Wedding How would you handle this situation?

[SuLi]

Hi everyone!

I got married last week, and decided to keep my name. However, everyone has been referring to me as "Mrs. K" (husband''s last name), or "my first name K". I really want to correct people, and wonder if there is a polite way of doing this? Also, all the cards and checks that we received were addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. K".

How have some of you handled this situation?

 

[buttercup80]

I''m not getting married until Sunday AND I''m taking FI''s name so I''m not speaking from experience at all, but I think it would be polite to correct the first time the person makes the mistake. Something along the lines of, "Thanks so mush for your well wishes. Actually I''ve decided to keep my own name - Mrs. K is his mom!"

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I probably would let it go but then again that is my personality. I am sure people aren''t trying to be disrespectful they are just assuming you are taking his name. Now if someone KNEW you kept your name and after you reminded them a few times they still called you Mrs K...that would be just rude.

 

[katamari]

Hi SuLi! I am not yet married, but I am not changing my name. I have had many people, especially family, say "Are you excited to be Mrs. T?" I just say that I am excited to be marrying my fiance, but that I actually plan to remain Ms. M. People are just making assumptions based on cultural standards, so I try to hint that it might be unexpected to keep my name.

I do think it is very important to tactfully correct people. Because it is expected that women change their names, you have to tell people so they know; most won''t come to that assumption otherwise. Plus, they will be addressing you as long as you know them, so you want them to know how to refer to you.

 

[Octavia]

I'm expecting to have the same problem once FI and I are married, and I'm going to try to let as many people know in advance as I can. For everyone else, it will probably depend on how relevant the person is to my life -- I'll correct friends, family, co-workers, people in the organization I volunteer with, etc. but probably not some random person I'll never see again.

You should be able to deposit the checks without a problem by signing as Mrs. K and then signing your real name below it. On your thank-you letters, you could sign both your full names, unless it's too awkward. If you don't already have your thank-yous printed, maybe you can come up with a design that incorporates both sets of initials -- some friends of ours did this and it both looked nice and clued people into the fact that she kept her name.

Either way, I don't think it's rude to gently correct people when they refer to you by an incorrect name. If someone called you Karen when your name was really Rachel, it wouldn't be seen as rude to correct them as long as you're not nasty about it...so why should it any different when they're calling you by the wrong last name?

 

[bee*]

Date: 10/10/2008 10:15:53 AM
Author: Tacori E-ring
I probably would let it go but then again that is my personality. I am sure people aren''t trying to be disrespectful they are just assuming you are taking his name. Now if someone KNEW you kept your name and after you reminded them a few times they still called you Mrs K...that would be just rude.

I''d agree with this. I''d let it go at the moment as it''s only been a few days. If they''re still calling you that in a few weeks then maybe correct them. They probably think that you''re really happy hearing them calling you Mrs K!

 

[dragonfly411]

I agree as well and thought I''d mention that eventually I would think others would figure it out

 

[neatfreak]

I''d correct them politely by saying something like buttercup suggested. Most people will not be doing it maliciously, and if you keep that in mind it won''t bother you as much IMO.

Now if people continue to call you Mrs.hislastname after you have politely told them a few times you are keeping your name, I''d be a bit more firm about it. But most people will get it!

 

[CNOS128]

One of my professors introduced our class to her husband. Everyone said to him, "Oh, so you''re Mr. [Professor''s last name]?" He just repeated each time, "No, actually my name is [His first name & last name]," in a perfectly pleasant way. It was fine!

If these are people you already know who''ve decided to call you by his name, I''d just mention that you''ve kept your own name. No reason you should go around being called by the wrong name!

 

[JerseyGrl81]

I think that is fine for you to tell people that you have chosen to keep your own last name the first time they call you Mrs. K. Put yourself in the position of the other person and you just called a newly married bride Mrs. so-and-so and she nicely replies that she kept her maiden name. Would that bother you at all?
Now, what about if you have been calling her Mrs.so-and-so for a while and then she corrects you and tells you she never changed her name to her husbands? I think that would make for a more awkward situation.
And CONGRATULATIONS! on your marriage!

 

[Gwyn]

I am getting married in one week and FI is taking my last name so I am sure we will have similar situations.

Putting myself in those shoes now, for the people that are doing this to my face (meaning while talking to me) I would probably just say casually "Actually Mrs. S". The people sending checks or letters, I wouldnt bother with. To go out of my way to correct them would probably come off as either really uptight or even condescending.

Now you say you want to correct them, is this because it really bothers you? If it does then for these people I would make a special note to work the fact that I didn't change my name into the next conversation I had with them. You can also use your name for the return address on the thank you cards to these people. There might even be a way to work it in the actual letter since people dont always look at addresses. Something like "thanks so much bla bla bla. We are really enjoying being Mrs. S and Mr. K." That should drive the point home.

Are you and FI planning to do announcements? This is a good way to contact people that sent letters and such and make them aware of the fact that your name has not changed with it seeming like your only purpose for contacting them.

Some people will probably just not pick up on it (like the elderly) for that I would just ignore unless it really bothered me then, when it is brought up, I would just continually say "Actually Mrs. S". until they stopped or it stopped bothering me

I think its totally natural to want people to know your correct name, I mean you chose to keep it for a reason right? I know FI and I chose my last name for a reason and I would want people to know I am Mrs. Gwen not Mrs. FI.

 

[LaraOnline]

At the moment, your friends are probably trying to give you 'a moment', helping you celebrate your very recent marriage by calling you your 'new' last name.
If you want to, correct them.
For me personally (and this is only personal) I would *probably* join them in the moment, grin, and let, depending on the person either let it pass by, or let my close friends in on 'my secret'.
Then in a few weeks when all the hoo-ha has blown over, and everyone's finished making a fuss of you, I'd let anyone else who needs to know what's going on re your name.
I think if you are swimming against the tide a bit - particularly when it comes to wedding conventions! - you can expect a have to set a few well-meaning people straight. Comes with the territory...

 

[allycat0303]

We don''t change names here...(used to in Quebec, but not anymore) I would probably let it go if it was acquaintances and such. I don''t know anyone that would call me Mrs. or Mr. though, so makes it easier. Or even address cards to us that way. It would be so strange if my family or friends wrote anything other then *Ally*, so back to the topic, I would let it go, because if someone corrected me, I would feel majorly embarassed...like I didn''t know their name. In work place though, I would just take initative and introduce myself the way I want to be called.

 

[CrownJewel]

I think it depends on your relationship with the person and how often you''ll see the him/her in the future. If it''s a coworker or your husband''s best friend, I think it''s perfectly fine to laugh and say, "We''re both so attached to our last names that we decided not to change them. I''m just Mrs. *SuLi*!" If it''s your mom''s friend''s friend''s daughter that you''ll see maybe twice in your life, I would let it go because it''s her polite way of acknowledging your married status (as if they were just saying "congrats! now you''re a mrs!" without any name following it).

I''ve called my friends'' parents by the wrong name so many times. For example, if I don''t know that they are doctors, so I just call them Mr. or Mrs. XYZ. Or my friend has a hypenated last name, so I called her parents Mr and Mrs. A-B but they are actually Mr. A and Mrs. B. They never stopped to correct me and my friends never stopped to correct me. Months later I would find out somehow, and then it''s all ok!