gesture. Giving to the one boy is just fine. Set up a 529 account and you don't even have to mention it yet. One person does not have to be deprived because you can't give to all. I hope you enjoy this.
Annette

 

[iLander]

BTW, when I walk our dogs I avoid walking next to the playground of the nearby school.
When I mentioned this to a straight friend he said, "Yeah, I do the same thing. Straights are paranoid of false accusations too."

I'm sorry that you have to do this Kenny, but considering the potential for whacko accusations, I can understand it. I agree with what your friend said too, even straight guys have to be careful, now more than ever.

Sounds like a wonderful family, BTW.