I need kid advice.

[kenny]

My SO's brother recently got married and his wife brought a 10-year old into the family.
I like this kid a lot and he has told his mom, and me, that he thinks I'm awesome.
My SO and I have stayed at their house and he, his mom and dad at ours.

He is extreeeeemely intelligent.
He is not a normal 10 year old.
He converses like an adult.
He is VERY inquisitive, gets straight As in an advanced program at public school.
When he's around me he latches onto me like a mosquito and asks me zillions of questions about everything.
I teach him stuff and he just can't get enough.
(Forgive me but I think I'm pretty intelligent too, regardless of what a butthead I am on PS.)

He lives in a tiny house in a very poor ghetto neighborhood with his grandparents, mom, dad, two step sisters, uncle, aunt and their 2 kids.
I know his Grandpa, my SO's dad, didn't graduate from grade school.
Few of the adults in the house graduated from high school.
Most are unemployed, on welfare or disability or work odd jobs as farm workers and such.
My SO is the star of the family.

I struggle with this but I want to help this kid to do better than his family.
Is this arrogant or bigoted of me?

I am very close with the family which is a wonderful family in spite of it all.
Latino families are full of love and support for each other - I could learn a lot from them.
I was thinking of setting up a college fund or something for the boy.
I worry some adults in the family may take this the wrong way (like I'm trying to make him white, or interfere, or that I think I'm better than them, or that they can't raise their own boy) and the other kids in the family may feel slighted.

Lastly, I hate that I have to bring this up but it's an elephant in the living room to some.
I'm a gay man and zillions of folks still think gays are likely to be pedophiles.
Nobody in the family has given off any vibes whatsoever regarding this but if I start treating the boy in any way differently than the other kids in the family I'm worried it may raise some eyebrows, totally unwarranted, but there it is.

Help.

 

[decodelighted]

Who are "the other kids" in the family? That does seem to be a problem to me -- sense of fairness. Maybe the other kids could do better w/special attention & $$$.

Could you set up an educational trust for him that you'd contribute to but couldn't be touched for other purposes?

 

[Enerchi]

My thought as I started reading your story was how WONDERFUL you are to want to give this young boy the opportunity of education and a wide open future - what a self less thing to offer a child! You are very VERY special to do that for him - I applaud your generosity!!!
Then... I felt sad that you would even think being a gay man wanting to help a child, would cause others to think in a suspicious way. That feels so unfair and harsh. It is just a shame that the thought is there. my heart went out to you when I read that last paragraph, Kenny

As a parent, I would want all of my children to be treated fairly. Could you set up a fund (as Deco suggested) for each child - with education being the stipulation - and that if the other's choose not to further their education, it can be transferred to the other siblings? I have ZERO idea how to do that, but it would minimize the "he liked me best" issue if all were given the same thing. OR -could you set up a trust that is specific to this boy and no one but you and SO know of it and when he expresses interest in college/university, you could then offer this fund as a means to pay his tuition?

Good luck. I'm sure you will do what works best for you and SO's family

 

[mary poppins]

I think it's great that you want to help this kid get a good education and reach his potential.
There are other ways you can support and encourage him that don't involve establishing a fund.
For example, you can find advanced or challenging courses or activities that suit his interests, expose him to the arts, take him to visit a college campus, review a college catalog with him so he is aware that there are a variety of interesting subjects and career options, find out about extracurricular activities or clubs, get him involved in tutoring other children, read and discuss books, go to museums, have him meet someone who works in a field he shows an interest in. You can do these activities with the other kids also, so they won't feel slighted.
As far as the money part, you can volunteer to pay for the activities. Also, you can research scholarship opportunities / find out what activities are valued for scholarships and help him get involved in them.

 

[amc80]

I don't really see anything wrong with wanting to do something special for this one child. You obviously have formed a bond with him, and I don't think that should go ignored. I do like the idea of supporting him in a mentor sort of way....sort of like the Big Brother program. Maybe you could set up a special account and when/if the time comes, offer to help out with educational expenses, rather than making it public right now.

 

[kenny]

In all there are 9 kids of equal rank that I'd have to set up college saving accounts for.
Frankly, none of the other eight show a tenth the promise of this kid.
Fairness and equality are wonderful things, but clearly kids vary too, and funds are not unlimited.

I'd rather the one gets into the best school possible than all 9 get an AA at the local Podunk community college.

I'm not being a flippant jerk.
I'm truly truly in need of feedback on this.
I am clueless about families and kids.

Maybe the idea of just saving secretly for the next 7 years and seeing how it goes is the best way.
But then I think this kid would not get the extra motivation of knowing someone he looks up to recognized something special and wonderful in him.
One adult, a teacher, did that for me when I was his age.
No money was put aside but right in front of the class she looked in my eyes and said, "You're going to shine."
Those four little words remains my best childhood memory, and made all the difference in the world to me since my family was full of hopelessness and trouble.

This is really difficult.

Oh, BTW their family lives a full day's drive away from us.

 

[mogster]

I suppose in this situation, I would let SO take the lead because you did say that he is the star of the family and so perhaps the idea would be more well-received because of this. When the parents and child are over to your house and the child's academics come up, SO could commend him for his efforts and discuss the possibility of him attending college, assess their reaction, and then bring up the college fund. This way it'd be more private (as opposed to announcing it in front of the entire family) and you wouldn't feel obligated to offer everyone in the family a college fund (if that wasn't your original intention).

 

[swingirl]

I think it's great that you want to help this kid get a good education and reach his potential.
There are other ways you can support and encourage him that don't involve establishing a fund.
For example, you can find advanced or challenging courses or activities that suit his interests, expose him to the arts, take him to visit a college campus, review a college catalog with him so he is aware that there are a variety of interesting subjects and career options, find out about extracurricular activities or clubs, get him involved in tutoring other children, read and discuss books, go to museums, have him meet someone who works in a field he shows an interest in. You can do these activities with the other kids also, so they won't feel slighted.
As far as the money part, you can volunteer to pay for the activities. Also, you can research scholarship opportunities / find out what activities are valued for scholarships and help him get involved in them.

I agree.

Showing favoritism can cause the child a life time of resentment from his siblings so I'd be very careful about that. You don't want to damage his family relationships. But spending time with him and enriching his life experience is the best gift you can give. When he's in high school you can help him apply for college admission and scholarships and he should have no trouble getting funds for his education. If you feel you can afford it, put aside some money for him in your own account (kept separate) and then you'll have control of it and no one needs to know it's there. You can write out a tuition payment or send a check for textbooks if the opportunity comes up without obligating yourself this far in advance.

You are a good person to want to do this. Sounds like this child will benefit a lot from you in his family.

 

[movie zombie]

what does your SO think/say about this?

i'd start there.

 

[iLander]

The biggest thing you can do for the child is give him information.

I've gone through the public school system, and I've put my kids through private school, and the difference between them, especially when it comes to college counseling, is HUGE. The private schools systematically teach the kids how to apply, when to apply and how to take advantage of all the breaks (AP exams, early acceptance, junior year testing, etc.,) In my area, public schools just hand out brochures and tell them to show up for the SAT when they are seniors. Before he starts high school, find him a college counselor (I always thought this would make a great business) and meet with them. Then again, every few months take him to meet the counselor, to keep his classes/electives selection on track.

OR you can find him a good private school. Almost every private school gives out need-based scholarships to bright students. In my area, they take an exam and the highest scores "win". I hate to say it, but the fact that he is not a WASP is Hugely in his favor. Start him early, even 6th or 7th grade. This will make all the difference, because he will be in a peer group that is geared toward college. I don't know how your public schools are, but the kids in our area are just lucky to graduate. In the teen years, when peers have more influence than parents, this will be the deciding factor for him. Call around, don't hesitate to call the snootiest private school that you can find.

OR you can find an international baccelaurate (sp?) program for him in a public school. These are usually exam-based programs and only the brightest get in. But some are very overcrowded, but it's better than some public schools and even better than most charter schools.

Then, when he is in a good high school, on the right track, you can start worrying about college. The VAST majority of colleges give heaps of aid to poor students, so tuition is usually not a big deal. If you'd like to get an idea, you can google this; (the name of a college) and "net price calculator". It's an online calculator that all colleges have to have so that you can figure out their true cost after factoring in grades, SAT scores, financial aid needed, etc. Very handy.

You can step in with books, dorm, and food. That will set you back about $10- $12,000 a year in today's dollars.

Properly educating a child is the toughest thing a parent can do. Welcome to our world.

 

[Mayk]

Could you start a fund the has " intentions". Then guide and mentor... When the time is right and his promise is shinning through... Present a portion as a gift to get him started and each year for a reward for grades provide more of the funds... Spread out the love...

Nice gesture Kenny...very warm... I like!

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Showing him that he can do better, that he can go to college, become a scientist/artist/business leader/whatever he dream, that there is more to life than his neighbourhood, that knowledge is a cool thing are all even more important than the money. Be a guiding figure to him and his siblings. I have seen some great people beaten down by not seeing that they can go beyond what they were brought up in.

 

[texaskj]

Oh Kenny, you old softie! Don't worry, your secret's safe with us.
Start the fund. God knows what will happen in the next eight years, but you may have the chance to really make a difference in this kid's life. If things don't work out, you could take a hell of a vacation or add to that incredible diamond collection of yours.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

In all there are 9 kids of equal rank that I'd have to set up college saving accounts for.
Frankly, none of the other eight show a tenth the promise of this kid.
Fairness and equality are wonderful things, but clearly kids vary too, and funds are not unlimited..

Yikes, how close in age are the kids? I wouldn't set up any fund in any of the kids' names at this time b/c they're all young, I take it (?), and if word gets out, there could be the beginnings of major grudges. How about a general college fund that you set aside that will be for any of the kids who are nearly graduation and showing interest?

 

[luv2sparkle]

My first thought Kenny is that if this child is really exceptional and comes from a low income family, he should not have a problem getting scholarship and money for college. I think the best thing you could do for him is be his mentor, stay close to him and be in his life especially through his teen years.

I didn't really read all the other posts so if someone has already mentioned this I apologize.

Having another adult in his corner is just as important as having money in a college account. He has to want to get to college and hopefully your involvement will do that for him.

 

[AGBF]

I would take the devious route. You really want to help the child who has the most academic promise, but you were going to name him. Other posters have suggested that singling him out by name would cause resentment. So don't. Set up a college fund for the children in the family who excel in high school. The others can go to community college or vocational schools and you can agree to help them with their applications if they want help. The ones who have the grades to gain entry into private schools or the University of California can make use of your college fund.

Now if you do it this way you cannot set up one of the 509* (I think it is 509) funds that each state has for a child, but that's OK. First of all, California has great state schools. Many people prefer the state schools! If he opts for a state school, the tuition will be less. The chances that a sibling will get into a regular university seem slim.

Deb/AGBF

Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

*No, it was a 529 plan!!!

 

[Kaleigh]

Kenny,
I relate to this on many levels..

First your wanting to do well for this kid is great. He's motivated, ambitious and looks to you as some kind of mentor. Heck with the gay label. You know I don't do that.. My brother was gay. Gay people are not molestors ( My experience ). I hate that stigma.

Growing up, my housekeeper who was my savior and my mom had her neice live with us on the weekends. Shonda was a little sister to me. Elizabeth was so great to her, raised her as her own. An offer was made for Shonda to attend my private school, but her Mom turned it down. Elizabeth died recently, Shonda tried to take her life. I am dealing with all of this, and heart is breaking...

Shonda is really angry she didn't get to get an education. She lived with us, got out of the ghetto...

But her Mom "knew " what was best for her. She had her first kid at 16.

Do what is in your heart. YOU have a huge heart.

 

[VRBeauty]

Kenny: The best gift you can give him is to listen, help him explore his interests, and, when the time is right, help him prepare for and make choices related to college.

I got to navigate high school and college pretty much on my own. My parent immigrated here when I was in grade school, and neither of them had gone to college. They were as supportive of me as they could be, but they had no idea how to help me explore my interests, choose high school classes to prepare for college, or to choose a college, so I was pretty much on my own, except for a bit of input from a high school "guidance counselor" to whom I was just another student. I did OK, but... I think having input from someone who had some idea what I was going through, and some insights to offer, could have made a huge difference. That kind of interest is something you can offer your young friend - and any of his siblings who might want it.

 

[Jennifer W]

I think you have some great advice here, and I don't have much to add except to say that rational people know that most gay men don't find themselves attracted to small boys any more than most heterosexual women do. I really hope you won't let that blight your relationship with the kid, even in your own head. Sure, some people are bigoted and dumb, but you aren't and neither are your SO's family.

Everyone needs an Uncle Kenny, or equivalent. Someone to look up to and get a little help from when they need it. Be it financial, emotional, practical or whatever, kids need a mentor. If you can step up and be that person, then you'll have done something amazing.

You mentioned that a teacher did something positive for you when you were in school, which shows that what you give need not be financial, if going down that route doesn't sit comfortably with your family and SO (totally your call, not making any judgement there). The encouragement to find more in life than survival level jobs might be the best gift you can offer.

 

[Jennifer W]

Lastly, I hate that I have to bring this up but it's an elephant in the living room to some.
I'm a gay man and zillions of folks still think gays are likely to be pedophiles.
Nobody in the family has given off any vibes whatsoever regarding this but if I start treating the boy in any way differently than the other kids in the family I'm worried it may raise some eyebrows, totally unwarranted, but there it is.

Help.

Kenny, I was thinking a little bit more about this part and realise that my last post wasn't entirely helpful, because regardless of how things are or are not, this is how you feel about it. So, thinking back to when I worked in Child Protection Services, can I offer some suggestions? If they are helpful, great. If not just ignore them, and know that they were made with kind intentions and in the context of you not being around kids much so maybe not having much of a baseline idea.

Put yourself above suspicion. Don't do anything that looks or feels even slightly wrong, or could be misinterpreted by someone being over zealous or malicious.

If you want to spend one to one time with the kid, do it in public. Go to the zoo, the museum, out for a burger and take public transport if you can. This is pretty much normal for kid-adult interactions anyway (with non-parents).

Don't be afraid of showing affection, but always be aware of how it makes you and the child feel - any hint of discomfort on either part and find another way of expressing that you care about him / others around you.

If conversations go down a path you aren't entirely comfortable with, say so. Might never happen, but don't be afraid to say that something is private, off limits or not a 'kid subject' to talk about.

Encourage him to talk about what you guys did when he gets home, with his mom and other family members. Don't encourage secrecy or suggest that anything you do isn't for sharing with everyone at home. A kid who has been asked (or perceived that he has been encouraged) to keep anything secret can be a red flag. If he asks you to keep a secret, don't promise that you will until you know what it is - some things must always be shared with the parent of such a young child. You'll know them when you hear them, but they include allegations of abuse, admissions of self harm or thoughts of self harm.

If anything at all happens that you don't feel comfortable with, or you feel could be misinterpreted, tell his mom. Be open and casual, but make sure there are no secrets and nothing hidden.

These things probably sound like basic common sense, and I don't mean to insult your intelligence. I also want to stress that these are not things you should do because you are gay - these are things I also tell my husband when our daughter has friends playing here. At work, I've seen a lot of allegations made against other parents, step parents, siblings, step siblings, teachers and child care professionals. Some of them have been about abuse. Others have been about over zealous protection, some have been purely malicious. I personally haven't yet seen one against a gay man simply because he is gay.

Enjoy the time you spend with him and take pleasure in the things you can do for this wee lad, but also take simple steps to keep yourself safe from unfounded allegations.

 

[PetitiePoire]

I think what you want to do is perfectly ok. I say this because I was the recipient of such generosity from an aunt and uncle. I am one of 13+ cousins who could have benefited from that, however, they felt that I was the one that needed "saving." They saw potential in me I didn't know I had and because of their assistance and generosity I made it through university. It wasn't really until AFTER graduation that I realized how much they did for me. There wasn't a special account, that I knew of, but there was plenty of support when I needed it- both financially and more.

My other cousins haven't followed the same track. In fact, I'm the only one thus far to graduate and have a few others behind me who are on the road to university. Most of them preferred to settle and not have to work hard- so I don't think it was because of lack of funds. I also have siblings who are not receiving financial support from them, but they are encouraged by them to succeed. It has helped me to realize how far generosity goes and hopefully I can help my own siblings when the time comes.

Best of luck Kenny. Even thought of helping this child is HUGE.

 

[QueenB29]

I suppose in this situation, I would let SO take the lead because you did say that he is the star of the family and so perhaps the idea would be more well-received because of this. When the parents and child are over to your house and the child's academics come up, SO could commend him for his efforts and discuss the possibility of him attending college, assess their reaction, and then bring up the college fund. This way it'd be more private (as opposed to announcing it in front of the entire family) and you wouldn't feel obligated to offer everyone in the family a college fund (if that wasn't your original intention).

I agree with this. The other thing that you could do, is occasionally (with your SO) treat him to brand-new books, or buy him an e-reader for the holidays or his birthday and give him gift cards for Amazon or Barnes and Noble to refill it. You and SO could also take him (and probably a rotating group of one or two of his siblings/cousins to cut down on jealousy) on more cultural outings that his parents probably can't afford: museums, book readings, art galleries, concerts, events put on by a local college, etc. All of that will send the message that education is valued.

 

[allycat0303]

Hi Kenny,

Your post really touched my heart. I think first off, you need to put aside any notions of making him white etc., you're a gay man a people will think...It's your intentions that matter. When you want to do something good, you should go for it. I see absolutely nothing wrong with setting up a fund for him. You've bonded with him. You feel he has potential, and you want to further that potential along. I would set up a fund and do it discreetly. I don't think it needs to be advertised all over the family that you did this. You can talk college casually and tell him you'll help him when the time comes. The reason I think he should know, is that knowledge will help sustain him through difficult years. Its hard to keep going if he believes there will NEVER be a chance he can afford college.

As for favouritism, as you are something of an *uncle*, I think it has little bearing on the situation. I have 4 siblings. 2 brothers and 2 sisters. The favourite of all the uncles, aunts and grandparents were my two brothers. It had little actual effect on my sister and I. Favouritism orchestrated by my parents onto the children, that was a different matter. It was much more hurtful. Incidentally, monetary value has little effect on how children feel. I received more (financially), as did my youngest brother. It did not create resentment among the siblings. It's more the interplay of how much emotional support your parents give you. We all resent my youngest brother because all of his emotional needs were put before us!

 

[natascha]

Kenny I thought you were latino too?

The biggest obstacle for your nephew is probably not going to be money. The biggest problem is his environment and the support he an get there. No matter how much his family loves him and want to support him, they won't understand the issues that will arise. I come from a latino family and am the first in my close family to have higher education. I did not go to the good high schools etc and every time I told my family or people at school what I wanted to achieve everyone said to lower my expectations. Everyone except my mother said that it was impossible to get a 20.0/20.0 GPA and that the school I wanted was only for rich WASPs living in the good areas. It is hard to keep on track when everyone is telling you that it is impossible. Being there for your nephew and showing him that he can achieve the grades etc needed to get in is so important.

Also his family will probably not understand why he will be studying so hard. Often you end up hearing that it is not worth it, that you are weird, why are you studying so hard, etc. They just don't understand what is required. While other students will have all the information needed he is going to have to fight. If you can be there, supporting him, providing information, etc then he will have a better opportunity.

 

[stephbolt]

My first thought Kenny is that if this child is really exceptional and comes from a low income family, he should not have a problem getting scholarship and money for college. I think the best thing you could do for him is be his mentor, stay close to him and be in his life especially through his teen years.

I agree with this. I think that while your motives are good, it's a fine line to walk that could end up hurting your relationship with SO's family as well as the child's relationship with his family, if you set aside money for his education alone and make a big deal of it, especially now when college is still 7 or 8 years off for him and a lot could change in that time. If you can mentor him and encourage him to pursue a college education, and guide him as to things he should be doing in terms of classes, extracurriculars, visiting colleges, etc, you'll be giving him the chance to see that future as a real option, which might be the biggest hurdle given what you've told us about his background.

 

[Pandora II]

I don't think there is a problem setting aside money for just one child.

You are not the parents, and guess what, life isn't fair...

If a child was amazing at football, or singing etc then no-one would expect that all the siblings should be included on a football team or in the band to make them feel better.

My husband won a prestigious scholarship to his high-school. His brothers didn't, in fact 2 didn't even get awarded a place. My husband was just more academic and brighter than them.

My parents paid for my youngest sister to go to one of the top private schools in the UK, I won a place at a selective school, but not on a par and a fraction of the price of this school. I don't feel in the least bit resentful or upset.

I would keep the money in a separate account and only mention it when the subject of applying to college comes up.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Kenny I thought you were latino too?

The biggest obstacle for your nephew is probably not going to be money. The biggest problem is his environment and the support he an get there. No matter how much his family loves him and want to support him, they won't understand the issues that will arise. I come from a latino family and am the first in my close family to have higher education. I did not go to the good high schools etc and every time I told my family or people at school what I wanted to achieve everyone said to lower my expectations. Everyone except my mother said that it was impossible to get a 20.0/20.0 GPA and that the school I wanted was only for rich WASPs living in the good areas. It is hard to keep on track when everyone is telling you that it is impossible. Being there for your nephew and showing him that he can achieve the grades etc needed to get in is so important.

Also his family will probably not understand why he will be studying so hard. Often you end up hearing that it is not worth it, that you are weird, why are you studying so hard, etc. They just don't understand what is required. While other students will have all the information needed he is going to have to fight. If you can be there, supporting him, providing information, etc then he will have a better opportunity.

So very true!

 

[Lotus99]

Maybe you could think about making the offer of matching scholarship funds. If he's bright, he will likely get one. That way, you're encouraging him while also offering financial support.

If it were me, I'd probably have my SO make any financial offers to the kid/the family. Perhaps your SO's family is different, but I know mine are more open to something like this from the actual blood relative.

 

[onedrop]

Kenny: I think the fact that you want to help this child is a wonderful thing. For many kids, someone taking a real interest in them and their future is all it takes for a spark to be lit in them. I also think it was really smart of you to seek advice before you get involved on a deeper level. The advice you've already been given has been great and spot-on, but I just wanted to give my 2 cents, especially regarding any favoritism that might be shown in this case.

For many years I've worked with disadvantaged kids and their families. In once instance, a young wealthy heiress volunteered periodically in one of the programs I worked in. She ended up developing a very close connection with a particular group of siblings. This woman would pick up some of the kids in this family after the program ended (or sometimes in the middle of the day) and announce that she was taking them for pizza, taking them to this place and that place, and doing things above and beyond for them. Typically these announcements were made in front of kids from other families. While I was happy that this one family was getting attention and experiencing new things, I also witnessed the "I'm/we're not good enough" reactions from the kids that didn't get chosen to be the favorite of this particular woman. So after the "favorite" family got whisked off to the next fun-filled activity, I had to comfort the kids that were left behind, and that was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with.

I am certain that the heiress's heart was in the right place, but I don't think she realized the negative impact that her actions had on the other kids that weren't the favorites. All of that said, I think that a situation like yours has to be handled very delicately and diplomatically. Clearly, the kid that you've told us about is gifted and special, but the other kids in his family are also special. I just worry about the impact that the singling out one child out of family of many will have. Definitely check with your SO says first, and go from there. I am not saying that you shouldn't help this kid. In fact I really hope that you do. I am just advising to really look at the big picture before you dive in.

I am looking forward to reading your updates!!

 

[vintagelover229]

Kenny-
I think it's great that you want to help and I think you should.

As someone who came from a less fortunate (although not to that degree) household and had someone offer to send me to Christian elementary school (and I had siblings) it was a dream come true. They never got the opportunity to do so since I moved in with my God parents who could afford to send me (at the time I was living with my Grandma when the offer was made) but even to this day I am humbled that they would make that offer. He was a single man (still single) and like a grandfather to me and is still a huge part of my Grandma's life to this day. When I went to Christian school the next time I saw him that was the FIRST thing out of my mouth that I was going to the school that *he* had offered to pay for.

I say go for it. Do it privately (with your SO knowing) and perhaps prior to that age encourage him-give him books to help him get started-and offer to send him to a summer camp program for a week or a few weeks like science camp or something to help him get off on the right foot.

If he does indeed get good enough grades and can get scholarships there will still be living expenses and the cost of living/books that he will need help with. You will really see in the coming years just how driven he is. Hopefully that will rub off on his siblings.

Good luck!