Wedding I feel so silly that this bothers me

[wondering1]

I am a long-time poster but for various reasons don''t want to post under my other user id.

So my issue is I just found out today that my ex-boyfriend "P" (my first love), got married last month. I know I should be happy for him but it''s bothering me more than I thought. I''m wondering its still some remnant of feelings for him or if it''s one of those emotions that will go away in a few days??

Backstory: We dated in highschool and then lost touch for awhile. P was my first love and the one I would always compare everyone else to when I started dating other guys. P & I reconnected in college but he had a girlfriend at the time and later we were living in different states and it just never worked out for us to get together. Then I started dating DH and P became single. P always flirted but nothing serious every happened as I was dating DH. P and I ended up having a falling out awhile back due to some of the "tension" in our relationship and because of the fact that P was always trying to keep up with the Jones''. P, as an investment banker, always felt the need to tell me about the millions he was making and what he was doing with his money and how much he spent on his fancy trips, watch, clothes, etc. In my younger days I thought that was what I wanted from my life but have now come to realize money is not the end all.

Anyway, one of the reasons we never really worked as a couple was because he was materialistic, always wanted the next best thing, the arm candy wife with old money and family connections, etc. I hoped he would grow out of it but it appears he hasn''t (my last email to him was that I cared about him as a person and didn''t give a toot about how much money he made and wished he would realize that stuff doesn''t matter). Well, it appears he married an attractive girl whose family is old money and he''s gotten everything he wanted.

Honestly, I know I should be happy if this is what makes him happy. I just am maybe feeling sad cause although I knew I never measured up to his ideal, I always wondered if I did (or if his ideal was different) what would have happened. It''s just making me feel like I was never good enough and depressing me. Does that make any sense??

 

[nclrgirl]

Sounds like you''re much better off with yourDH

 

[sctsbride09]

No offence,but your married and your sad because your ex is getting married? Try to remember that exes are exes for a reason, and dont you think you would feel bad if your hubby was upset about an ex getting married? I know I would. JMHO

 

[diamondfan]

The pull of that first love is strong, even as we get older and hopefully wiser and see that they are not truly the best person for us for the long term.

Money is lovely to have, nothing to sneeze at, but pure materialism is not great and if that is all that matters to him, being his wife sounds risky. He might want to trade up to a richer, younger and prettier girl from a better family background. Someone with those views is rarely satisfied with one person forever as his wife is almost a possession to him, along with his other goodies and toys.

I am sure there are pangs, I sometimes think about old loves but at 42 with three kids, I am happy to say that I am thrilled with my life and have no regrets.

 

[wondering1]

nlcrgirl - I definitely agree that I am better off with DH. I know that it would have never really worked out with P and my DH is the one for me. It''s more of the fact that I''m surprised I care so much about him getting married, and that it''s making me depressed about who I am and that I was never good enough for him.

Also, I haven''t had contact with him since our falling out and may be moving back near where he lives. Before this I thought about contacting him and trying to patch things up as we would be seeing each other (some of the same friends, families still near each other). Now I don''t know what to do. It just feels weird. Should I just wait until I see him/them out together or do I call him up and congratulate him?

 

[FrekeChild]

Personally I''d call him up and congratulate him, but I''m weird like that. If you want to wait to see him though, that''s fine too. Do you really want to see him?

 

[wondering1]

Hi Frekechild,

I'm not really sure I want to see him at all. It will happen at some point if we end up moving back there though. I feel like if I call him I make this more into a big deal than I want it to be. On the otherhand, if he knows I know and we run into eachother that may be awkward as well.

I guess I should realize that I am a great person and my DH loves me and we have a great life together. It shouldn't matter to me that P never thought I was good enough. I guess I just need to keep repeating that mantra to myself over and over again.

 

[Octavia]

Wondering, I kind of know how you feel. My "first love" and I remained friends after we broke up, and I watched him get married. I was so happy for him and his wife, but it was definitely a surreal experience. I never wanted him back, yet I wondered what she had that I didn''t. Especially after his mother got drunk at the reception and started going on about how we were both such sweet girls and she wouldn''t have wanted to make the choice between us (hello? we''d broken up about 6 years before he got married! I don''t think he was "choosing between us"...).

From my experience, I can say that the feeling will pass. But I do wonder if I''ll feel something similar when they have a baby. Probably, and I''m sure that will pass, too.

It''s funny that people always say that you should forget about old boyfriends and not care about what they do, when a lot of relationships nowadays are sort of "mini-marriages" and some breakups are nearly as traumatic as divorces. Whenever strong feelings are involved, it never really goes away completely, even when you know that things happened for the best.

 

[swingirl]

I think it''s normal to feel sad--it''s a bit of a loss and the end of a chapter from your past. It''s politically correct to be happy for him. But it''s more natural to hope he thinks about you now and then and wonders what it would have been like if you two got together at the right time in your lives. There is nothing wrong with having special feelings for lost loves especially first loves when the hormones, emotions and passion were very high.

 

[purrfectpear]

I don''t think I''d call, I''d sent a sweet congrat note from the two of you expressing your best wishes.

Yes, it''s normal to have a day or so of some lingering thoughts but they will pass. It''s nothing significant. Frankly I agree that being his wife sounds like a temp job. Wait until she''s in her mid to late 40''s. I bet she gets replaced.

 

[VRBeauty]

Send a card, don''t call. And ... don''t contemplate any sort of contact that you wouldn''t feel perfectly comfortable telling your husband about.

 

[bee*]

Date: 10/8/2008 11:54:37 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I don''t think I''d call, I''d sent a sweet congrat note from the two of you expressing your best wishes.


Yes, it''s normal to have a day or so of some lingering thoughts but they will pass. It''s nothing significant. Frankly I agree that being his wife sounds like a temp job. Wait until she''s in her mid to late 40''s. I bet she gets replaced.

I was thinking the same. I''d probably just send a note saying congratulations.

 

[Thomperchik]

Wondering - Just wanted to drop my .02. My first love and I didn''t end in good terms. Partially because we weren''t compatible and he did horrible things to me, which I have moved on from even remembering. However, he''s still my first love and I will always care about him regardless of how much of a horrible person he was when we dated. My point is that regardless of what kind of person he is and motives are, you will always care about him naturally. My advice would be to say congratulations and move on.

 

[wondering1]

Hi everyone,

I agree that I should probably just send a card from both of us wishing them well. My DH knows all the background with P and he is ok with it cause he knows I take our vows seriously.

Hopefully, maybe I am wrong and P has changed, and we can be less awkward around eachother if we are again living in the same area. I really do miss our friendship and would like to not alienate myself from our group of friends cause P & I can''t hang out together.

Anyway, thanks for all the advice.

 

[Bia]

I don't think I'd even send a card. It seems everyone's moved on, so maybe leaving it alone is best. Im sure he knows you wish the best for him. IF you run into him, you can always say congrats.

I say this because it seems risky. The more you find out, the more it might bug you, and then you might want to know more--it happens all the time. I say, the less you know, the better. Just be happy that he is probably happy. You're happily married right? How would you feel if your hubby started feeling things about an ex and wanted to call her up? That would bug me a whole lot more.

Thats just me though.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Its perfectly normal to feel weird when your ex gets married. Of course you want to be happy for him...but it can take a while for your true emotions to catch up to your ideals.

Clearly, dear, you two were wrong for each other. He had different ideals, and wants...not saying they were wrong...but they certainly weren''t in line with yours. I suspect you''re having a case of the "shoulda woulda coulda''s"...but you can''t let yourself sink too deep into them.

Before you found out he was married, or marrying...what were your feelings for him? If you lingered over him, missed him reguarly, then chances are you still had/have feelings--and now you need to work on moving on with your life. However, if you weren''t too tied into him...the I think you''re just suffering a little bit of shock mixed with the SWC''s. Either way, he''s married now and it''s time to cut off the connection. In order to be fair to yourself and to his new wife...letting go all the way will probably serve you best.

Good luck and big hugs!

 

[ang3199]

Date: 10/8/2008 10:01:30 PM
Author: diamondfan
The pull of that first love is strong, even as we get older and hopefully wiser and see that they are not truly the best person for us for the long term.

Money is lovely to have, nothing to sneeze at, but pure materialism is not great and if that is all that matters to him, being his wife sounds risky. He might want to trade up to a richer, younger and prettier girl from a better family background. Someone with those views is rarely satisfied with one person forever as his wife is almost a possession to him, along with his other goodies and toys.

I am sure there are pangs, I sometimes think about old loves but at 42 with three kids, I am happy to say that I am thrilled with my life and have no regrets.

Well said DF, perfectly worded!