How would you feel?

[Kaleigh]

He''s missing you for sure, but has crossed the line. YOU are happily married. Maybe he was hoping things weren''t so great on your end.

BUT it''s wrong.... And I feel badly for his wife.


If someone did that to me, I''d hit delete..... But that''s just me.

How are you feeling now??

 

[kenny]

IMHO, when an ex can''t let go (especially after a long time) it is time to end all contact.

 

[kenny]

That guys is creepy.

IMHO, when an ex can''t let go (especially after a long time) it is time to end all contact.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

maybe nostalgic, but also weirded out.

30 years is a long time and that is really strange that he's married and seeking you out now, when you are (presumably) happily married.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

Date: 5/10/2010 3:31:29 PM
Author: CurlySue
I would feel flattered but also uncomfortable.

This about sums it up for me. I would feel like he intruded on my marriage.

 

[movie zombie]

he''s entitled to his feelings. he was out of line for expressing them to you.

so, how does your hubby feel about it? if you haven''t told him about it and had a giggle or two, then remember how you''d feel if a woman contacted him in such a manner.

mz

ps i''d feel flattered and disgusted: its always nice to be though of/wanted, but disgusting that he [a married mna] approached me [a married woman]. i''d tell him to not pop in on me at work and other than running into him when out and about the community or a funeral, to leave me the ++++ alone. he had his opportunity and made the life he wanted. one can assume the same for you. doesn''t mean i might not wonder "what if" but i certainly wouldn''t express those thoughts to him. some things are just best kept to one''s self.

 

[Gypsy]

Like my boundaries had been violated. If you''ve managed to be civil and friendly... this really crosses a line that''s been in place for a long time. It''s not up to you to accomodate his ruminations, and he has no right to disrupt your life with them. I''d also feel REALLY sad for his current wife. And like I dodged a bullet by divorcing him.

I''m not a forgiving soul.

 

[Cehrabehra]

wistful for the road not taken is not a unique phenomenon... take it for what it is but don''t lose sight of the path your own feet are on.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 5/10/2010 9:21:13 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 5/10/2010 7:12:58 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 5/10/2010 6:42:34 PM
Author: Haven
My first reaction would probably be to feel a bit of nostalgia for that previous life. And I don''t mean a yearning to go back to that life, just a bit of whimsy while thinking of it.

Then, after those initial few minutes passed, I''d want him to go away.

That ''lost his soulmate'' and ''never gotten over me'' business would make me uncomfortable, and I prefer to remove discomforts like that from my life ASAP.

Although I can''t really blame him Holly. He really lost out!

Oh, now, aren''t you sweet!

And you haven''t even seen the photos he sent to me; once upon a time, I was good-lookin''! No wonder he''s missing me!

Besides, I have an awesome personality.

Holly
post the pics!

were these B&W photos?

He sent them in sizes that don''t seem to respond to my efforts to adjust. I''ll work on it, just for you.

 

[HollyS]

How do I feel now?

I understand very well his shortcomings as I had to face them head on and make the right decision for myself way back when. (At an age when most women do not listen to that small voice of reason.) If I were free as a bird, and he was too, I probably wouldn''t get re-involved with him. Because I know him. And because he doesn''t have what I need to be happy.

At the same time, I will never stop caring for him. What I felt for him was too deep, and too precious. But it is the person in the past that I still love. Not the person I haven''t talked to in almost fifteen years. And I''m sure, if given the opportunity to act on his feelings, he would find the same is true for him. He''s remembering the way he felt. It won''t translate into present day.

I''ve made my case, told him that I did not want him giving more relevance to a few years of memories with me, than to the memories he has made in a 29 year marriage. He knows that I have a great marriage, and he cares enough about me to not get truly stupid and continue to pester me. He''s just in a bad spot himself, and curently separated from the wife. He was taking stock of all the things he regretted in his life.

Should he have kept it to himself? Well, at this point, probably. But it was nice to hear, finally, an "I''m sorry" from the man who broke my heart with his indifference. To know that he knows, that he realizes he lost someone who truly loved him, is actually kind of a release for me.

Maybe the best thing he could have done was contact me. I didn''t encourage his attention toward myself, but I did remind him that there are plenty of good reasons why his marriage has lasted 29 years. His wife is coming back home in June, so they can work on whatever''s going on with them.


It''s just been so weirdly surreal. Validation after 30 years shouldn''t matter. But it kinda does. Who knew.

 

[crown1]

that if he really cared about me he would not have contacted me. he knew i was happily married and he should have respected that relationship and not open an old can of worms. he is not respectful of his wife or the relationship they had. he is a selfish person looking for the old love and adoration that he has not earned. he seems self centered and disloyal, especially if the wife is returning in june to try and work things out. maybe he just wants a roll in the hay while she is gone. and finally i will send an email saying hi hope you are doing well and ignore anything else. i must promptly tell my husband that blank emailed me and he must have lost his mind if he thought i had the slightest interest in him.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 5/11/2010 11:31:44 AM
Author: HollyS
How do I feel now?

I understand very well his shortcomings as I had to face them head on and make the right decision for myself way back when. (At an age when most women do not listen to that small voice of reason.) If I were free as a bird, and he was too, I probably wouldn''t get re-involved with him. Because I know him. And because he doesn''t have what I need to be happy.

At the same time, I will never stop caring for him. What I felt for him was too deep, and too precious. But it is the person in the past that I still love. Not the person I haven''t talked to in almost fifteen years. And I''m sure, if given the opportunity to act on his feelings, he would find the same is true for him. He''s remembering the way he felt. It won''t translate into present day.

I''ve made my case, told him that I did not want him giving more relevance to a few years of memories with me, than to the memories he has made in a 29 year marriage. He knows that I have a great marriage, and he cares enough about me to not get truly stupid and continue to pester me. He''s just in a bad spot himself, and curently separated from the wife. He was taking stock of all the things he regretted in his life.

Should he have kept it to himself? Well, at this point, probably. But it was nice to hear, finally, an ''I''m sorry'' from the man who broke my heart with his indifference. To know that he knows, that he realizes he lost someone who truly loved him, is actually kind of a release for me.

Maybe the best thing he could have done was contact me. I didn''t encourage his attention toward myself, but I did remind him that there are plenty of good reasons why his marriage has lasted 29 years. His wife is coming back home in June, so they can work on whatever''s going on with them.

It''s just been so weirdly surreal. Validation after 30 years shouldn''t matter. But it kinda does. Who knew.

Holly, sorry I''m checking in so late! I was glad to read your update, which I quoted here. My thoughts are:

This is really all you need to know. You had the good sense to get rid of him at the time, and you have the good sense not to let him back into your life now.

This is very wise. I think you have a great perspective on all of this . . . it''s just a shame he doesn''t.

VERY well said!!!

Oh, boo-freakin''-hoo!!! He had a chance with you back then, and he blew it royally. Just because he''s feeling sorry for himself doesn''t obligate YOU to feel sorry for him too. What a loser!

I think this is what the shrinks mean when they talk about "closure," and it is a very nice thing to have. My XH made similar statements to me when we signed the final divorce documents, and hearing that gave me a strange sense of peace. I''m glad you got to hear this from him . . . at least SOME good came out of him contacting you!

Holly, you''re a very kind person. I think saying this to him was probably the best thing you could have done under the circumstances. For their marriage to have lasted 29 years, they definitely must have been doing SOMETHING right! I hope he takes your words to heart and truly works to save his marriage . . . and I hope his wife never finds out that he contacted you. I don''t think she needs to know, and I don''t think it would do any good for her to know. (Not that I think YOU would tell her, mind you . . . I just hope HE doesn''t tell her out of some misplaced sense of duty.)

 

[HollyS]

Thanks, Irishgirl.

You always seem to understand exactly what I''m saying.

 

[LGK]

Date: 5/10/2010 6:20:36 PM
Author: MonkeyPie
Personally, I wouldn't encourage this by talking to him. I have had three - unfortunately - guys do this to me, and the look on my DH's face when I told him made it clear that even if he acted like he was ok with it, he really wasn't. And neither was I. So I put a big stopper in those kind of friendships pretty quickly.

Yeah, I've had the same experience- my first real boyfriend from my early teenage years actually moved cross-country to try to convince me to get back together with him years later. I was happily living with my not-yet-husband and hadn't had any contact with him in quite a while. I decided that although I felt a bit sorry for him (and, if I'm honest, a teensy bit flattered) I really wasn't going to encourage his weird nostalgia for me at all, and told him that we were never friends really (true) and that I wasn't going to see him or take calls from him again.

My husband told me that of course it was my choice to see him as a friend and if I wanted to do that it was up to me entirely, but I could see the relief when I declined even that much contact. Haven't heard from him since.

That is cool though that you got an apology after all those years... even if you weren't holding your breath for it! It sounds like you worked it out pretty well, all things considered. It is strange what people will do sometimes...

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 5/11/2010 3:14:40 PM
Author: HollyS
Thanks, Irishgirl.

You always seem to understand exactly what I''m saying.

No problem, Holly! And sorry for the rainbow post . . . I was trying to make it make sense! LOL!

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 5/10/2010 2:57:53 PM
Author: Porridge
Realistically, probably a little flattered at the attention. Then, probably annoyed that he''s doing it all on my birthday, when he knows full well that I''m married to someone else. Finally, a little sorry for his wife. Then I''d forget all about it and get on with my life.

I like Porridge''s answer best ! this sums it up for me too

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/11/2010 1:14:37 PM
Author: crown1
that if he really cared about me he would not have contacted me. he knew i was happily married and he should have respected that relationship and not open an old can of worms. he is not respectful of his wife or the relationship they had. he is a selfish person looking for the old love and adoration that he has not earned. he seems self centered and disloyal, especially if the wife is returning in june to try and work things out. maybe he just wants a roll in the hay while she is gone. and finally i will send an email saying hi hope you are doing well and ignore anything else. i must promptly tell my husband that blank emailed me and he must have lost his mind if he thought i had the slightest interest in him.

with Holly in his arms.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 5/11/2010 8:31:52 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 5/11/2010 1:14:37 PM
Author: crown1
that if he really cared about me he would not have contacted me. he knew i was happily married and he should have respected that relationship and not open an old can of worms. he is not respectful of his wife or the relationship they had. he is a selfish person looking for the old love and adoration that he has not earned. he seems self centered and disloyal, especially if the wife is returning in june to try and work things out. maybe he just wants a roll in the hay while she is gone. and finally i will send an email saying hi hope you are doing well and ignore anything else. i must promptly tell my husband that blank emailed me and he must have lost his mind if he thought i had the slightest interest in him.

with Holly in his arms.

DF,
How is that helping???

I wish I had that smacking emoticon!!!!

 

[crown1]

Date: 5/11/2010 8:31:52 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 5/11/2010 1:14:37 PM

Author: crown1

that if he really cared about me he would not have contacted me. he knew i was happily married and he should have respected that relationship and not open an old can of worms. he is not respectful of his wife or the relationship they had. he is a selfish person looking for the old love and adoration that he has not earned. he seems self centered and disloyal, especially if the wife is returning in june to try and work things out. maybe he just wants a roll in the hay while she is gone. and finally i will send an email saying hi hope you are doing well and ignore anything else. i must promptly tell my husband that blank emailed me and he must have lost his mind if he thought i had the slightest interest in him.

with Holly in his arms.

the topic was how would you feel? the answer was in the first person.

 

[marcy]

I''d feel a little weird about it. I would be polite but move on; the past is the past.

 

[HollyS]

Well, I guess I said the right things to him, because I haven''t heard from him in the last two days.

(big sigh of relief)

I was trying to remember, (to remind myself that the past wasn''t as rosy as he seemed to recall), all the crap he pulled that finally broke through my lovey-dovey haze back in the day. I got fairly p----- off last night. I gave some thought to calling him up, reminding him of his turdiness, and giving him an earful about how selfish he was and is, and then thought, no, let sleeping dogs lie. Let the wife deal. Not mi problema.

I''ve come a long way since those days; I would never put up with a moment of that nonsense now.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 5/12/2010 11:31:37 AM
Author: HollyS
Well, I guess I said the right things to him, because I haven''t heard from him in the last two days.

(big sigh of relief)

I was trying to remember, (to remind myself that the past wasn''t as rosy as he seemed to recall), all the crap he pulled that finally broke through my lovey-dovey haze back in the day. I got fairly p----- off last night. I gave some thought to calling him up, reminding him of his turdiness, and giving him an earful about how selfish he was and is, and then thought, no, let sleeping dogs lie. Let the wife deal. Not mi problema.

I''ve come a long way since those days; I would never put up with a moment of that nonsense now.

GOOD!!! I''m glad he hasn''t tried to contact you anymore. And I''m VERY glad you didn''t give in to your impulse to call him and read him the riot act. I don''t blame you at all for being pissed off, Holly . . . I think you have every right to be. But ANY contact from you AT ALL (even of the negative variety) would probably just encourage him.

I think the response he wants from you is some indication that you still love him and would possibly be open to resuming a relationship with him. But, what you''re trying to get across to him is that you no longer have ANY feelings for him whatsoever. The opposite of love is not hate . . . it''s nothing. You don''t hate him now, you don''t love him now, you NOTHING him now! You wish him well in the same way that you would wish anyone well (even a total stranger), but that''s all!