Home How would you feel...

[zhuzhu]

.. If your MIL have your SIL said to your DH "Mom really wants to come visit you in XXX but is nervous about asking, would you mind inviting her"??

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I think I need some background info before I can answer.

 

[zhuzhu]

Not sure if there is much background to share. This is totally out of the blue. She is retiring in August and wants to vacation in SoCal in September. We have our own house and since we are in the slow process of remodeling we have not had any guests (nor plan to invite any).

 

[purrfectpear]

I think unless I actively disliked my MIL, it would be prudent to extend an invite

The fact that she already senses nervousness about asking to visit is an indication that she hasn''t been made to feel completely welcome. Only you can decide if that''s how you''d like her to feel, or if you want to improve upon it.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I would just invite her. I think it''s sweet that she''s nervous (for whatever reason). It shows she cares.

 

[zhuzhu]

I am not particularly close to ILs but I definitely don't dislike them either. It is just that our home is not in the "guest ready mode" and to make it ready by then, we have to put in extra time over the weekend (we are doing majority of the remodel ourselves) and that is very stressful for me.

I guess I feel more like SIL is really good at guilt-triping DH into doing things, in a very sweet manner of course, but I totally see how she is doing it.

 

[TravelingGal]

I would feel fortunate that my MIL is using my SIL into guilting us into an invite rather than storming in, taking over, and staying indefinitely. (This happened to my friend.)

 

[icekid]

Date: 5/19/2009 10:09:58 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I would feel fortunate that my MIL is using my SIL into guilting us into an invite rather than storming in, taking over, and staying indefinitely. (This happened to my friend.)

Good point!

Unless you really cannot stand her, I invite her for a (limited) visit.

 

[brooklyngirl]

While I particularly don''t like the indirectness of it all, would you be willing to invite her at a time more comfortable for you? It''s understandable that you don''t want to have house guests when you''re in the midst of a renovation, so perhaps invite her at a later date, when you believe you''ll be done with the renovations.

As far as using your SIL to guilt your DH into doing things, perhaps your DH should have a chat with his mother about directness. It''s one thing if MIL doesn''t want you to know she wants an invite, but since you do know, how is this any different from her directly telling DH that she''d like to visit? IMHO there is nothing wrong with suggesting to your own child that you''d like to come visit, and try and figure out when the best time to do that would be.

 

[KimberlyH]

I would be sad that my MIL didn''t feel comfortable enough to ask if she could come visit. I would call and ask her to come. She''s not there to see the house in designer condition, she wants to visit you and her son.

 

[Bia]

I understand it''s not like this for everyone, but in my case, in-laws are family (not guests in the traditional sense), and therefore they stay with us. BUT, I was raised that way. During long distance visits (or vacations) family stays together--even if that means people are sleeping on the floor. Again, I realize it''s not like that for a lot of families. This is me. With that being said...

I would extend an invite because she wants to stay with you, in what I assume is an effort to spend time with you and her son.

 

[zhuzhu]

I guess the reason for my uneasiness is that I really don't know them, and they have made comments about our life that I thought were inappropriate before. I am a deeply private person, so the thought of having to share my private space with someone whom I perceived to be judgmental is no fun.

I hear you about family being different from guests. I also understand that it is only appropriate for her and her new husband to stay in our house when they are in town. However family is not an instant formula based on marriage. I think family relationship is built, not a "given".

 

[purrfectpear]

I wouldn''t assume that the MIL put the SIL "up to" the indirect prodding. It may be that she shared with her daughter that she''d like to visit but isn''t sure she''s welcome, and the SIL took it upon herself to broach it with her brother.

Also, you can''t "guilt trip" someone unless they too buy into the idea that there''s something to feel guilty about. Ergo, if your hubs feels guilty...then maybe you already know that the right thing to do is to invite his mother, else why the "guilt"?

You should do what you want. There''s no reason to ask "how would you feel" if you''ve already rationalized all the reasons why you don''t want company

 

[tigian]

I think I would be slightly annoyed that my MIL didn''t understand the pressure of remodeling a house and didn''t have the patience to wait until an invitation was extended. Even though I don''t know the details of your relationship, I would feel this way because my grandmother (Dad''s mom) would always indirectly hint to what she wanted and this drove my mother crazy. I apologize if some people think I''m being too harsh.

 

[qtiekiki]

Date: 5/19/2009 10:09:58 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I would feel fortunate that my MIL is using my SIL into guilting us into an invite rather than storming in, taking over, and staying indefinitely. (This happened to my friend.)

Ditto.

I don''t consider my MIL a guest, so it wouldn''t bother me that the house is not ready. Unless your MIL is nasty about things like that, I don''t think she would mind either. I agree with you that your relationship with the family needs to be built, but how will you ever build a relationship if you don''t interact with the family? I am assuming that your MIL is not close by for lunch and other outings on a regular basis.

 

[swimmer]

Z asked us how we would feel, not what we would do...but here goes.

I personally would rather host a liar, a thief, or an open mouthed chewer than someone who is passive aggressive. "oh no, you go to the bathroom first, I''ll just wait here...(and pity myself, if you loved me I could have gone first.)" ARRRRRGGGGHHHH! At least with the aforementioned creatures you know where they are coming from. Perhaps it is your SIL that is creating the weird dynamic, but if your MIL and new StepFIL are unsure of staying with you, not comfortable enough to ask...then how about a hotel. This will give you time for the renovation and to gain some familiarity with each other in these new roles.

 

[Lilac]

I think on one hand it''s better than her inviting herself... but on the other hand, I could see how it would be stressful for you to have her while you''re remodeling.

Maybe the next time you speak to her you could say something like, "Things are so busy here with the remodeling, but as soon as we''re finished with it we would love to have you over!" At least then she has something to look forward to, but doesn''t ask until you''ve finished remodeling and things are less stressful for you.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I would extend the invite...but mention that your house isn''t exactly "guest ready" and ask them if they would be comfortable staying in a hotel. They will either understand--or they won''t. But, you''ve done the *right* thing either way by at least giving them the option to visit--even if it means bunking at a hotel.

 

[Viola]

Date: 5/19/2009 11:25:49 PM
Author: Bia
I understand it''s not like this for everyone, but in my case, in-laws are family (not guests in the traditional sense), and therefore they stay with us. BUT, I was raised that way. During long distance visits (or vacations) family stays together--even if that means people are sleeping on the floor. Again, I realize it''s not like that for a lot of families. This is me. With that being said...


I would extend an invite because she wants to stay with you, in what I assume is an effort to spend time with you and her son.

Ditto!

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 5/19/2009 11:25:49 PM
Author: Bia
I understand it''s not like this for everyone, but in my case, in-laws are family (not guests in the traditional sense), and therefore they stay with us. BUT, I was raised that way. During long distance visits (or vacations) family stays together--even if that means people are sleeping on the floor. Again, I realize it''s not like that for a lot of families. This is me. With that being said...

I would extend an invite because she wants to stay with you, in what I assume is an effort to spend time with you and her son.

I think Purrfect said everything I would have said but I also want to ditto the above as its the same with me. Even when my future in-laws (mil, fil, grandmother, and aunt) went to Orlando with us to visit the themeparks, they didn''t stay in a hotel. They slept in my mother''s house which resulted in me sleeping with my mom, Mr. Fiery sleeping out in a little guest room we have in the garage, and my brothers on the floor in the living room. It''s just how we are.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I''ve said this before but I''ll say it again. You don''t just marry a man but you marry his whole family. Assuming Mr Z is close to his mama there is only right move here. You invite her. He will resent you if you don''t. Private or not she is part of your life. I don''t know how I would feel b/c that situation is foreign to me. Either way explain your reno situation. If she doesn''t mind the dust then that''s her choice. Maybe this will be the perfect time to "build" a closer relationship.

 

[swimmer]

Hey Z,
How is it going with this?

From your posts it doesn''t sound like you and your DH are that close with your MIL and her new husband, so it seems like some of these posts are based on the posters'' own relationships rather than the situation you described. As you said, "family" isn''t a right and it is always a process. Good luck with this.