Wedding I just want to cry: Guest list issue

[gtn]

Both FI and I come from large families. Our reception venue has a max. occupancy of 320, but they don''t want us to have more than 300 since the extra tables really makes the room crowded. When we I originally went over the guest list with my parents, my father says that our family will be 70 people, and with his friends we should have 100, he lied, I did the math and got 144. My FI was able to shave his family down to 105 which mean that we would have 51 seat for our friends. So we proceeded to book our venue. Well, now that we have sat down to start addressing the invites and discover that I have forgotten about some family members (whom I hardly ever see) but I "have to invite" since they are family and now my family list has exploded to 200 people not including my friends. Upon hearing this my FI gets upset and says that he had excluded family members who lived out of state since we had to watch our guest list and now he wants to invite them since my list is getting out of hand.

I don''t know what to do. I told my parents that we needed to trim the guest list down, and my parents are telling me that if anything, I should trim his list since "they will give a gift and our family always gives money" so we should go for the money to help offset our cost.

Now my FI is proposing that I only get 150 invites and he gets 150 invites. Which, in theory sounds fair, but I come from an immediate family of 8 and he has 3, so right off the bat, I''m 5 guest behind him. All of my extended family lives in this area and many of his extended family lives out of state so it is safe to assume that they won''t come. I have already informed my friend from oversea about the wedding (he was the only one who got a sdt since he is the only one that would need to make arrangements.) I''m so scared that if I invite everybody I have to plus everybody I want to invite, they all might show up.

I just want to cry. I don''t know what to do. Any ideas would be helpful. I called my sister to get advice and she has kindly offered to eat in the dressing room with my siblings, but doesn''t know what to do either.

Until we can figure out the guest list, I have held the invites ransom.

Help!

 

[brooklyngirl]

Well that's an awful surprise to deal with. At the same time, why do you have to invite people? Invite the people you want there, and that's it. If you've forgotten about the relatives who live out of state, you will not miss them at the wedding. Just because someone is family does not mean that they should be invited to your wedding. Invite the friends that you wanted to invite, as they are probably closer to you than the family you forgot about. After the wedding you can send everyone an announcement of your marriage and be done with it. Best of luck!

 

[neatfreak]

I think you need to invite everyone you and your FI want to invite first, THEN lets say you have 100 invites left. Each family gets 50 to do with what they want. Make THEM do the cutting if all these people are "musts" for them but not for you and your FI. Don''t let your family blackmail you into allowing them more "far flung" relatives than your FI has. Not fair.

But I agree with him that your non-close relatives shouldn''t be invited if his aren''t...that is only fair IMO...It sucks regardless!

 

[nclrgirl]

I think 150 for each is the most fair way to go. Then, you hash it out with your family and he with his. Good luck!

 

[decodelighted]

Who is paying for the wedding? If your parents are paying there is an argument that they should have more guests ...

Here''s a random thought too -- maybe you''re doing people a favor by NOT inviting them. Maybe the far-flung forgotten relatives would just assume STAY FORGOTTEN and not have to drag their butts hither & yon for someone they barely know just as you would prefer to have friends there in their place.

Weddings make people cccrazzeee. Its like all common sense is lost. If you don''t KNOW them, why should you INVITE them???????

 

[purrfectpear]

I''m sorry but your mom is just tasteless to suggest that the family who will generate the most cash gifts gets the most invites

I feel it''s fair to give 100 invites to both sets of parents (200), then the other 100 invites go to you and your FI. If as a couple you happen to have some left over after looking at your list, or want to donate some invite spaces to either sets of parents, then do so.

It''s a WEDDING not a cash cow. Every related person does not have to be invited either. Space is space and budget is budget. If a relative can''t grasp that

 

[choro72]

I agree with neatfreak. Are you paying for the wedding? If so, invite people that both of you want to invite first. All the rest are in your parent''s category. It''s up to them to keep the number down.

 

[modernsparkler]

It is YOUR wedding. I would suggest that you have as many people as you and FI want (say maybe 75 each) and then divy up the other 75 to each of your families. On YOUR day you want to be surrounded by those you love and those who are thrilled to celebrate your marriage. My opinion is that you should not be meeting for the first time more than 10-20% of the guest list (and most should be on the other side of the family).

Good luck. I know how tough it is but instead of letting people run wild with a list give em a number and ask them to decide.

 

[pjean]

Date: 7/3/2008 7:06:49 PM
Author: neatfreak
I think you need to invite everyone you and your FI want to invite first, THEN lets say you have 100 invites left. Each family gets 50 to do with what they want. Make THEM do the cutting if all these people are ''musts'' for them but not for you and your FI.

Brilliant. Not only does it solve this problem, but it will get you and your FI back on the same team. Go, Neatfreak!

 

[zoebartlett]

I had the same thought that Deco did. Who''s paying? If your parents are paying, I think it''s fair to let them have more of a say in the guest list. I understand its YOUR day, as others have pointed out, but if your parents are paying a huge amount of the expenses, it''s also their day. It''s also your FI''s parents'' day. I personally would have a very tough time setting limits on how many people our parents could invite if they were paying the majority of the costs.

I can see you FI''s point about wanting to add important people if you are as well. I think it should be fair -- either you both trim the list or come up with a way to add more people without going over budget or exceeding the space limit. I also think your parents are wrong to say what they did, referring to the gifts/money. What guests decide to give you should have NOTHING to do with it.

 

[claireabelle]

Awww sorry to hear about your guestlist dramas!

I don''t think 150/150 agreement should apply here considering the significant difference in family size..

Perhaps 180/120 or 170/130 is a fair compromise?

In saying this - don''t feel obliged to invite every person and their pet goldfish just because they''re related or a family friend from way back when.... invite the people who you have a good communication with and whose presence is key for your special day! After all, it''s YOUR (and your fiance!) day!

 

[peridot83]

The compromise i''d been toying with is AFTER all immediate family members are invited you split the guests evenly. For example:

Immediate: parents, siblings, nieces & nephews, grandparents, uncles & aunts, first cousins

Let''s say you have 300 guests total

But your immediate family is 50 people, and his is only 20. 50 + 20 = 70. ALL these people get invited.

300 - 70 = 230 spots left. So you''d both get 115 people to play with ON TOP of immediate family.

Hope that makes sense, and helps somewhat =P. Obviously, if one family is paying a lot more than another...it can get more complicated.

 

[EricaR]

I actually like peridot83''s idea. It takes into account your larger immediate family while still diving up "extra" spots evenly.

What a messy situation! Once again I''m glad I''m being a total brat and only inviting 10 people.

 

[D2B]

Peridot 83 idea is excellent

Remember you dont have to invite everyone, and somtimes as someone else metioned far flung family who you dont see a lot, might prefer not to go as well.

In our wedding, for us our rule was,we only invite extended family who we have spent quality time with in that year, either in person or through phone contact. If we didnt talk/spend time with them normally, then we didnt really want them at our wedding. It helped us keep costs down and it made it a gathering of people we truly wanted to be with.

good luck
d2b

 

[Gypsy]

Between Neatfreak and Peridot you have two great ideas.

About family invites in general... what you criteria about the invites? Anyone I don''t like, makes me uncomfortable, or I don''t care if I ever see again is not invited... unless they are the sibling of someone I HAVE to have there because I do love them, am comfortable with them, and do care if I see. And that''s only one person that is therefore a ''duty'' invite whom I am hoping just won''t come.

Trim the ''and guests'' of family members if there are any... just don''t invite "and guest" and put an age cut off on any kids except immediate family. Like 12 or 14... whatever cuts the kids down to minimum.

We''ve had a couple of my mother''s first cousins flat out try to invite themselves-- some bluntly, and some passive aggressively... and we''ve just said No, we''re sorry but we have a strict number of invites we have to stick to because of space, capacity, budget (include excuse here). So it does suck... but honestly, it''s been a LOT less negative feedback than we were worried about. As Deco said, some people are reasonable and don''t expect an invite and DO understand. I come from a very large family, and so does my groom. Our total guest list though is under a 100. You just have to be really firm. Wedding planning is unfortunately about making some tough choices. ((HUGS))

 

[miraclesrule]

Maybe I am not the normal MOB...okay, well...we all know I''m not normal period. But I digress...

Even though I am paying for most of the wedding, I don''t feel like I have this huge say in her guest list. I asked for two people. Okay, maybe that''s because I am paying for most of it...but if I had my way, my daughter wouldn''t be inviting my brother.

Nevertheless, I agree with those who opine that this should be about the two of you. You should be able to have the people that you love and cherish the most be at your wedding. And most of the time, that isn''t family. Especially those you have never seen. However, that is why most people do a two round invite list. The first goes out to those who are long distance and not likely to travel to the wedding. But at least they get invited. (and hopefully, for those who care, they send money or a gift). Then you know where you stand and can distribute the second main invite list. ::;shrugs::: Everyone I know who has a lot of extended family use this method.

My daughter and her FI had opposite problems. He has a HUGE family and my daughter is an only child and I have a scattered and dysfunctional family. The irony was that she has a lot more close long-term friends. So their total guest list for each side ran neck and neck...but whereas he has 13 friends and the rest family, my daughter had 9 family and the rest friends.

I think it''s crazy to have the entire ancestry.com tree invited. I mean, if you get down to it, that tree could lead right back to Adam and Eve...if you believe in that sort of thing.

I bet that didn''t help you at all, did it? Dangit. I guess I just feel for you right now. Parents can be a PITA.

 

[gtn]

Thank you all for replying. I''m sorry I didn''t reply sooner, but the holiday weekend was quite hectic for me. I read through all the responses and I hope I answered all of your questions. I think the most importantant thing for me to do is to sit down with my FI and my parents. At current rate, I will have people standing over the tables sharing plates of food. Wish me lots of luck. I will need it.


brooklyngirl - The 144 guest from my family are must haves since I am quite close to all of them. Well maybe 130 of them are must haves, but if their parents, brothers and sisters are invited, with or without an invitation they might just show up.

neatfreak - I understand what you saying,but that is so much easier to say than to do. Especially since he doesn''t really talk to any of my family. What makes it worse is that every time I try to bring up the subject, my FI tells me I need to talk to my parents. I keep saying we all need to sit down and talk about it. I have been asking my FI to come with me to talk to my parents about it and he keeps telling me he doesn''t have time and I should deal with it and them.

nclrgirl - You are right, it is the most fair, but that is assuming I can get them together to hash it out. My parents want to talk to him, he has been avoiding it like the plague.

decodelighted - to answer your question, we are paying for the wedding, well most of it. The cultural traditional stuff they are paying for and they are paying for their guest. My parents told us from the get go, and FI was fine with it before we started narrowing down the guest list, that they could invite guest that were not on our "must have list" at their expense. He told my parents of course we would allow them to invite their friend. Now he doesn''t want them to invite any of them. Maybe I will write the wrong address for those "lost relatives" and hope that they don''t get it in time. Funny thing, those lost relatives live 10 minutes away from my parents.

purrfectpear - I am with you when you say it''s tasteless. I told her that I was not inviting people for the gift/money, that type of argument could work with someone else, but not me. In my culture, weddings are cash cows. People ususally pay for their plate and then some. My parent''s best friend''s daughter made a profit of 10 thousand dollars on her wedding. Of course the daughter only paid for the caterer so a net gain of 10k is easier when you don''t factor in other cost.

choro72 - His mom is not close to her family, she is only inviting 6 of her relatives so she isn''t the problem. I actually know everbody on everybody''s guest list and my FI knows a handful of my parents friends. Mostly because he doesn''t like going to my family functions and when he does, he doesn''t remember most of the people he meets. In fact, I know some of his cousin''s family better than he does. I know the names and faces of their kids and he doesn''t. I am always reminding him whose who.
pjean - We definately need to be back on the same team.

ZoeBartlett - My list is to the bone now. I don''t want to ask him to trim his list. If I did base who I was inviting based on gift/money my guest list would be totally different. Also, I would say no kids, but I don''t want to restrict people and say they can''t take their kids.

claireabelle - thanks for saying saying that. I also know what ever the proportion, we all could fill the seat. The guest list is one of the reasons why I''m the first in my family to get married even though I''m the youngest girl.

peridot83 - if we do that calculation, we wouldn''t be able to invite anybody other than the wedding party. We eliminated a lot of people off of his "immediate family list" by restricting the guest to California. Our only guest who will be travelling from a great distance would be our friend from HK, but my FI has put that guest in my bucket as he was my friend before he became FI''s friend.

EricaA - I am so jealous. I wish I could have a small wedding.

d2b - I need all the luck you could send my way. I remember how happy we were when we found out one of his cousin''s broke up with his girlfriend since we had met her and we were trying to figure out if she would be included or not. That was when our luck ended.

Gypsy - We have eliminated the "and guest" from everbody except our wedding party. We felt that if they wanted to bring a friend they should be allowed to. The only SO invited were those who are engaged, living together, and/or have been dating so long that they are part of the family. I thought about restricting kids, but some of those kids are "must haves" and very few are not. So where would we draw the line?
miraclesrule - I think you are an awesome mom. Your daughter is very lucky to have you. I know you love her dearly and you feel equally blessed to have her

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Sorry this is going on gtn. It looks like everyone has some great advice. All I can really offer to you is that you are going to have to cut some people that you don't want to cut. Kids are the most obvious candidate. I know some are must haves, but you may just have to cut across all of them or make few exceptions (e.g. kids IN the wedding). Unfortunately, some people will get their feelings hurt. This always happens. Are you sure you want to invite people you don't talk to? I understand some families are more close-knit than others (FI's is very close mine is not), but it's your wedding. Are you sure you want people you don't talk to very often taking up spots of your friends? Think it over.

ETA: It sounds like you need to start being a bit stricter. E.g. if you haven't spoken to someone in 6 months+ do you really want them there?

 

[gtn]

Sarah - unfortunately I have had cousin''s on both sides of the family get married in the last year and I have seen many with the exception the "lost" relatives. I think I need to get everybody to sit down so we could all be ok with the guest list. I will keep you posted. I should be working on looking/confirming everybody''s address then looking up the +4 postal codes. We are looking them up so we could generate the bar code so the post office doesn''t man handle them.

 

[julesbeth]

Aw gtn, I am really sorry that you have to deal with this! Yuck. I agree with perfectpear, and give each of your families 100, and you and FI take 100. It seems only fair - and its not like you are skimping, 300 people is quite a bit... Please don''t let it get to you, it will all work out. Really.


FI and I wanted a teeeeny wedding, we told our families a measly 35 each, and we took 30. They were also not completely amused, but its our wedding, right?

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 7/7/2008 3:02:15 PM
Author: gtn
Sarah - unfortunately I have had cousin''s on both sides of the family get married in the last year and I have seen many with the exception the ''lost'' relatives. I think I need to get everybody to sit down so we could all be ok with the guest list. I will keep you posted. I should be working on looking/confirming everybody''s address then looking up the +4 postal codes. We are looking them up so we could generate the bar code so the post office doesn''t man handle them.

Aw man gtn!

I am sorry.

Happy for your cousins, but sorry it''s causing difficulties! I definitely think sitting down is important.

You''re getting there, just be patient

 

[Fancy605]

I really think it is going to be alright. What is the total out of control guest list up to? Really, you can invite quite a few more than 300 people and still have fewer than 300 people show up, especially around certain dates and in certain locations. Tell us more about your wedding. Will many of the guests be coming from out of town? What''s your family''s track record been with attendance as far as your cousins'' weddings have gone? I have found that most of the time, when weddings involve HUGE numbers and extended family that you wouldn''t normally see, a lot of the time, a large percentage of people opt out. Smaller weddings tend to see a larger percentage of the guest list turn up, but that''s typically because the couple only invites those who are closest to them and not people who they see less frequently who may feel less of an obligation to attend. Anyway, I say this because I have known many people who had similar dilemmas (myself included), and it nearly almost turns out being okay that they invited more people than the venue could hold. My venue was supposed to hold 200, and we had closer to 220. I didn''t find it crowded at all. I think when venues say, "Oh you can only have this many," they mean that many adults. Children and infants in arms tend to take up less space. I think that''s what helped us out. We had several kids attend, and putting an extra chair at a table with lots of kids didn''t really hurt anything. Of course our guest list was much higher than the 220 that attended, but many of the guests were out of town extended family (as in 2 hours or more away). And some of them were friends of my parents many of who I''ve met only once or twice. These people came to showers/parties that were local to their towns, but skipped the wedding. I can''t say I blamed them. Anyway, I bet once the RSVPs start coming, you''ll see several regrets.

 

[gtn]

Fancy, my family has a really good track record of showing up to weddings. At my cousin''s wedding on my mom''s side of the family, only 4 of my cousins + the "lost family" didn''t show up so about 12 people. All of the aunts and uncles showed up. At the last wedding on my dad''s side, only 1 cousin didn''t show up (5 people including her husband and kids) and all of the aunts and uncles showed up. Most of our invited families live in the bay area so they most likely will show up. Our guest list is 400. Actually, we can accommodate 320 people max, but we still have to feed our vendors and I know that based on my cousin''s wedding, some people who didn''t rsvp showed up so I wanted to have that 20 person buffer just in case. I also don''t won''t to make my guest feel like I''m packing them in like sardines.

I am praying that some of my cousin''s kids will be away for college as 4 of them will be starting college in the fall and my wedding is september 6, but if they are going to a school on the quarter system, they still might be around. I know one will be going to be going to school locally so he will be able to come, the other 3 I''m not sure if they made their decision yet. Thankfully, I have some great friends who have already agreed to be on standby for the reception. They are planning on attending the ceremony, miss dinner and then show up for dancing after dinner, but I want them to be there for the whole part. Others told me that they just want to see the ceremony. That does make me feel better, but I have a bunch of other people telling me that they can''t wait till my wedding, it''s that bunch that is stressing me out.

 

[Gwyn]

I think that you and FI would be better off setting aside an allotted amount of invites for BOTH of your families and obligatory invites and such. Then, if he wants to go the fair splitting it route, divide the number left over for each of you to invite your friends.

So lets say you need 100 invites for all your family and he only needs 50 for his (since most are out of town and wont be coming). You two then have 150 left over that you can split evenly between you for friends and such.

That way, you dont get to invite less friends b.c you have more family in the area. It also makes it so you can invite all your family without it cutting into your 150 invites.

Remember, your family is his now right? why should they just count as your guests?

I dont know, i am on the opposite side. We are getting married near all of FIs family. Of the 50 people coming to our wedding about `6-20 of them are my family/my side. the rest are FIs.

Granted we are also having a cocktail reception on the east coast to accomdate the 100 guests we have over there. but still. Your FI should be a little more understanding that you have such a larger family.

 

[peridot83]

I must confess i''m extremely confused by your post. Unless your FI WANTS to go along with your guest list. There''s really only three options:

1. Be fair. Pick a rule and apply it to both sides. If it''s true, that your + his immediate family = 300 people (holy c*!p that''s big families on both sides). Pick a different rule (i.e. all parents & siblings have to be invited then split EVENLY between the two of you for the remaining guest spots). Then you both have to make difficult decisions of which aunts to invite, which cousins to invite etc.

2. Don''t be fair. And attempt to get all the guests you want invited at the expense of his guests. You can try all the justifications you want (my guests will give better gifts, my family is closer) but if he doesn''t see things your way. You are dictating to him, and that''s not fair.

3. Get a bigger venue.

Yea the options suck, and I feel sympathy which such huge families, but the choices are straightforward, and you probably don''t need help from us to see what they are.

 

[winston26]

We whittled the list down by cutting out the kids first. I felt bad about some of them because I actually know and like some of them well. When mentioning it to the parent''s they said "are you kidding? we would have left the kids at home anyway--we want to have FUN!" I honestly heard no complaints about no children; everyone seemed to understand. The extra headcount for children of friends was nearing 50 alone! That was a no-brainer.

Another thought....my Dad has a lot of 1st cousins and everyone goes to everyone''s wedding. My brother didn''t want that and made a rule that unless he knew them well, there''d be no invite. Mom and Dad spent a lot of time saying "you remember cousin Susie, she gave you that teddy bear when you were 8 you remember, right???" It was actually comical. Just some suggestions.

 

[gtn]

Well, my FI still refuses to sit down and talk to my parents so i''m still stuck in the middle, but we are making some progress

We have decided that Our family invites need to go out now so our family/guest have a month before they have to rsvp. As for the friends. Once we send out the invites, we will give it another week and see what the immediate responses are. I also was able to get the guest list down a little more by eliminating the spouses of some of the family friends and work colleagues whom we don''t know at all.

We are slowly getting our numbers down. I feel better about it all now. I''m still nervous about it, but things are looking up. My dad even promised me that I would be able to invite some friends as well. They are beginning to listen to me and instead of arguing with me.

 

[Pandora II]

We both have big families so we had to make rules.

Family as far as first cousins all invited, no-one more distant than that.
No children under 10 except those from overseas and children of siblings.
No ''and guests'' - only married/engaged/living together for over a year.

There have been no whinges from anyone...

 

[newbie124]

Date: 7/10/2008 5:11:11 PM
Author: gtn
Well, my FI still refuses to sit down and talk to my parents so i''m still stuck in the middle, but we are making some progress

We have decided that Our family invites need to go out now so our family/guest have a month before they have to rsvp. As for the friends. Once we send out the invites, we will give it another week and see what the immediate responses are. I also was able to get the guest list down a little more by eliminating the spouses of some of the family friends and work colleagues whom we don''t know at all.

We are slowly getting our numbers down. I feel better about it all now. I''m still nervous about it, but things are looking up. My dad even promised me that I would be able to invite some friends as well. They are beginning to listen to me and instead of arguing with me.

Hi gtn,

Sorry to hear you''re having these guest list issues. Makes me feel grateful that we haven''t really had much guest list pressure from either of our families and are able to keep it to a small size that we''re comfortable with.

Out of curiosity what is your count down to now?

I think it''s good to get the family invites out first. However, not so sure about eliminating guest spouses...that''s kind of one of those "golden rules" of etiquette. I couldn''t tell if you meant that you didn''t know the spouses well or didn''t know those family friends/coworkers well...if the latter, couldn''t just eliminate them all together? I think I would be pretty miffed if FI got an invite that excluded me (even before we''re officially married). Then again, maybe that would put people off enough that they''d decline the invitation thereby cutting down your list some more...In general, though, I would eliminate kids before eliminating spouses.

 

[purrfectpear]

I have to agree with Newbie, I don''t really think it''s OK to invite coworkers or friends and omit their spouses

Once that ring is on the finger, they''re a couple as far as invites.