Home How would you handle this sticky family situation?

[D&T]

Date: 7/2/2009 12:52:53 PM
Author: fatafelice
Okay, I am resurrecting this thread because you all had such good advice before and I need a bit more...

Long story, short, DH actually decided that it wasn''t worth any sort of drama later and we needed to set a precedent now, so he told his siblings that we would not be renting to ANY family member. SIL was understanding and we didn''t get a response from BIL at all, so I guess that is telling. That, and the fact that they came down the next weekend to visit our Aunt and didn''t even call us to say they would be in town. They are certainly allowed to be peeved, so whatever, I didn''t really care.

Fast forward to today. I just got a call from BIL''s wife asking for the phone number of a close family friend who lives in our town. In the course of the conversation, she mentioned that she was going to ask this friend if they could stay with her tomorrow night so they could come down to the shore for the holiday (no idea if they are planning to ask about staying more that one night). I happily gave her the number, but it was a very awkward conversation, because I felt like I should offer to let them stay here. I don''t WANT them to stay here, because DH and I have barely had time to spend together lately, I don''t want to deal with their unpleasantness, and I don''t want to lock my dogs in a crate all weekend, but I feel like we should offer because they are family.

I called DH and he said no, if they wanted to stay here, they should stop being passive agressive and just ask. If they DO ask, he said we should say they can stay in the bungalow. I think is this a little too rude, as there is no furniture in there, and they have a one-year-old. I say if they ask, we have to let them stay in the house, even if we don''t want to. DH feels strongly that we need to stick to our guns, but I feel a tremendous amout of guilt. I mean, who flat-out refuses to let family visit them for no good reason? It would only be more awkward to say, ''Um, we don''t want you guys around because BIL is rude and you two fight all the time and make everyone uncomfortable.''

So again, what would you ladies do in this new situation? Do I call an offer to let them stay without them asking? Do we wait and offer them the bunglaow or a room if they ask? Or do we stick to our ''no family'' guns and refuse even if they ask? (If you say the latter, suggestions for graceful responses would be appreciated!)

ETA: Don''t be afraid to tell me if you think we are being jerks - just be polite about it, please!

My DH extended family is this way...annoys the crap out of me, his one side has no problem at how do you say it nicely "mooching" off of others, I''m not say that your BIL is this way. Maybe they are the type that needs to be "asked of" instead of doing the asking themselves since they must have viewed the last conversation about your rental property as off limits period regardless of your home or the rental?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/2/2009 1:11:55 PM
Author: fatafelice
Italia, thank you, that is how DH feels.

I am sure if they had planned ahead, they could have found a hotel, but they likely waited until just now, and everywhere is booked.

Any suggestions on how we can refuse without being incredibly rude?

I think when it comes to family, you''ve got to use the least amount of words that make the biggest impact.

If they flat out ask you to stay...tell them you just can''t make it happen. Tell them that you guys fear it will become an issue of "being fair"...if they stay, then what about the other siblings and so on. Tell them that you have decided to keep this as your home and not a B&B. Tell them whatever weekend doesn''t work--you''re doing home improvements, seeing friends, whatever.

I''m usually all about honesty...but not here. You don''t want to fracture the relationship...but setting your boundries and defending them is well within your rights. This is your home...just keep repeating that.

 

[movie zombie]

if they ask, its a resounding NO. WHY DO YOU FEEL GUILTY IF YOUR HUBBY DOESN''T AS IT IS FAMILY? you moved to a beach house to make a home, not a drop in for the convenience of family.

mz

ps you owe no explanation. a simple "no, that won''t be possible'' is sufficient. if asked why not, a simple "that''s a rude question'', say goodbye and hang the phone up.

 

[Porridge]

Tell them it''s being fumigated. Because of cockroaches. Or fleas. Or something equally disgusting. Then get a permanent renter.

 

[fatafelice]

MZ, thank you for reminding me that I do not owe them an explanation. I kept repeating that to myself all weekend.

They did not end up asking to stay here, as they stayed with the family friend, but every time I saw them, I felt like I had to explain why we had not offered to let them stay here. But then I would think of this thread and all of the great advice in this thread, and I kept my mouth shut.

I did tell DH that I think we should invite them to stay one weekend later in the summer, on our terms, so that they at least do not think they are completely unwelcome in our home.

 

[movie zombie]

glad to have been of help!

if you invite them for one weekend, will you invite everyone else for one weekend?.....just a thought.

mz

 

[fatafelice]

MZ, We are thinking about inviting both BIL''s family and SIL''s family for the same weekend to get it all over with at once. SIL''s family wouldn''t mind staying in the unfurnished bungalow, as they did it before. They bring aerobeds and think of it as camping...with air conditioning!

 

[movie zombie]

your a masochist!!!!!!

i hope you won''t be opening a door that has them expecting you to do this each and every year.

mz

 

[I Love My Sailor]

Well, in my opinion.... its your house and you should put your and your husbands needs first. Either way someone is not going to be happy and it seems you want your privacy. I wouldn''t rent the bungalow to either one of them. Tell them that there is too much family competition and you cant make a fair decision and your not going to choose any one over the other. I think that''s the safe way to go. Both may be upset that they didn''t get it but I think you would be more comfortable renting to a local resident. They are less inclined to feel free to your house and porch and you could get more money, that way you don''t stir up some family storms! This is sort of like my opinion on money and family YOU NEVER LET FAMILY BORROW MONEY so unless you plan to just give it to them outright... it will always end up bad.

Sailor

 

[whitby_2773]

wow - whoa - hang on...

i totally get not wanting to rent the bungalow to either of them. i get that. absolutely. i wouldn't have done that either. given that it's a potentially income earning part of your property, and you bought the property, it's really your right to rent or not rent to them as you so choose. in that scenario you're the landlord and it's your choice - for a myriad of different reasons. however...

it's a very different situation to say you're never having your siblings come to stay, which is effectively where your husband is heading with this. perhaps he's taking the position that you'll see how it goes over the coming years and that he might let them back in if/when things improve. but making blanket rules for all members is effectively locking yourself away in a manner you might come to regret. fractures between siblings are incredibly painful, and this is not a path i'd rush towards if i didn't have to.

so - what is some middle ground here?

if it was me, firstly, i wouldn't let them stay in the bungalow. it's not furnished, for pete's sake, and they have a one year old. i think them bringing in and out furniture would have a level of discomfort for ME as the owner that i know i'd want to avoid. and i think once you open it up, so to speak, you're in a difficult position going forward. i'd make the rule that you only have guests in your home, not in your 'rental property' - which is how i'd define the bungalow and keep defining it for all time. so - if they stay - they stay in your home. period. and then that just leaves you in the same position as the rest of us who have difficult family members (and that's everyone, right?) and for whom entertaining is a pain in the butt (again - all of us). i think 'not having them in the bungalow' has somehow been extrapolated to not having them in your home.

look, i have an aggressive, domineering sister who is older than me and has acted as my third parent since i popped out of the womb. she is on my brother in law's case from sunrise to sunset. i love her, but - man oh man! - this gal is hard work! (i'm sure she thinks i'm equally difficult). i've had her son and his girlfriend, who i'd never met, stay for two months a while ago, her daughter come for extended holidays, my sister and her husband drop through on various occasions, and so on and so on. it's NEVER convenient and she is NOT an easy houseguest.

but she's my sister, y'know? and if she wants the family vacation experience with me, i'm willing to give it to her. frankly, i think cramming your SIL and BIL into your house makes the point that it's temporary and lets them know that this is not necessarily convenient to you. it keeps it as a VISIT, not a vacation. i'd allow weekends, but not weeks, major public holidays, but not unplanned drop-ins, a few times a year, not a few times a month.

in other words, make some clear guidelines and boundaries in your own head that you and your husband agree to before you start. keep it IN your house, and you can make the rules that suit you. keep it OUT of your 'rental property' as a way of making a point as to what kind of visit exactly this is, and then roll with the family punches.

i'd be looking for the middle ground on this - you don't want to turn round in a couple of years and have alienated anyone completely.

 

[zhuzhu]

Tricky situation...

If they (more than 2 people) were my family and expect to stay for an extended time (longer than 2 weeks), I would not let them stay in my own house. It is one thing to have them near by, but completely another to have them as your house guests. For me the pressure of having to entertain them and attend to their every needs will drive me crazy. I am simply too much a perfectionist to let someone live in my house without treating them with 100% (which I have no energy or time to do).

It is entirely up to you, and it is certainly a bonus that you have a separate place for them to stay should you decide to let them come on whichever term it works out to be.. Good luck!