Wedding How would you feel about this?

[Neveah]

Okay, quick back story. I was recently married (3 months ago) A couple weeks ago one of my best friends who was also a bridesmaid in my wedding got engaged. I am beyond thrilled for her! She asked me to be in her wedding and I of course agreed. I am so excited for them!!!

She has been going back and forth between many dates... from winter 2010 to a couple months from now. She called me up to announce that they have set a date! About 9 months from now. Perfect.
Then she says "So, I don't know what your plans are or anything.... but it would be awesome if you could NOT be pregnant for all the festivities" Went on about not having fun at the bachelorette party, wedding etc because I wouldn't be able to drink.
And before you ask... she was not joking.

Ummmmm..............

I was so shocked that I just kind of giggled and made some joke. Because honestly my husband and I (if things go well and hopefully) were planning to be expecting by then. We are in our 30's and don't have the luxury of time. Besides, we are ready! I certainly wouldn't want to get pregnant this month and miss her wedding completely (I would be devestated) but I guess I don't feel that being pregnant would take anything away from her day.
I had an 8 months pregnant bridesmaid in my wedding and she looked awesome! I didn't care at all!! I loved that she was a part of it and I can't wait to tell her son that he was "in" our wedding when he gets older!

But then again, that was my feeling.

I didn't want to tell her we were planning on trying because why rock that boat if it didn't happen for us AND right now is about her being engaged and all the excitement that comes with planning a wedding. I also would go to every part of the wedding waddling or not! I love her and can have fun anywhere, anyway!

But I need to ask and I'm ready for honesty. So please tell me. Am I the one being unreasonable? Selfish? We are great friends, and she's the one who I really "tore it up with" in my single days. We've been through a lot together... I don't know. I feel hurt. Should I?

If I do get pregnant, how do I tell her? Since she said something, do I owe it to her to tell her I'm planning on it so she can make the decision if she still wants me to stand up? I'm confused. What would you do?

Sorry this turned into such a novel!!!

 

[UCLABelle]

You are not being unreasonable at all. I would be fairly upset if someone said that to me, and I was hoping for a baby. To be honest, getting pregnant when you want and are ready, versus a wedding of a close friend, still seem like miles apart!!!! And if she REALLY is your friend, she would want you there, tummy and all!!!! I would let her know, that you and your husband have already determined you were ready to start trying, and you hope she would still want you in her wedding, if you get pregnant. Tell her it isn''t about ruining her day, or anything, but that time is right to start trying?!

 

[neatfreak]

SHE is being completely ridiculous. I think it''s time that you say "Honey, I love you, and would love nothing more than to be involved in your wedding. But if all goes well, I very well might be expecting then and I just can''t put off trying to start a family for another year. So if that is the way you feel, maybe it would be better for me to be involved some other way".

You are NOT being unreasonable. I can''t even believe people say these things sometimes...

 

[LaraOnline]

She''ll have forgotten about her ''no pregnancy'' idea when the time comes.
If she brings it up, tell her she''s an idiot.
But hopefully, she''ll have gotten over her initial ''uber-bride'' enthusiasm by then, and be happy to take you just as you are.

I wouldn''t DREAM of postponing a pregnancy I was hankering for, for ANYONE. And by the time she''s getting married, perhaps she''ll be thinking that babies might be on the cards, too. The baby bug can getcha... fast!

 

[miraclesrule]

Neveah,

I would tell her exactly like you told us. That you are hurt by her assumption that you wouldn't be any fun preggo, or that if you were it would ruin her experience. Ask her if she is still willing to have you as a BM if you are pregnant? If not, then I personally, would have to politely decline the "honor". I use honor very loosely here, because it doesn't seem like an honor if it's conditional.

Aside from being married, conceiving your first child is a time of such excitment and joy and risks...like miscarraige, and you don't need to be worrying about how she will feel. You will want to be excited for this new chapter in your life that you have been waiting for and planning.

I am sure that as soon as you tell her the same thing you told us, along with the cute story of your friends baby in your wedding, she will "snap out of it"!!

I hope she does.

 

[Blair138]

Personally-I do not think that it is EVER appropriate for someone to ask you to NOT be pregnant. I think that that is one of the most personal decisions that has NOTHING to do with ANYONE else but your partner and you. I can understand that she wants you to have ''fun'' but honestly, I am sure that you can have fun without alcohol. My friend just got married and her best friend was a BM AND pregnant and she rocked out the bachelorette party. She did get a little tired by the end, but the bride was having so much fun with everyone else she didn''t mind. I wouldn''t say anything to your friend yet. If you don''t get pregnant then there will be no harm no foul. It''s not her decision or business. If you do get pregnant, be honest and list all the reasons that you just told us. You can still have fun and party with the best of them, you just can''t drink, OH WELL. DO NOT let it stress you out, stress can lead to complications with getting pregnant. Do what''s right for you.

 

[decodelighted]

I find her request pretty outrageous and I''d probably be very upset & hurt by it. But then I''d start thinking that she''s just extremely self-absorbed & clueless right now & cut her a *bit* of slack.

However, I think its a good idea to be honest with her that you *might* actually be preggers by her wedding date & offer to bow out of being an attendant if she''s uncomfortable with the *possibility* or chance of having a pregnant attendant. You probably don''t even want to discuss your family planning stuff right now with anyone outside of your DH, but in this case, since she overstepped & shared a desire for you NOT to conceive, its like she''s backed you into a corner ...

Feel for ya!

 

[Kaleigh]

No you''re not being unreasonable, she is.

 

[Linda W]

Oh good grief the nerve of some people. When my ex husband and I were married my cousin was 8 months pregnant and she was one of my bridesmaids. It didn''t bother me at all. In fact, she looked adorable in her dress.


Linda

 

[ponderer]

Please tell her what Neatfreak said so eloquently

. I would give further advise, but I am so angry for you right now I would have to use too many expletives to politlely express how I feel

.

Are you sure this person is your friend? Or have have aliens abducted her? Or at least her common sense?

 

[Neveah]

Oh ladies thank you for your honesty.... I am happy that I at least feel justified to feel hurt. I think you are all right and I should *gently* tell her that it''s in the cards for us. So she can be prepared and make a decision.
I should let you know that she''s not interested in having children... so from that angle I truly don''t think she understands since it''s not something she ever sees for herself. So I definitely cut her slack in that way....

Thank you for all the advice!!!

 

[Neveah]

Date: 8/24/2008 10:48:00 PM
Author: ponderer
Please tell her what Neatfreak said so eloquently

. I would give further advise, but I am so angry for you right now I would have to use too many expletives to politlely express how I feel

.

Are you sure this person is your friend? Or have have aliens abducted her? Or at least her common sense?

So funny!!!

I do love her dearly, but admit she''s a bit of a "me monster"

 

[SarahLovesJS]

She's crazy. It's YOUR body and YOUR life. If you get pregnant tell her to get over it or you're out of the wedding, period.

ETA: I want to change the if..to when. And say best of baby luck!

 

[StarbuttsKoffee]

She should be happy and be excited for you when you get pregnant if she''s your best friend...

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 8/24/2008 10:49:45 PM
Author: Neveah

I should let you know that she's not interested in having children... so from that angle I truly don't think she understands since it's not something she ever sees for herself. So I definitely cut her slack in that way....

Oh, well maybe not expect too much sympathy from her then if she's 'just not the baby type'

I wouldn't bother to tell her anything about it.
Erk...some brides really seem to get hung up on stuff like this, though, don't they? Is she concerned that you'll 'ruin her pictures'? lol

Why not let her calm down some first. For instance, after she's finally set her date. The bun might be in the oven by then! Fait accompli!

 

[Neveah]

Date: 8/24/2008 10:52:27 PM
Author: SarahLovesJS
She''s crazy. It''s YOUR body and YOUR life. If you get pregnant tell her to get over it or you''re out of the wedding, period.

ETA: I want to change the if..to when. And say best of baby luck!

Thank you so much!!! We can''t wait! I have always wanted to be a Mom. That''s why I quit my corporate job that I was miserable at to be a nanny. Right now I''m just borrowing babies

 

[Neveah]

Date: 8/24/2008 10:53:48 PM
Author: LaraOnline

Date: 8/24/2008 10:49:45 PM
Author: Neveah

I should let you know that she''s not interested in having children... so from that angle I truly don''t think she understands since it''s not something she ever sees for herself. So I definitely cut her slack in that way....

Oh, well maybe not expect too much sympathy from her then if she''s ''just not the baby type''

I wouldn''t bother to tell her anything about it.
Erk...some brides really seem to get hung up on stuff like this, though, don''t they? Is she concerned that you''ll ''ruin her pictures''? lol

Why not let her calm down some first. For instance, after she''s finally set her date. The bun might be in the oven by then! Fait accompli!

Good advice... and by the way... YOU have beautiful babies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[ponderer]

Sorry to be so emotional. Its a touchy subject with me. I strongly feel that reproduction is nobody''s business except you and your SO.

On the flip side I hope she realizes how rude/insane her request/comments are when people start constantly asking her when she is going to have children (b/c some rude person will ask her on the day of her wedding; especially if she is older).

I dont even ask people in passing if they are even thinking about kids. You never know when someone has decided not to, or even can''t have kids.

 

[bettina]

There was a huge catty debate about this on www.truebrideconfessions.com might be interesting to check out. It''s my other guilty pleasure after this.

 

[diamondfan]

Hey, she is not in charge of your reproductive timeline. And you owe her no explanations. You might then tell her you cannot accept as you might be trying to conceive and you would not want to ruin her wedding. (Kidding). I mean, really! You are allowed to start ttc when you and your hubby wish to. If you worry about being able to get pregnant and even if not, you can start the process any time. She has to stop being so egotistical and realize your pregnancy time line does not revolve around her!!

 

[museikchik]

I am a little late here. I was just reading your thread and everyone''s responses and I totally agree. I would NEVER ask anyone not to get pregnant because of my wedding. I would be soo happy for them. I think that you shouldn''t let it stress you out. It is your body and if you and your husband want to have a baby then do it. You shouldn''t postpone that for anyone. If your friend can''t understand that, then I guess she isn''t a good friend and doesn''t deserve to have you for a friend. That is just my personal opinion (I will get off my soap box now). I wish the best of luck to you and your hubby.

 

[TravelingGal]

hokay.....

tell ms. looney tunes that if you are preggo at the time of her festivities, it would be a good thing because you can be the designated driver. Sheesh.

I can't imagine asking someone to put their life on hold for ME. What a self absorbed person to not understand that people are in different stages in life.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 8/24/2008 10:59:31 PM
Author: Neveah

by the way... YOU have beautiful babies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aw jeez thanks Neveah! they are even MORE beautiful IRL. For some reason, I teared up reading this. I''m TTC my third, and then - regrettably - I''ll probably be all done.
cheers, mate! all the best with yours!
*hugs*
L.

 

[Gwyn]

I think laughing it off was the way to go. You gotta live your life just like she has got to live hers right?

If you do get pregnant before the wedding and its THAT important to her, just tell her to feel free to move the date back til after the baby is born. then you wont be pregnant anymore. Ridiculous right? So isnt her "request".

I don't think you should be hurt by it though. She was just being honest with you. She probably just feels so close and comfortable with you that she feels she can share her secret wishes (regardless of how irrational or out of line they may be)with you without you taking offense.

She isnt alone in this line of thought either. From what I hear, many brides prefer to not have to deal with this issue. And part of the reasoning, to me, even makes sense. Though in my own mind I could never justify anyone asking someone not to become pregnant... How many of us on here went through all the trouble of finding a dress that everyone didnt hate only to have to make last minute changes because of a pregnant person ( I can think of 3 in the last few months). Or (in the case of a wedding I just attended) the brides sister (and maid of honor) could not fly out and come to her wedding due to a complication with the pregnacy (she is 4 months in). So...truthfully..someone in your wedding getting pregnant isnt ideal. BUT, if you want someone in your wedding enough, you make the changes if you can and plan for if you can't.

If it were me, I probably would just be upfront and say "well we are trying to have a baby. Its not a for sure thing but it could happen. If it is more important to you that you have non-pregnant people in your even than maybe I shouldnt be in the wedding. I would be just as honored to share your wedding day with the rest of the crowd." Or something like that.

If you dont want to tell her because its possible nothing may come of it, then don't. If you get pregnant and have to tell her later on and she gets mad, which IMO is just silly of her, then tell her "OMG you were being serious about that? I didnt honestly think you were asking me to put mine and my husbands life on hold just so you could have what you perceived at the time to be a more fun wedding pre party".

Good Luck. And good luck with the baby making too

PS. she is crazy about that bachelorette party nonsense. you can still be just as fun PLUS she has a DD for the evening. whoo hoo.

 

[VRBeauty]

Hopefully it's just a bridezilla moment that you and your friend will be able to laugh about later, but having read about other PS moms-to-be who encountered similar reactions, I wouldn't count on it. I like Neatfreak's approach. Hopefully she'll realize what a doofus she's been -- and be embarassed as heck!

BTW, best wishes to you and Mr. Neveah!

 

[honey22]

Wow, what a friend?! WTF!!! This is totally unreasonble, and I would honestly just say to her that a child is a gift, and if you are lucky enough to be given such a gift in the lead up to her wedding, then you will be thrilled and expect there to be no problems. If she has a problem with that, I would respectfully decline being her bm now, before that baby bump starts showing. Seriously, what are some women thinking!??! Expecting you to postpone a pregnancy to have a few drinks at her wedding.

My best friend and BM is preggers with her first baby and I couldn't be more thrilled. I have even offered to postpone my destination wedding until she feels she will be ok to leave her baby (which will be 5 months). She has told me that she will need a holiday by then and to go ahead planning, she will be there, with or without little munchkin. Some people really need to think about others before opening their mouths I swear!

ETA - Good luck with the whole baby making thing. I really hope you look adorably stunningly hugely preggers in your bm dress

 

[merlinthecat]

I cannot believe she said that!!!!

It''s a decision that only you and your husband can make.

Can''t pregnant ladies attend weddings anymore!

 

[MaggieB]

Honestly, I read stories like this and I think that they are made up. Would anybody SERIOUSLY ever be so idiotic to care if someone was pregnant in their wedding? I know that I wouldn''t think twice before choosing to dump that friend.

 

[allycat0303]

When I read stuff like this, I am shocked. I can`t imagine someone being THAT self absorbed. And it always seems to be directed at bridesmaids! Maybe because I care really little about the whole bridesmaid what they wear/do/plan (I hope NOT) for me. Some brides need to be a considerate to their bridesmaids. I mean seriously...who treats one of your closest friends like that????? Getting married is not an excuse for bad behavior.

 

[bee*]

Of course you''re not being selfish! She''s being totally ridiculous!